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My Heart is Heavy Today

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

I've sent away my firstborn daughter to college today. Her bedroom is now very empty. She will be living 550 kilometers away from me now, for most of the year, for six years.

I know this is not a sad day, though. She is a privileged and talented girl, starting med school, and I am more proud of her than words can express. She is also a warm, caring and wonderful person, and I will be missing her terribly. But most of all, I'm very grateful for have being blessed with having her with me for 19 years, and that her future seems very bright and safe. She is close to us - her sisters, father and me, and will always be.

Still, my tears are not far away today. I will get used to this, but today I allow myself to mourn that a wonderful phase in my life is over.

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35 replies

Latest reply was from anne

Mochi

Veteran

Oh, huge hugs to you, lgunn. I know exactly how that feels. It's such a sharp mixture of pride and loss.

Betti

Oh yes, I know that feeling. My oldest will start his 5th year in a few weeks. I cried so much that first year! Both Moms and kids grow up a lot when they go off to school, it is bittersweet, for sure. You are in good company!

Glory

Veteran

Reading this I feel the bittersweet of your daughter leaving to start a hard earned and wonderful adventure. So I feel a bit teary reading this as my eldest is not far behind! xo hugs

Eliza

Veteran

So well put, Ingunn. The mourning is for the phase of life winding down, the celebration is of the young woman your daughter has become. Bittersweet and nostalgic time for parents all the way around.

Thank goodness these transitions are rarely all or nothing. Many aspects of that life will remain accessible for each of you, even though the context is shifting. Hugs and courage to you, as well as congratulations on traveling this far. Best to your daughter as well.

ramya

Veteran

You are an awesome mommy Ingunn. I can say from the other side she is missing you too. But I guess it's the circle of life. Be assured we are here for you whenever you feel a need for hug xoxoxo

ETA: your post made me miss my mom too:(

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, my friends. I knew you would understand.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This brought tears to my eyes, Ingunn. I can just imagine what you are feeling! What a tough yet proud moment for you. And how empty her room will feel for a while!

How much will she be able to come home? Will you be able to visit her?

Anonymous

Oh, Ingunn, so bittersweet indeed. She knows you will always be there for her as she blossoms into her new life. In the mean time she is spreading her wings. Now you just need lots of excuses to go and visit her for clothes shopping trips! (( hugs)) to you.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Suz, fortunately it's not at all that bad. She will probably be home for a weekend in early November, and then for Christmas. We will be visiting her for a few days in early October. Her holiday break in Dec/Jan will be quite substantial, so then we'll have time to be together with no rush. I might take a spontaneous weekend trip to see her alone in addition to the already planned ones, time will show how everything works out. Thank you for understanding!

Diane, this is so true! Thank you for understanding. She will know I'm there, and I can of course go and visit her. She is only a few hours away. Her new town is quite nice to go shopping in, too

Gaylene

Veteran

Oh, Ingunn, this post stirred up my memories of leaving our son at his university. His university was 1000 km away, so we drove him out there, helped him settle in over the weekend, and then left him standing in front of his dorm when it was time for us to drive home. Neither my husband nor I could speak, or even look at each other, for the first few hours of the drive home. I kept thinking I'd left something very important behind, and we ought to turn the car around immediately to go back and make things right.

The first few months were hard, especially when I walked by his emptied room. It was also very hard, but very important, to not give in to my feelings when we talked on the phone because my son was also going through his own emotions about being totally on his own for the first time. It seemed important to keep telling him I felt confident he was capable of handling whatever challenges he was facing.

The turning point came around Christmas time after his first visit home. He was getting ready to fly back with all of us feeling a bit sad at his impending departure. I'll always remember his turning to me and saying "You know, it feels right to be going back now; thanks for helping me get here." His words made me realize probably one of the most important jobs we have as parents is to recognize when our children are ready to live their own lives and to help them feel strong and confident that they can handle whatever life throws at them on their own, even if we are quivering inside.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Whoa! Six years of medical school!!! I could barely pull myself through four! I think in the Euro system you go to med school right away, right? Instead of doing an undergrad first?

I remember the first time I lived away from home - I think that the holidays are a time to look forward to, for the both of you. My friends always got "care packages" (home baking, favorite snacks, a new hoodie, some jammies, money) from home, and I think it helped them a lot too.

I wouldn't worry too much about her - med school has a way of bonding people through the challenges it presents, so I'm sure she'll have a ton of great friends soon!

My parents got used to me not being at home really fast! In the first week after I moved out they were all like, we will keep your room exactly the same as it is, etc. In 2 weeks, they realized they had a wonderful extra room, booted out my stuff and it became my mom's study! HAHAA.

Congrats to her! If she has any questions about med or wants to talk to someone who isn't her close friends, she can shoot me a message

ManidipaM

Veteran

Aww. Big hugs, Ingunn. It's one of those watershed moments of letting go in the parenting journey, isn't it --- first day of school, first sleepover, first holiday away from home/family? But in many ways this one is more irreversible I guess.

Kyle

Veteran

Their childhood passes in the blink of an eye, doesn't it? We spend years preparing them to become independent, contributing members of society, but this very physical and mental letting go is not easy. I read a quote one time about how being a mother is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. I think that feeling evolves over time, but I'm not sure how much it ever fundamentally changes.

Isis

Veteran

Ahhhh.....my son had his first year of college this past year. We also missed him. Visiting for a weekend in October really helped; it was great to see him settled in his new home!

deb

Veteran

I remember that feeling when my first born moved out. I cried for days. It is a tough one and hope time eases the heavy heart.

ClaraT

Veteran

My oldest son leaves next Wednesday for his first year at college. He will be two plane rides and a 1-h car ride away from me...I, too, have a heavy heart mixed with great excitement for him. It's a natural next step, but his empty room will sadden me.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Gaylene, you are so right. Thank you for sharing your story. I have tried to hide my heavy heart from her, trying to avoid building a sense of guilt. After all, she's doing the right thing! I will continue to do so for the weeks and months to come.

Lyn, you are right. They start directly in med school, but the first two years are mostly core subjects like biology, chemistry and so on. After the six years, they enter an internship for 18 months, and then they are qualified as doctors. "Care packages" are great fun both to give and receive, and an excellent idea. Thanks! I'm not really worried about her. Her head is in the right place, and she's quite the social one

Yes Mani, a wathershed it is indeed

Kyle, there is a lot of truth in that. Becoming a mother is the experience that changed my life the most, and there is no way back - not that I ever wanted to!

Isis, you have no idea how glad I am to hear that!

Deb, you know how this is. Thank you for understanding. It will get easier in a while.

Clara, that makes two of us. It's comforting to me to know that they are only doing what's best for them. I hope it helps you to think of that, too.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I can only imagine how tough it is to experience the first fledgling leave the nest, Ingunn. (((HUGS))). At least there are more little ducks, a cat and hubby still at home. Hang in there. The absence will also make the time you DO have together more special. xo

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, Angie! Your words are so true. I have more ducklings for a few more years, and the cat and hubby never leaves if I can help it I'm definitely hanging in there, already looking eagerly forward to the first week of October!

Deborah

Veteran

Ingunn, I read this post last night and and I truly felt your joy and pride in your daughter, but also you sadness at her leaving home. My son is only 10 and we joke that if/when he moves away to go to university, we will go with him lol.
I can only imagine how you are feeling. But do take comfort in the fact that you have obviously raised a lovely young woman in a way that has her ready and prepared for this next step in life. Thinking of you.

Anonymous

As someone who has taught thousands of first year students over the past 10 years, and interacted with many parents in that time, it is the best and strongest parents in my opinion that let their children go, let them figure things out, and of course let them know there is always a refuge for them at home.

Too often, I see parents that will not give their kids up, they call 5-6 times a day, or call me to check up on their kids, or worse yet, argue about marks their child received!

I hope your daughter has a fantastic first year.

DonnaF

Veteran

Oh, Ceit, so sorry you have to deal with helicopter parents! How aggravating.

These days, what with Skype and cell phones, including texting, it is so much easier to keep in touch with our kiddos leaving the nest. I guess it can be a blessing and a curse. . .

DD informed us that this is the last summer she will come home, and that she plans to get credentialed and work in the Chicago area. (We live in the SF Bay Area.) I am sad, but I encouraged her to go out to school out there to spread her wings. We are close and get along, but as an older parent I feel it is imperative that she be independent. Sigh. But she still calls me *Mommy* when she needs a hug or is freaking out because a skunk crossed her path as she was walking home from the library late at night. (Like I can do something halfway across the country?)

What an adventure for your daughter, Ingunn. And a big adjustment for her younger sisters because for them, she has always been there.

Echo

Veteran

Her going to med school and being ready and prepared to live semi-independently is a credit to you as a parent. Still, though, the absence of someone so close to you is difficult.

My eldest is only 13, but it is still difficult learning to let go in the small ways that middle school and high school demand. I can feel tears in the corners of my eyes thinking of when he will go away to school. Best wishes to you and your daughter. I wish you much happiness and pride in her accomplishments and I wish her much success in school an her future endeavors.

Gaylene

Veteran

It was my experience teaching first year students that really drove home how I wanted to handle my son's first year away from home. Like Ceit, I was dumbfounded at calls from parents wanting information about their sons and daughters--even to the point where one father asked me to tell him if his daughter had a boyfriend now that she was away from home. He became quite upset when I told him to talk to his daughter, not me. I really think he thought I'd be willing to send him regular updates on his daughter's extracurricular activities along with her marks!

Lyn D.

Veteran

Sending you warm thoughts Ingunn!
We are going to a University Open Day for my eldest in a couple of weeks time, and I can't believe it either.
At least she has the choice of a few places only a short drive away from here, and she plans to stay at home for a while yet.
Still it is the idea that they are 'out there ' on their own and young adults that pulls on the heart-strings.

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Hugs Ingunn! My 10 year old son is preparing for his first school camp for four days and I feel a little terrified at the thought! You're a brave mom! xxx

rachylou

Veteran

It's a hard adjustment, no doubt about it. It's physiologically disorienting even. I got a dog in the end... mm, and now DD is back home living with me... so dog and DD. Full house. Lol.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

How proud you must be - and strong too, keeping a happy front forward to her. She is lucky to have such a wonderful mother. Congratulations to you and warmest wishes for you.

nancylee

Veteran

Oh, Ingunn. I know firsthand how wrenching that good-bye is...and the empty bedroom. *sniff*

Our son is leaving soon for his final year away at school, and I have to say that it does get easier with each year. Slowly, slowly you all adjust to a new lifestyle, but it is so very hard to close that chapter of childhood when they go away for the first time. You will be ok in time, and so will she. Knowing she's doing well and thriving will make everything easier.

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