Maybe I should just stay home :( - YouLookFab Forum

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Dressing

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Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Maybe I should just stay home :(

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Don't mean to downplay any advice from here, I *TRULY* appreciate the kindness shown here, but have 2 important (to me) events this weekend, more coming soon and couldn't feel worse about going. One is meeting a longtime (gorgeous) FB friend travelling here from PA to the National Dog Agility Championships and the other is a high school graduation party from DH's old friends son, who have *always* looked down on me, which I've accepted, more or less...ain't gonna change. I think I could spend several hundred dollars- that I DONT have- and wouldn't feel better. I used to look at my clothes and feel mildly depressed, before I started reading the finer points of refining/defining your style, now I literally cry when I survey my stuff....
everything is either ill-fitting, wont work with other pieces or feels SO not me

Dressing

31 replies

Latest reply was from biscuitsmom

April

Veteran

Oh, Bmom -- please don't stay home.

What do you think is getting in the way of finding a couple of fresh pieces to kickstart your wardrobe enthusiasm?

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Oh, April, thank you! Most of it is my being overweight (especially since DH started a new system of exercise I cant do) and has lost weight. And another big thing is the styles I like, he doesn't. I like more boho, artsy, he likes modern classic. I'm constantly feeling I don't 'measure up' to his nitpicky standards....I'm at that awkward stage between regular and plus sizes and have several health 'challenges' that stop me from doing much shopping in the B/M stores, and most of what I buy online goes back, plus finances are cut SLIM, especially recently..... thank you for caring

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

My heart aches for you as I know when I was overweight I hated going to company events with my husband..,.I even went to St. Maarten for a week (beach vacations when you aren't happy with your size are a nightmare!) and almost didn't go because I didn't feel good enough.... I know how hard this is , but for me every time I pushed myself and went I had a good time... So, my question to you is have you pushed yourself and gone and it been better than you predict or have you had the opposite experience where it was not good?
If you've not pushed yourself than I urge you to try... If you've pushed yourself and had a good time, then push forward, past the self-talk. If you've pushed yourself and gone and felt worse with this group of people, then I caution you to not attend.....
I hope that you will try to go to the Dog championships and meet the FB friend as that has the potential to be a fabulous day!!!
Try seeing if you have something that could work if you just bought a good topper to wear with it... A very simple basic piece can totally become a wonderful outfit with just the addition of a jacket, sweater, kimono,or vest...

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I've gone several times over the past 10 yrs or so (I've been at or near this weight since at least 2005 when we got engaged-married the next yr) and have never felt good, the visits get harder every time. I'm glad you went and had a good time I'm SO freaking tired of the pitying looks and comments I get I wish I could beg off and stay home, but we only see them a few times a yr and DH would be really upset if I didn't go. I wish I could wear a topper (have a great denim jacket) but it is going to be about 80 degrees or so. I just feel like taking a big butcher knife and slicing myself in half....

Sal

Veteran

I am so sorry to hear how miserable you are feeling. Please take care of yourself....

Have you told your husband how overwhelmed you are feeling?

April

Veteran

I do think that regardless of what styles men think they like, they always like it when you're happy about how you look. It puts a little spring in your step when you love what you're wearing, and in my experience they notice that, even if what you're wearing isn't a style they would have chosen off the rack.

Shopping can be so frustrating, especially when you're at a weight you're not happy with. What about finding one foundational piece, something like this, that could be dressed up or down and that will still fit even if your weight fluctuates a bit: http://www.jjill.com/jjillonli.....&sk=W

With a flowy top, it's a boho look. With a structured jacket, it's modern classic.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, don't cry biscuitsmom! Get angry and come be punk with me!! One of the things I love about punk fashion is not mohawks and chains, but the attitude: it's doing stuff with nothing. Hand-me-down T-shirts bought at a gas station two-years ago. I mean, you google Deborah Harry and all the pics are of her wearing incredibly average stuff. And not in black either.

Your DH reminds me of how my dad was. My dad was very classic and traditional. He would stand there and pick lint off of me. Would march me to Nordstrom for the Dread Tailored Blue Blazer. Lol. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I *do* like a blue blazer now after all those years of training...

biscuitsmom

Veteran

KiwiG, Yes, he thinks I'm being 'ridiculous/overly dramatic' he just doesn't 'get' all the snubs/ comments they make. Unless they came right out to say 'your wife is awful' he wouldn't notice Thanks for the kind words.... April, thanks, that is lovely and I do have a ponte pant that would work if it were cooler out, but long pants, especially dark and not jeans, would look out of place when the temps are smoking hot....I will keep them in mind when we get together late fall when it cools off though.... I'll just have to go and feel like a f'ng clown

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Oh, Rachy, how I wish I were there with you! I'll try and channel the attitude

catgirl

Veteran

BM, please let us help - post pictures and we can dress you. But you have to find a way to stop beating yourself up; you have enough toxic people doing that and they need to stop too. Trust me, I see flaws in myself everywhere but in my heart I know it's all distorted. It is hard to do more than encourage you at this level of participation but if you start posting even outfits laid out on the bed you will be taking a step forward!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry you are feeling so down about yourself BM. I agree that you would feel a lot better if you could bring yourself to post a picture - this is a very supportive and practical community!

MsMary

Veteran

I agree with the advice about posting photos.

Beyond that, perhaps at this time in your life going out and about and trying to put together an outfit is just too much stress for you. What if you just gave yourself a pass and let yourself stay home? I can tell you right now, there is no way on earth I would go to a party hosted by people who look down on me and are unkind to me. If your DH is unhappy that you don't want to go, let him be unhappy. Better than you going to a party with unkind people and being miserable.

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

MaryK makes a good point... You can't make your actions self sacrificing in order for someone else to not by unhappy.... Why does his happiness trump your own?

If they are looking at you as you described then this has been a recurring thing you have endured for too long... You tried repeatedly , you can't ask anymore of yourself..

Sometimes we have to take a stand for ourselves..

. My husband had a freind that made snide comments to me and acted jealous of me. Since DH's time is precious and I wasn't going to sit home, so DH could hang out with him... I told DH we were not associating with him anymore... My husband told the guy that he screwed up and he addressed it with me.. I told him all his comments and he said, "you make me sound like an a**hole" to which I just looked at him.. We tried it once more after that and another incident occured, so DH agreed it was over.

Your husband should not expect you to spend time with people who are hurtful to you and if he is insensitive to it, even more the reason for you to take a stand of self care and opt out...

crutcher

Veteran

Be your own best friend..What advice would you give your best friend in a similar situation?...Go?...Stay home?...Either way, you have to be somewhat at peace with your decision...
My best to you...

Caro in Oz

Veteran

One thing that really changed my world was the realisation that I spoke to myself in a way I would NEVER speak to anyone else. I'd never tell anyone they were * (fill in the nasty blank). Yet I was constantly telling myself far worse. So every time I caught myself having these awful conversations I'd think: What would I say to my BFF or my daughter if she felt like this?

It's really hard to be positive when we don't get any support from the people around us & we don't feel good about ourselves; but that doesn't mean we can't start to be kind to ourselves.

Big hugs to you. Have you heard/read any of Brene Brown's work? She is down to earth & inspiring. I found her very helpful.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene.....g_to_shame

Isabel

Veteran

BM, I have not read the other responses yet. I will do so later.

I just want to say that it breaks my heart that you don't participate in things that could add so much to your life because of your clothes. Or at least because you don't feel good in them.

On another thread, the topic of needing money to look "good" is a reality. So, please allow me to make a couple of suggestions.

1. Even if you were loaded, you still wouldn't feel good in the classic clothes that your DH prefers. It is not you. And he fell in love with you when you had the same style and the same body. Remember that.

2. Is there anyway that you can squeeze out a few bucks a month...$10, $15, $20 and save it up and then have some of your clothes tailored ? I am a big believer in tailoring clothes. Even clothes that are not expensive. This way you will have two or three things that you can wear and feel good in when similar situations come up in the future. Please do something to have one outfit that you feel comfortable in.

3. I think that very often when we feel down on ourselves, we think that everyone's eyes are on us. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. So maybe not everyone is looking at you that way. And if they are, target one person and dazzle the hell out of them with your wit and personality. That is all it takes to get started : ONE person !

XXXXXXXX

gryffin

Veteran

BMom - sorry I have not gotten to read the other replies, but I just wanted to send hugs and good thoughts and I do hope you go to your events. I hate judgemental people. People who have a real superiority of mind or ability are usually so humble and kind because they are secure. This person sounds like they intimidate you to make themselves feel better. It's awful but it's about their lack and problem, not yours!! I think we all have had moments when our closets failed us. So first, how are the important areas - hair/make up? You want the attention on your face. Do you have a very simple outfit, either pants or shift dress that you could add a boho scarf, pin, jewelry to? You can swing a classic, if it's truly simple all with the accessories. Would something like that work? Also a great jacket (I mean well fitting/flattering/not expensive) can hide a multitude of sins and gives authority and polish - a structured cardi can fill the same role. Don't know if any of this is helpful just wanted to let you know I am beaming good thoughts, hugs and strength to you. Remember, only you define you. That person is just a bully on the playground - that's all he will ever be. You will always be superior to him because you do not sink to that level.

Mona

Veteran

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, BM. In life I have learned that I have to be okay with myself in order for people to be okay with me. Don't be too harsh on yourself and try to talk to your husband about your feelings too. It may not be that obvious to him how you are feeling.

Glory

Veteran

Sending a big hug your way Biscuit Mom. I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling and that you feel put down by the friends. Perhaps MsMary's advice could be considered in this case.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It's hard when we have been cooped up for a long time and then suddenly have events to attend. Two anixiety-provoking events in short succession can be a lot to manage even for people whose closets are in fabulous order.

Please be as kind to yourself as you can. I hope you will investigate the possibility of a new outfit that makes you feel great. You deserve it!

But if that's just too much right now, I think Ms. Mary is right. Allow yourself to stay home. Why go to an event where you'll feel uncomfortable the entire time? Do something good for yourself instead.

MsLuna

Veteran

BM: I know what you're going through. It's a constant struggle for me, as well. I used to shy away from many events because I was overweight and felt a lot less than fabulous! I'm camera phobic (I still am) because I often feel less than attractive! Plus, I'm transitioning to a new career, and it's been hard working full time and going to school! So yes, I understand WHY your spirits are down!

On the plus side, YLF has been a wonderful support system for me. Yes, I know I'm formally trained in fashion design and image consulting, but I am a lot harsher on myself than others. These lovely ladies are supportive, nurturing and will only boost you up! They will encourage you to make fashion fun again, AND you will learn how to dress for what makes you happy.

I know it's hard but be kind to yourself and know we are supportive of you! Our goal here is to help each other look fabulous, right? Posting pictures, no matter how shy/scared you are (I sure was!) really helps. Then you can build your outfit building confidence from there!

Chin up, girl know that you are beautiful and that you have every right to feel beautiful!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Biscuitsmom, we want to help you, but we need your help too. We need you to be positive and proactive. Go to the agility events and lets get you sorted right now with what you have in your closet. There is no bad in this. Only good. xo

Ledonna N.

Veteran

Bmom. You are more than enough. You are more than enough. You are more than enough. You are more than enough. You are more than enough. You are more than enough. Now repeat that to yourself make it your mantra for when you wake up until when your head hits the pillow. We are our own worst critics and so we can become our own best advocates.

Don't deny yourself the pleasure of enjoying your life because you feel like you are less than enough. You are more than enough. We are only given this moment, this time don't waist it. Celebrate yourself and your body.

Post some of the clothing that give you the best of feelings and we can help. But it won't matter one lick if you keep thinking you are lesser than. You are more than enough. Don't hide your light from the world.

Isabel

Veteran

YAY !!! What Angie said ! So let's get started. One piece of clothing that you can either get or have tailored. One huge step for mankind ! : )

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I've started this 3 times now and words cant express my deep appreciation for all the kindness, wisdom and support here..... I haven't the time right now (till Monday) to go further into this, but ((hugs)) and thanks to everyone. Meeting FB friend is kind of in doubt, she has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to spend even a few minutes with me after/before the Trials
and if I want to see them, 'I'll just have to find them' while they are there' Which REALLY hurt

nancywalters

Thank you for sharing how you feel. If I was there I would give you a hug and stand by your side to give you strength. I'm sorry you feel so much hurt.
Is there any way you could avoid the hateful people and spend time with some new faces? Perhaps plan ahead the types of conversations you'll have with others. At the event, there will be other people that you'll have the opportunity to talk to and I'm sure there will some upbeat people that will be a pleasure to talk to.
You need to feel good about yourself and wearing a comfortable, fashionable outfit will help. Could you possibly post a photo of yourself? With all the fashion savvy people here, I'm sure you'll get many suggestions.
I'm in the process of cleaning out my closets and donating many items. If you're my size I'd be glad to send something your way.

Think about what will make you feel good. You sound like a kind, sensitive, caring person. Please treat yourself well.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Can I say your friend doesn't really sound like a friend. I know events can be stressful for handler and their pet, but my friends who have agility dogs always find time to come and say hi to me.

I venture to guess that these events may be stressful to you in other ways as well, in addition to the wardrobe struggles you have outlined.

*BIG HUGS FROM ME*

Joyce B

Veteran

You got great advice and I absolutely LOVE what Ladywone said. We should remind ourselves of that every time we need a boost.
I hope things happen in a great way for you. Enjoy and don't let the negatives take over. You cannot change what others say but you can change your response to that.
Go out there and enjoy yourself.

Jules

Veteran

I understand why this is upsetting, but maybe your fb friend is feeling stressed out and overextended about this event? I know that as an introvert my social skills are the first thing to go, and also that even when I want to do a lot I have to deliberately cut back if I want to enjoy myself/function well. I know you really admire this woman but she's human (and the admiration itself may feel like pressure to her). I don't want you to feel in the wrong here, just consider that this may not be a personal rejection, just someone who knows her boundaries/limits. Dog people may not also be good people people... In other words, it's not you, it's her!

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