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Making friends as an introvert

elpgal

Veteran

If you are an introvert, how have you made friends?

My son went to a small and intimate preschool with mandatory community service and frequent gatherings. As a result, I got to know a lot of parents and made one close friend and several casual acquaintances.

He switched to a larger public school last Fall and he has done well but I am adrift It is like most public schools - it draws from the neighborhood but parents don’t spend much time at the school. I have talked to a few people but haven’t made any casual connections.

People seem to interact a lot via Facebook but I am not particularly good at engaging with people online. I did join a local moms group but it is aimed mostly at moms with younger kids. As I get older, I feel I am getting more introverted which is not helping. I am happiest pottering around my garden but do occasionally crave company! (I am a INTJ Libra if that matters.)

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34 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

Toban

Veteran

It’s hard. I have moved a lot and it’s hard to make friends as an adult. I am also an INTJ but have had to learn to be more extroverted at work. But I need to also give myself “recovery” time from those extroverted efforts. I forced myself to join a trail running group and it’s been the best thing ever for making friends outside of work. It turns out we end up in tiny little groups which is less overwhelming. Perhaps you can find a gardening group or other group related to your hobbies? Maybe a community garden group?

cjh

(website)

Veteran

You are not alone. (Haha) Seriously, this INTJ Libra (me) has experienced the same pretty much all my life. This may mean some lonely times along the way, even though we do enjoy company and know it’s healthy to have social connections.

A few things I’ve discovered and do:

~making friends can be easier when you work on some sort of project together, such as reorganizing your church library, planning a school event, or attending sewing days to make NICU quilts (examples from my life.)

~set a standard for yourself that you’ll do one volunteer thing a month, or contact one person for coffee, a park picnic, or walking date each six weeks, for example.

~just because there isn’t a deep, confidante level friendship right now, it’s important to spend some time in social settings. Go to your religious services or a club meeting. Even going to the gym, dressing up a little and going to a free summer concert or the library makes me feel less isolated.

~at times when I have an obligation and I don’t really want to go because I’d rather stay home and do my own thing, my strategy is to plan on my drive there, that I will be the one to smile and say hello, compliment someone’s jewelry or haircut, and be a listener. Even at my age, 64, I have to rehearse those conversation lead-ins, like Do you have any vacations planned this summer? I’ve learned some of them from my hairdresser - they always know how to get people to talk. I want to be a blessing to others in these simple ways.

~recognize that friendships change, grow and sometimes fade away. That you recognize you need friends and that you want to balance your introverted leanings with sociability is great. Keep on going. Your logic tells you what you need, and your analytical mind will help you develop a strategy to achieve it.

Anonymous

Do you have a job outside the home?

Although I've worked full time my entire adult life, most of it has been in jobs where I could work from home. Last year, I took on a part time job in a field I was highly interested in, that took me out of the house, out of my comfort zone (at first) and it was likely one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

I'll never forget an off hand comment my husband made month or so ago: Lisa, since you took on that job at ******** , you've become a far more interesting person. I was taken aback at first, kind of offended for 10 seconds, until I realized he was right. I was able to tell interesting stories about work, talk about things interesting to most other people (my full time job as a sales agent is decidedly UNinteresting to anyone not in the field) ,and my knowledge level about people and their lives jumped exponentially. This was a side benefit I never expected.

I'm an outgoing and decidedly UNshy introvert, but really prefer my own company to anyone else's. I have only a small handful of close friends, and find it easier NOT to look for them than to try to find more. Until this job forced me to learn to interact not just for the purposes of making a sale.

kellygirl

Veteran

INTJ Cancerian, checking in. I'm definitely not shy but I find socializing a lot of work. I have no problem at work but have had the same experience with my kid's friend's parents. I volunteered a lot when my kids were young, coached soccer, etc. to stay in the mix but as my kids got older, the opportunities for that became less and less to the point that I don't hang out with any of that group anymore. Now, socializing is pretty much limited to work and work out friends--just enough to satisfy my need for company. I volunteered for a dog rescue too where I met a lot of like minded people but some of them are C-R-A-Z-Y. (I probably shouldn't say that.) I think volunteering is a good opportunity--anything that gets you out there for a common cause. I fear I'm not very helpful except to let you know that you are not alone!

Anonymous

Almost all my closest friends have moved away in the past few years to be closer to their children and grandchildren. A little over 2 years ago I joined a health club and have made a good number of friends since then that are close to my age (some younger, some older). I always make it a point to smile and say hi to the members who work out when I do. There are some who keep to them selves even when you try to engage them in conversation, but oh well. I have made a good number of friends since then and try to make sure that a group of us get together once a month outside of the gym, shopping, movies, lunch, etc.

viva

Veteran

INFJ Libra checking in. Not sure where you live, but I've used the app Nextdoor to get to know people in our new hometown (Portland ME). I answered a posting about a book group and ended up making a group of diverse female friends who I have really clicked with. I also met a woman at an art class and asked her for coffee - we're developing a nice friendship. I work for myself and so don't have the kind of experience Lisa describes, but I joined a coworking space and have made friends there.

After about six months here and not knowing really anyone, I had a conversation with a woman who had moved to Portland about 5 years before. She told me it took two years to really feel connected and to have some real friends. That's been almost exactly my experience. It's two years next month and I have a handful of close friends I didn't even know this time last year.

It's not easy, it takes time, and it takes effort. Put yourself out there, invite someone to coffee, be open. It'll happen.

taylor

Veteran

To be honest my job as a stylist and having my own business gave me all the socializing I needed for a good portion of my work life (42 yrs.)
The easy part being an introvert was that they came to me .:)
At the end of the day I was talked out and didn’t want to socialize much .

I’ve had several deep friendships along the way when my children were young , but even they have evaporated after 25-30 yrs.
To be honest I find some people are just too needy and draining . I can’t deal with other people’s mega drama, I find it exhausting.

I think finding friendships when your children ( if you have them )..
are young and in school is really the easiest time to create and manage friendships.....so much in common and SO much fun as they grow , all-the way through prom and college years ! If those friendships last beyond those years without slipping away then you are lucky !

Have you thought about volunteering at the school.....yard duty , kitchen help, teachers aid , Docent?

rachylou

Veteran

I say, how often do you want to socialise and do you want to entertain at home?

For years I had all the socialising I could want doing dog training with Lilypup. Because you know, it segued into pack walks and dinner get-togethers and all that, besides the weekly classes. I did bookclub too. I found bookclub through Meetup.

One thing I have to say, I'm kinda a big city girl sometimes. I don't like entertaining at home. I'd prefer to host a get together in a restaurant. I like getting out.

Staysfit

Veteran

INFJ here, and I am curious how many friends you hope for? Like Toban, I have met people in a running group, and also in a book club. It takes time to meet people. Do you belong to any religious or spiritual group? Take Yoga or any group exercise classes? To meet people you need to get yourself out around people.

LACeleste

Veteran

Virgo INTJ checking in to say " I really get it and you are definitely not alone!". I experienced the same challenges after my daughter graduated from a small co-op preschool with an amazing sense of community and later, her elementary school which offered lots of opportunities for connection.

I'm self-employed at home so miss the easy camaraderie of co-workers.

I'm adrift too at the moment but want to say I'm very grateful you started this thread and appreciate the smart suggestions in the replies.

Wishing you the best as we figure this out!.

Gail

Veteran

I have moved a lot I’m my life and generally disliked it especially when I was younger however it made me able to make friendships. Of course it’s easier when the children if you have them are young. My kids swam competitively so inordinate amounts of time were spent away at swim meets all over the place in shady hotels with other parents, we were forced to socialize !
The children are all grown and gone but 3 of us still socialize but not in shady hotels anymore.
I also joined a running group to meet more people and met some great ladies. Unfortunately I have Interstial Cystitis and the running really caused it to flare so I had to give up . I was sad about that one as the group really wasn’t interested in socializing outside of the actual running.
I volunteered to help a group of Burmese refugees in our area and met people through that. No longer do that though.
I work at a food pantry every two weeks so get out and see people there, we don’t socialize outside working at at the pantry though. I have about 6 close friends mostly from the swimming era that comprise of two different groups. We socialize with our husbands and also without!

Style Fan

Veteran

INFP Virgo. Need I say more. I felt the same way as Taylor when I was working full time. I talked to people all day. I interacted with patients, staff and students. I loved my work and I miss it. When I came home from work I was ready to be alone and walk my dogs. I rarely felt the need for social activities except for a few close friends, my family and DH.
Now that I am mostly retired (I still teach and see a few patients) I could happily see a few friends now and then. Not too often. I am not great at small talk.
We moved to a new community when we retired (I do not recommend doing this) and we have made a few acquaintances in 10 years. Most of them are from the Yoga studio. I think that is the best way to make friends is through a shared activity.

elpgal

Veteran

Toban: I have moved around a lot too for grad school too and I admit that is part of the problem. I used to be garden and outdoor work coordinator for our preschool and found it very easy to interact with people while doing physical labor.

cjh: I think I might have beaten the conversation out of my hair-dresser. It’s great. We don’t say much to each other expect for ‘so you want me to just clean up your hair’.

lisap: I do. I work with a group that’s all men. All of them are in their 60s with the exception of one who is in his mid-thirties. We are a quiet bunch. A small group gets together once every month for lunch to discuss technical papers. I have worked with them for 10 years and know very little about them and kind of prefer it that way. It doesn’t mess with my head when I work. Your experience about interacting with people sans agenda is interesting. I'll have to think about that a bit.

kellygirl: Ha! Interestingly, the working out in our area seems to be of the highly efficient type. In and out of Barre or Orange Theory. I did take a cardio kickboxing class last spring and everybody was very easy going and spent a lot of time chatting. It also helped that the class was at 8:30 in the night after the kids were all in bed.

Danusia: I should do that with my old gang and have all of them get together consistently. It is difficult to schedule individual get-togethers.

elpgal

Veteran

Viva: Our Nextdoor group is full of crazy people who rant about mixed-income housing and traffic all.the.time A group of local women have opened a wine and book store and are planning to offer their space for book club meetings. I plan to check it out.

Taylor: I would love it if people came to me! Our school has a lot of volunteering opportunities but it is usually a parent per class helping the teacher with art or STEAM activities. I must confess, I find large groups of little children overwhelming.

Rachylou: I don’t like entertaining at home unless they are family or close friends. Having strangers in my personal space is a little disconcerting. I am happy to chat with folk in my front yard when they are walking by but it is low stakes stuff and most people don't even remember anything they talked about previously. I would be beyond thrilled if I could have an intimate interaction at least once a week.

Staysfit: I do go to yoga and group exercise classes but most people are in and out and on their to the next thing relatively quickly. I spent a few years learning a new language and enjoyed interacting with people. But point taken but getting around people instead of having them come to me.

elpgal

Veteran

LACeleste: I am sorry to hear that. I hope some of the suggestions these smart ladies have offered are useful to you. Friendships take effort and it is hard to start all over again.

Gail: It is interesting that moving around a lot helped you make more friends. I moved around a lot too and found it difficult because of moving in and out of people's lives.

Stylefan: In the last few years, a large swath of our neighbors have moved away because they retired and once their cohort moved away, they preferred to move closer to their children. I wonder how introverted women in the olden times managed this...

Style Fan

Veteran

I moved around a lot as a child ( 3 times in Grade one!) and found it difficult to make friends as a child.

rachylou

Veteran

Is this a dumb question? But I’m wondering what people want or expect from friendships. Company at the movies? Chat? Someone to tell how they feel? Someone to make sure they aren’t dead and the dog is fed? (Ok, that last is my mum’s, lol).

My brother is visiting. As per usual, we’re arguing - in the Ancient Greek way, not fighting - tho admittedly, I find it irritating because his education has not been as classical as mine and thus he never tries to reach Agreement and I have to tell him it’s 4 am and I’m going to sleep now, hahaha! But I mean this is what he wants of friendship, this kind of discussion and I really have to say I don’t. He was just a cute baby, so whatever.

Anyways. Back to my story. He says ‘women gossip’ and way more than men. This is what women do in friendships and they’re more interested in interpersonal interactions in this way. ‘Men talk about sports.’

I’m very much, ‘I don’t understand a word of what you’ve just said.’ I personally identify with Winnie The Pooh: I have my friends; I spoke to someone only yesterday. Tell me it’s a hot day and I’m like *Good talk!*

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am an introvert. INFP but a Leo. Somehow I seem to make new friends pretty frequently, and pretty easily. Ironically, social media has led to MORE of this rather than less. I learn of gatherings and events I would not know of otherwise, and have a chance to connect with someone online before committing to having a drink or a coffee with them, LOL. I especially seem to make new friends through mutual interests in music or art, and sometimes political and volunteer action. But sometimes it's been as simple as sitting at a bar to grab lunch and chatting with the person next to me.

It helps that my husband is quite outgoing and meets people all the time, but I have to say that I bring just as many new people into our circle as he does, if not more. But it's probably relevant to my situation that I never had children (so never had my life consumed by a parenthood role) and never moved out of the area where I was born (within a 30 mile radius) -- we don't call it Smalltimore for nothing. When you've been here long enough, everyone knows everyone. I bet I would be singing a different tune if we moved to some other town in some other state!

My bigger challenge is finding time to get together with the beloved friends I don't get to see very often. People are busy, and it's often hard to coordinate schedules.

Rachy, as for "what do you want or expect out of a friendship," hmmmm. I've never even thought of it that way. Perhaps that's the privilege of having always felt like I had no lack of friends even when my life has not been in a happy place. I want to be able to get together to share a meal or an experience (go to a museum, or for a hike, or to the movies, etc), to exchange stories and experiences, talk through issues or challenges, be there to support them when they need it, laugh together, cry together, etc. Naturally, some friendships are more superficial and some far deeper -- I think they all have their purpose.

Sorry this isn't exactly an advice-filled response. I tend to think these things happen organically when we are simply out doing things that interest us the most. But I can see how many circumstances make it necessary to put in more effort. Wishing you luck!

Anonymous

I'm INFP also. My job has a lot of interaction with people, and I hang out with my coworkers, but I'm also involved in lots of other things. In summer I'm pretty social, and try to catch up with everyone. Winter, I don't socialize at all.
The hardest part for me is I don't have friends that share all my interests, and most live at least an hour away. I don't see people more than a few times a year for the most part, between my work schedule and the distance.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I am intrigued by all these introverts on this site(I m one too INFJ,
Sagittarius )Is it that we find it easier to reveal ourselves on line than in person?There s probably a thesis in there some where.But to your question,l think it’s hard to make new friends as an Adult regardless of personality type but what Iwould say is don’t just stay at home,go out and do the things that you love to do and that way you will meet like minded people.My latest good friends have come through playing recorder in a recorder ensemble which I am passionate about.If gardening is your thing how about joining a gardening club ?

elpgal

Veteran

What I want from friends or have gotten from folk I consider friends:

1) Detailed deep discussions on topics either one of us finds interesting. I find I am attracted to passionate people and pedants who can explain new things to me.

2) The ability to remember what we talked about and the bandwidth to follow up.

3) Occasional check-ins. I heard your street is flooded, do you need anything?

4) Some overlap in world-view. There was a lot of overlap with my friends from our outdoor preschool.

Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, marital/career/kid advice are all optional.

rachylou

Veteran

Ooh. That’s interesting. I note that I like the most, people who talk about ideas and have a skill - technicians - and also a defined aesthetic. And I like it when people call it quits after a couple of hours, lol. I don’t want to be out forever!

DonnaF

Veteran

INTJ (Taurus checking in.) For supposedly being only 3% of the population, there's a lot of us here!

Serving on committees or projects at church has helped me get to know folks. I suppose working on a political campaign is another, especially if it is regarding a local concern.

Anonymous

Another INTJ Taurus here! Volunteering at two local charity thrift shops has brought some wonderful, fascinating people into my life. I like to get to know people through shared activities, so this has worked well for me. We laugh a lot and help the community, so it's a win-win. Some deep friendships have grown out of these connections.

Anonymous

I have always considered myself an introvert, but when I asked my DH and DD the other day they laughed and said I was an Extrovert because I am gregarious and can make friends with a total stranger. Yet, I love my alone time and don't like large crowds of people. I have a close social network, but it is small and yet I know lots of people.

viva

Veteran

Another benefit of having friends? Exposure to new things. Thanks to this little group of women I stumbled upon, I now play squash once a week and am learning mahjong! So crazy and wonderful.

Sorry to hear about your Nextdoor group, elpgal! Yes, we have our crazy ranters here too, but there is occasionally a diamond in the rough. Best of luck!

Helena

Veteran

Another introvert chiming in! (Cancerian, and I'm not sure about Myers-Briggs type, but an Enneagram 6 if anyone's into that lol!)

Your post really resonated with me, as has the discussion. I agree with a lot of what's been said, so I'll just add that accepting myself and my own style has helped me a LOT. I am never going to be the person who walks in and makes friends quickly. Whereas other moms at the school (for example) seemed to talk for 2 seconds and the next thing they've got a weekly coffee date at Starbucks, it's taken me years to build up my adult friendships BUT I have the best friends in the world and they have really come through for me in my time of need. Also, I really relate to your comment about wanting to have those deep conversations with people, and I've come to accept that I will have more luck with that in forums like this; most people are stressed out and busy and want to socialize in a more light-hearted way (at least in my group) and I am good with that, even though it's not my preferred style.

So all in all, I guess I'm saying that the more you give yourself space and patience to do things your way and trust that this is right for you, the more you will slowly and steadily build the relationships and social network that you are looking for - but it may take time, and that's ok. Good luck xoxo

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Another introvert here (INFJ Capricorn). Cardiff Girl, I think there are a lot of us because we get to be alone *and* with others on a forum. It's perfect, really...

Elpgal, I don't have advice beyond what others have said...each person's situation is so different. I will say that I have several types of friends. Some I've made through my work/ creative practice. Some through my role as parent. (Some overlap those categories). Many I've met during educational ventures of one kind or another. And quite a few I've made on the Internet! Amazing and a bit weird, but true!

I do think it takes time in a new city to make meaningful connections. And some towns are more open than others.

catherine

Veteran

I am an extreme introvert and find myself drained in social situations. I would second what many have said here about finding people who share your interests (and possibly your introversion). They will be likely to understand you.
As an aside, I had to chuckle about the comment regarding Nextdoor. When we relocated here, I joined so that I could get recommendations for services that we might need.
What I found were the most unbelievably paranoid, racist, classist rants posted practically on an hourly basis.
It continues to be disheartening and I just hate to think that I live near these folks.
All the best to you as you find your way.

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