Maintaining positivity

Lucy

Well, ladies, I think I'm asking for a bit of advice from you. I'd appreciate any thoughts - none of my friends have much life experience with this kind of thing.
My aunt (who is one of my favourite people in the world, and a bit of a substitute mother) was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. After the initial shock she was very positive, but her treatment has been very rocky and difficult, and it looks like it will be very prolonged. She is supposed to be having 14 months of chemotherapy all up, then radiation after that, i.e. 18 months of full on treatment (the chemo is weekly).
I now live in a different state to her, and fly back about every 8 weeks to see her. It's quite an exercise - she lives 2.5 hours from the airport - but it is great when I am there. But I'm having trouble staying positive on the phone. I try and ring her at least once a week, but lately in all honesty the news is all bad - she ended up in hospital with blood clots last weekend.
Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle this? How to stay positive for her and also for myself? Because of the distance practical things like taking food rarely work out, so I feel like I need to be there more as a support, but I'm having trouble keeping it up!

10 years ago

Off Topic

13 replies

Latest reply was from Lucy

Anonymous

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt. I'm at a loss about what to tell you, except to try and call her frequently and be as upbeat as possible. That's what we did with my mother, who had a prolonged illness before passing on. It's extremely difficult, I know, but your aunt needs strong support--a cheering squad, so to speak--to keep her spirits up.

10 years ago

Anonymous

I'm so sorry to hear this - cancer is a terrible, frightening thing to deal with . I've gone through it with both of my parents. One thing you said struck me - about staying positive and always having something good to say. You know, I don't know if that's always realistic or even what our role always is as supporter. Sometimes just listening and accepting is what is needed by the patient . Being a sounding board, just being there (metaphorically or literally) without trying to be overly sunny and optimistic is just as important as trying to have a cheery answer for everything. Does that make sense? You do what you can and in the best way you know how, and your aunt will appreciate having such a kind and caring niece. Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing .

10 years ago

Eliza

Veteran

Sorry to hear about your aunt's health. She is lucky to have your support, Lucy. Having navigated serious illness with too many loved ones, my take on what helps is:

-different people value different approaches to their illness, so use what you know about your aunt
-words aren't always necessary; sometimes just holding hands or applying hand cream when someone is weak says it all
-agree it is easy to under-estimate how important it is to be heard as one. shares discouraging moments, as well as positive ones
- it is a fine line between keeping your sites on a good outcome, without shutting down sharing of the challenges
-the message "I am here for you" can be conveyed in lots of ways. It is everything when you are ill and afraid
-even in the trenches, there may be room for a bit of humor or distraction

It can be helpful to take the treatments from a day by day perspective; it seems inevitable that the person who is ill projects into the future based on the challenges of today. There is not always a correlation, especially early on when the efficacy of the treatment is unknown.

All the best to your family. Your visits are a huge gift.

10 years ago

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Did you ever read the column in the NYT by Suleika Jaouad, which chronicled her treatment over the course of a year or two? At one point, she emphasized that what she wanted from her visitors was discussion about anything *but* cancer. She craved outside news, gossip, regular conversation. Of course not everyone is like that, and that doesn't preclude being a sympathetic ear, but it's something to keep in mind.

10 years ago

rachylou

Veteran

These are my sick rules:
-indeed, talk about something else. Limit the update, gently.
-remember feelings are contagious, so think about something else too, so you can pass on good feelings.
-this is a good time to start following the Kardashians.
-don't say positive things: say factual things.
-don't discuss what she should do or suggest what she might do, even in the name of encouragement: her list of to dos is already too much.
-if you have money, arrange for prepared meal delivery.
-ask for her advice, let her continue to be there for you.
-tell her about my dad and laugh - we banned him from hospitals because he was such a pain wanting to be there for people. The doctors would abandon the patient...

10 years ago

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I agree with Lisa and Rachy. I have a very dear friend whose wife is going through a terrible, awful battle with cancer, and she's been in this fight for over 15 years now, on and off (mostly on). They don't need sunshine blown up their behinds -- they know better than anyone else what the prognosis of all of this is, and they hate when people feed them empty lines of positivity (especially the stuff about how this is all part of God's plan, etc.). They do like to simply catch up and chat about other things, have a good laugh, and get their minds off of the daily struggle their lives have become.

I'm sorry you all are going through this. Cancer sucks, period. Sending you hugs and good thoughts. You're a wonderful niece for doing all of this for your aunt.

10 years ago

catgirl

Veteran

So sorry for your aunt. I think this depends very much on the person going through the illness - staying positive is never wrong, but I have a black sense of humor and sometimes a "sweetness and light" attitude just makes me more irritated.

Have you seen these cards?

http://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards

10 years ago

Gail

Veteran

OMG totally cool cards.

10 years ago

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Not quite exactly what you're looking for but I found it very good. There is some swearing.

http://www.timjlawrence.com/bl.....r-a-reason

10 years ago

Anonymous

That sounds horrible. And exhausting.

I'm thinking maybe shorter calls a little more often? That way you can use your best and strongest energy for shorter intervals and it won't be tiring for her.

I would first listen, then have a few pre identified topics I could use if they seem appropriate. Keeping it light doesn't have to be superficial, it can be very gentle and respectful too.

You could try asking her for advice about something or ask her how she does something you know she enjoys. Try to connect with her strengths?

10 years ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'm sooo sorry, Lucy. It's extremely hard and stressful seeing the people that you love battle with illness.

I've found that you need to talk about things that have nothing to do with the illness at hand, and refrain from constantly asking the person how they are doing. (My Mum died of cancer so I'm speaking from my own experience.) Talk about other things and about your own life. Forget that they are sick. Distraction is a good source of therapy.

Wishing you and your Aunt strength.

10 years ago

Adelfa

Veteran

I too had an aunt who was my best friend, who battled cancer for many years. I'm not sure I have a lot to add to what others have so wisely said. Your aunt knows you are there for her which is beyond price. Just remind her how much you love her.

10 years ago

Lucy

Veteran

Thank you all so much for your kind, generous, thoughtful replies. It means a lot Sharing the experience (and realising others have similar, like Adelfa) make it a bit better.

I think it is excellent advice to ring with a plan of a few fun things to talk about, thank you Isabel for that thought. We both love dogs and so a doggy tale never goes astray, and I do try to have a cute story about my son. As Angie and Eliza both rightly said, distraction is a good thing - Gradfashionista, too, that is smart! Thank you all x

Janet, I like your approach, and I think maybe I need to draw on Rachey's list! I'm laughing about your dad too, Rachey!

Alaskagirl, there is truth to that. She is not a mopey person and has a wicked sense of humour - too much moping will not suit her at all.

And yes, Bettycrocker, I will be a cheer squad when needed

Thank you Lisa also for the advice that I might just need to be a kind ear sometimes too, i.e. to let her talk when she needs to. This is probably particularly important in our family, as she can't upset some others too much.

Anna, that is a good article, I will revisit it again to remind myself...

10 years ago

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