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OT - What would you say if someone asked you this...

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

I have a bit of a dilemma and I'm not sure what my options are for responding without hurting anyone's feelings during a sensitive time. Here's what happened:

My aunt's mom (no blood relation - my aunt is my mother's brother's wife) has been in care facilities with dementia for years and passed away last week. I knew about it, but was not planning to attend the funeral, as I was not close to the woman who died and in recent years have not been that close to my aunt and uncle and their family (I have a large extended family). When her dad died a few years back I also did not attend that funeral.

The funeral is a 2 hour drive away next weekend. On Friday, my aunt messaged me on facebook to ask if I would play the piano at her funeral. I got the message this morning and didn't read the date right and thought it was today, so I responded that I was sick and couldn't do it....now I realize it's not till next weekend. The problem is, in either case I really don't want to do it.
Also, I am extremely out of practice! She claims it will all be simple hymns and things, but really, I am very, very out of practice. Like, I haven't practiced regularly in 10 years. My aunt is likely aware of this.

I think it's a little weird that she asked me, given that we are not that close, that I didn't know her mom that well, and especially that she asked me via facebook (she says she doesn't have my emails address but I am certain I have emailed her or been on emails that included her many times) and really just want to get out of it without offending her. She's pretty sensitive. I think she's a little batty with emotion at the moment and probably feeling nostalgic for a time when our family was more tight-knit. What can I do? What would you do?

General

27 replies

Latest reply was from lynne

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I would be up front and honest. "I haven't played in 10 years. I don't feel comfortable doing this."

Julie

Veteran

Perhaps say you are out of practice and could do neither the hymn justice, nor your aunt the respect she deserves.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

I'm feeling kind of obligated to show up...I'm not going to, but I'm afraid I'll offend her if I not only refuse to play but actually don't even show up...

Also, since she already knows I am out of practice and is already insisting that the hymns are very simple means that she will likely ride rough-shod over my protests...I have a week, after all...(-: And truthfully I could do it. If I practiced every day. But I don't even want to attend, let along dedicate all my free time for the week!

Sylvie

Veteran

I think you write a kind and polite note apologizing for being unable to play and unable to make it to the funeral. You have unbreakable commitments for that weekend and if it were at all possible to be there, you would be. Then you send her some flowers and a condolence card.

If you were to go to the funeral, it's not because you were close to your aunt's mom, but because you want to support your aunt. Your aunt has lost a loved one and therefore she wants all of her loved ones around her. As you've pointed out, you're not really that close to this aunt anymore, but if she has seen you grow up, she probably still feels somewhat close to you/nostalgic about you.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go. So long as my parents were going, it would be understood that my "branch" of the family had been represented. If my husband were in your shoes, he would go, because he always puts family first, no matter how distant the connection.

Anyway, I think you can't control whether she gets upset or not by your non-attendance. All you can do is be as kind and considerate as you can and then deal with the fallout if she does get offended. I don't believe you should have to attend just because she might be offended and you'd have to deal with fallout.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I'm with Anna. I'd say that I don't play anymore and am not comfortable attending since the families were not close. With only a week's notice, I'd probably take my time replying to any attempts at override, if I replied at all... that's just me. At the end of the day, you can either stick by what you think is appropriate, or you can choose to let her pressure you into something you don't want. Like Sylvie said, you can only control yourself. I wouldn't be mean about it, but I wouldn't engage in a debate over it.

ManidipaM

Veteran

I have a soft spot for batty old people, so I'd probably have grumbled behind the scenes, practised my scales and gone along. I must own my 'must rescue damsel in distress' quixoticity. I'd have felt uncomfortable and a little pressured (not enough leisure to lose lightly!), but I would have gone. So nothing much to say, I guess.

I've always figured that was sort of the difference between family obligations and friendships --- and I decide how far I'll put myself out based on what my losses are if I go along. (A major lost contract, say, would be an issue; but a bereavement would trump most things in my book, especially if close enough to drive to.)

As for being out of practice, may I venture to point out that people attending her funeral should most likely be less concerned over how well you play and more concerned about the loss of their loved one and supporting the bereaved? I know that's not how it always is, hotbeds of gossip etc, but it is how it *should* be and that's what I'd keep in mind.

MNsara

Veteran

I think I'm there with Sylvie - but would let your aunt know ASAP (via Facebook? so she can make other plans.

I do know that the importance of 'family' (even extrenely extended family) seems to grow with age, so I'm not so surprised that your aunt might be trying to rekindle some family connections.

But you need to decide how the potential fallout from aunt or your own feelings would be vs. the time and energy and your own feelings if you agree to this commitment.

Good luck!

MsMary

Veteran

I would say "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not able to attend. I'm so sorry for your loss and I will be thinking of you." Period. You don't need to explain, you don't need to convince her you're right, you don't need to do anything other than convey the information that you won't be there.

But then I'm not the most sensitive or family-oriented person in the world, so take what I"d do with a grain of salt.

Scarlet

Veteran

Well you already said you can't do it, even if it she may find it strange that you are assuming you will be sick for a week. I would just leave it at that and send a nice card of condolence.

christieanne

Veteran

I think MaryK's response via fb or email (whichever she will most likely to read) sounds appropriate and will cause the least amount of family tension to keep churning.
If you aren't close to these folks, you don't have an obligation to go. I would message her soon so there is plenty of time for them to contact another musician.

Deborah

Veteran

Jenava, this is a bit of an uncomfortable situation to be in. As others have said I would respond by the same means she contacted you (facebook) and just advise her that you are unable to be at the funeral and it was nice of her to think of you to in relation to playing at the service. Let her know your thoughts will be with her on the day and perhaps send flowers or a card. Given you are not close I don't think you need to give an explanation. You are simply unavailable to attend. Trust it all works out and your Aunt is understanding.

Anonymous

Be honest and say you are a bit out of practise with the piano.

missvee

Veteran

I agree with Deborah and Mary K. Send a kind note and don't get into a lot of explanation. Like the old adage - least said, soonest mended.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

MaryK said it for me. No need for further explanation than that -- don't let her guilt you.

Isabel

Veteran

These types of things are more for the living than the dead. And for some reason your aunt feels she needs you. When people get older and family starts dying they feel the need to reconnect to your generations, even if they haven't been close.

I say that you decline playing, but try to go to the funeral service.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Start with a heartfelt condolence letter to her along with flowers. Then end with, you cannot attend but will be thinking of her. No need to explain per Mary K.

I feel the first move to make has to be one of coddling, sympathy etc to acknowledge her loss and suffering. I just wrote a bunch of condolence templates for my Mom because so many people are dying! (She's 78.) There is lots of good advice on the internet.

Kristin L

Veteran

Maybe this is silly, but do you know of anyone else in your family that can play piano? Maybe you can suggest them. I would send her a message with your condolences, but also send a card or letter again later.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Thanks guys, a few mixed responses which is expected since its such a sensitive situation. Kristin, our who family is musical, including her own three children. I'm guessing she thought I would be the perfect choice because I wasn't too close but am still family. Now that I think about it that way it does make me feel a bit used. (-: if I go this would be the fourth funeral I've attended this year. Guess I'm just getting weary of attending funerals. )-: plus, not wanting to spend the little free time I have on it. Because of the drive time and time of day it would be an all-day affair. I'd also have to take our car and leave hubby home because he'll be studying. What to do!

Kristine

Veteran

I agree, don't go if you're not comfortable. Be honest but vague and sympathetic. I think Mary hit it on the head.

Keep in mind if she just lost her mother you're probably the last thing on her mind and she's probably not thinking completely straight either. Someone probably said "you know, Jenava plays piano!". So don't stress about it but let her know immediately so she has time to make arrangements.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

I think also she is being nostalgic, but she's not really interested in me, but more in what I represent in her memory. I feel very resistant to playing that role.

Isis

Veteran

I'm giving your aunt the benefit of the doubt, and don't think she is using you, Jeneva......grieving people do funny things sometimes. She probably feels closer to you right now then you do to her....

But that doesn't mean you have to go to the funeral! I like the advice of sending a card, flowers, and a warm note with your regrets, but that you will be thinking of her that day.

(If you have any memories about her mom, include those in your note......)

Anonymous

Tell her that you can't do it this time and send a bouquet. She's probably the type that notices who sends flowers.

Mamapicklejuice

Veteran

I'm sorry you feel used, Jeneva. Your aunt's three children just lost their grandmother and are (conceivably?) closer to the situation and emotional. You are a bit more distant from the situation and would be able to "power through" an emotional situation and play the pieces without breaking down with grief...you are still family!

I'm sure you will do what's best.

Jjsloane

Veteran

I think Kristine said it best for me. I remember when my dad died I called an old school friend who was always a lovely singer and asked if she'd sing a song. She politely declined (hadn't sang in awhile etc..) but showed up and I felt guilty having forced her into it. Your aunt is probably just trying to solve problems she thinks she has solutions to. Decline now so she has time to find someone to do the playing.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Thanks, JJ. Good point.

MPJ, the difference is that I doubt my aunt would re-arrange her life if some equivalent but reversed situation were to occur. It's one of those things where I think because I am in the younger generation she thinks I am obliged. Maybe I am.

Fruitful

Veteran

I'm with Manidipa on this. Quite often I've felt annoyed and aggrieved at family members (close or distant) for laying obligation on me that I don't think is relevant to me - especially regarding formal events like this, but if I've gone along and participated I'm usually really glad I did and am relieved my actions weren't dictated by my resistance.

Who knows, there might be a time one day that I find myself calling on others in a similar fashion.

lynne

Veteran

I'm with MPJ. Jenava, she is grieving and deserves the benefit of the doubt. I don't think she's plotting to inconvenience you. Perhaps she thought you'd be pleased to be included. It's difficult to figure out motives at a time like this, and frankly, this isn't the time to worry about manipulation. Suck it up, put on your big girl panties and attend the funeral. It does make a difference to those who are left behind.