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Need help on an issue

Glory

Veteran

Over the past 4 days days I have been struggling on an issue in terms of deciding what I should do. I was hoping it would become clearer to me but it hasn't. I need some wisdom and guidance - so here I am
I have a child in final year of high school (17). He volunteers with mentoring and has for some time - running events etc. This week half of this group was told they were now going to be "behind the scenes" and the other half of the group would run the events. The rationale - the other group is more motivated.
My child was devastated as were many of the others. He has tried twice to speak to the teacher running the group and has been brushed aside. He has committed huge amounts of his personal time and was voted last year best leader.He wishes to deal with this on his own either by sucking it up, trying again to understand why or by leaving the group altogether.
As a mom I am upset about it on several levels.
The mom in me wants to request a meeting. But then - my child doesn't want me to do that. And to be honest I just really want her to see how much she has hurt the 20 kids who were working hard volunteering.
What do you ladies think?

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17 replies

Latest reply was from Peri

Anonymous

He should write a letter and try to meet with the organizer again or the larger organization. Kudos to him for trying to take action.

Please don't step in until your son feels like he has exhausted his options. It is so important that kids learn how to deal with issues themselves and not rely on Mum and Dad to fix everything (says someone who deals with many over involved parents at work).

Glory

Veteran

Ceit I cannot thank you enough for this wisdom. I really wish I were not so upset about it. He has told me he doesn't feel it is worth the effort any longer and it is their loss.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that.

I agree with Ceit. It sounds like he is trying to handle it in all the right ways -- by communicating calmly with the teacher in charge. I think a letter or an email is a good idea to make sure his thoughts are presented in an organized, reasonable way. Perhaps you can take a look at it for him and offer constructive criticism, if needed?

Here's one perspective on this: Sad as it is, this situation is actually good training for him in life. There will be bosses who assign projects to colleagues for any number of reasons, regardless of the talent or dedication of the person excluded. He is learning how to handle these situations that can be moments of disappointment and resentment, and possibly turn them into opportunities either to demonstrate something new to the powers that be, or to find a new endeavor in which he is more appreciated.

Good luck to him! I'm sorry he's going through this. It is so hard to not be appreciated and rewarded for hard work.

ironkurtin

Veteran

As much as I hate to say this, life is full of unfairness and disappointments. This will not be his last time. It sounds like he is on his way to being able to handle these things with thoughtful maturity, so kudos to you for raising such a good person - soon to be a good, grown up man.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Glory - this sounds tough. It's really hard to understand what's actually going on.

I feel for you and for your son.

I do think it's best if he tries to deal with this himself. As others have said, this is great practice. But you can support him by offering a listening ear. And if he chooses to write a letter you can take a look at it for him to ensure it's expressing what he wants to express.

It's so hard to see out kids disappointed or troubled. Motherhood is not for the fainthearted.

deb

Veteran

It is so hard when our children face issues that we think are unfair. Since he is in his final year I agree that he needs to handle the situation. Once he is out of school and in the real world, he will have to deal with these issues often. Now is the time he can practice his skills with some guidance.

Glory

Veteran

Ladies thanks - feeling better about it and realize I need to step away as recommended.

Krista

Veteran

I'll be the spanner and suggest that a call to the school might be in order. The reorganization of this group does sound strange and somewhat inequitable. It also sounds like the group that was deemed as "less motivated" was quite shocked to have been informed that this was how they were seen. The order of events doesn't seem to add up to me and, if this were my school, I'd like to know if kids who were labelled as "leaders" were suddenly NOT leading in a way they had expected. It kind of defeats the purpose of student leadership, you know?!?

I agree with the others who have said that your son is older and this is a life skill that needs to be learned. But teens are still pretty vulnerable at 17 and it's okay to be a parent who advocates for their child, in fact, they need it even more in high school. You can always call an administrator at the school to clarify the situation and clearly state that you do not want your son to know you called to ask about it. I field calls like that from parents all the time. It is also not safe to assume that a school's administration knows everything that is going on in a high school, so it's possible they are unaware that this has even happened. Besides, you don't have to be speaking up for your son only. There might be someone else in the student group who needs your advocacy, but whose parents cannot speak up for them - for whatever reasons. Concerned parents help schools do a better job, so if you really feel like you need to know more, I'm just saying that it's okay to ask.

Anonymous

Krista has good advice -- that is why I said don't step in unless your son feels like his options are exhausted. It sounds like he is a good egg and has tried to solve things on his own, which is really important. But if he is still getting stonewalled, then it might be up to you to escalate.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Agree with the others -- let your son deal with it. He will learn more from handling it on his own than by having a parent intervene. And by handling, I mean dealing with his understandable disappointment as well as actually working out what he wants to do/say/whatever to the teacher.

To ease your own frustration with the teacher, you could try letting the air out of her tires.

HAHAHAHAHAAAA kidding.

(but don't get caught)

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Teachers blow off students so much that a lot of times there really is nothing more a child can do on their own. I have dealt so much with the school system and remember my mother telling me she felt like she had to fight them all the time. I can't tell you the number of times we have approached a teacher only to have them respond like they had no idea that they caused such chaos. It's like they were hearing it for the first time despite my knowing that several children had attempted to bring the issue up. My kids would say don't do anything ,but after trying on their own , relented and asked for our help. I would just talk it over with him to see if he remains firm in not wanting your involvement.

Krista

Veteran

Hey folks, let's keep it friendly toward the teachers, okay? :). I agree that the system is flawed and not all educators are great at their job, but there are lots of us out there working hard for the benefit of kids and parents. Just had to put that out there. Cheers!

Elly

Veteran

My mom is a teacher--- so I'm definitely not knocking them. That said, the whole situation sounds strange. I would ask your son to speak to other adults who may be involved with the group, and speak to other children that are have likewise been involved but seemingly no longer will be allowed to participate in their former positions. I think the teacher at the very least owes a logical explanation to the students (i.e. there aren't enough adults to supervise the number of students at events, etc), and if she can't provide that she needs to be told calmly yet explicitly how she is making students feel. I know I was involved in a academic and community service organization in high school that also makes referalls for scholarships and often felt like I wasn't included (I wasn't even invited to be in the group picture that was used to represent the group) even though I showed up and worked at almost every event we hosted. In the end the mentor for the group didn't reffer me for a single scholarship, while other students were referred multiple times. I wish I had been more vocal about the situation when I had been neglected in other aspects of the group (I too was an officer, even though I hadn't wanted to be but did it because we needed one).

Adelfa

Veteran

For me the key is not whether you should step in, but the fact that your son has asked you not to. I feel so proud of him on your behalf. If he does exhaust his options, or if he does give up early, maybe you can have another talk with him about your potential role. I respect Krista's advice very much, but couldn't it be problematic to do something behind his back that he has asked you not to do?

When our kids have adversity it stings very deep. I applaud you for your effort to make a well thought out decision about this.

rachylou

Veteran

What exactly is wrong with being behind the scenes?

Mochi

Veteran

I was thinking that too, rachylou. Someone's got to do it, right? Maybe I'm missing some key information.

Peri

Veteran

I'm not a parent so bear that in mind...it's easier to be objective but I also might not really know how it feels!

But...as a teacher I would say do not step in. I see way too many over protective parents these days trying to shield their child from every disappointment. Of course you don't want him to be hurt, but you do want him to be strong. Those life skills have to be learned sometime.