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About: Adjusting My Outfit to Suit the Audience

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my audience and me

Adelfa

Veteran

Angie's post resonated with me today. Those of you who've read very many of my posts know that I've been on a long journey of learning to dress for my job, or in other words, adjusting my outfits to suit my colleagues.

Angie really got my attention when, after giving many examples of how she might adjust her outfit to suit her audience, she stressed that she is always *her*. She never wears something she's uncomfortable with, or feels false in, to suit her audience. Rather there is a range of looks that feel completely genuine and comfortable to her, and she chooses from among them outfits that help her connect with others.

I thought of the many adjustments I've made to my outfits when they didn't seem to be going over well (or perhaps when I wasn't going over well). I asked, have my outfits become less me as I've struggled to communicate sartorially more successfully? And I realized... no. They've become more me.

I entered the work force as a long time stay-at-home mom who had kids straight out of college. I wanted to be taken seriously. My ideas of how to dress had been formed by John Molloy columns that I'd read almost 20 years before. When I started realizing I needed to be able to convey more compassion, more humor, more flexibility in my first impressions to others, that was definitely not trying to be someone I wasn't. It was trying to show others who I actually was! By introducing more color and softness and whimsy, I was actually being me.

Most people probably don't need an audience to show them how to dress more like their own selves. I did, and I'm very grateful for their help!

Has your path to fashion self-expression been straightforward? Or have others helped you learn how to be yourself?

Dressing

23 replies

Latest reply was from CocoLion

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Good question. I think I always wanted to dress more creatively in my first corporate job. Then I got into entertainment and found, even as early as the 90s, I could dress creatively not like I did when I got out of school in the 80s. I remember the heavy hitters all wore Armani suits back then (90s). 80s was all about Dress for Success plus wearing sneakers into the office, then changing into pumps in my cubicle!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Jody, it's so great to hear that your audience has actually helped you rather than hindered you from finding your "true self" in your clothes. And it's a good reminder. If others give us a critical comment or a "look" we don't always have to interpret it as intended to damage or even to change us; sometimes people who comment or criticize are simply trying to articulate the idea that we don't seem comfortable in our skin or fully ourselves in certain outfits or items, rather than trying to say that we look ugly or inappropriate.

I think my path to self-expression has been circular! And also...a bit like sculpture, chipping away at that which is "not me."

I've come back to the clean-lined classics that I always wore. I always wore them feeling boring and bleah. Not "artistic" or "creative" looking enough.

I still get that sensation from time to time when I am with my artist friends. But less and less so. Because the boho, arty, and avant-garde or very rough-and-ready RATE looks they adopt just plain look awful on me, and don't express something true about me. And so...that is what it is.

I do think others have helped. When you consistently get compliments for a specific set of colours, a certain TYPE of outfit, and so on...that is usually a sign.

Isabel

Veteran

I just want today that I really enjoyed your post. It made me happy. It also made me think of the great TED talk by Dr. Amy Cuddy. : fake it until you BECOME it.

Adelfa

Veteran

Interesting that both Denise and Suz are talking about creativity in dressing as an issue in self-expression. Denise, you are very creative, but in such an elegant way! Maybe that's part of why I wish I dressed like you! Suz, I went through my hand-knit, Guatemalan-woven, billowy washed silk phase and reluctantly but very clearly concluded that that wasn't me. And I was confusing people. You are an artist and I can see why you'd want to look like one!

Isabel, what a totally sweet thing to say! Thank you!

rachylou

Veteran

That's deep, Adelfa/Jody. Angie also made me think when she talked about picking from one's collection of "me outfits" for different occasions. Do I have a "me outfit" for all occasions? (I'm not sure I do.)

But to answer the question - one of the things that led me to YLF was a quest to be more true in my advertising. I am always pretty *me* - and pretty intensely - but ironically my interest in fashion covered that up. I played with style a lot, liked to devise paint-by-number formulas for different styles, etc. Eventually, I realised I'd given quite a few people nasty shocks over the years... Like my lawyer who thought I was sweet and laid back... He was like, "Oh, I see your mother in you now..."

Aziraphale

Veteran

Adelfa, this is a really interesting question. I think I've always had quite a bit of freedom when it comes to how to dress. Except for when I was a housewife with young kids, I've always been in school -- either as a teacher or a student -- and in school environments you can pretty much wear anything. I haven't noticed a lot of "dressing for my audience" in a restrictive sort of way. I've always just worn what I felt like, although for teaching you do have a few constraints so you don't look unprofessional. I guess my audience influenced me in that I didn't want to look wildly over- or underdressed for whatever the situation.

So as far as style evolution, I haven't noticed outside influences affecting my -- for lack of a better term -- self-expression. What I have noticed is that I've gone through distinct style phases spontaneously. These phases seem to last five to eight years. Then I get tired of the theme and it gradually morphs into something else. But I've never felt as if my clothes weren't "me".

Am I answering the question? I'm not sure if this is what you mean. I think you and I have had very different style experiences.

celia

Veteran

Adelfa I am glad your experience has been so rewarding. I guess in part because you took the best of your interaction with others.
My path to self expression has been different. From the wisdom of my now almost 4 decades I shake my head in exasperation to my younger self. For a person as stubborn as I am in certain areas of my personal life I am such a pushover. Fashion was one of them.
I always adopted my way of dressing to my audience but would go way to far to a place that sometimes was not me at all.
The big change occurred when I had DD and changed countries. On one hand I had this huge responsibility of passing the message that you have to be true to yourself, and on the other hand I didn't have family or friends around to 'help' so I could really figure out who I wanted to be and who I wanted the other ones to see.
Right now I still adjust my outfits to my audience, but I don't feel like I loose myself. Dressing becomes a common ground in which to build relationships with others, is something that I don't have to worry anymore if I got it right or no.
Thank you for bringing this up.

April

Veteran

Adelfa, forgive me if you've heard me on this topic before. I found the whole "audience" thing quite a challenge at my (former) job, for a number of reasons. I worked in elementary schools where the men wore either khakis and shirt and tie or a khakis and polo shirt, and 90% of the women wore really unfortunate combinations like knit pants with holiday sweaters. I didn't want to be in an incredibly boring uniform like the men or in outfits that looked simultaneously juvenile and old-lady-ish, like many of the women.

Denim was forbidden, so the snappiest of trouser jeans were out. Open-toed shoes were forbidden (god knows why), so lots of cute shoes were no-nos.

I was the school psychologist, so a big part of my job was earning the trust of parents at important meetings about their children's futures. But I also had to be ready to help manage crisis situations like kids with emotional disturbance hurling chairs across a classroom. Shoes had to be highly practical for that reason.

I wanted to look professional, but my office was not air-conditioned, so the first and last six weeks of the school year could be unbearable and most "professional" clothing is hot. Also, many of the families I worked with came from parts of the world that place serious restrictions on women in terms of their activities and their dress, so I didn't want to affront anyone. At the same time, I was a highly educated, working American woman and didn't want to dress like someone I wasn't.

Then there was the occasional pushback from colleagues. Little things like someone asking where a piece of clothing had come from and then getting sarcastic if I mentioned a store that wasn't Gap or Old Navy. After a while, I would just say, "It was a gift."

So you can understand why I ended up on YLF, desperate for some guidance on how to dress for my audience(s).

Now I'm at home full time, and can dress to please myself. I went through a year of backsliding into gearish outfits because without a job to dress for, it felt frivolous to pay much attention to my wardrobe.

That part is over, and I can honestly say that I've never had as much with clothing as I'm having right now. It's way easier when your only audience is people who love you, like my son and husband, and people who like style, like the YLFers.

I've never written a post this long in my entire YLF career...

Lyn D.

Veteran

I love the way Angie's post about dressing for our audience has made us all think about our own authenticity in our daily style!
I do think that uniforms and work-related guidelines can be restrictive, but that we can still inject some of our own personal preferences into accessories and outerwear too.
I think you are right about heeding others' reactions to outfits we wear, but at the same time trying not to be too influenced by them, and sticking to our personal Fabulousness

rabbit

Veteran

April, I agree, teaching can be hard that way. I briefly taught high-school and actually skewed my clothing a little old-maid-ish because I was only a year or two older than some of my seniors at the time. The one day I wore jeans (which were permitted on teachers at my school), I got hit on a bit by students, even though it was a fairly conservative look overall Also I'm NOT a conservative person, so it just could be a bit of an awkward balancing act as much in my demeanor as my clothes. So I hear you with all the micro-adjustments.

I have a cousin who is an elementary school psychologist and fashion forward. I wonder how it works out for her? In general her style is playful but chic, and she looks young, but can also be very assertive and is very energetic, so I can kind of picture her steam-rolling any 'opposition' :), but I don't really know.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Interesting thread, Jody. I'm still not at peace with my "audience." I feel a little out of step in general in my environment -- I dress up more and wear more color than anyone I know in my very casual, subdued circles. I don't want to make others uncomfortable, or appear to be drawing attention to myself, but neither do I want to feel boxed in. I should add that this feeling goes further than fashion -- among my "singer" friends, I'm considered extremely down to earth, but outside of that circle, I'm considered dramatic. The real me is actually only moderately gregarious, but I'm very curious and interested in almost anything --- which can be a little overwhelming and intense for some people.

I think this is why I started using my SING acronym --- the imaginative"I" allows me to express myself, and the "Graceful" requires me to think of the gentle sort of restraint that engages others in a way that puts them at ease --- that invites them to join in and express themselves as well. This might be similar to your situation --- your decision to dress in an "approachable" way.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Rabbit, it's interesting what you say about how the students reacted when you wore jeans. In high school, getting hit on can be an occasional issue if you're a young teacher, I agree. But I wonder if they'd have done that if you'd worn jeans almost every day (like I did)?

After reading your post, I realized there's something I had forgotten. My very first year teaching, I was only 23, and looked 16. (Some other teachers tried to kick me out of the staff room once, thinking I was a student). I was hyper-aware of this, and shopped at Banana Republic to try to find some "grownup" clothes. It was a failure. When I didn't dress like "myself," I found I didn't act like myself either. I felt awkward inside and out. After six months, I decided that the students must recognize me by now, I can stop pretending to be an old maid, and I'm going back to wearing jeans (not with holes, though!).

Anyway, my point is, I did get hit on sometimes, but so did the young male teacher who dressed like a law student in a collared shirt and smart trousers. I think it has more to do with the age and approachability of the teacher. It didn't seem to matter if I wore jeans or office wear. As for students who hit on you, there are effective ways to deal with that verbally.

Even now, I still wear jeans a lot, but naturally dress in a more mature way because, well, I'm a more mature age. (As it happens, I have a couple of button-front shirts from Banana Republic that I feel perfectly comfortable in. Of course, I wear them with jeans and better shoes!).

cciele

Veteran

Well done, Jody! I've enjoyed seeing your outfits here (and in person!) and I think your style does reflect your own self.

I think my path to fashion self-expression has been rather wriggly. Whether in school, for work, or otherwise, I've gone through cycles of dressing eclectically and dressing as I thought a person in my perceived "tribe" (outdoorsy person, stay at home mom, etc) should dress. But it's only since the last few years in which I feel like I'm dressing in a way that expresses my own self -- not so much as others helping me, but in me feeling comfortable with who I am and not being worried about what others think I should be. That being said, I do dress for the occasion and definitely with context in mind.

gryffin

Veteran

Adelfa - this is really a thought provoking question. When I was in my teens & 20's, I looked really young, so I dressed very conservatively to appear older (the audience I dressed for was my parents and my peers). When I began working, I went to AT. I picked what I liked from the mothership and had outfits but not a wardrobe but I knew I looked professional and appropriate ( I dressed for my work environment and friends as audience). I found things at that time that began to resonate but I did not have style that was not borrowed from AT. When I got pregnant and became a mom, I went into a hormonally driven wardrobe revamp - I think I donated every last think I bought but for 3 yrs I had to clue how to dress for my new role ( I dressed to emulate the style of other moms). Since then, I think my journey is to figure out how to express myself through my wardrobe. But what I find is that my best audience is myself. I stopped looking to everyone outside and started to talk to the person inside. I knew who she was, I've always been very introspective and analytical but I was not sure how I wanted to express all those facets of "me." I think YLF, the forum, and Angie - I've had clarify how I want to project my "brand" It's not easy. I have absolutely no natural predilictation for style, I make a lot of mistakes, but I think I continue to crawl, trip, shamble in the direction I want to go. Really good question. I need to ponder this more!!

rabbit

Veteran

Ah Aziraphale, yes, handling the hitting was fine (an eyeroll worked). I see what you are saying, but am I correct in thinking you teach at an art school? I was at a big somewhat rural football/cheerleaders high school, an environment I'd never experienced before. I had an English degree but was assigned math to teach also (I'd never taken it at the college level).

I did settle in a bit more style-wise after I moved back to the city and taught at an urban alternative school which was a smaller more diverse community overall. I think it was more a case of being completely fish out of water in the community as well as at my workplace -- and trying to navigate style was just a symptom of larger things going on.

I agree that being in the visual arts in any role is refreshingly freeing in terms of how you present yourself compared to so many other professions. I also found working in web design for awhile was a great environment in terms of what you can and people did wear.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Rabbit -- Haha, eyeroll. No words even needed!

Thanks for the clarification. Sounds like the urban alternative school was a better match for you.

Actually, I've never taught art. I currently attend art school as a student (working on a BFA), but back when I was a teacher, I taught science. My first degree's a BSc.

Adelfa

Veteran

Rachy, the truth in advertising thing is so huge. I so know the feeling of giving people nasty shocks, and usually (I say *usually*) it's not that comfortable!

Elisabeth, I'd love to see a timeline of your phases! And yes, it sounds like we've had very different style experiences!

Celia, I love that you don't lose yourself anymore! I also love how you mention that clothes can be a common ground. I find this a lot, most recently with the gay men in my new workplace--we're complimenting each other's clothes all the time, and talking about clothes and shopping!

April, I don't think I had heard this before. I feel you! I lived for 25 years in a place that was 90 to 110 degrees for over half the year, and dressing professionally was a challenge! Not to mention all the other factors you had to take into account.

rabbit

Veteran

Aziraphale - Oh! That makes sense, now I understand. People with science backgrounds can create some really interesting art I've found.

Adelfa

Veteran

Lyn D, you capture the balance we strive for between conformity and individuality, between sensitivity to others and strength in our own selves.

Rabbit, dressing professionally for teenagers can be hard! In my profession we have intimate talks with adolescents in a closed room and we try to remind our therapists, many of them young, that they need to dress with awareness of the dynamics!

Beth Ann, I don't think I've ever heard you say some of these things. You travel in more than one culture, so you have more than one me<-->them dynamic to figure out. Context can really influence self-concept--DD says to colleagues, "I'm the most laid back one in my family," and they laugh and laugh because they think she's so intense. Or sometimes we thought of DD2 as the non-nerdy, "normal" one, while her friends thought she was a total nerd! I can see how your SING acronym addresses the diva/down to earth dichotomy. I love addressing dichotomies

Adelfa

Veteran

Cathy, I love your style. It seems consistent an authentic!

Gryffin, that's an interesting idea--that you can know who you are, but not be sure how to express it. And if what you say about yourself is true then we have something in common, because I have no natural style ability either!

Gaylene

Veteran

Nothing like teaching to make you aware of audiences for your outfits.

My first full-time teaching job at the ripe old age of 21 was in a junior high teaching grades 8 & 9. It was an interesting introduction to trying to exert my authority while still seeming approachable and I soon realized that my mini skirts from university didn't help matters. Actually, I had a great group of students who taught me as much as I taught them. The one lesson I learned very quickly was how everything I wore was being inspected right down to the tiniest detail--front, sides, and back. Within two weeks, those students knew (and voiced opinions on) everything in my closet right down to the number of charms I had dangling on a charm bracelet I once wore for ten minutes before taking it off.

Students can be pretty harsh critics, but I've also received some of my best compliments from them--like the time one told me "For an old lady, you have some nice clothes". I was 28 at the time. LOL

Adelfa

Veteran

Gaylene, that feeling of being inspected is just too much, isn't it? Every once in a while I become aware that my clothes are being looked at very closely and it does freak me out!

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

LOL at Gaylene's comment …

This thread is such an interesting read. Now I see my prior comments weren't very relevant to the topic. This is what happens when you post late at night after taking meds that make you drowsy!

I think, when I am not just dressing for myself or loved ones, my attire is either practical or fear-based. Practical as in gear or uniform or uninteresting clothes that do the job. Fear based as in, if I put on what I want, you might see how crazy/wild/selfish I am. Or, if I put on what I want on a low energy day, you might see how uncreative/frumpy/lazy I really am!