OT- can tonight get any worse!!!

Louise

Am i being unreasonable to be more than a little cross that my other half who has arranged to take me away the weekend of my 30th birthday now wants to change it to the following weekend so we can go to his mates engagement party?

15 years ago

General

20 replies

Latest reply was from anne

Queen Mum

Veteran

I'd be upset, but how far away is this weekend? If it's this coming weekend I'd say h*** no, but if it's a month away I'd be inclined to let myself get over it and let him go to the party.

15 years ago

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I think it's kind of sweet for him to want to be there for his friend's special event. He's just putting the trip off a week, not canceling it.

15 years ago

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

No, I'd be cross, too. You already made plans, the plans were for a specific weekend (actual birthday) and it's a "milestone" birthday (30th). Those are three fairly strong points in the "proper etiquette" column.

If you can be flexible about it, more power to you...but I'd offer out that expressing to the friend that you already have plans but that the two of you would like to fete them at an earlier or later date would not be out of order.

Good luck!

15 years ago

Debbie

Veteran

From someone who has been married 30 years this month. I would be mad in fact furious but he will probably never understand that. In his eyes he didn't cancel and he's not asking you to totally give it up so he did nothing wrong.

If the situation was reversed he would be mad I'm sure.

Big hugs to you!

15 years ago

Kristine

Veteran

Yes, I would be somewhat upset. His mate is trumping his other half when you already had plans.

I would have him make it up to you by arranging something for the weekend he'll be gone, a day at the spa or a birthday gift that you shop for while he's gone. In other words let him know that it does hurt your feelings a bit, but then let it go and use it to your advantage. You can't tell him to go and be upset though, that's not fair either.

15 years ago

shana

Veteran

Louise, that sounds really disappointing! I'd probably be pretty mad too. I'm always in a bad mood around my birthday so I'd probably make him go out of his way to make it up to me!!!!

15 years ago

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

I have to admit I'd probably be quite annoyed too, even though rationally I know he's just trying to balance his social and love lives and trying to please everyone. That said, I'm really liking the way Christine is thinking.
Hugs Louise!

15 years ago

Iris

Active Member

I'm not a frequent poster here, but I am so appalled at that! Maybe it's because I'm exceedingly young (upcoming college freshman) but that is very not-okay.

In fact, it'd be considered really sweet for him to refuse to go to his friend's engagement party, because he already has a commitment to you, and he will never break that (in an ideal world). However, since it is the complete opposite that had happened (did he even consult you on this beforehand?), you have the right to be upset!

15 years ago

Beth

Veteran

I think it sounds like he's just trying to make everybody happy (you know how that ends...nobody's happy). Did he know about this engagement party early? Or did he just find out about it?

Depending on how close he is to this friend, I'd suck it up and go with him.

Oh, and while it's disappointing, the day could definitely get worse. I just spent the day cleaning the house as our septic system backed up into the basement. :O

15 years ago

Maya

Veteran

I'm sorry but I still contend that boys are dumb. I can never seem to find any that I like enough to put up with this kind of rubbish...

15 years ago

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Louise, I don't blame you for feeling this way. If it were me, I would be disappointed and I would also be mad too.

In fact, if my hubby tried this on me, there would be an ensuing "robust" conversation indeed!

Katiepea
PS - I hope you feel better today and everything has turned out ok. x

15 years ago

Tansie

Active Member

I agree with bethw. If it is a really close mate, then I think it would be nice to go to the engagement party. He can make it up to you the next weekend when you do go away! If it is just some random friend/work colleague then I would be pretty upset too. Put it this way, is it so important to you that it worth (possibly) having a fight about? If it is, then make sure the boy in question understands exactly what you are upset about and why.
When is your birthday? xx

15 years ago

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Is it a close friend of SO who is having the engagement party? What if it was your friends engagement party? Would you change your plans?

I can understand the annoyance but believe your SO was acting with the best of intentions. He probably did not think it through.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you have a fabulous weekend away.

15 years ago

Ele

(website)

Active Member

I'm loving the variety of responses here... it's funny how some of us would be so angry and some of us are more pragmatic about this. I'm not sure exactly where I fall. I guess it depends on a) how close these friends having the engagement party are to BOTH of you, and b) how important birthdays are to you two, in general.

If you're both friends with the newly-engaged couple, I think it would be nice to go to the party, no? Even if you're not, I understand why your bf would want to be there if it's a very close friend of his. Like Michelle points out he's probably just trying to please everyone, which is a good thing.

About birthdays, you might just have different views on them. I grew up in a family where birthdays are pretty much for kids only, and once you've crossed the line into adulthood you're lucky to get a phone call and a small gift. (Don't feel too bad for me- my family treats Christmas like it only comes around every 10 years!) I just don't get the idea of anyone "owning" a particular day just because they happened to be born on it, so I wouldn't be bothered by this at all. Not trying to convince you, but asking how your partner feels about birthdays as important events? He might just not realise that this weekend is so important to you.

When it comes down to it, you had prior plans together so I think you're totally entitled to put your foot down and insist on your weekend away if you want to.

15 years ago

anne

Veteran

I have been thinking you this all day.

On one hand, I agree with those who say you have every right to be cross and insist on your agreed on plans! (And what a pity this came on top of your other worries with your pet)

On the other, relationships often thrive on not always insisting on your "rights", in which case I would second those who are asking you to consider how close the friendship is, how you would like it to happen if it had been your friend etc.

Also how important if it to you are to celebrate that particular day. For me, like Ele, it wouldn't be a big deal to go on a different weekend (as long as it happened), but that's because my family often gives presents and has celebrations later.

I guess it depends a bit on your boyfriend has asked too! Has his request been done humbly, in a way that shows realizes how important this is to you, but could you change, or not?

Hopefully this situation will let you discuss things that help you learn more about each other and care for each other in a more informed way in the future.

And... happy 30th!!!

15 years ago

Louise

Veteran

Aw thanks all you are truly a fantastic bunch of ladies (((hugs))) to you all.
The people who's engagement party it is i have met a grand total of 5 times! S O used to work with him and they sporadically go out for a drink. I still keep expecting a phone call to say 'surprise April Fool' I think i probably was a bit het up last night what with furbaby problems and the fact my best mate said i'd just go with the flow and my mother laughed hysterically!!! Have decided i'm not spending my birthday evening with a bunch of people i hardly know so if he's not taking me away i'm going out with my family for a meal and he can go whistle!!! And to make it up to me i shall be pointing him in the direction of a rather stunning £89 watch i've seen on amazon!!! Thanks again all xxx

15 years ago

Anonymous

Very interesting answers from all of you.

I, being married only 7 years, so not speaking as a pro here, but I do like Anne's response that, 'relationships often thrive on not always insisting on your "rights".
Sometimes it is better to let it go without hurting his feelings, then I'm sure there will be times when he will grace you with the same.

However your 30th birthday is a big event so I'm going to say hell ya to Kristine's idea of having him make it up to you, which it sounds like you have planned!!!!!

15 years ago

Anonymous

I'll be married 40 years this summer! You probably need to let him know how you feel in a non-confrontational way or resentment may just build up between you. You don't want to start a fight but to let him know that you are hurt. The idea of going out to celebrate with your family sounds like a good solution for you.

15 years ago

Inge

(website)

Moderator

I would not have been amused myself, especially since you've been planning this for a while, and it is your 30th birthday. But relationships are always give and take, like many of the lasses have pointed out. I agree with Joy that it's important to let your SO know how you feel about this.
And love your take on this;-) Go out for dinner with family or friends, have a fantastic time and definitely drop not so subtle hints about that coveted watch;-)

I hope you have a wonderful time on your birthday Louise!!

15 years ago

anne

Veteran

Sounds like you have worked out a good solution. Enjoy your dinner with family, watch AND the weekend away!

15 years ago

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