OT: A possibly devastating end to my crush! - YouLookFab Forum

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OT: A possibly devastating end to my crush!

Maya

Veteran

I was SO EXCITED today when I finally got to have a chat with my workplace crush and I thought he seemed every bit as charming as I thought he was. It totally brightened up my otherwise gloomy, rainy day.

Then I get home and look him up on Facebook and what do I find? He is in several "tea party" groups and some kind of "vegetarians/animal rights people suck" group on his page!

The only small comfort is that there is a tiny chance it might not be him. The profile picture is not a personal picture, so I can't tell. But The odds of someone with the same name (although it is rather boring and common), who graduated in the same year, from the same school, and moved to New York...I just don't know....

Please pray that I am wrong and it isn't him! I haven't had a crush in years and was just starting to enjoy it. I don't want it to end this way...

Since I know someone will ask: I am utterly inflexible when it comes to politics. It is an absolute dealbreaker. We don't have to agree on every issue, but I sure as heck ain't entertaining the notion of dating someone so diametrically opposed to everything that is important to me.

General

22 replies

Latest reply was from Angie

Lisa

Veteran

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Christie

Hey, you never know ... Mary Matalin and James Carville! There's more common to life and love than politics.

Maya

Veteran

I know some people will say that Cricket but I'm not James Carville or Maria Shriver, although I do enjoy his feisty accent.

Anonymous

There might be people on this forum who have similar politics to that of your crush. It's one thing to say you're disappointed by his potential politics. It's another to go on about how "morally disgusting" you find their principles and how "those people" sicken you. You sound like my 85-year-old grandmother going on about how fat someone is ... when they're sitting right next to her.

This forum is about fashion. You're entitled to your disappointment regarding your crush, but please don't be an alienating force on a website on which we are all guests.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Don't put the cart before the horse Maya- you don't know anything for sure yet.

Maya

Veteran

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Maya, take a deep breath! I wouldn't totally write him off just yet.....

*EVEN* if he did sign up to those groups, I don't think it necessarily is really a true indicator of him and his true values as a person. People "click" on things and don't think about it or take it seriously it all. In fact, I would even be prepared to defend him and say that even if he did sign up to those groups, it is probably more on the basis of never having put serious thought into these issues, rather than being seriously opposed to them. This is not necessarily because he is ignorant, but because the environment he grew up in did not expose him to these issues, and as an adult his mind is pre-occupied with other areas of interest. (Mind you, I have absolutely NO idea what you are refering to, when you talk about tea-parties! What is this? So please read my comment based more on the vegetarian/animal rights issues.)

I can say unequivocally that if I had seen a facebook profile of my husband and his interests, or he of mine, I can tell you - we would NEVER have got together. I mean it!

My husband was vegetarian when I first met him and to be honest, I just could NOT for the life of me "get" why on earth he would make such a choice. He loved sport. I loved classical music. He's tall. I'm short. He's a mathematician. I'm a musican (and pretty crappy at maths). We didn't even have the same political views at the time (I'd say because frankly at the age of 23 I couldn't be bothered at that point informing myself properly about what different parties stood for). I could go on and on about our differences!

What we DID discover, is that once together, we share the same values toward relationships, family, love and commitment and for some unknown reason, we just "clicked". (We also discovered that we both HATE sci-fi and LOVE herbal tea! Oh and we both thought each other was lovely appearance-wise of course!)

As we got to know each other better, I discovered I really valued his personal integrity in terms of vegetarianism (I'd been a ravid meat eater before we met), he learnt to enjoy classical music, I learnt to watch football sometimes on TV without falling asleep and so on. Not all things have meshed though, I'm still bad at maths and he still hasn't a musical finger in his body.

My point is that we are very different and I actually think this is WONDERFUL! Meeting him and being his partner absolutely changed my viewpoint and lifestyle towards not only the consumption of animal products completely, but opened my eyes to a whole different world. I like to think I did the same for him. One reason I think we worked out is because he never, EVER forced his views on me, nor I on him - we just were interested in why each other felt certain ways about certain things.

As such, I think that the time to really "judge" the guy is when you spend time with him and talk to him, not through facebook.

Christie

Aren't we all more complex than some political labels?

I cloth-diaper my babies for their health, finances and the environment. We ranch cattle on grass, not corn, because it makes for happy, healthy animals. We eat organic, whole foods, most purchased locally. I care about where items are made, so that I don't support companies with exploited workers, (which is one good reason to thrift, though my primary reason is my budget.) I homeschool my kids, but I don't wear a denim jumper though I know lovely people who do.

And ... (what some in the crunchy lifestyle would call "extravagance") ... I love fashion and would spend way more than I do if I could afford to! My frugal instincts would go out the window if I had more funds available for clothes. Instead, I read this lovely blog for ideas and thrift 90% of my wardrobe.

There is often a lot of commonality between people, in values and even in social issues, who first think they are polar opposites.

Maya

Veteran

I understand Katie. I don't want a clone of me. I once had a boyfriend from NZ who was a major sports nut and rugby fanatic. Couldn't possibly be more different. That kind of stuff is fine. I don't mind different interests at all. I have never had anyone who was 100% on board with my sense of politics, but we would always ultimately agree on the same basic principles even if we disagreed on how to get there. That's fine with me. I don't only date vegetarians and vegans either, but I don't appreciate hostility towards my choice.

This particular issue is deeply disturbing to me. I can't go into the whole thing without being incredibly biased, but I'll tell you about it on a personal level: I live in a very conservative area (ironically of a very liberal state) and have had to change my route to get to/from the train station because of the rallies that are held there by these Tea Party-goers, a group claiming to be a grassroots movement that wants complete government overhaul (meaning they want little to no government intervention). Not coincidentally the movement began with the election of Barack Obama, although most of them don't appear to be fans of the previous administration either but they certainly weren't so vocal at that time.

While I don't agree with their stance on government, that isn't actually what I object to or what bothers me about this movement. What I object to is that what they promote in practice doesn't match what they promote in theory. The messages on their signs are downright violent, racist, and scary, and it is presently causing a lot of tension in my home town that has a large Hispanic population. I can't imagine this tension is going anywhere positive.

It also causes tension for me when I walk by the park with my innocent Stephen Colbert tote bag and have insults that would make Joan Rivers blush hurled at me! Stephen Colbert is a comedian! I can't imagine what they might do to me if I walked by with a sickle and hammer tshirt...

Anyway, as a result I have stopped walking that way to and from work and I have stopped wearing my tote. That is how far this has gone, at least over here and from what I hear on the news, elsewhere as well.

It has stirred up a lot of discomfort and division in my home town, so it is deeply personal for me. It is personal for me when my dad attends a town hall meeting to discuss a budget proposition that could eliminate his job as a teacher, and these people win and my dad loses.

So, it's not like it's a simple disagreement, or something that is fine as long as we don't talk about it. It's really upsetting to me.

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

Ah, Maya, I can understand NOW with greater clarity why this has upset you so much.

I had definately worked out that "tea parties" must be something to do with people seeking political reform (I was thinking on the lines of Boston tea-party). Being in Aus, I have never heard anything about this type of (what seems to be) volatile political division in certain regions in the US.

I can appreciate that when an issue such as this affects you SO personally that it has affected how you live your life and has also impacted on the way your family lives theirs, that it would be distressing. Very!

Now, just for a moment, I am going to focus not on his views (so please keep this in mind!), rather, the fact that he didn't live up to your expectations. (To me, there is an important distinction here.) When someone doesn't live up to our expectations, that in itself is generally more a disappointment rather than being really upsetting. From my perspective, when I look at it from an "expectation being dashed" point of view, it seems logical to think - "why on earth would she be so upset?!" That is a lot of the premise in my first response and possibly other people as well. (Bear with me....)

Now, I am going to put his values back into the equation. I can see now that it's not just about him having a different or a silly or immature viewpoint that you can overlook or give him a slap on the forehead over after you get to know him better. (You know a "Duh! Id*!t! What were you thinking?!")

I can see now that what must make it so very distressing for you is that these two issues have somehow suddenly and unexpectedly COLLIDED together in what must feel like an almighty emotional explosion!

(I do so hope that I have now "got" it and you are not currently banging your head against a wall in frustration!)

I also do want to say that I am also very glad that you elaborated further regarding your open-mindedness regarding dating carnivores and those who do not hold all the same views as you.

May each second, minute, hour be better than the last one. Take care x

Louise

Veteran

I think sometimes people sign up to facebook groups because they have been sent the link from a friend, his beliefs might not be that extreme x

Itari

(website)

I would be devastated too. It's not really about being a carnivore, but mostly about being offensive to people who are vegans/vegetarians and fight for animal rights. I wouldn't date anyone who is in a group like "vegetarians suck", "Polish people suck" etc. It's not about having different beliefs, but about being offensive.

Maya, I do hope that your crush doesn't have such extreme beliefs and I wish you luck. Big hugs!

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

I have to agree with Anne, discussing politics on a fashion board, particularly as vehemently and as insultingly as is being done here, is extremely alienating and off-putting. There is a time and a place to discuss everything, but I don't think that this is the right one for that.

Dashrashi

Veteran

I don't know--I think for those who only want to read about fashion and style, the "OT" tag in the title should be enough to warn them off.

Ele

(website)

I don't know- I didn't find Maya's posts particularly vehement or offensive. But then, I'm about as far from a Tea Party activist as you can get, so I wouldn't. One of the things I love about YLF is that we CAN talk about stuff other than fashion, so to say "oh, we can't mention politics" or something just seems silly to me.

Coming back to the point, Maya- I feel for you. It is really crappy to discover something about a person or situation that blows apart what you previously thought. I think Katie hit it on the head when she said that this is really about your disappointment though, and not your crushes (possible) beliefs. He didn't turn out to be who you thought, and that's what stings.That's the problem with crushes, especially those that develop around someone you're not close to. You can build someone up in your mind, and then end up irrationally disappointed that they turn out to be completely different!

I do this all the time, and have for my whole life. Not necessarily with guys (at least not anymore), but with anything else you can think of- holidays, school, work stuff, etc. I imagine everything in my mind, "plan" things perfectly, then when something goes wrong (or even just differently) I get all thrown off.

Tricia

Veteran

I get it, Maya. I don't think you're being particularly insulting. I think some political differences are a big deal and others aren't, and this would fall into the category of "big deal" to me - not so much because of the beliefs themselves, but because politics isn't one of my passions, and I'm pretty middle-of-the-road, and anyone who was passionately at one extreme or the other would not have much in common with me.

I'd consider myself a bit to the left of moderate, and my husband a bit to the right of moderate. There are things we disagree on, but none of them are dealbreakers to either of us.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Even if that is him- people put all kinds of things on their Facebook pages. My BIL has the craziest crap- just because he thinks it's funny.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

There is a huge difference between "off-topic" and "inappropriate", and I firmly believe there are certain topics that are inflammatory and inappropriate to bring up on social communities such as this one: sex, religion and politics. They are the fastest way to divide a group, especially one like this that is supposed to be inviting and inclusive of all women from all over the world.

Isabel

Veteran

Maya, I agree with cricket !!!! My best friend of 28 years used to HATE immigrants ( I am one ), but then she met one - me. She is also as politically opposite to me as anyone can get. She is also the most generous human being that anyone could ever meet. Most of my "liberal" friends are "liberal" until someone needs something. My best friend will be the first to whip out her checkbook or take a day off of work to help. ( My neighbor is a Tea Party member - and though I completely disagree with his politics - I adore the guy ! We poke fun at each other all the time . When I my artery burst this Fall and all the emergency personnel were at the house, the guy practically had a heart attack. He was so worried. When I came home and was feeling better, he told me he was hoping there would be one less liberal in the world ! We both laughed our butts off, I said " I survived to counter your vote ! " ) Believe me, it is different once you get to know someone and their humanity is brought into it.

Spewing ideology is easy, especially in place where you get no pushback ( like Facebook), but how you live your life is what counts. Don't count this guy out.

And very respectfully, I also am concerned with your words - it sounds as bad as him saying that all vegetarians suck. Madeline Albright once said that ideology is one thing, pragmatism and living in the real world with real people is another. Ideology and how we express that does not necessarily reflect our morals. Please don't make that mistake, Maya. I have always found it very interesting that we tend to get along with people until their political bent comes into play....or their sexuality...they haven't changed - we have. If they were fine before, why not after ? I look at it this way, unless someone is an extremist ( in any ideology or nationality ), then there is a chance. Like my friend, sometimes we don't know differently simply because we have never been exposed to it - sometimes it is simply experiential and not moral....my friend had never met someone from another country until she met me.

Once you get to know him, he may have good reasons for his way of thinking. My best friend and I once had such a big fight over politics that I thought we were going to "break up " over it. Instead, we discovered that we both want the same things in life, just in very different ways. I can work with that and so can she. In fact, we have a running joke. She is my healthcare proxy - one of the conditions for pulling the plug on me is that she HAS to vote Dem on my behalf before the doctor can follow her orders : ) and the funeral procession needs to done with hybrids ! She promises to do it but claims they will have to bury her right after me ! If we want people to understand and listen to us, then we must do the same for them.

Give him a chance.

PS _ I Love this kinda stuff. It's how we all work stuff out ! Yes, Kristen, it is a darn fast way to divide a group. But maybe I am an optimist, I believe it is also a great way to bring people together in knowing and recognizing each other as humans on the same journey. I like being exposed to differences, I learn from that. But it needs to be done respectfully and with dignity for the other person/people.

Isabel

Veteran

bumping for maya !

Maya

Veteran

I dont want to be the one to destroy the peace so I have edited my posts. It's just hard for me to explain why this is such a roadblock without injecting some personal background that some people may not like hearing.

I'm sure all of you have limits as to what you compromise on. Some people don't marry outside their religion--my political identity is my religion. Yes, it is very much a part of who I am and guides many of my major decisions in life. So I'm sorry if this makes anyone think less of me but I guess I'd rather just be honest. I am used to being the renegade and constantly defending what I think and do from both major parties, who are, frankly, more alike than not. I just don't want that in a relationship.

Maybe not everyone who belongs to this movement is insane, Isabel. It sounds like your neighbor is not. Anne is not either. So maybe I'm wrong and not all associates are as nasty as the ones in my district. And maybe this guy isn't either. I imagine it would be very hard in New York City. But based on his comments he is. Though I've yet to confirm if it's him.

I do appreciate the opemindedness shown here and I'm sorry if my "true colors" come as a shock or disappointment to some of you. Perhaps you know how I feel then...

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I know that no-one intended for this to become divisive, but it has. And although the occasional off topic post is ok, when a thread is off topic and divisive it runs the risk of damaging the wonderful tone that we have here at YLF and being off-putting to new members who don't know us well. So I am closing the topic.

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