Moms of Tweens, talk to me! - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Moms of Tweens, talk to me!

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Moms - when did your tweens become interested in the opposite sex?

My DS turned 10 in May and I am sort of amused that he has a girlfriend. He says they started "dating" last year. Dating consisted of the odd shared lunch box and him buying her a colddrink at the Valentine's Day disco. She went home with his cap that night. The friendship seems to fizzle off and then they apparently "broke up".

Recently he started talking about her a lot again. They have been chatting non stop on WeChat and he has become very shy about letting me have access to his tablet.

Honestly, it seems a bit young to me, but it all seems quite innocent, thankfully. I am not sure whats normal and what's not. I would love any thoughts!

Off Topic

16 replies

Latest reply was from Marlene

Marmee

Veteran

My girls aren't into boys yet, but my there is a "couple" in my older daughter's 7th grade class who has been together since 5th grade. I think it's all pretend because there are only two classes of kids in their grade, and they've been at the same school since Pre-K. Plus, he's totally prepubescent. Interestingly, both kids have parents who have recently divorced, so maybe they're acting something out?

Good for you for keeping tabs on his chat sessions!

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

My son is 11 and no girl interest yet. However, I was talking to a girl in his class and she mentioned that she had a boyfriend. I also got the impression that it was very innocent. I recall becoming interested in boys when I was 11, but I don't think the boys were quite ready for that yet. My son has some friends who are 12 and 13 and when they are at the pool it seems that some groups of girls are coming around but the boys don't really know what to do about it.

Anonymous

It's probably all innocent, but it's a good idea to keep tabs just in case. I say that because when my DDs were tweens, their friends were allowed to date (while my DDs were not). All my DDs' friends who were allowed to date at such a young age ended up pregnant in high school. Some now have 2 or 3 kids and struggle to make ends meet because they didn't go to college. My DH and I were the comparatively strict parents, but our DDs now thank us for it.

rachylou

Veteran

Children are all very different, when it comes to becoming interested in actual real dating. I, for one, am still very innocent. Lol.

But for example, my DD - when she was eleven, she starts a sentence one day with "my first boyfriend..." I was like *huh?* Then she goes on to say something about how that was "way back when, when she was much younger." You also have to add to this that she went to a school where boys and girls were in separate classes. The only time they intermingled was on the school bus.

Then she goes on some more and tells me about how so-and-so was out of his mind, accusing so-and-so of cheating on him by looking at another boy with googly eyes, and so forth.

I think the most frightening aspect was these children were play-acting-out, on the ten minute bus ride home, the world around them. Trying the dialog on for size. And worse, it could all become habit, pattern them for life, and actually come to pass. Also, the ultimately-reduced-logic showed how really stupid grown people are.

Thankfully, this has not come to pass (DD is 21 now). I went and bought the books "How to choose a good husband" and "How to choose a good wife" in the day and we read them... Eh, but I should probably confess that now DD seems to have something of my clueless innocence.

I am trying now to share some of the nitty-gritty mechanics of being a good partner, at the relationship level, at this late stage in the game. Ack! She has a boyfriend now, and she's always telling him he's stupid basically. I am like, "He's good boy, stop dishing out the pain! You are going to ruin him!"

...Ok, this is long now, but I have to mention my friend and her son, who got and lost his first girlfriend between high school and college. Very normal, of course, but my friend hated the girlfriend because the girlfriend was running the show. But here's the thing, my friend is a jealous mother. She has done nothing to explain how things go... asking a girl for a first date, introducing her into the family, proposing, what a man has to do when he's a man - riding herd on women, children and pets. You better believe her son's girlfriends are going to have to be bossy...

I mean, you got to think ahead!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

My ten year old nephew has a girlfriend but they never really see each socially out of school. Liam says she is so cute because she has freckles and her nose wrinkles funny when she smiles, he says the nicest thing about her is that she always listens to his very long winded talks about football. They have never held hands, or danced, or spoken on the telephone.

Deborah

Veteran

Hil, my son is 10 and would say he is slowly becoming aware of girls. He doesn't seem that interested now but did ask the other night if I thought girls will like him when he is older:)

I have quite particular ideas about this so feel free to disregard, but for me 10 year old boys and girls can be friends but anything that constitutes a relationship doesnt' sit well with me at that age. I feel so strongly that kids should be allowed to be kids for as long as possible.

We also have a rule that any online chat/communication with friends is done in the common part of the house, not behind closed doors and that we can access his iPad anytime. We have expressed very clearly to him that if there is something he doesn't want us to see or hear (at this point in his life) then it's probably not ok

Given the situtation it's probably a good time to ensure an open dialogue with your DS and make sure he knows its ok to chat to you about his friends and how he feels etc.

anne

Veteran

It is certainly common among certain 10 year olds, remembering back to my own childhood (not that I was involved at all)

As the mother of a 10 year old girl, I second every word that Deborah said!

deb

Veteran

Sometimes when they say girlfriend they do not mean it in the way adults think of it. My son came out of the womb liking girls and he told me he had a 'girlfriend' in preschool. He was engaged once but called it off when he realized it was not right. He is 30 now and has had a steady girlfriend for three years. I will also say that his best friends are female.

Anonymous

I've taught 9-12 year olds for forever. When I first started, girls started getting interested in the boys about age 11, but the boys had no interest. That has changed! The boys are interested much younger and very young girls can want above all things to be the Hot Girl. There is lots of curiosity too. This is not the age to let them come home from school to an empty house. Be vigilant and have those talks.

amiable

Veteran

Just chiming in to say that my 11 yo boy is sorta interested in girls. He has twice now had an interest in a girl that he thought was special. (I asked him what he liked about her with the second one - it was that she could outrun him).

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Thanks moms! All such good advice! These kidlets grow up faster than we realise. We communicate pretty well and I really hope that I manage to maintain those open lines as the kids get bigger!

Kimberley

Veteran

I just wanted to add that Deborah took the words out of my mouth! Completely agree and couldn't have said it any better

rachylou

Veteran

I was just thinking, you know, it's not a bad idea to tell your kids what a good *life timeline* might be and why. They'll be looking for one - and middle school is not a bad moment to do it, because once they hit high school age, they are on stage. Rehearsal is over and Act One has begun.

People don't like to hear that, but it's true. That is THE setup for the rest of their lives. You go on as you begin. The next president is already on the road to the White House - he'll have mowed some lawns (to experience physical labor and the life of little people), maybe chosen his mission/study abroad program (get some global perspective), be getting pretty good at a foreign language (communication), mastered golf and that certain inner calm (persuasion 101)...

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Rachy, that is so true. i was reading Snow White or Cinderella to my girls and at the end of the book I looked them both in the eye and said 'but in real life, you meet someone and you're friends for a very long time before you decide whether it is right for you both to get married'.

Teah (6) then reiterated her belief that she will be a scientist, who invents a time machine and retires at 16 (she knows about retirement because my Dad has just finished work) and she will not be getting married. Emmy (4) wants to be a Yogi.

Echo

Veteran

It depends on the kids. My 11 YO DS2 has a girlfriend, except no one - including her - know about it. From what I see, he is typical in having a crush but being so embarrassed about other people finding out that it is strictly all in his head for now. Very few of his classmates "asked" a girl to the Halloween dance.

DS1 (13 YO), on the other hand, has liked the same girl since 2nd grade and she likes him. They have never, ever said they were dating, but they have spent 5+ years eating lunch together and playing together at recess. Now that they are in 8th grade, they sit and talk at lunch break. He asks her to the dances, although that doesn't actually mean anything because her parents bring her and pick her up, and we bring DS1 and pick him up. He sometimes brings her a flower to give her at the dance.

Her family invites DS1 when they go hiking or when they have gatherings at their house. They invited him to help with their business's float for the St. Patrick's Day Parade. We invite her when we have summer picnics or when we go places like indoor play areas (with go--karts, 4D movies, rides, bowling, etc.). They invite each other to birthdays, too.

But most of his friends have a girlfriend for a week or two and then they break up, and so on. DS1 might be one of the rare ones who actually marries his gradeschool sweetheart (although a LOT can happen in high school and college). I keep telling him that either of them might want to date someone else at some point, and that it isn't the end of the world if that happens. But so far, neither has eyes for anyone except the other. The girl has a friend who is cute and blonde and flirty who all the boys want to hang around. DS1 usually couldn't even tell you what colour shirt that girl was wearing after he spent the day with a group of friends that included the girl he likes. He almost literally sees no one except her.

Marlene

Veteran

I have a 10 year old daughter that seems to have no interest in boys at all. Except as chums at school. I've asked her if there is someone she likes but she rolls her eyes and says boys are silly. But she does have girls in her class that are boy-crazy so she does know what's going on. At the school movie night, lots of boys sit beside girls for a few minutes and everyone starts gossiping about it. But I don't think there are any official boyfriend/girlfriend things going on yet with this crowd. Its a very small class and most of them have been together since kindy. It will be a whole different kettle of fish next year when they all get to the middle school! There is one boy in the class that all the girls are crazy for. Its been that way since they were 5 and I'm not sure why. Its always a big deal who gets to sit beside him at movie night!

Its all cute and innocent right now and that's just fine by me....