* - YouLookFab Forum

elpgal

Could it be start of the school year doldrums?

catgirl

Could be - he was looking forward to school but I think he's finding it difficult as he went from top of his class to lowly 4th grader. I'm going in on Friday to volunteer and will get a sense of his classroom...

12 years ago

kellygirl

Veteran

Sounds familiar. DD's went through similar stages in grade school. I definitely remember the joint pain and hunger. I think they need more sleep during these periods and I do think the discomfort/hunger affects their emotions. DD's were never teary eyed but they were major crankypants. I'm still waiting for DD#2 to outgrow this--it's been going off and on for the last couple of years.

I don't know how Montessori works but in our school, 4th grade is a big year. They start getting grades instead of the S+ and such. The teachers seem more demanding in terms of class work and homework (but that could just be our school) and perhaps DS is feeling something similar?

12 years ago

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

I remember my oldest son becoming a real pain around age 11 so that may be completely normal.
On the other hand I would have him checked by the doctor to eliminate any potential underlying health issues - just in case.
Parenting is never easy, isn't it?

12 years ago

ironkurtin

Veteran

It's the age. It's very VERY typical for kids to start these behaviors. He's growing and learning boundaries and discovering the difference between himself and others and what he can and cannot control. Of course, being tired and hungry does not help!

Feed him, sling his butt into bed early no matter what he says (typical night with my 4th-grade daughter: "I'm not a baby! It's too early! I'm not tired! I'm -- zzzzzzzzzz.") If he keeps having growing pains I might see if there's anything you can do besides BenGay, but the behavior stuff is all normal.

Hang in there, he'll bounce.

12 years ago

Kristin SF

Veteran

Hmm....just this past weekend I had the SAME EXACT thought about my almost-6 year old daughter.

You mean I have even more to look forward to? Lovely.

12 years ago

ClaraT

Veteran

Agree with others that this may be a "this too will pass" thing.

I would also try to analyze the behavior a little bit--is he whining about school work, chores, bathing? That is, is it across-the-board whining or related to a specific situation (transitioning) or activity (schoolwork)? This may or may not be helpful...

He is 10, and you might just ask him what is going on. I sometimes ask my kids, "You sounded grouchy when you said that to me. Are you tired? Are you mad at me? Do you feel OK?" (or whatever). And sometimes, they tell me what is going on ("I don't want to do another poster for science" "Mr. K yelled at me but I wasn't the one talking" "My head hurts" etc.) Worth a try, anyhow (ask after he says/does something that he knows isn't OK). This makes it clear that while you don't like the behavior, you aren't mad, but you are puzzled and want to help him.

12 years ago

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

Yes, the things I thought would wait for the teen years actually came at age 11 for my son. Sassy talk, moodiness, angry lashing out. It's a challenge, for sure. Being an only child, he seemed to take our new puppy as a threat and was jealous of him for a while - completely unexpected. Keeping him busy with sports and friends and school work seems to help. The last couple of weeks have been better - he started playing tackle football and has had a very full practice schedule. Maybe getting exhausted on the field is the answer for him.

12 years ago

Gaylene

Veteran

My memories are that 6-10 year old boys are as close to perfection as it gets, but there is no getting around the fact that the next few years are going to be more challenging for both you and DS as he moves through his pre-teen and early teen years.

IK's right when she says that it's helpful for both of you if you set a few reasonable, but firm, ground rules about bedtimes, mealtimes, friends, social occasions, schoolwork, curfews, etc. Since we had always skied and hiked as a family, as long as our boys could bring a friend or two along, we could still do those things more or less as a family even during those pre-teen/early teenage years. I really think that being interested in physical activities as a family paid off in helping our boys find interesting ways to challenge themselves without getting into less desirable activities. They were usually too tired after a day of snowboarding to think of anything but sleep!

It was also easier keep the lines of communication open because we deliberately tried to get to know their friends through these activities. My husband was always there to volunteer to coach the junior ski-racing, soccer, and baseball teams, and to act as a parent volunteer for outdoor-ed/camping programs. Our sons' friends respected and liked him, so DH could be quite influential when he talked to our boys and their friends. He never lectured or scolded, but he did a lot of listening and role-modeling, especially for some of the kids who didn't have a strong male figure in their lives during that period. I still remember one morning walking into the kitchen and seeing my DH preparing half a dozen lunches for our boys and their friends in preparation for a day's skiing because some of our sons' friends had parents who sent them off for a full day on the ski hill with just a soft drink and pre-packaged snack pack. Needless to say, our boys had a hard time convincing their friends that they were ill-treated when they complained about some of their ground rules.

12 years ago

Eliza

Veteran

Agree with others that their can be growth spurts that impact hunger, irritability and create discomforts. By age 12 my son had not reached his full height, but his feet went first- they were a size 12 and stayed there even as he grew another 7 inches ultimately. Same aches with rapid growth.

That said, you have the added variable of a new school year, with a complete change of teacher after years of familiarity. I think it's great that you'll be in the classroom to get the lay of the land. You can also ask what's different between this teacher/class and his former one, what he likes or doesn't like, if he's seeing friends from last year, etc. Best done casually, at dinner or driving to activities which allows him to talk to your back; I remember getting great information that way.

I would universalize things that you observe to be stressful for him and discuss what may help. This is an age where kids can start to put together what they know about themselves (ie: need breakfast, school gets easier after a couple of weeks, it helps to have a friend over, put out clothes the night before, etc.). Most of all, I'd let him know that you are interested in his take on how things are going, what he's thinking about, etc. Just keeping it low key can help normalize things. Also, since he just watched you start a new job, you can use yourself as an example by drawing parallels between the fresh starts and coping strategies that might have relevance to both of you. Love the sage advice to keep the home routines in order as a solid launching platform only gets more important with time.

Best to you both.

12 years ago

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

So many possibilities, I like the advice suggesting turning it over to him. It's surprising sometimes what answer you get by pointing out the behavior and asking what's going on.
The growth spurt with boys and the hunger is a real issue and is easy to resolve with frequent healthy snacks. I swear my now 17 year old would hear us say time for bed and think we said time to eat. He would head to the kitchen.
I have always told my children that I talk nicely to them and do not deserve and will not tolerate that from them. Worked well as they would look guilty and stop.

12 years ago

Sara L.

Veteran

My boys are younger than yours (7 and 5) but they just started a new school year and have been super irritable too. I moved their bedtimes up 1/2 hour and that has helped quite a bit. Also, school started about 3 weeks ago and now that they're getting more settled into the school, homework, and soccer practice routines, they've started to act more like their usual selves.

My youngest occasionally gets growing pains and I usually give him some Tylenol before bed on those days. I had growing pains when I was a kid too so I understand what he's going through even though my husband just doesn't get it (he never had them and doesn't seem to understand how it hurts even when there is nothing obviously wrong). However, growing pains aren't in the joint, so if he has joint pain, you might want to get that checked out. Here's a decent overview of growing pains http://kidshealth.org/parent/g.....pains.html.

My problem right now is homework. This is the first year that my oldest has homework due every day instead of a homework notebook given at the beginning of the week and due at the end of the week. Every night is a battle now and I don't know how to convince him that if he would just do the homework instead of whining, crying, fiddling around and generally procrastinating, he would have more time to do the things he wants to do.

12 years ago

Anonymous

Oh poor Una! It sounds like he is having physical, emotional and maybe intellectual growth spurts all at the same time! And yes, he will cycle out of this grouchiness. I know you are feeding him good food (since we are Eat to Live buddies). If you have hard and fast rules about snacking too close to supper, or right before bed you might want to relax those a little bit, as long as what he is snacking on is just as healthy as supper. I remember feeding my son at that age before we would go out, and the minute we'd get where we were going he was already hungry again. Their appetite knows no bounds.

Also if you tend to insist he does homework right away when he gets home, you might want to back off and give him an hour or two to decompress and play a video game or a physical game outside, or fun reading, whatever he might be getting enough of and that he truly enjoys. If he's an introvert, he might just need some time alone. If he's an extrovert, he might try to engage you in an argument just because! Hmmmm, the son of two attorneys staring an argument, ya don't say! Hang in there. You're doing a fantastic job parenting him and being willing to volunteer in his classroom. That takes some serious dedication.

12 years ago

deb

Veteran

Both my son and daughter went through a stage like this at the age of 10 or 11. I just figured it was part of the breaking away from mom thing. My daughter's phase did not last long then she turned awful about 16. My son was awful from 10 through 13 then he was the easiest child to deal with, As a teenager he was great with everyone. I hope this is the case for you.

12 years ago

Deborah

Veteran

Una, our sons could be twins lol! Master 10 has never been a good sleeper and is strong minded and has opinions he is not shy to share lol! Basically I am in the same place as you, learning as I go as Master 10 is a single child, I have not other experience to drawer on.

Tiredness plays a huge part in our how my young man works. The tearyness and the irrational moments are always an indicator of being too tired. Master 10 goes to bed at 8pm but usually does not go to sleep until 10 or 10.30 which is really too late. Recently we got a puppy, who now snuggles up to Master 10 at bedtime and Master 10 is now going of to sleep earlier. And I am seeing a more 'even' little boy now that he is getting more sleep.

I agree with other comments that boundaries are crucial. Master 10 knows he is welcome to share his thoughts, or have a different opinion, as long as he presents it in an appropriate manner. We don't tolerate bad behaviour and there are always a response to bad behaviour, ie. tv goes off, Ipad is taken away.

I have days when I think my boy could just be an actual angel and other days when I am not sure who is or where he came from! But as IK says, I do think it is pretty normal. My focus is on making him feel safe and loved, setting clear boundaries and always being open and available to talk with him.

12 years ago

amiable

Veteran

I have a 10 year old boy too (turning 11 in October). And we did experience a big increase in moodiness at 10. I'm learning to take time to talk with just him and find out what's triggering him ("you're is so unfair - you don't require this of the younger ones" is usually it). So we're starting to put routines in place where I don't require less of him, but I do reward him for his hard work. I do my best to make sure that I understand and love him, but that it doesn't change that he's expected to be respectful and such.

And he eats at least twice what I do at each meal, and sleeps late every morning (because he stays up reading in his bed - I couldn't let him do that if we had to get up and out of the house every day though).

Sorry I don't have any very useful suggestions - but we're in there with you!

12 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

Phew, so relieved that I am not alone (not that I thought I was!). I am nodding along to so many of your comments and suggestions. We do a LOT with DS, as he is our only. DH is his basketball coach and a fantastic hands-on dad. As a family we downhill ski, camp, spend time at our cabin, and generally do a lot of together time. I'm going into his class this Friday to see what's up.

I think he's at an age where he is switching to wanting a social life more around his peers, which I understand... and he's also at that transition between toys and teen activities. Yesterday he was playing with Playmobil before bed, but then he wanted to listen to his music on his headphones. He's also regressed a little in not wanting to sleep in his room after someone broke into our garage and crying over small things. Could just be all the transition has him strung out, because he's normally a sturdy, cheerful, resilient kid.

I've set up a carrot/stick situation with his best friend's mom: when he has a good week, we do something fun with them on Friday night, like dinner and a movie together. Good incentive and fun for me too, plus something positive.

Another issue is that he's been pegged as gifted, which I know comes with its own set of issues. For instance, he's used to everything coming easy at school, so when it doesn't he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to work at it and persist. I truly think being "gifted" is actually a curse in many ways and I've tried REALLY hard to keep it from being a label he uses as a crutch.

It does sound like he has a lot of YLF twin siblings here! Deborah I love pictures of your son with his puppy because mine is also super-sweet with his pets. He's generally such a wonderful kid, which is what's throwing me off. I guess he's entitled to his bad moments too...

THANKS!

12 years ago

Eliza

Veteran

Ah, so many dots to connect. He may be at an age where it's not cool to say he's scared about the garage break-in, but he is anyways. Also, as if adolescence wasn't enough, I have found that precocious kids can have the challenge of their head and heart not being in sync. They can wonder and worry about things that they have no way to contextualize yet, if that makes sense. He's lucky to have caring parents and you are helping by being the even-keeled counter- point to his heightened emotions. You are also doing many supportive things that should help with all these transitions.

I couldn't agree more about the curse of the gifted label. I dislike how passive that is as a descriptor. You simply are "gifted" and it implies nothing about character, effort, growth or perseverance. Hindsight here, coupled with some research not available when our kids were young: focus on normalizing the ongoing process of learning something hard or new, how it requires time and practice, not on praising the instant production of a "good job". If "everything" comes easily, keep cultivating challenging ECs that appeal, but aren't easily mastered, while validating patience as well as persistence. It seemed so obvious when I heard this, but it isn't practiced enough. Our daughter rode horses and I swear that her barn time impacted her confidence tackling big goals. She expects to really work, without instant results. Also, if the gifted label is new, your son may be grappling with what that means, both socially and in terms of other's expectations of him. It could feel burdensome, depending upon how he is thinking about it.

Hope it helps to know you have so many fellow travelers here. Hang in there- sounds like you a great kid who can sort this all out with you little by little.

12 years ago

soobee

Veteran

My boy was exactly the same at that age! He was the perfect baby and an angel of a toddler, then came the roller coaster ride that you're on now. I agree with everything ironkurtin said. Try to stay calm and in control. And always keep those boundaries. This, too, shall pass

12 years ago

Hil

(website)

Veteran

This post actually made me tear up - there's something really heartwarming about knowing there are so many moms out there going through the same stuff (totally lame, yes?).

My DS is 10 and I have had very similar experiences of the last few months. The one thing I have seen with my son though is that he seems to have settled himself and into school and his social circle as he has progressed through school. His school made a huge fuss of them becoming seniors and the kids in general loved that. But the bouts of grouchiness (albeit relatively few), the constant hunger, the growing pains - I so get all of that! And that transitioning from being a kid to being a teen with teen interests. DS can be found on the floor with all his cars one minute and lazing on his bed, earphones on the next. And he would sleep all day if he could (and yet never go to bed!)
He gets very teary if he is hungry.

And as for my 8 year old daughter.... well that is a subject for a different thread!

Hugs!

12 years ago

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Aw, sounds like you got some great advice so I will just send hugs for you and your DS. Sounds like it will take some time to adjust to the transition, but hopefully with lots of food and sleep he'll be back to his usual self soon! I definitely can relate--my 6 yo DD is a little grumpster (you should see her pouty face) and also complains of growing pains frequently...she gets pains behind her knees. She's super independent and stubborn. I feel like she's been a teenager since she was 2!

12 years ago

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Una, you're one of YLF mums whom I relate a lot to in terms of mum-son / parent-child issues and I'm reading this thread with great interest. You're a few years ahead of us, so are marking my path in a way.

I will return to this thread later to read all response with the attention the deserve. While I have no answer to your question, here is one for you: have you come across books by Steve Biddulph? He's Australian child psychologist and family therapist and an author of fantastic books about boys (and men) in particular. I have gifted his "Raising Boys" to all my friends with sons and keep re-reading it for inspiration, encouragement and purely for feeling I am not alone in this raising (male) child thing. Another book I found fantastic is "Manhood", but others are brilliant too.

12 years ago

Kat

Veteran

Could not agree more with Eliza re:"giftedness", having similar issues with my DS and DD. Particularly with 10yo DD who was skipped from 3rd to 5th grade, we had to work alot on developing tenacity and perseverance and praising of effort rather than output. The move from a classroom where everything "came easy" to a classroom where she was still in the top, but had to deal with others knowing more/being better at things or having to struggle to understand a concept rather than have it come easily was a blow to her self-image, I think. That and, I swear, the moodiness of puberty is striking earlier as I look at my kids and those of my friends. As my friend, who is a guidance counselor for the junior high, tells me about his kids--imagine all the changes (physically, emotionally gaining an independent identity, etc) your child goes through from birth to age 3. Remember the tantrums and tough days. Then, remind yourself that your child is now going through the same number of massive changes, that puberty is a time where physically the body is growing more rapidly than any other time in your life except for that first few years and the child is undergoing the beginnings of those same separation/independence transitions. Consider some of these behaviors "tweener tantrums" instead of the "terrible twos", remind yourself that he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing, and just as you had to set limits, manage hunger and sleep, etc with your toddler, do what you need to here.
And, as I constantly remind myself, "long days, short years" and try to praise and focus on those lovely behaviors. I have to tell myself that this yo-yoing between child and teen has to be as difficult for my kid as it is for me.
Good luck, keep us posted!

12 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

It feels so much better to hear from you all. My DH also pointed out that my son was "mine" for a long time - as sons tend to be, I guess - and now is becoming more of a "young man" who is pulling away a bit to his dad with watching sports and basketball.

I need to find new common interests with him and also realize I'm going to have to let go of the days when he'd fall asleep holding my hair. I enjoy every phase and age but man, it goes fast!

12 years ago

Gaylene

Veteran

I think you've nailed it, Una, with your last comment. It's hard, but necessary, for our sons to pull away from us in order to explore their "maleness" as they move from being little boys into adolescent males. It's not easy to "hand over" to your husband, but the next ten years are also kind of awesome because that's when you get to watch the transformation of your little boy into a man. If you've been lucky in your choice of a partner, your husband will be the very best guide you could hope for to help your boy understand, and navigate, the process of becoming good, honest, and loving man.

12 years ago

Isabel

Veteran

My daughter is 10 and is going through the EXACT same thing. Part of it is hormone fluctuations ( according to our pediatrician, in fact, girls at this age commonly faint because of it !! ). Part of it is that they are so tired from their bodies expending so much energy to grow. Part of it is that they are starting to push the boundaries of independence but still want the reassurance of Mommy and Daddy. There is soooo much going on at this age. I think that all we can do is be patient. It was also suggested that if she is so grumpy that she needs to take it out on others , that we leave her "alone" until she can "get it together." That has been working for us. I also do the , "you have 10 mins to be cranky and I will listen...then you either move on to another topic or you move on to your room or outside. "

Brought to you by my pediatrician and applicable to your son.

12 years ago

ironkurtin

Veteran

Oh Una, I know what you mean... it's so hard to lose the physical sweetness they have as babies. But your boy will always love his mother! I promise!

12 years ago

Sona

Veteran

You have gotten terrific advice.

I am just wondering if he has had his annual physical? I would talk to his pediatrician beforehand and explain what's been going on and when he has the physical in all likelihood the pediatrician will ask you to leave the room ( If not just pretend like you need to go to the bathroom).
The pediatrician is often a safe figure and because children are assured that their conversations remain private they are often more open with their pediatricians- both in terms of opening up and accepting advice.
The other thing this accomplishes is making sure the doc does not think there is anything physical ( i.e anemia, etc) going on.

12 years ago

nancylee

Veteran

I do think it's probably the age, Una. At this age they are starting to glimpse what lies ahead (adolescence) and it feels daunting. I distinctly remember my son saying he didn't want to turn 10....something about the double digits worried him (and he was a pretty easygoing kid).

Around age 11 was when I really noticed the difference...about 5th grade. He seemed much more aware of social expectations and what boys were supposed to do (i.e., be good at sports, etc.). It was sad to see him start to lose the freedom of childhood so early, but that's what happened. The onset of puberty/peer pressure keeps shifting younger and younger, so if my son was feeling that way at 11 (he's 21 now) it makes sense that that your son is feeling it at 10.

*sigh* My best advice to keeping your boy talking is to just listen as much as possible w/o judgment. They need to know there's a safe place for them with mom since there's so much pressure out there (and, sadly, it's still not cool for boys to talk about stress/pressure like girls do). My son used to talk and talk to me in the dark after he'd gotten in bed, with me sitting by his side. And I mostly just listened....even when what he said freaked me out a little!

Two books that really helped me understand the adolescent boy mindset were: Real Boys and Real Boys Talk.

12 years ago

Category