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My Biggest Challenge!

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I've been more scarce on the forum and will continue to be though I do post and look at your posts, taking time to comment just isn't something I can manage lately.

I am facing the biggest challenge in my homeschooling journey to fix the crazy damage that 6 yrears of schooling caused my youngest DS 16 (in a few weeks) and our biggest challenge is issues writing. His issues with writing were due to a few things..
.
1. His lack of phonetic awareness and spelling which was torture for this perfectionist who might not know how to spell something but darn well knew it wasn't right. (I fixed the phonetic awareness , year one of homeschooling and now he reads high school books no problem)

2. Damage done at school when it came to writing of two teachers sitting beside him badgering him , throwing ideas at him and when he told them they were making his head hurt, they told him he was rude.. Even sent me a note home about his rudeness! .In 5th grade they never got more than 4 sentences out of him... He would never take ideas from anyone , they always had to be his own. I loved that about him as he could have taken the easy way out but never would , not even to do sentences with spelling words for homework.

3. He's stubborn as can be and is resisting this!

I know full well that the lack of the writing will be the thing that holds him back in college and I will not send him out in the world without him reaching his full potential. He is very bright with wonderful ideas and we are struggling through this issue with small, but definite progress towards success. It's taking a lot of time and effort for me to research and choose assignmrnets, to gethim through an outfline porcess, to get the basic paragraph written , to teach him how to revise and edit it, etc...

I see that we are finally conquering this and am not letting up until he can do a full research paper..I have just a few years left to accomplish this. . Not going to be easy, but we will get there and it will take a lot of my energy and focus these last few years with him.

Just know my Dear Fabbers, that I'll be lurking and enjoying your posts, just not taking time for commenting as my time is so limited...

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21 replies

Latest reply was from TraceyLiz65

RoseandJoan

Veteran

You show great determination in helping your son. He obviously has a lot of strengths and just needs the additional time to focus on this difficulty.

The one size fits all nature of mainstream schooling is a challenge for many. I really do admire your proactive approach.

Eliza

Veteran

Getting our kids the right support for their challenges (whatever they may be), is something that every caring parent can relate to and it sure can be all consuming. Your son is lucky to have your support and tenacity. No matter what is going on, keeping our kids are aware of how much we value them as people and lending them our hope in their moments of doubt may be the most worthwhile thing we do.

Hang in there and try to take care of yourself, even as you stretch on your son's behalf.

rabbit

Veteran

Wishing you a lot of support. I was a peer-writing tutor in college, before training to become an English teacher, and it is difficult for college students when they are wrestling with basic paragraph and essay construction while also juggling college course demands, and it can be hard for them to admit and ask for help to catch up. Between different learning styles, dyslexia, and ESL there are a lot of very bright college students out there that need extra assistance channeling their ideas and insights into a written form.

It's not one size fits all, like you say, and sometimes peer tutoring can be helpful because of the different dynamic than with a professor, teacher or parent. For example, I couldn't learn to drive stick from my dad, it just made me nervous in spite of his best efforts and patience and the fact that we had a great relationship. But my boyfriend was able to teach me in a day, and I'm still not sure what the key difference was.

Sometimes it's about the process. I used to write in a stream of consciousness style and then edit it down to half - often by cutting out paragraphs and sentences with scissors and arranging them spread out on the floor (it was easier for me to see the big picture that way). Or I would use free-writing to prime the pump and find my main thesis and points, and then start writing the actual essay afterwards as a separate entity. It was easier for me to get something on the page when I let myself have permission to throw away the first draft entirely. (For myself the book Writing with Power, by Peter Elbow, was probably the most useful book I read about how to get through my mental blocks and resistance to writing, but there are lots of different approaches. It's one of those things where trying a lot of techniques until one clicks is helpful).

rachylou

Veteran

That's cool. You know, I worked for a tech writing company once (as opposed to contracting directly with clients) - the big boss, he was severely dyslexic. You wouldn't think this would be the man in charge of a tech writing company, but he really understood the ins and outs of communication and uptake due to that.

Also a story for you: my dd had trouble with reading and writing when she came to me, and didn't like it. I remember thinking we need to read together and she needed to see others doing it, like it was with my parents. Anyways, for some reason we picked the craziest book ever - Sir Thomas Malory's Morte D'Arthur. Old English, no punctuation, no spelling, f's for s's. We'd each read a page. Anyways - this is the thing - she was MUCH better at slogging through it than I was, picking out the right phrasing. She has a wonderful musical sense and of course all the Arthurian stuff is rooted in old ballads. She upped and finished the rest of that 1000 page book by herself. That just goes to show you, right?

Anonymous

Colleges nowadays recognize that students often did not get the proper instruction they needed to succeed in college so do not worry. Colleges perform placement tests and if necessary will place your son in a course that will help him fine tune his writing skills. My DD had a friend who had to take the extra course freshman year and it made all the difference in the world.

English was never one of DD's favorite subjects even though she still managed to get "A"s. She struggled with her writing and hated it, but turned out a very well written Senior Project and 12th grade research paper. She scored over 700 in both Critical Reading and Writing on her SAT's. I believe her problem with English in school was more about the poor instruction than her inability to grasp concepts. My DD is a visual learner whose spatial skills are off the charts and the schools knew about it since she was tested at age 6 for the gifted program. Yet they never taught her accordingly.

In college my DD worried when she had to take English and History courses (she was a Math major), and was happily amazed with the praise she always received from her professors when she had to write.

So while I am not going to tell you not to worry, (you will, just as I did), your son will be fine and will find the support he needs when he gets to college if he needs it. You are a great mom and your son is lucky to have your support. In the end he will succeed.

Anonymous

I agree about the peer tutoring. It sounds like an emotional situation that may benefit from having a neutral party on board to keep things on an even keel.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I appreciate the idea of peer tutoring and discussed it with him, but just as I thought, he'd prefer family help. My husband is quite the writer, oldest son is Getting a Master's degree in English and his other siblings are all great writers too. We are all in this together, so in just a two months I will have great back up from his siblings as they come home for Summer. It was a great discussion with DS, so appreciative of your thoughts, support and encouragement!

Anonymous

It's wonderful that your family is so close and supportive -- that can make all the difference. I'm glad you had a good talk with your son. Hang in there, it will get better.

Deborah

Veteran

Tracey you are a great mum and I will be supporting you from a far.

My son had a very challenging past two years at school and as Jules says one size does not fit all. Sounds like some of us learn this the hard way

I have no doubt that with your support and encouragement your son will do so well.

Summer

Veteran

Your son is lucky to have such a caring and proactive mother. I wish you both the very best of luck with this challenge, and I'm sure that, with plenty of determination, you will achieve success.

Gail

Veteran

My oldest son hated school and writing specifically. He was finally diagnosed with Non Verbal Learning Disability. He is by far the smartest of my three children.
Your son is very lucky that you are helping him at home in such a concrete productive manner.
I wish I knew then what I know now, I could have been so much more helpful to my son.

catseye

Veteran

Good luck Tracey. Writing is so important. So very few college students write well these days, being able to write will set him apart in a good way.

Rachy, that is the craziest thing I ever heard. What possessed you to choose that book? I bet no reading tutor would have been more effective because who would have thought to use that book?!

Barbara Diane

Veteran

It sounds like your son has made excellent progress with all your help, and also that your son is very independent and likes to be in control. I don't know if you have done this already but I would suggest discussing the long term goals and ask him if he has any suggestions, ideas, or preferences that you might not have considered that would help him reach those goals. I'd give him time to think about it.
Sometimes our kids have insights or ideas that surprise us.

Echo

Veteran

Congratulations with the strides your DS has made so far, and I am sure the two of you will be successful with this challenge, as well.

While I have no doubt that you will be homeschooling until your DS reaches college, I want to let you know that writing has become a focus of many schools. Basically, it became well known that many otherwise highly successful graduates were never taught the actual skills needed to write well. They were never taught the difference between writing a research paper and a piece of fiction, and they were never taught or encouraged to have opinions of their own, thus making writing an opinion piece next to impossible.

Because of these issues, many schools have now changed gears and have revamped their entire writing curriculum, from grade one on up. They are taught the basic skills much earlier on, and then expand on those skills every year following. Although I was a natural writer in school, even I can see the enormous difference the change in style and curriculum has made for students.

I cannot guarantee that all schools are adopting this approach, but our school definitely has (in addition to changing our approach to reading and phonics). Even though it is of no help to your DS currently, I thought you might be pleased to know that many other people noticed the same things about graduating students and have made the changes to address it directly. Hopefully, fewer students will be faced with the sort of unacceptable treatment and "teaching" your son received in school.

Adelfa

Veteran

Sending empathy. Though we didn't homeschool, one of my daughters needed significant support from home for a number of years to reach her educational goals (including with writing). She is super smart and today is an attorney known for her excellent writing.

Lucy

Veteran

Well done Tracey! What a great job you are doing. My son too has challenges with writing (and I am a Humanities based academic, so it is all very foreign to me!)
Remember too that he may never be as good at writing as his siblings, but he may shine at other things. My husband is an engineer, he has a really good job, but he still struggles with too much writing. It's not his strength, but he has always managed to overcome it by being really good at other things. I suspect my son will be the same - so it's all support for the reading and writing, but I'm not thinking he will be following me in my pursuits.
It may be that your son will overcome it all entirely, or it may be that he has other strengths. College (or University as is here in Australia) is actually great for students like this, because they can focus in on one area more than another.
Sending all the good thoughts to you and your family.

Isabel

Veteran

Tracey,

I also rarely comment anymore but felt that I had to address your post. I don’t know if you recall that I have a son on the autism spectrum. His gift is speech and writing. He is one point short of “genius” IQ on this. He is “average” in executive functioning : prioritizing, organizing, etc. He cannot explain how he gets his math answers, he just "does". My point is that he has some outrageous natural ability and some deficits. We all do. For some of us, they are just a bit more noticeable or extreme. This causes him great frustration. He has spent his entire academic career in public school. We have been unbelievably blessed with everyone who has worked with him and supported him. We have had angels sent to us through public school. We have worked very hard with the shools and his doctors to make sure that he got the support that he needed in the areas that were not strengths for him. Though the school can only do so much and we have also spent much time and money outside of school to dovetail with school. I also worked very hard with him providing extra science and math support in conjunction with the professionals. My son maintains an A+ average which includes honors courses. Being on the spectrum, having him in a social situation was paramount to his grades.

I am saying this because I think that schools do what they can - and often more. Teachers are social workers, psychiatrists, listeners, cooks, suppliers of pencils and crayons.... more often than they are teachers. So I think that it is a bit of a stretch ( and possibly unfair ) to say that six years of school damaged your son when there is so much that goes into education . And when that maybe a particulary stubborn weakness for him. They might not have been able to develop what he struggles with most. That doesn’t mean that he was damaged. That is a big and serious accusation. I volunteer a lot at the schools and I have tutored ( writing, research, math, science ) and some kids just have trouble writing ( or struggle with multiplication in 9th grade, still! ) . It is not their forté or maybe it wasn't their forté at the time. Brains don't develop at exactly the rate we expect them to. So my expectation of what they can do on paper must be adjusted. But they always have something that is a forté at that time. Always. Maybe, it is that he has more difficulty picking out what is important or relevant in order to write about it that the actual writing. With that said, MANY great writers are atrocious at spelling. One doesn't beget the other.

The good news is that this age is when kids have the most neurons and pathways in the brain. They are incredibly flexible and resilient. As one neurologist said to me, this is the time that the world is black and white for us but technicolor for them. That is great hope for your son.

He also has a long life ahead of him. College may not be right for him at 18…he may be ready by 19. Maybe he doesn't go to the college of his choice. Maybe he impresses the heck out of them with another ability that is not writing. Who knows. Molds are not good for children, IMO. As you have already seen: the schools trying to teach your son by standard methods, didn’t work. And as someone whose first language is not English ( I speak 3 others and read 2 more ) , I can tell you that English is a very hard language in that it is one of the LEAST phonetic languages in modernity.

I wish him luck, perseverance and dignity throughout this process.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Having walked the journey and seen that testing was what mattered and all that we went through I have the right to speak my truth. I am sorry if that offends anyone. I love that school and still send emails every year to the counselor to update her on our progress. I sent them a sponge and took years to heal him and now he's a sponge again. I know my child and am not expecting anything that he can not achieve. I have three adult children and am well aware of the brain ages and that magical 24 year range when it all comes together. My son just needs to see his success and he will flourish. The signs all point to this. I am parenting and teaching the child I have, no personal injury of Wishing he was any different. He's so fantastic! I greatly appreciate your story and experience and wish that was the approach you had chosen. I object to it being a stretch to call what happened to our son as damage by the school. As an entire family, extended family and even close friends witnessed this and the long journey back. How could it not cause damage when the assistant principal in our first meeting said they were behind the eight ball when it came to verbal learners? FOUR days into homeschooling my son declared " I don't have a Learning Disability,they have a Teaching Disability! " That's exactly what he experienced and being labeled as unspecified LD of course caused damage. I held my sobbing son more times than I can count in the first three years of homeschooling as he opened up more and more of just how bad things got at school. It all seemed especially senseless in his eyes when in one year we fixed it and he was on his way to reading books that match his intelligence and age! I value education and appreciate our schools for what my other children gained, but they messed up big time under the pressure of the current state of testing. I am so happy for everyone whose child is getting what they need and don't by any means bash schools but there is a lot of improvements that need to be made and might add that my son's school asked me to speak about my experience to the school board because they know there is a problem and parents will get more attention than they themselves could. Thanks again for sharing your sons experience.

Archer

Veteran

Urgent Motherectomy required. Poor darling.

Isabel

Veteran

Tracey, no where in my post did I say you have no right to your "truth". So I am confused as to why you feel you must defend that. My opinion was that it is a very big accusation ( and probably legally actionable) saying that the school system neurologically and developmentally "damaged" your son. However, "truth" is not subjective, opinion is. When we declare "truth", we close ourselves off to all other possibilities or paths. There is a very big difference between opinion and absolute truth.

But this I know , after tutoring many, many kids for over 3 decades and from 2nd grade through college ( including gang members for 2.5 years ) : giving any young person the idea that they are "damaged" kills their spirit and any glimmer of hope. That is all. As I said, I wish your son some semblance of dignity throughout this.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I don't need to debate this issue as you are making my use of the word "damage" much bigger than I myself did. It's obvious this is touching a nerve with you and not my problem.