Echo your dad's words ring true, I heard somewhere that every hours sleep before midnight is the equivalent of 2 of the hours after midnight or something like that x

I haven't read the other replies yet, but we always just told our girls that they were too young to sleep-over until we felt they were ready. We also occasionally said that if we did not 'know' the other adults involved we were not comfortable with that either, and that is was because we love them that we were saying 'no'.
What about the option of having the other child say at your house instead?

DD & her friends are still underage (below 21) for drinking in the US although I have no illusions re alcohol consumption in college. As in high school, she and they are always trolling for parties. And the report inevitably comes back: "No party here; my parents are too responsible." Don't you just love those other parents and the kids they raised? I actually think the kids are secretly proud and relieved.

I have really enjoyed reading the replies. It's so great to see so many sides of the same coin! The only thing I have to add is about how to talk to your daughter about it. At our house, we have been having lots of discussions with our 11 year old son about why he can't do/watch/have what other kids do. The only thing to at seems to help him wrap his mind around the glaring perceived unfairness has been for us to explain that every family is responsible for their own family and they all have different sets of rules, preferences and values. The thing that really helps him (hopefully) keep from judging the other parents or saying hurtful things to friends, is that we point out things that we allow that his friends' parents don't. Just as his cousin is not allowed to see movies that might scare her or have bad language, we feel that he can handle the action and know when not to use certain inappropriate words. We ask him if this makes us bad parents that we allow him to do something that another family doesn't allow. Of course he thinks this makes us great parents, but it paints a picture that he can understand that his friend's parents aren't bad either. They just allow something we aren't comfortable with. The 9,10,11 years are so awesome for the amount of teaching and reasoning that can be done! Anyway... I just thought a practical glimpse into one of the many discussions in our house might spark your imagination on how to work through this with your daughter. These tough situations are amazing fodder for life lessons! You seem to have such a sweet mama-heart...

I walk this line all the time with my 10 year old son. We are pretty strict parents, although we do allow sleepovers with close friends (whose parenting skills and homes we know). Our son knows our rules and is fairly good about abiding by them as much as he can. At the same time, I 100% support Angie and others in the theory that the more kids are exposed to other choices and lifestyles, the more they can discuss why you choose otherwise for them. My son comes home complaining about friends whose parents don't serve fruit, or let them watch hours of TV. I figure kids are brainwashed by so many influences - I want to be the first.

My son knows I am not his friend or his playmate; I am his mother. I often tell him that my job is to raise him like any other mammal, to be independent and successful on his own, and I will decide (along with DH) how best to do that. Luckily he is a rule follower and will not hesitate to let people know that he is not allowed to do certain things. I make it clear to him that he can use me as the bad guy now and forever if it gets him out of a peer pressure situation.

I do try to sensitize him not to say things like "My mother says parents who let their kids do X are bad parents" because that's not the lesson. It's more "In our family, we choose not to do X because we believe that Y is better."

This is a hard one for me. Particularly since I am a parent of two girls, I train in an MMA gym, and I have been to an UFC showing with my kids (who weren't particularly interested anyhow).

I also cosleep, practice unconditional parenting, and send my kids to a Montessori school (where there is a lot of emphasis on practicing peace).

So in some eyes, that would make me a parent with questionable judgement.

That's fine.

What matters is what you feel and what your gut says. You are the parent. I would echo the others in saying that this is a great learning opportunity to discuss different lifestyles and choices, etc., and make clear where you stand without badmouthing other choices (which I truly appreciate).

I Iike how Jenava put it. There is a difference between using your judgement and being " judgmental", I think. Taking time even for this discussion on YLF may help desensitize things for you so you can be more matter if fact and simple in your discussions-- " as your mom I think that it is not good for you to watch very violent ..."
Also makes us think of whether we are consistent! I was always irked at how even the most innocuous- appearing kid movies snuck in bad language or sexual innuendo..
I think it is great also to ask DD what she thinks of various things, like fights , violence, sports, different types of humor) and you can do that in ways not just linked to this family. Ultimately, educating and helping your child grow
up is the goal, and she's not too young to hear that concept ( meaning, at that age we include rationales) even if she, like all kids, may not nod & agree with
your wisdom at the time.
I'm almost more concerned about how sensitive the other mom is to judgement and criticism of what is clearly a fringe activity, because that sounds less mature and be a sign that she might be more protective of her " right" to do this than of child safety.

I will come back to respond to each person individually. Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much peace it brings me.

CC, I would like to address you now. I don't think that they are questionable parents for the UFC stuff alone. Though I really hate UFC, truthfully. It really comes down to the fact that it never stops, that there are men in and out of the house that I don't know, and that they don't supervise the kids. I know that they would not uphold my wish that my daughter not watch UFC or that she be there at a time when all those men weren't there. Those things make me very, very nervous. Interestingly, this is the first time in 3 years that my daughter has gotten an invite. But when the little girl is here, we talk about her mom's competitions. I tell her how impressed I am by her mom's commitment and discipline and how strong she is physically. ( This is all true.) I love to see a strong woman. My daughter's friend likes to talk about it sometimes, so I talk about the things that I find positive. She only once brought up how proud she was that her mom "beat the other lady until she bled.." and I shut that down. That I didn't like. Though I didn't tell the child that.

But out of curiosity, what do you like about UFC ? It seems like such an outlier to everything else you do. : )

In the end, what I have learned here is that I really need to have a heart to heart with my daughter about her exposure to certain things...but that it is not the people.

I am not a parent yet and can't really offer much perspective that everyone else hasn't covered! I just wanted to chime in to say that it's possible your daughter's friend really doesn't feel strongly either way and would be perfectly happy to continue just visiting your home. I had friends who only offered to host every now and then, I think because they felt obligated to reciprocate. We could tell if they really didn't care and would be happy continuing to visit our home.

One of my best friends since 6th grade has never hosted in her family home. I know her parents well, get along with her family, and am honestly not sure why she did not want friends to visit the house. But her way of handling it was to always plan events out of the house - bowling, movies, snowtubing, etc. If you're uncomfortable about the imbalance of always hosting your daughter's friend, you could switch to more outside-the-home activities in general. But it's possible the girl views your house as a welcome respite from the weirdness at her own home! Personally I think she's lucky to have you to visit! The fighting is one thing, but she might not be comfortable with all those strange men in her house constantly, either. And that's only going to become more problematic as she becomes a teenager.

Isabel, thanks for responding! I can see why you don't want your DD there. As parents, we all have our reasons for allowing or not allowing our kids to go on playdates or sleepovers. I'd also feel uncomfortable with strangers going in and out, and the parent not respecting my wishes. Interestingly enough, the scenario you describe also brings to mind football fans and football parties

As far as UFC goes, I'm not a superfan but I do watch it if it happens to be on. I've been involved in martial arts since I was a child, but my appreciation of MMA has developed as I have learned the techniques and strategies that the fighters use (and by no means am I any kind of expert!). So when I watch, I don't see people randomly fighting. I look at the types of punches they use, the types of holds they use, how they avoid or get out of the attacks, etc. Does that make sense?

Again, thank you. What a wonderful set of thoughtful responses.

CC, yes. After reading all the replies, I realized that my issue is not the UFC per se but the obsession that disallows anything else from going on at the house. Even during playdates. What you said really struck me. I don't know anything about martial arts, so it does seem like random violence to me. Interesting. My husband HATES rap, but I know a little about it, and I just really love a good rap with word bending. Hmmmmmm.......thank you.

Gillian, I actually have no problem with "hosting" every time ! LOL I prefer it. It just made for a sticky situation that my daughter did get invited and I just don't want her there. But you are right, the stakes will only get higher. thank you !

Unfrumped, I realized that is a big problem for me. When other people are involved and I make a judgement call, I end up feeling judgmental. You are right in that there is a difference. The comment from Jenava was very elucidating.

AG, it is such a tough line. Teaching children to make value decisions without judging other people is so tough. My kids also know that I am not their friend. Though I LOVE One Direction and Macklemore !

Sara your comment really touched me. I just hope that my kids don't end up in therapy because of me ! I really appreciated your own family example.

DonnaF, ahhhh, that is my dream ! You must be so proud !

Lyn, I am going to suspend sleepovers until I get a better handle on this. And to be fair to this friend, I am going to do it for everyone.

Louise...oooo, I may just have learned a lesson from your dad. : )

Echo, yes, at least in this situation, I find it such a crap shoot that I can't chance it. In the end, this is what is really about for me. Thanks for your insights !