No wonder I am exhausted (long self-analysis) - YouLookFab Forum

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No wonder I am exhausted (long self-analysis)

viva

Veteran

In the spirit of "be educated, not embarrassed," I'm looking closely at my fall purchases to understand what went right and what went wrong. I think I have been focusing a lot on "the hunt" and not enough on what is in my closet. Before I turn to the closet -- my next task, I thought I would revisit where I've been.

I started the fall with these goals: a new winter coat (for my birthday gift), update/add to sweaters, replace my tan booties. Here is what actually happened.

The returns:

Zara: Both the shift dress and the black booties went back. The dress
did not fit well and the booties, ultimately, were too risky because too
pointy. I'm focusing more now on getting a pair of boots with a wider toe box.

JCrew Retail:
I've ordered, tried on, and returned 4 coats this fall and 3 pairs of
jeans.

Karen Millen: The tunic sweater went back. Too expensive not to be absolutely sure.

Banana Republic: The striped dress went back, and I have given up thoughts of the solid.

Emerson Fry: A coat went back; the silk tee went back.

Gap: Black cotton moto and striped tee, bought on impulse with my sister this weekend, are going back today because on reflection, I don't really need them.

What worked / stayed from this fall (mid-Sept - now)

Planned:
The coat: JCrew cocoon
Four sweaters: JCrew navy BF turtleneck and buff fuzzy, Anthropologie citron, cropped quilted sweatshirt
New tan booties: Franco Sarto
Unplanned:
JCrew elephant print mini, fringe tee, and plaid sleeveless tunic top (clearance); two nice and different layering tees (3Dots); Everybody "haberdashery" booties; thrifted Paige flared jeans -- everything here except for the booties and one 3Dot tee was on sale.

Still considering / in contention.

3x1 skinnies
Plaid LL Bean slacks
Gasolina boots

Also, really regretting the "haberdashery" bootie purchase from Seattle because I have worn them only once since September. I don't know if I should hold onto them for another season or consign them.

So what does all of this tell me?

1. Emotional buying and returning is exhausting and depressing. This continues to be a problem and is the most exhausting / demoralizing part. I don't know why it makes me feel so bad because it doesn't actually cost me any money, but it does make me feel bad.

2. I need to remember when I set a style goal. Early this fall I mentioned wanting to incorporate more luxe fabrications -- and then I forgot this. But most of the items that I kept do in fact incorporate such fabrications! I might have saved myself a lot of returning headaches if I had just focused more on these things to begin with.

3. I need to focus more on wearing than on acquiring. While I am still considering / making final decisions on the last 3 items, for the rest of the year I am going to try to stay in WIW mode. I really need to play with what I have.

Any thoughts? I'd love to hear and learn from all of you. xxxx

Dressing

27 replies

Latest reply was from Meow

Meredith

Veteran

Love, love, love this thoughtful post and much of it hits home for me. i need to sit down and do a similar analysis about what purchases really worked for me this fall. To your points:1) I had limited emotionally driven purchases, but I definitely fell into the buy/return trap while looking for the right items. 2) this is still such a challenge for me. I feel pulled in to directions and often make choices that don't play nicely. Maybe I need to start a shadow style capsule. 3) Amen. I'm thinking about putting together a post where I show how I wear an item 5 different ways. I think this could push me to be more mindful of what's in my closet.

Thanks again for the insightful post. Must go eye the knit moto jacket at the gap (hangs head in shame).

kerry

Veteran

Well, I don't participate actively enough on the forum (ie. I don't post K/Rs or WIWs) and I think I'd get a lot more out of being here if I did.

I feel your frustration with the buy/return cycle. I'm in it too right now. I'm headed to the mall today to return some things to J.Crew and BR. I also have a whole box to return to BR. Yes, it's exhausting even though it doesn't cost anything because it takes time and takes up a lot of mental energy.

I'm trying to round out a special occasion capsule but also make sure I'm buying for my lifestyle, which is extremely casual. At the same time, I'm trying to reach out of my comfort zone but this also means more misses than hits.

I'm also buying for a body I don't identify with which has its challenges!

I'd like to take a cue from you and work my closet with its new additions rather than continue the buy/return cycle. My problem, though, is impatience. Once I realize that a certain silhouette is working or a certain trend I want to replace everything mediocre right NOW!

TBH, it surprises me that you are frustrated. From what I see on the forum, your style seems so well-honed and your wardrobe so perfectly curated. Does everyone go through this frustration no matter where they are on their style journey?

Can't wait to see your WIWs!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Vivian, I'm wondering if some of the exhaustion is also related to how much you have been on the road and how hard you've been working? This buy/ return thing is a lot easier if you don't have dozens of other things going on in your life at the same time.

I don't actually feel any guilt about trying stuff and returning it. I pretty much have to, where I live. It's all online, except when I can get to the city and manage to squeeze some shopping time. And that is rare and usually so short that it can also result in returns, because I have time only to do the barest try on and don't have time in store to imagine how things will play with the rest of my closet. Unless I have gone in there having already DONE the online shopping and I have a list.

If this is all you have purchased and kept, it does not sound like a lot to me, really. In comparison, I've purchased and kept -- count 'em -- 25 items for fall/ winter.

This does not include undies and PJS but does include slippers/ house shoes. It also includes my NAS purchases (kept ones) and that Orb bag and is from August until now.

I still have a few items on the way and I expect I'll do a bit of pruning and a bit of knit upgrading come January. I also have a few decisions to make (i.e. tags still on items.)

Like Kerry, I see you as having a beautifully honed style. One aspect of your style that I admire is that you appear to have a "signature" look and yet your style is quite varied. This is something I am struggling with myself at the moment. A part of me wants a simple "uniform." Another part of me would be bored by that. I suspect the place in between is the "signature" -- but I am struggling about which elements I need for my own. Apart from my short hair, which is a given, and short boots/ booties, another given, and blue/ white/winter-white/ grey/ cranberry as colours.

ETA: I haven't actually counted the things that I have bought and returned, but there were a lot, from NAS purchases to recent ones last week. My biggest fails this fall were with BR knits. I tried a ton of them and returned all but one.

jackiec

Veteran

Vivian, this is a well thought out & very well written analysis. I hear exactly what you are saying. Honestly, from what I'm seeing, you've been making really thoughtful purchases. You've set goals, you have a wonderful, honed sense of your style, and you are sticking to it. I believe the exhaustion comes from the extreme emotional investment in each piece; the incredible amount of thought and analysis put into every purchase. That's what I'm finding myself. In fact, I end up holding massive amounts of tension in my body during and after a big purchase, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, if the piece fits my goals, will it fit properly, etc. Not that I'm not loving what I buy, but I am so afraid to love it in case I'm getting it wrong. Sounds funny. Case in point, one of my goals has been to find a black bootie. In the past, I'd get something on sale, it'd be meh, but ok, but I'd get a deal and go with it. Now I'm getting pickier about fit, style, quality, etc. I've returned many booties (you know the movie ;). My latest purchase was a pair of SW booties. They were on sale, but still a bigger investment for me. Well it's like my whole body goes into decision mode for at least a week. I want to wear them, but am terrified that then I can't return them. My mind reels through possible outfits. Are they the right style? Are they too tall? Too short? Not pointy enough, etc. maybe I should just send them back. Will I regret sending them back? Etc. my point is that it is emotionally exhausting. Once I finally put it into rotation (or not), then I can relax. Long story short, I totally understand what you're saying. I'm guilty of the thrill of the hunt too. But you know, after you've made such well informed purchases, you can sit back and enjoy your closet for awhile, and play with all your new things. I think you've had a very productive fall and look forward to seeing all iterations in your closet.

kerry

Veteran

Jackie, I agree with EVERYTHING you just wrote! It's so much easier when you buy something cheap and cheerful, throw it on the next day and hardly think about it. BUT when you're trying to be super thoughtful about how a piece fits, fits into your current wardrobe, works for your lifestyle, if it's the best version of what you're looking for, all the analysis can be exhausting and frankly not fun! It's fun after, when you know you got it right and it becomes a wardrobe workhorse, and you love it every time you put it on. The process to get to those pieces can be arduous. Does it ever get easier? How does Angie sustain her energy for consistently holding out for the perfect pieces?

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Yes, it is so easy to get caught up in the buy/return cycle. I wonder if the degree of disappointment is because the pieces you order look so perfect on the website and don't live up to the expectations. In a BM store, you see the pieces on a hangar which doesn't show them to perfection so you (all of us) may have lower expectations.

It really is a bit of a rat race. I see pretty things on blogs or YLF and want some too. I order and they often don't pan out but even if it wasn't something I needed or was on a want list, I somehow feel the need to replace whatever it was I sent back or worse, wore once and parked in the back of the closet (I am talking to you BR leather front sweater).

For what it is worth, I agree with Suz and Kerry and my impression is that you seem to have your style down pat. Perhaps that is why you have trouble finding the right pieces too. Being choosy can be tiring but is also rewarding.

thimblelina

(website)

Veteran

Yes, you make it all seem so easy Viva. I didn't realize you were making so many returns. Returns are exhausting! And although you've retained only a small number of items you've purchased many more. That's exhausting too! You can take what I say with a grain of salt; I am the self described aspergersy shopper... but I'm probably just an outlier of what many people experience more mildly. I find the 'churn' of looking, comparing, trying on, carting home, getting used to or unloading too many new items just flays me. I begin to feel like my skin has been peeled back and I am a throbbing mass of exposed flesh. But I like to wear clothes, preferably fashionable and flattering clothes. So for me it is important that I build pauses into my shopping experiences. I'm an under shopper by nature, so I have a floor -- at least 6 items -- that I try to add for each of my three geographical 'seasons' and because once I get overstimulated I can get slap happy with the purchases I also have a ceiling -- no more than twelve items, period. After I buy a few items I try to wear them all a minimum of five different ways before I even think about buying again. (I know, that doesn't work well for preemptive purchases like a winter coat bought in the fall...) And when the inevitable returns happen, not always our fault I know in a world of weird color descriptions crazy inconsistent sizing, I still try to take responsibility and slow down the experience by timing myself out on a similar repurchase for two or three weeks until the money settles and I've had time to reframe that purchase. I see purchasing sort of like a shower head stream that can start to sting when it is too open. By slowing the flow I enjoy things more. Nothing makes me happier than when I can just effortlessly show up at my life's events in things that I enjoy wearing and suit me without feeling like I worked hard. Anyway, that's just me. More than you needed to know prolly!! Heh... But those are some of my strategies for coping with a world that might require me to pull things over my head too many times! Keep being fabulous Viva... xo

Thistle

Veteran

I understand the thrill of the hunt. And the exhaustion of returning.

Still, a very thoughtful analysis. And, honestly, returning is part of the deal when you order online. My shopping choices are limited, even more so when you take into account having small children and being a non-traditional size.

Still, I feel like you have really narrowed down what worked and what didn't. I believe this will help with future purchases. And purchase decisions.

And yes, sometimes really focusing on wearing works. I am a "list" person. I make grocery lists weekly, Christmas lists, to do lists, etc. it helps keep me focused and get stuff done. I have found that making myself focus on what I am and am not wear really reduces my shopping, AND hones my purchases.

I have too much on my plate to make a list of clothes, but I can flip the hanger in under 5 minutes. I flip it back once a piece has been worn. I can then visibly see each time I open my closet what I have and haven't worn based on the direction of the hanger. What am I reaching for that I have already flipped? I quickly found my shopping reduced as I didn't want to add another piece with the hanger going the wrong way.

Might work for you, and it is free and easy.

Joyce B

Veteran

Your post makes me think of my own purchases and returns.
I agree with others that you have your style down to pat. As annoying as it may be, it's better to return what you will not wear than to waste your money by keeping things that will not work for you. You are managing your purchases and you are doing the right thing. Returns are a part of purchasing so don't feel bad about that. I understand that you want to have a better focus with what you buy, I think I can use that, too.
I also do returns but what bothers me more is to decide to wear something because that makes the purchase final. That is a real concern with pricier items because I need to be sure that the fit is perfect, that they work with my style and will be worn without regret. That is what gives me trouble these days. For example, I have a pair of PG booties that are in limbo, I am still working on whether to wear or return.
What I am thinking is that, at least for me, I need to keep fashion fun and not let it become stressful.

Adelfa

Veteran

It is a pain to purchase online and then return. I used to feel at least a small sense of failure when I did so. But I've been gently working on myself to change how I think about that. Because I used to keep online purchases that weren't quite right, and now I ship them back immediately! Success! Really it's amazing that as many online purchases work as they do.

I used to shop online because I was 100 miles from good shopping. Now I am under 10 miles from every store I order from, and I still shop online. One thing that helps is making a quick decision when possible, and shipping things right back. It gets me down to have boxes sitting around, waiting for items I'm on the fence about.

But maybe it's not the returning per se that has you down, it's the fact that you purchased emotionally in the first place, deviating from your plan, resulting in the need to make returns? In other words, creating extra work and hassle for no good reason? Keeping a list and referring to it is good. Also I find that allowing maybe 25% of my purchases to be emotional keep things fresh and true to myself.

I agree with everyone else--I think you're doing great

Deb

Veteran

I understand what you are relating here Viva. It can be exhausting getting the right items!!

I really never have to buy on line and it must be frustrating having to guess, order and return so many items. Living in a large city with thousands of retail options makes it easy to try before I buy. I usually have a good idea of what I need before I leave to go shopping, peruse various websites pre- shopping to work out in my minds eye what will work with what I own, and have several favourite retailers I'm loyal to. I do buy AG jeans on line from the USA because the price is more reasonable than here, and I have taken an occasional on line punt at Scoop and Net-a-Porter, and fortunately haven't been disappointed or had to send anything back across the Pacific.

With guidance, and through experience and mistakes, I've learned what is right for me , and have got my wardrobe to a place that it requires only a small number of current updates each season. Thinking back, it has taken time, effort, anxiety at times, plenty of money and some self returns to get there.

I guess many of us go through a similar process in whatever form it takes. You have given yourself sound advice...."stay focused on your style goals". There are so many temptations to distract us Viva, but wear and enjoy the beautiful clothes you have, aim for quality over quantity most of the time and remember your own mantra.

Karie

(website)

Veteran

I've actually learned a lot from your post. I'm also going to piggyback off what Suz said about your travel/work schedule contributing to why you're feeling exhausted. I don't find buying and returning tiring, in fact I rather enjoy it as I look at it as a learning experience - I'm putting in to practice what I've learned here on YLF - Be fussy and make mindful purchases.

Fall is the time of year that I make most of my clothing purchases, and that makes sense, as here in the northeast winter is long - it snows from November (even October!) until April (even May!) and I work from Sept. until June. Last year I set some purchasing goals and stuck to them not one bit. This year I tried again and did a pretty good job of sticking to my purchasing goals. So see, it's a learning process - don't beat yourself up about the process, just learn from it.

kkards

Veteran

Viva. I think what's excellent about the internet is also what's not. I live in a small city. Shopping here is ok,not terrible,but certainly not NYC or even Boston. For years i made do with what was here,and a couple of trips a year to visit family and maybe some shopping in NYC or Boston. Now I have the whole world 3-14 days away. And honestly,it's opened up lot more possibilities,but it's also opened up a lot more possibilities. KWIM. It's not as simple or easy anymore. Why settle when I could find something better? And, well, I am finding it a little overwhelming. I'm not ready to settle, but I think,like you, I'm looking for someway rein it in.

Elly

Veteran

Vivian-- I hate shopping. Period! I don't enjoy it, and if I could find or afford someone else to do it with me or for me I would. For me, online shopping provides too many options that I have to limit with the sad facts like practicality and budget and too much time to worry about something being right or not. Waiting on purchases and returns kills me because I just want to get it over with. Brick and mortar isn't accessible, but even if it was after a lifetime of shopping online I often feel like there isn't enough time to cogitate about a piece and wonder if I'm getting the quality I want or the best price. I think a lot of it comes from a mentality of scarcity where I know that if I don't get something I NEED right I have to stare at it regardless, for years. I also don't think it helps that anyone in my life understands my clothing needs or has ever shopped like an adult. Plus, like Thimblelina I have neurological issues that make being in
stores except for the rare nearly empty JCrew really uncomfortable.

I am the outlier among women. Thousands of years of evolution have engaged the female brain to want to gather by looking for what is available and picking up whatever catches their eye. But there are always limiters. People who use this technique to provide food have had to zero in on the highest nutrition, highest calorie foods because there is a limit to the hours in the day and how much they can carry, how far they can look ( females in hunter gather societies provide the majority of food for the community). They have always been burdened with other tasks like handicrafts, gathering non-food necessities, and caring for children, but mostly got to spend there time with food prep, gathering, and leisure. Just like those people, women today have to learn how to zero in on what they like, want, and need to avoid overburdened houses, wallets, and schedules --- plus, women have less time to "shop" than ever before and many places to go.

I think the key to having fun with fashion is to be able to make the decisions about items that catch your eye without guilt. Go out into the shopping universe looking for your areas of need, but if you have the budget there is no foul in stopping for things that catch your eye so long as they don't overwhelm your search. I think Angie's lack of immediate need because of a well-stocked closet and her ability to both plan ahead and make decisions at home or on the spot without agonizing helps-- she has a lot of joy and fun but also keeps things within her framework of practicality and one-in-one out.

Personally, I've been feeling a lot of joy and a lot of indecision about my clothes. I'm not used to aquiring so much all at one time-- I do much easier with a few pieces a season. That said, my dress code at work had changed and I needed new things. I've been chronically under-shopping by choice and necessity and this fall I had the budget set aside to get myself set up better, and who knows when that will happen again. While I'm buying pretty minimally, I still worry about what happens if the next job doesn't allow jeans or requires a uniform because then there will be too much to wear. That said, owning 3 pairs of jeans when you wear them daily is a ridiculous response to that. So, this season I felt both a very real need to make some purchases so I could get dressed and a concern that once I had things that I should have made different decisions or waited for better. I've decided that I'm going to just enjoy my things and learn from there. I tallied it up and have made 16 purchases, and I still have items coming to me. It wasn't until I'd shopped quite a bit that I realized that all the things I was keeping were black, grey, and navy. It wasn't intentional and I'm not sure I'm happy with it. That said, I've realized that I need more toppers and shoes than I started off looking for to get through the season comfortably, and still haven't found all the tops I started out searching for for laundry reasons. I've probably returned over 70 items broken up over shoes, pants, sweaters, button downs, belts, tops, bags, scarves and blouses.

rabbit

Veteran

I relate to a lot of your feelings and what thimbleina says about keeping the incoming tap on 'low' and wearing something five different ways before buying the next thing to keep the 'wear' part of the cycle in balance with the 'buy' for greater happiness.

I guess for me PPP is useful but has its own pitfalls. I can have a perfectionist and OCD streak in many areas of my life and sometimes to get over it I just need to tell myself something doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be done (bought if it's a true necessity, skipped if I can get by until one in my price range comes along, maybe in another season). Ultimately it's just clothes. I want to save my agonizing for cars, houses, mattresses -- the big purchases that require a significant outlay of money. For me if I spend too much on any one clothing item or at any one time, unless it's one or two a year that are intense love affairs (those I don't regret), the stress isn't worth it. I'd rather enjoy the process and be focused and careful, but with relatively little sunk cost if I discover something just isn't going to fly after several wears.

With returns I feel no guilt whatsoever, I feel good that I'm being a wise consumer. I'm a little fish, the retailer is (usually) a big corporation. There is no contest as to whose pocketbook will be most impacted by the cost of an item that doesn't work out.

With emotional shopping, I have mixed experiences. On the one hand, shopping for some basic on my list that I'm not finding can require many more returns and hand-wringing than a fun item I come across that ends up being a workhorse. On the other hand, I'm trying out 'emotional browsing' instead of 'emotional buying' those times when I know I'm out at the stores for other reasons than really needing to get something. Emotional browsing and trying things on can often serve the same function. I go home, jot down something I liked in my notes, if I'm still thinking about it three days later I go back. I'm usually not though.

Sal

Veteran

Another interesting post....I admire your style very much Viva, but do know how annoying and frustrating returns are.

I identified with Kkards comments. Previously we would not have had access to shops and clothes and style 24 hours a day or 7 days a week through internet shopping or blogs or forums. I used to look forward to the fashion mags arriving and read them avidly but often not be able to purchase. There are lots of articles out there about choice, and how we now have too many choices which overloads us. And the US has the most choices in my experience.

it sounds as though you have a plan going forward. I too will revisit my style goals to see where I am at....one of them has changed/derailed I know!

bj1111

Veteran

So much self-lashing with the wet noodle of guilt. srly, no need. Also agree with Suz, you have a lot going on. who can fit it all in and not feel exhausted. i think in terms of an energy bank as well as a decision bank. i have a finite supply of both so i try to minimize the drain or replenish when i can. you might be in a needs-replenishment cycle. being low on energy exacerbates bad/impulsive decisions. too many complex decisions (at work, at home) depletes energy and each additional decision takes more and more energy.

re the buying and keeping or returning, if it's not fun and step away.

btw, i LOVE the elephant print skirt and the navy jcrew tneck and lots of the stuff you kept, fwiw.

catgirl

Veteran

I know just how you feel! My husband and UPS guy do too. I am trying hard to be more careful about purchasing but it seems like an endless process of refining. I have been thinking about strategies to curb my restless and fickle nature - funny because I am only this way with shopping. I am going to respond to Gaylene's post in more detail about that thought.

If you need a shopping break, take a shopping break - just don't leave us!

Elle

Veteran

A very thoughtful post and one that has me thinking about my own buying habits I think you are on the right track of focusing on what you will wear rather than on the hunt.

But I think you should be proud of your returns - they show you have the self discipline to rethink your purchases. Shopping is always done with imperfect information (either you don't know the fit or haven't seen it in real light or with your other clothes) and when you have the items at home, you have more and better information.

You have a wonderful sense of style.

Anonymous

We're on much the same wave-length, and I thank you for articulating what you have here. It means I can save myself that step

When I first joined the forum and YLF, I had this idea that I would all of a sudden have the tools and information I needed to "fix" what was wrong with my clothes and my attitude toward them. Well, with my first real shopping season now reaching the end, I'd say it has been a largely unsatisfactory experience for me. I had great expectations for what I would miraculously find out there that I hadn't managed to find in past years, and had great expectations that i would set some goals and stick to them. Well ......no. Didn't happen. I didn't find current, gorgeous clothes at the kind of price I'm willing to pay and found it disheartening and frustrating to be reminded over and over again what my limitations are if I'm not willing to spend time on-line searching and ordering clothes.

I proved to myself that I am only willing to devote so much time and energy and thought to clothes and wardrobe management. I don't want to spend so much time pondering choices and thinking about clothes. I LOVE clothes. I LOVE fashion. I love the BUSINESS of fashion. But I cannot and will not let it take over all of my spare time and head space. I want my mind to be occupied with other things. I have limited time to shop, I don't love doing it, and want to be able to make my choices from only a few tried and true retailers. I don't enjoy wandering, trying on, thinking about whether something is perfect or not, and I hate hunting through stores that don't meet my needs for a pleasant shopping experience (i.e. F21, H&M, Target, etc) So - in my case, it means I am making the decision to operate with fewer choices. And I need to be OK with that.

Angie's Lilac/Toffee/Cream post of the other day was a perfect example . I have a new lilac sweater. Great - ! So I thought , hmm, maybe I should have a pair of toffee or cream pants and a cool pair of cream or toffee boots like she suggested. Well, while looking through stores this past week , there was not a single pair of toffee trousers nor any cream ones to be found. I still have yet to find a pair of cream or cognac boots I like . Where is all this stuff? Well, it's on the internet, and I'm just not adding that hobby to my already long list of more important things to do.

I got very caught up (in this first season with YLF) with analyzing other members' outfits, thinking about what worked and why /not, and then thinking I wanted or needed something they had that had never crossed my radar until that moment. I spent a lot of money this fall - and although my knitwear needed upgrading to more current silhouettes, I'm still not in possession of a wardrobe that works at many levels and is satisfying me. I now have a ton of sweaters, but not much else. Still no jeans or bottoms I'm in love with, and no workable capsules. But I'm sick and tired of shopping and hunting. I don't want to try on and bring home and then maybe return any more stuff.

I'm not sure what I've concluded here, or what I've contributed. Maybe nothing. This could be all crazy ramblings from my guilty self - who wants to be well dressed, current (if not better than that) but does not want to make it my life's work.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Maybe one thing that could help is turning to outfit planning more carefully? Posting WIWs, or even just taking the photos and not posting, helps me to re-focus on what I have rather than what I want. I do have a closet FULL of clothing, and much of it I do love. So, putting together outfits - I lay them on my bed and photograph them (something I learned from Angie) - can give me that creative outlet without feeling like I need to replace everything. Then I'll sometimes identify holes that I can carefully shop for (e.g. a chambray shirt, or a wine-colored sweater).

I also use Pintrest as inspiration for putting together outfits with items I already own.

Another thing I use pintrest for is to pre-plan outfits if I'm wanting to add a new item to my wardrobe that isn't a hole, but a whole new concept - such as culottes. I'll collect pintrest inspiration first, and make sure I have coordinating items before I make the purchase.

viva

Veteran

Ahh - such wisdom here. Thank you all for being so smart and so kind.

Suz, you are right -- I've had a lot going on, and that may be coloring my point of view to some degree. Also, I should note these are not ALL of my fall purchases, just everything bought in the last two months (so not NAS and not anything bought in August or early Sept.). Also, you mentioned recently that Mr. SUz buys a lot online too. If Mr Viva did, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. But Mr Viva is sadly not at all a clothes horse. He spends his money on music so his expenditures are completely invisible to me. I hardly notice if he comes home with a new instrument. Yet, the UPS man knows me by name. Ugh.

Jackie/Dianthus, I think you two are soo right to focus on the emotional investment in the purchase process, and the disappointment when things don't work out. I think that explains a lot of what I am feeling. Fashion is indeed very emotional for me.

Joyce, I laughed when I read your note about wearing something and making the purchase final! The 3x1 skinnies are still in their plastic in my closet. I have palpitations when I look at them. Will I or won't I? Keep or return? Aaargh!!!!

Kerry, I can so relate to wanting to get rid of mediocre things! I think part of my problem is not giving some things enough time and creative focus to be fabulous! They might seem mediocre because I am not trying hard enough. I really need to look in my closet more and not be so easily swayed by everyone else's cool stuff.

Rabbit/Kiwigal/Una/Elle: I like the advice to consider returns a function of our choice-rich environment, to even be proud of my returns -- even if the UPS guy and I are becoming so close. That does help. For now, I think I am going to really try to limit returns by -- as Rabbit said -- keeping the incoming tap on low for a while, to replenish my energy and to get to know my closet better.

Meredith/Thimbelina, I love the wear-it-five-ways idea. I'm consciously planning some outfits (right on, Jenava) and will definitely focus some energy on multiple approaches to the same idea. And Thistle, thanks for reminding me of the hanger idea, which can help me make sure I am really mining my closet well. Deb/Adelfa/Karie/Elly: thanks for the encouragement to stay focused and enjoy my things. Lists, keeping an eye on my goals, knowing it's a process, letting myself make some emotional purchases ... it's all helpful.

Lisa, it's funny, I don't want analyzing my fashion choices to take over my life either. I love clothing and fashion! It's really one of my few non-work passions and I don't want to weigh it down with too much thought. But when it starts to make me sad and anxious, something has to give. Thank goodness for YLF, and all of you and your great responses and advice.

PS, Meredith, I still have the Gap moto sitting on my counter. It has not yet made it back to the store.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Vivian, it's so true -- Mr. Suz can hardly give me the hairy eyeball when half the packages (or more) are for HIS stuff. And he returns at an even faster rate than I do. The UPS guy knows both our names. And Mark's son's name, too. He practically lives here....

One thing I have been doing also is keeping track of what I am wearing. Not just in photos but in a list. I do try to take a photo most days (even if I don't post it) -- but after thinking about Mo's numbers posts and some of the comments on there -- particularly from Caro, who said that tracking what she actually wore was really valuable -- I decided to put a bit of fashion energy there.

It sounds sort of dull. But just ticking off what I am wearing (and noticing that, and noticing what I'm wearing less) has actually been extremely enlightening and has somehow eased the whole shopping experience a bit.

I've still be shopping and buying, obviously. And editing, too. But instead of with a fevered intensity, I'm doing it with a very dispassionate curious attitude. As in, "Okay. Now I have this thing I wanted. What am I going to do with it, I wonder? Will I wear it or not wear it? Why or why not?"

My realizations, so far, are hardly startling. Before I started this exercise I thought I was wearing most of my clothes. And I AM in fact wearing most of my clothes. But I do notice that I'm wearing some a lot more than I realized, and others a bit less.

Ultimately, I hope to use this tracking to help me refine my signature style a little bit more precisely. I think I DO have a "signature" of sorts -- the "urban prince -- androgynous, modern, relatively minimal and quite casual. But I'd like to take that a bit further perhaps, a little bit closer to "uniform" territory -- if I can find a way to do that without getting bored, and if I can find a way to do that while still being able to dress well for every type of event (and weather) in my life.

These are two very big "ifs" at the moment. But I think I'm heading in that direction, and this will launch me on a phase of refinement vs. addition for the next little while.

So the energy will be less on finding things and acquiring them and more on figuring out which of those things is the best fit for me.

Again, I think you have brilliant style -- and now that work is settling down a bit you will have a chance to enjoy your clothes!

Peri

Veteran

Wow, I can so relate. I love what kerry and jackie added also. And on top of that, for me there is no thrill of the hunt...I don't find shopping fun, as I have said before. And the whole PPP issue really does mess with my head!

Case in point is my post of today about the pants. Deciding to try and achieve a certain look, because it is stylish and fab and I admire it on others, may just flat out not be worth it for me! If I have to try so hard to make something work, maybe I should just save the effort?

Overall, I am glad of my participation here...the education, the closet overhaul, the refining of what I want, the friends and support. I do think I look better and am happier in my clothes than I have been for years. But sometimes I just wonder if I should give up on Fab and just go for Okay!

UmmLila (Lisa)

Veteran

I think the best advice you've gotten is from BJ1111: if it's not fun, step away.

We know from your WIWs that you look fab whenever you want to. And as long as you're mantaining that when you need to (work in a creative profession), that's all you need. The rest is a hobby, not a lifestyle. If you have the time and budget, and you're still having fun, go with it.

You probably have enough stress elsewhere in your life. I know I do. I have decided recently that Sundays shall be for massages, and not for pre-loading Monday work. And it feels better.

tulle

Veteran

Oh Viva, clearly we've all been there. The online candystore can be both a wonderful eye-opener and an energy-sapping temptation. But when I look at your list of recent keepers and returns, I see success: You have what looks like a very useful and appealing wardrobe capsule to take you through the Winter, so how can that be bad? The returns (I know they're a nuisance--I'm awful at returning, and my elder daughter reaps the benefit of that!) are probably no more than you would have rejected in the dressing room, had you been able to try them on at your leisure. But leisure seems to be in short supply for you at the moment, so be as kind to yourself as you would be to any of us, and give yourself credit for choosing wisely in the end.

Meow

Veteran

I am so glad you posted this. I was feeling completely inept. I have bought and returned SOOOO many things - I've lost count - since joining YLF. I think I'm becoming addicted to shopping! I seem to want every FIND and am amazed at how much everyone else seems to be shopping all the time. I justify my purchases due to the free shipping/return policy and the fact that I haven't shopped or purchased much in the last few years (I know Accountants don't budget this way) I have put in a ridiculous amount of time analyzing outfits and reading blogs and online shopping. It's all so frivolous. But on the upside - it is fun. I really have never looked better. I do think my "fashion eye" is becoming educated

- it's all an art that you have to learn. I have always tended to go overboard in my pursuits so on the one hand I'm hoping this is a phase but am also hoping that I'm learning and growing and will continue to get better at seeing the quality items, the items that will work for my body and style, the good values.....it all takes practice and experience ....right?