OT: Awkward work situation - YouLookFab Forum

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OT: Awkward work situation

Maya

Veteran

I work with another intern on Thursdays and Fridays. Until yesterday, he has been very quiet and sort of shy, mostly keeping to himself. Then for some reason yesterday he grew a lot more chatty. Not a problem, but it's *what* he was chatting about that was really uncomfortable. Um, he basically told me in no shortage of detail about his drinking habits, and how he is probably in the early stages of alcoholism, and a lot of other personal stuff. Why he is dumping all of this on an innocent stranger, I do not know. He said it with a total lack of emotion and self-awareness too, which honestly, was kind of creepy. My supervisor was at a meeting at the time which is why he didn't hear any of this. But...how the heck do you respond to something like this? No matter how much I tried to gently steer the conversation to another subject or to an end, he'd bring it back to his erm, issues again.

Someone suggested this might be his awkward way of reaching out to me, but why ME? We're not friends. I don't even know his last name.

It makes it a tad hard for me to concentrate on my work...

General

22 replies

Latest reply was from yublocka

RoseandJoan

Veteran

You could maybe say that you have no experience of these issues so feel unqualified to offer advice, then move the conversation onto something else.

Other than that I don't know.

Maya

Veteran

That's the other thing, he doesn't appear to be asking for advice. He's just telling me for the heck of it.

Phoebe

Veteran

the fact that he has been very shy shows that for some reason he now sees more in you. I also think this is his own, veeery strange way of telling you something else, apart from his "issues".
I´m very sorry for you, this is weird!!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Is he talking at you rather than expecting a conversation?

I suppose you could give quite blunt answers

' I drank x many drinks at the weekend' met with 'I don't drink'

Srujana

Veteran

Lol Maya! Honestly, if this is his strange way of telling you 'something else' as Phoebe suggested, I'd seriously question why he thought airing his issues could make him more appealing to you... O_o

I'm sorry you're in such a random, awkward position...the only thing I can think of is that perhaps his issues are getting too much to keep inside and he wants to share with someone that doesn't know him and therefore can't/won't judge or criticize...I am on the listening end of a lot of random personal anecdotes from both friends and relative strangers/coworkers pretty frequently...I dunno if I just have a face that says 'come tell your issues' or what...but it happens often enough that I roll with it and offer advice as needed, or nod and empathize. Or continue working and reply with monosyllables. But this seems to be something that you would rather just stop, so if he keeps it up today, and you really can't stand it, I'd say something about how you really need to focus on work right now...or put on headphones

Vani

Veteran

Ugh, sometimes guys have no clue. I *just* (stupidly) butted into a conversation I overheard where a 24 yr old QA guy was asking our 40yr old database admin, why it was unethical to receive kickbacks. Our work area is what is known as a a "developers' pit". We all have our little work areas but no walls separating us. So I just do exactly what Srujana said, put on my head phones and right now I much prefer Beck to anything any of these guys around me have to say.

Ele

(website)

Ouch, Maya. Awk. ward.

Srujana makes a good point- he might just be opening up to you because it feels safe- you only see each other twice a week and don't know each other well, after all. Sometimes it's easier to talk about your problems with a stranger or someone you're not emotionally involved with. But honestly, that is why I have a THERAPIST. Dumping this stuff on innocent work colleagues is just rude and no good can come of it.

I agree with the others- try to answer in a short, detached way and hopefully he'll get the hint. If his stories get really shocking you could gently tell him that you think he needs to talk to a professional/his doctor about this stuff, but I understand why you wouldn't want to get involved like that.

Anonymous

That's very strange. He sounds like a lost soul. If he is infact doing all of this drinking, his head is probably not on straight. I'd keep a distance if you can. If he follows you around, tell him you are there to talk about work issues only. I don't know the situation about having it documented. Seems like at least a journal entry would be a good idea. Or tell all your friends so that people are aware that you are working with a strange bird.
Don't let him follow you to the subway. Oh oh, I'm getting motherly on you. Sorry, but be careful about him following you.

Maya

Veteran

The whole convo started with him asking me when the sun sets, and then telling me how it's a "ritual" for him to go to Long Island City when the sun sets and drink.

Alone.

...because he's a loner.

San, I'm not worried from a safety standpoint. He just seems depressed.

marianna

Veteran

That is weird. Generally I think it's downright stupid when people tell me about their drinking habits -- because I don't care AND it's not professional to talk about in a work setting. I have no advice, but this situation would really bug me too. Does it seem like he's asking for a drinking partner (you to go with him?)

Maybe tell him that there are meetings (AA) where he can vent his problems?

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

People sort of blow my mind, like this guy and Vani's ethically-challenged coworker (questioning kickbacks? Seriously???)?

Maya, it's not creative, but I have to echo the ladies; find some non-offensive way to communicate your distaste for this subject matter and put the kybosh on any such conversations if they arise again. If he's not cluing in, then break out the Maya bluntness (TM). More people need it than you may think, and it would certainly get the job done. I always keep meaning to say this, btw, but never get around to it...your bluntness is so refreshing and awesome, imo. Sometimes I feel like you've lifted passages of inner dialog direct from my brain.

hanna

(website)

drinking alone? talk about alarm bells.

i guess i'd pretty much just ignore it and put it down to weird conversational gambits...unless it happens again, in which case maybe he's trying to hint at problems he doesn't want to divulge to those who are closer to him and may judge him. sometimes it's easier to tell things to strangers than to your closest friends.

...or i could just be reading too much into this.

taylor

Veteran

You would be surprised what people say when they think they have a captive audience...and I think you were pretty much stuck there. Believe me as a stylist I have heard it all...and then some.")

I think he just needed someone to listen, saw an opening and dumped on you. Next time just let him know you don't drink and don't need that much info about him, thanks for sharing anyway:)

shana

Veteran

Maya, I agree that his behavior sounds totally unprofessional and dealing with his problems are not your responsibility at all BUT, let me play devil's advocate for a second and say that maybe this is a cry for help from someone who is actually in real trouble. We live in a world where no one ever wants to interfere or get involved. I was once in a situation where my "interference" could have saved someone's life but I felt awkward butting in and didn't feel like it was my place. So I said nothing and this person lost her life suddenly & tragically.

Anyway, I'm not saying it's the same situation but maybe next time, you can say something along the lines about how you don't drink so you really can't help him directly but you know that there are many resources out there for people who are having problems with drinking and maybe that's the best way for him to deal with his issues.

Sihaya

Veteran

Maya - ouch. sorry you find yourself in this situation. How tough and awkward. On the plus side, maybe you come across as someone trustworthy, friendly, and safe even to strangers. Since you guys have to work together for a while, I would get on top of this as soon as possible - in other words, don't sit with it if it happens again. If he doesn't take the indirect/more subtle hint, I would move the conversation to the next stage: I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in the midst of having to deal with some challenges in your life. I feel ill equipped to be a listening ear and need to focus on and prioritize my work. I hope you are taking the necessary steps to get help for yourself. If that doesn't stop it, you might want to bring this up with HR or your manager. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Lee Hovey

MY company has a program called Employee Assistance (EAP) which provides a variety of services. It's a mom and pop group (basically a handful of certified counselors) and they answer the phone to listen to any and all problems and concerns you have, work related and other. They then help you find help for your problem, whether it be financial advice, medical help, mental help even.

If you have any sort of similar thing I would just respond with "You know maybe you should call EAP. I am sure they could find someone the support yuu or just listen." ANd give him the number. I might even call EAP myself for advice on how to handle it.

Point is I would suggest an alternate resource to him, to sort of hand-off the responsibility of listening to him.

Maya

Veteran

Umm, well I'm not working for a "company" with an HR department and all that fancy stuff. This is just one guy's studio--it's me, him, and maybe 3-4 interns (who are all there on different days).

Shana, honestly, if this was a cry for help, I wouldn't know what to do about it anyway. He mentioned his sister is a social worker and she was the one who showed concern about him being in the early stages if alcoholism. He's not a bad kid, just really awkward. I may confide in the other intern that's there on Thursdays--the one I went "shopping" with. I feel like someone else there has to be alerted to this, but I don't want to go to my supervisor about it. I just want it to be documented somehow.

Sihaya

Veteran

Maya - you should do what feels right to you and what's comfortable for you. Confiding in another intern sounds tricky, especially in such a small workplace. Basically, whatever you say or write - you should be OK if it went back to him second hand or third hand. Also, even though he did something inappropriate and in poor judgment, he may not want others other than you to know about this confidential information about him. He's of course taking that risk by telling you. And I'm raising it because he may feel betrayed about it.

Maya

Veteran

I doubt he would discuss it, Sihaya. I just don't want to be in a situation later where everyone is wondering "why didn't she say something?"

The thing is, I don't think he even realizes there is anything wrong with his behavior, and he spoke of his sister's words in a very blow-offy kind of way. So I don't really see it as "reaching out" the way some others do. I don't think he was seeking my input, so I don't feel comfortable responding to it as though it is a problem or giving what seems to be unsolicited advice.

I guess I'll see how it goes over the next few weeks. Today he didn't bring it up so maybe it was just a one off thing. If it continues, then I feel like I have to say something to someone, so there is at least some record of it happening. If he gets upset or betrayed, too bad. I've got to cover my behind!

Michelle, I'm glad you find my bluntness refreshing and not...um...itchy with a b (I shan't taint the classy atmosphere of YLF). I often wonder about that, but I hate being wishy washy and hate it when people are wishy washy with me. I'd rather make sure my point is being made and not leave any room for misunderstanding...

Isabel

Veteran

Wow, this is uncomfortable. If he is really alcoholic and depressed and in denial, then he is looking for someone to back him. He probably wants you to say, " your sister is crazy to think that." Then he feels better about it and can blow it off. So he may not be looking for "help" so much as "validation".

It is also not unusual that "loners" become very attached to people that they are physically with everyday - even if there is no real "relationship".

At this point I would say, " I don't know what's going on. I really don't know you well but I want the best for you. Your sister knows and loves you and does this for a living. Don't shut her down, give her chance to work it out with you. The best that can happen is that she helps, the worst is that you have a better relationship with her." This is completely neutral and leaves no room for follow-up.

Then drop it, but keep your antennae up. People get desperate and do desperate things. Llisten to your gut, if you feel uncomfortable, it is for reason. IF HE STARTS TO ACT ERRATIC, TALK TO YOUR BOSS. But really, I think he wants validation and that is why he was so non-chalant about it.

shana

Veteran

Maya, I am not suggesting that you do anything but perhaps tell him that his problems sound serious and that he should seek some help from someone who is qualified (i.e. not you!). If the kid is depressed, his perspective on how serious his problems are might not be that clear. If he has any other motives or is just using you as a sounding board, he'll probably feel embarrassed and not talk to you on this subject again.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Hey Maya, how did you end up managing this situation? (I realise I'm chiming in late) Sometimes people just want a friendly ear to talk to and vent their feelings, and sometimes an objective voice they don't know is all the better. Has it happened again?