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need a fashion consult here....

Adelfa

Veteran

Please help me figure something out: do I need to look softer at work? This is the back story....

So as many of you know, I started a new job six weeks ago. My new job is similar to my old job, which is helping to manage a mental health program of about 50 people. However the standards of attire are different. Jeans are okay every day. My counterpart, the other Manager, wears jeans and Cons (he does this in a stylish, well put together way). My boss wears flowing garments accented by stunning hand-knit (by her) pieces. I decided just to wear my normal work clothes and to observe my own self-imposed Casual Friday. So Monday through Thursday I wear dress pants and booties with a silk shirt or a nice sweater, with a blazer and a warm scarf because my office is freezing. Sometimes I wear a sheath dress or pencil skirt with tall boots. Plus blazer and warm scarf.

Nobody is dressed like I am, except for the higher-ups who are in another office 10 miles away. It's not my goal to out-dress everyone. But (1) those were the clothes I had; and (2) I thought it wasn't all bad to dress nicely given that I was new in a management position.

Today I wore something a little different, a fit-and-flare surplice dress with a toning cardigan and tall wedge boots. (This is a dress I feel frumpy in but I get so many compliments on it that I've kept it in rotation.) I'd worn the dress before, but today my boss noticed it. "Oh! You're wearing a dress! Usually you're in suits!"

Note that (1) She's only seen me in a suit once, at my interview in July; (2) I've worn the dress before; and (3) I wear jeans every Friday. Also, come to think of it, when I wore my ink blue lace pencil skirt, she said I looked nice.

Her remark got me thinking. Do I look like I wear a suit every day? Is this a bad thing? Do I need to wear flared dresses more? Does she *want* me to look softer? What kind of impression am I making? What should I wear? How am I going to keep warm?

To me I am dressing appropriately. To me my image is not overly harsh or high-authority. Am I wrong? Is it foolish to have an image that's completely different from everyone else's?

Any thoughts? Thank you so much!!!

Dressing

20 replies

Latest reply was from Diana

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

You could wear some of your same pieces but mix in jeans, not just on Fridays. Basically, I think it's ok to shift your dress code to one that's a bit more casual, given that you said people wear jeans every day there.

This would be the "gradually fitting in" strategy. And all that that implies not just from a dressing standpoint.

The other strategy would be to continue to dress in your present manner which is similar to the dress that the authority figures wear. It is not a bad strategy as it might get you noticed and respected at different levels up and down. However you would have to make sure your boss is very comfortable with you and trusts you and does not feel you are competing with her. She would have to think your attire is just the way you dress and has no real meaning or threat. In other words you'd have to work at fitting in interpersonally rather than having clothes help you along. If that makes sense at all.

Greyscale

Veteran

People who are used to casual dress might not even distinguish a suit from a slacks + blazer combo. I'm not sure I would have before I started paying more attention to clothes.

It sounds like she definitely notices your clothing, but I don't think that's necessarily a problem. CocoLion has a good point about not wanting to trigger competitiveness, so I guess you can see if any of that sort of dynamic is growing between you and your boss.

Adelfa

Veteran

Denise, that makes a lot of sense. Her remark today, and the tone it was in, made me fear exactly that my style was not comfortable for her. Maybe do the blazer with jeans thing? And get more dresses!!!

Thanks so much for your very wise remarks! You helped me get this job in the first place!

Desmo April

(website)

Veteran

Especially in a casual workplace slacks and a blazer does read as a suit. My workplace is casual but stylish. No one is ever in a full suit even VPs.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I think sometimes the California Casual thing is super heightened down here in LA, and even more in beach towns. I am continuously surprised by what my clients wear to work (apparently the investment biz is very stuffy compared to everyone else).

It sounds like your boss might be uncomfortable, and that in turn is making YOU uncomfortable. So maybe keep those blazers and slacks in rotation but pair them with Things That Are Definitely Separates. A blazer with a dress or bottom in a highly contrasting color, or jeans. And then pair the trousers with a long sleeved blouse, maybe a cardi or a vest if you're cold.

ETA: to Denise's point, you could also follow her comments with, "Oh, I guess I just got used to this from my old office..." and see if she writes it off as being stuck in your ways (as opposed to jockeying for a position of power).

lyn67

Veteran

I was going to say what Denise/Rae said, and more:-BIG yes for more fab jeans with all the jackets you have(not only Fridays). Then, you can wear your suit slacks/skirts/dresses as separates with say some fab crisp denim jackets. Depends on your choice of course, but I would take it a great challenge to dress closer to my boss's acceptance and still mantain my personal style-but it will take you time. So, till then, if happens again to be noticed the same kind, you can always answer honestly "these are the clothes I have". Congrats on your new job!

rute

Veteran

My advice is that you shouldn't take what others say too seriously. Sometimes people what to give a compliment and say something random and we tend to overthink.

I came from an auditing company (only navy or black suits accepted) and when I started to work on my current job (much more casual) everyone made comments on my suits. I have more freedom now but I never dressed super casual as everyone else.
Try to find you mid-term, maybe jeans and jackets, if you want, but you don't need to.

gryffin

Veteran

Adelfa - from the sound of it "blazer" equals suit if the pants are dressy in your bosses eyes. I know how uncomfortable it is not to feel like you fit in, but how uncomfortable would it be to wear things that were not you? My BFF is a high up in a closely related field and she always looks professional and very well put together but there is a seriously bohemian flowy essense to her style. Coldwater Creek is one of her favorite places to shop. Would you consider adding in some sweater blazers to your collection or even a soft ponte blazers? Plus don't even think strict blazers - ponte motos? probably even leather would work. They would be warm, more formal than a cardi but probably more in keeping with the "dress code" Under your blazers instead of silk can you do pretty sweaters/knits/ruching/texture something that softens to the eye? Then as Cocolion and Rae suggested wear your blazers over dresses. Can you wear or do you like broaches & scarves? Something to soften things up? Jeans or course and what about pants in ponte, even the sweatshirt pants Rae was wearing yesterday with a jacket or I bet they'd got nuts for a harem type pants. I will strongly say, you need to be comfortable. There has to be a happy middle with you feeling yourself and boss feeling nonthreatened. Are there meeting etc where more women in different types are dress will be for you to scope out other ideas? Also have you following Shannon's posts lately - she's really looked great but with an art edge to her style. Would that kind of look work for your field?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Such an interesting problem and answers. Not unrelated to Angie's blog post today. Maybe she will do one to address this particular concern! I hope so!

I think the first question is do YOU feel comfortable with what you have been wearing and how you have presented? If so, then don't rush out to buy anything...just maybe observe, continue to talk with her -- maybe even ask her how she experiences your style (if you feel comfortable enough with her to do that.)

You have a gift for asking genuinely curious questions -- questions that are REAL questions, that truly solicit others' views and make others feel free to explore their thoughts. You do it on the forum all the time. There's something nonjudgemental about the way you ask. I don't know quite how to put it. But what I'm trying to say is that if you can bring that same spirit to an in-person conversation (maybe with others who aren't superiors first?) it might be interesting.

In the meantime, my approach would probably be similar to Denise's. I wouldn't go out and buy anything new yet (assuming you love what you own). I'd just "mix it up" a bit more with my casual pieces. If you tend to wear your jacket in the office because it's cold, you could also say that -- "I run cold so I just leave my jacket on." That might actually reassure her a bit.

As the weather warms up, your wardrobe includes more colour, right? Because colour might also reassure her. It comes across as less authoritative than neutrals and more "fun." So even in the same tailored cuts it can look less formal.

But ultimately, from what you say, this might come down to different aesthetic preferences and she may not understand or like your preferences. That is, maybe jackets just automatically translate to her as "stuffy" or "uptight" or "masculine" or whatever. But perhaps if she hears that this isn't the way you view them, it might joggle her mind a little bit. I know my mind has sometimes been opened or shifted a bit by learning how others view their own outfits.

Oh - another thought - if it "somehow" can come out in conversation that this is how people dressed in your former workplace/ region, that might also help to reassure her. People do understand regional differences when they stop to think about them -- but they sometimes forget to do that!

Liz

Veteran

I'd suggest paying strong attention to the cultural differences between east and west coast. Not clothing, just culture in general. Maybe even start some conversations with coworkers asking how they see the differences. It could be that your clothes are reading as corporate and conservative, and you're now among people who don't value those traits.

Anonymous

I experienced the exact same thing when I started my job 5 years ago. I essentially switched to more casual outfits such as dark jeans or Express Editors with blazers, etc. Never matching pants and jacket that would scream "suit," and never a dress. I always wear 3 pieces to keep things professional, with quality accessories. Nothing too casual; just casual enough to fit in. My supervisors almost always dress too casually IMO, so there's no way I'd ever show up to work in outfits like they wear, but at least now I fit in better and don't feel out of place. Hope this helps!

Classically Casual

Veteran

Does your performance success include interaction with other staff members or the 50 people that receive the services? If so, I would give some thought to how you're perceived by them. In other words, try to figure out what to wear that best helps them relate to you. Sometimes that means respect & authority, sometimes trust, sometimes approachability, etc. (Of course staying warm enough is a given.)

I wouldn't worry too much about your boss's comments as she isn't really paying much attention .

And it sounds to me like they're very lucky to have you. Good luck!

ironkurtin

Veteran

If you are comfortable in what you wear, then make it part of your personality. When I worked in comics, most of the boys dressed like high school kids (even though many of them were not, and really should have known better). But there was one dapper fellow who always wore a button-down and a bow tie. And it was just Jack, and that was OK. Upstairs there was an editor who was a serious, humorless goth and when she came in looking like a Victorian porcelain doll, well, that was Shelly.

In other words, I think I would not worry too much about your boss and what she thinks about your clothing. Women fret too much about being "threatening" in my opinion. If she's threatened by your clothes, that's her insecurity issue, not yours. (Mind, if she thought you were too casual, that's a different story, of course!) Wear what you want. She is. Your coworker is. If you want to drift more casual, then do it on your terms.

Also, replacing an entire wardrobe is expensive. If you're really feeling the need to address a problem you think your boss is having, the next time she comments, a simple, humorous "Oh, my whole closet is like this! I love these clothes!" makes it clear its a style preference and not a stab at your boss's outfits.

Adelfa

Veteran

Ladies, thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful and insightful answers! Thank you for taking the time!

Greyscale, we cross posted--I wasn't ignoring you when I answered Denise! That's a good point about how she might not distinguish blazer + slacks from a suit.

Desmo, when the directors and asst directors (which is what I am) get together, over half of them are in suits. But not my boss. Hmmm.

Thanks, Rae--that was the impression I got yesterday, that she's uncomfortable. And I definitely don't want that! Great ideas for toning it down.

lyn67, I will wear my denim jacket today! Over black slacks and a b&w polka dot silk shirt. I like the idea of the challenge you suggested.

rute, I agree, I don't think I'd feel comfortable dressing super casually every day! I think a mid point sounds good to me. There's a guy who wears a suit or blazer every day (he looks great) and people talk about him constantly. He just says "I'm comfortable this way." But I think I'd rather blend in just a bit!

gryffin, these are great ideas. I love sweater blazers and ponte! Maybe I should replace my black moto.

Suz, thank you for the kind words--they mean a lot to me. Maybe I can ask her. I know in the case of the suit-wearing guy mentioned in my comment to rute, she once said she wishes people would dress more like him.

Liz, that's an excellent point. I think here, even though people dress casually, they tend to be extremely pulled together. As a visiting friend once said, "Nobody here looks like they just rolled out of bed and put something on." So it's not that they don't value looking nice. You may be right that I'm dressing in a way that represents things they don't value.

Great suggestions, Ruth! You're right that I want to fit in and also represent my position and Agency well. For example if a family is in crisis and I get called in, I want to look trustworthy.

CC, that is a good idea to think about who I interact with and what I need to convey.

Again, everyone, thank you so much. I really treasure how much thought you put into your answers.

Adelfa

Veteran

Dana, good points! That's what I was hoping I was doing--just dressing like myself! I don't think I thought my boss was threatened--that came up in the comments--just maybe uncomfortable as Rae said.

Glory

Veteran

I like the idea of being true to yourself and what makes you comfortable at work. Like others I would try using some of your current items and mixing them with jeans etc.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

That is very interesting -- she said she would like people to dress more like the suit-wearing fellow. Hmmm.

Maybe she is actually in AWE of your style and would like to copy it!!

Maybe you can slip in a word about YLF. Maybe you can say, you've been experimenting with your style in the past year.

Who knows where this might lead....bwa ha ha....YLF takes over the world!

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I don't think tht the comment itself was necessarily anything more than a comment, not a criticism. But given how you describe your workplace, it might be worth experimenting with some less corporate looks and seeing if it helps you fit in a little better with your coworkers. Nothing that feels inauthentic to you, just maybe something a little less buttoned up in vibe.

unfrumped

Veteran

Great advice above. Don't panic. Try mixing in casual + structured, more casual or quirky accessories, if you have them. More casual fabrics and colors in the same styles or more casual styles (e.g. the cardigans, knit blazers or safari jacket/moto) in any color including neutrals.
This is a great opportunity for taking a hour to SYC and mix up things you might not have been able to do in your prior job, but see what you come up with.

Diana

Veteran

I like Dana's take on it, and I definitely do something similar at my work. You know I work in an academic lab, where fashion is definitely not a thing at all, plus most people dress quite casually. I realized at some point that I was never going to fit in, dress-wise, so I might as well just dress how I want to dress. Sure, when I started in a new lab, I definitely got some looks and comments, but now, nobody even bats an eyelash. I'm sure in some people's heads, I'm that girl with the crazy pants, but whatever. I think if you make it part of your persona people get used to it.

So I guess the question is: would you be more uncomfortable wearing clothes that don't feel like you, but that match everyone else, or wearing your current style and sticking out?

ETA: Or you could take this as license to play around with your closet a bit, now that you are not constrained by corporate dress codes. So, still wear the blazer, but mix it up a bit with fun bottoms, or something like that. But only if that's what you want to do. You certainly don't have to.