My daughter's perfume makes me feel sick - YouLookFab Forum

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My daughter's perfume makes me feel sick

Ingunn

(website)

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Dear fabbers, I'm writing this mainly to get it off my chest. I don't know how to solve it. The problem is that my youngest daughter, 14, uses a perfume that is really repulsive to me. It has become so bad that I feel reluctant to hug her, and in the morning I avoid being in the same room as her - sometimes I even need to air the room when she has left. I know, this sounds weird. It's only perfume, right? It is even a quality perfume (Dior, I'm not sure which).

I am very sensitive to smells, and have always been. I am also sensitive to several allergens that are typically found in red wine and chocolate. Normally I don't mind perfume on other people as long as it is subtle. I've tried to talk to her about it, and she knows how I feel, to some extent. Of course, I don't want to hurt her feelings.

What would you do if you were me? It is not an option to tell her not to wear it, since know she likes it very much. If she stops, she must come to that conclusion by herself. I need to solve this, because it is hurting my relationship with her.

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23 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

goldenpig

(website)

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What did she say when you talked to her? Can you explain how sick you feel because of the smell? Maybe you can ask her to use less of it or apply it after she's outside of the house? I'm very smell sensitive too and hate strong perfumes and odors, so I sympathize!

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

She said she understood, but I fear that she mainly heard that I didn't LIKE the perfume, and she hasn't changed her habits. I suppose I wasn't clear enough. She is a kind girl and we have a good relationship, but after all, she is a teenager.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I know how hard that is. My husband asked his mom to lay off the perfume when they will be spending time together because he is very sensitive to smells (I never use perfume or cologne), and she was using something quite strong. I am also pretty sensitive to this too. I have to hold my breath when I walk through the mall near A&F or get on an elevator with someone who douses themselves in scent.

My husband had to remind his mom a few times that he has trouble with these perfume smells before she actually would remember. I know he felt bad to have to talk to her about it, but it was getting in the way of him wanting to spend time with her.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Phew, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I was starting to feel like I'm weird or something. It is terrible to react this way, though, because I realize more and more the negative effect it has on my desire to be around her. I definitely need to talk to her again.

Glory

Veteran

Oh I can very much relate and am sort of thrilled to know I am not alone in this. My son's girlfriend uses a perfume that makes my ill, hard to breath etc. She is over quite often and it is also a quality perfume. Then she gifted my son the male counterpart of this perfume which as as teen he uses in vast amounts.
It got so bad I could not even be in the room with him.
Eventually I had to explain to him that it wasn't a matter of like but health and that I felt quite ill. He continued to use it, as did the g/f. I had to speak to him about 5 times - like serious sit down and explain to him how unwell I felt. He has now stopped and she has lightened up on the quantity.
I would recommend that you speak to her again and try and explain that it isn't that you don't like her choices but there is an ingredient in this perfume that you are struggling with.
Hope it works out.

Isabel

Veteran

Oh Ingunn, I know how you feel. I am very sensitive to perfumes and certain flowers. In some cases it has triggered my asthma. People, in general, become very defensive, I have found. They seem to hear "I don't like" even when you don't say it. It is almost as if it is a choice rather than a biological reaction. I agree that you should approach it from a "sick" angle instead of a "like" angle. I think that if it is making you sick, you do have the right to ask her not to wear it around you. I equate it to cigarette smoke. Good Luck !!!

Anonymous

I give myself headaches when I try to wear perfume and can feel nauseated by other's people's scents, as well. I totally get it! I would approach this topic again with your daughter from the health angle and perhaps suggest shopping for a new scent that she likes AND that doesn't make you want to keel over.

Irene

Veteran

I think asking her to please change perfume is a good option -even if you didn't want to hear that.

As much as she likes it, she loves you so much more! I would quit using my favourite perfume if it bothered my mom that much. Gosh, I'm actually thinking about not buying a perfume I really like (Dior too) just because my mom doesn't really like it.

I'm sure she'll understand!

missvee

Veteran

Sensitivity to perfumes is very common these days so much so that two of the groups I belong to have adopted scent - free policies. One of my friends is so sensitive that perfume on others brings on migraines for her.
Have you noticed this problem with other perfumes or is it just this one? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to switch scents. Offering to buy her a new one might be all the incentive she needs and asking her to apply it after she leaves the house is a good idea too.

DonnaF

Veteran

I sympathize; I am sensitive to smells, too. The first three rows of pews in my church are designated scent-free to help those with sensitivities. It could be that an ingredient in this perfume is triggering some type of physical reaction in you, and you DEFINITELY do not want to develop an overall environmental sensitivity. When I met a gal years ago, she led a normal life. Then she developed environmental sensitivity and had to carry around a gas mask. Sitting in the front pew was not sufficient for her because she could feel gas seeping out of gas pipes that had been sealed years ago. She had to live in special housing with special clothing and the flickering of fluorescent lighting would give her seizures.

I would treat this as a health issue. Maybe the two of you can find another perfume that doesn't give you a reaction, and she can save the current one for when she goes off to university. Also, she is using too much if the scent lingers after she has left the room! But that's young teens for you, lol.

Sylvie

Veteran

I have a completely different perspective on this because, well, I was raised in a very different culture. If I'd found a perfume I liked when I was 14 that made my mom feel sick, I would no longer have been allowed to have that perfume in the house. At the age of 14, yes, I had some say in my day to day life, but I was still considered a child and my mom still had the right to "tell" me what to do because I was living under her roof and she was responsible for me. At 18, I went to college, at which point if I had wanted to wear offensive perfume, I could choose to do so when I was away from home.

If Child A had a dog they loved very much that bit Child B, then you wouldn't let Child A keep the dog. I see this perfume as the same situation. I know you would be sensitive to her feelings but I don't think a family member who lives with you has the right to make a choice that adversely affects another family members' health.

"Daughter, the scent of this perfume makes me feel sick and so you won't be able to wear it anymore. You can keep this bottle aside until you move out of the house and meanwhile, we will find a different perfume for you to wear that doesn't make me feel sick"

Anyway, I have no children, so please take this advice FWIW. I am speaking from the perspective of the child in the child-parent relationship.

jennifer

Veteran

I love perfumes .But I do try to wear responsibly.By this I mean only a faint drydown that another would literally be snuffing skin directly (invasion of personal space) to smell ,at the very most when in a non-perfume situation (church choir).If a co-worker has an allergy/sensitivity to a scent I won't wear it around work if we are on schedule together.
Some scents made by large companies (Dior ,D&G ,Versace,etc have changed the formula on some scents and kept the old name) and are not nescessarily much better than much cheaper brands.
You may want to look into artisianal brands, oils,and niche brands that focus on higher quality ingredients and less on marketing campaigns.
Also something that may help is to avoid products for the household that are scented (toilet paper,soaps,cleaners,laundry soap,fabric softeners ) as sometimes we can take only a certain amount of allergen around us (could be reduceing household scents could help your physical tolerance).
Your daughter may need instruction on proper amount for application .If she's treating a Eau de Parfum as if it were a Bath &BodyWorks body mist (hose down all over) then she's WAY off on application (unless she had scent eating skin which is not the case here) .
I would say she may be used to the scent and be over applying unintentionally .She should take a day off for a nose reset and try a spray to the stomach/chest area to waft up to her nose or try lower down around the ankle or behind the knees.Application around the neck ,back ,hair(great diffuser of scent BTW)and wrists/ arms tend to project more sillage (scent trail/cloud). Halle Berry applies (according to an interview) to her thighs so it stays in her own space and doesn't transfer /rub off on other people as she hugs they would get a wiff but not wear it themselves.

It may be a good idea to have more than one scent for her so she doesn't get( "nose-blind" )anosmic to just one.
Fragrantica and Basenotes are good websites for seeing what the scent she's wearing has for notes and maybe you can see if there's a certain note that bothers you. I'm Bookwyrmsmith on both sites .If you are in the US I could send you some samples of things in my wardrobe( I have a few hundred) and recomend scents to try.

Diana

Veteran

Oh, Ingunn, I totally sympathize. I have much the same reaction to certain perfumes, and I am just far too sensitive to scents in general. I even once had to leave a store because some girl walked in wearing far too much of a particular scent that makes me feel sick (it is one that is really popular among young women of college-age, and since I live in a college town I smell it a lot unfortunately) .

I think if it were me (keeping in mind that I don't have any children) I'd try to reach a compromise with her by asking her to apply it after she has left the house in the morning. I'm hoping that by the end of the day it will have worn off enough to be OK.

Or maybe you could offer to buy her some new perfume, one that the two of you could shop for together?

Gaylene

Veteran

I love wearing perfume, but I'd never wear a scent that made someone close to me feel ill. I'm also quite careful about wearing scent when I'm in a public place since I know that many people are quite sensitive to even small quantities or certain ingredients. You have every right to ask her not to wear that scent if there is a compound in that particular fragrance that physically affects you. I think it's also important to get her to understand that, lovely as a fragrance may smell to her, it's still important to respect others' feelings.

Younger women (and young men) are often attracted to fragrances which have quite a bit of sillage; to me, these fragrances are not appropriate for daily wear in public places. It sounds like your daughter needs a bit of help in learning in how to enjoy wearing fragrance without offending others.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I understand your quandary, because teenager are tough. However, I think as a parent you are not just allowed, but entitled to tell your children that they cannot do something - especially if it is in your house!

When your daughter was small, you taught her not to hit other people or take their toys, to say please and thank you, and generally how to be considerate and get along with others. This is another one of those situations. It may be specific to you, but you are especially important! You're her mother!

I wouldn't wait for her to realize the subtleties of the situation, because she may not. Teenagers can be obliviously self-involved. Ban the perfume and buy her one you'll both be happy to have in the air!

Thistle

Veteran

I am also super sensitive to smells. S sensitive that it can make my eyes swell as well as trigger a full blown allergy attack. I cannot wear almost anything with perfumes in it, including make-up products or lotions. We buy dye free scent free lotions, laundry detergent, the works.

i hate department stores with fragrance counters and have actually started to avoid them altogether because just walking through there can give me a headache.

i don't have a teenager, so I can't offer you good advice on that front. However, DH has stopped wearing all cologne and BC aged his aftershave because of my sensitivities. He had to, or I couldn't be near him. Sounds the same for your daughter.

i think the idea of saying the perfume is out because you are sensitive to it is fine, and going out together to pick a new scent might be fun.

catgirl

Veteran

Oh my gosh! I am super-sensitive to certain smells - scented candles make me absolutely nauseated, especially the vanilla, cinnamon and apple ones. And most perfumes give me a massive headache. The only one I can wear is Light Blue, and one of my friends sprayed it on herself and actually threw up from whatever it turned into on her.

All this to say you must gently let her know that it's not about liking the perfume at all. There must be something in her life that she can't stand even if it's not about the item itself - a phobia, a distaste, a fear? Those are similar in my mind - when you are afraid of a dog, or allergic to it, it has nothing to do with like or dislike.

Hugs to you, Mom!

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you for all good advice and your obvious warmth. You are very much appreciated, all of you, for chiming in on this. I now realize that I need to be a lot more direct with her. the idea of finding another perfume is worth a try, and I will (again) guide her in how to apply it, and how much. Her old perfume must be expelled from our house

I am sensitive to certain wines, chocolate and coffee, and I can't handle perfumed candles and incense very well. I do have a migraine from time to time, so I guess this is related. I'll make an effort to get this sorted as soon as possible.

Jennifer, your advice on what to look for is very helpful. Thanks! I live in Norway.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I don't know if this will work, but is there a possibility that the lotion version (if available) of her favourite fragrance might be a lot less irritating?

Other than this, I would *not* want to be wearing a cologne/perfume that made someone feel ill. Hopefully she'll understand that it's not that you don't "like" her taste in perfume, but that you're suffering allergy-like symptoms from it.

Hope you feel better soon, and can find a way to ask her discontinue the use of the fragrance at home for the time being. Hmmm...awkward one isn't it?

As a teen, lots of times my Mom would dislike something I wanted to wear (clothing), and this sometimes resulted in clashes. I think though, that if it was a case of making her feel ill, I would understand a LOT more than if it was just, "Oh Mom..." and feeling like she was getting on my case.

Mom wasn't crazy about black eyeliner, spiky hair etc., but this one is a little different - you're not picking on her about her style/clothes/makeup or anything, it's that the scent itself is literally making you feel sick. That's a whole different story than the usual Mom/teen daughter clashes that can sometimes come up re: clothes etc.

Good luck finessing this one.

T-Rex

Veteran

I'm a perfume lover, too. But just like the volume of the TV, radio, or whatever can make me feel awful, I'm aware that certain smells can make other folks feel awful. And if the thing making you feel awful is in your own home, it's hard to get away from it. If there is something that really bothers your daughter to the point of making her feel ill or ruining her good mood, like a genre of music or a particular food or whatever, maybe you could explain to her that her perfume bothers you just as much as whatever it is bothers her.

Then, how about you and your daughter go perfume shopping together? Sephora would be a good place to start, because they will decant samples for you to take home, within reason. Usually their limit is 3 or 4, but they would probably do 3 or 4 for each of you. Nordstrom is probably a good bet, too.

Bring home your samples, and have your daughter try a different one every day. Show her how much to apply. Hopefully, you guys will find a new fragrance that she loves, that won't make *you* feel sick! It might even end up being fun for both of you, and a bonding experience. If you are really lucky, you may be able to isolate the note or chemical that is causing the trouble for you, which might make it easier to avoid in the future.

T-Rex

Veteran

I saw where you said you lived in Norway *after* I suggested Sephora or Nordstrom. Maybe there is something there like Sephora that will be as generous with their samples.

I saw that Jennifer suggested Basenotes and Fragrantica, which are great places to look up information on fragrances. I also like Now Smell This, which has advice on how to procure fragrance samples, among other things. http://www.nstperfume.com/2007.....otherwise/

Good luck!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Ingunn - hugs!! I hope your second talk with your daughter goes well.

I used to love scent as a much younger woman. But I cannot wear it any more because I have developed sensitivities myself. LIke you and others, I find that many scents make me feel ill. As you see, it's a very common problem.

I hope she will understand and recognize that you are not trying to thwart her self-expression, but simply setting a boundary to preserve your health.

rachylou

Veteran

I am really truly sickened by perfume. It's endocrine disrupting (as well as cancer causing), and I'm down for the count by two endocrine diseases. The higher-end perfumes use these kinds of chemicals the most, thus the Dior.

My almost cube mate her first day, I put my hand on her arm the first five minutes and told her, "This is terrible, but..." Made her promise to not wear it ever again, thanked her, and left the cube for the rest of the day.

My one boss, I went through his house and replaced all his soaps and put out his air fresheners and made him change shirts. Btw, his shirts had all the perfume because his cologne would give him a rash if he sprayed it on his skin directly.

But I'm not here to tell you what I do. I'm here to tell you what my mom does to me - and I have a free and clear house. She'll go on and on with "What is that awful perfume? Stop it! Smelly! Terrible!" and put everything outside and open all the windows and doors. Big drama and arm flapping.

Anyways, I think it's ok to be very direct because people don't pick up on this sort of thing without that kind of directness. Running from the room sneezing, eyes watering and swelling up - that even is not enough for people to make the connection. So, frankly, I would want you to change your policy about telling her to stop. Your mom is your mom. If she doesn't want it, you don't do it. And you learn in that way to be more adult and sensitive and responsible for others.

ETA: And ya ya... didn't read the whole thread through. I'm glad you decided to be direct, Ingunn. Please don't worry about any fussy responses. I respond with crankiness to my mom, but of course I care and she is right to wave her arms.