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Losing my professional confidence ETA: Thanks and update

viva

Veteran

Hi everyone,

Just need to express some self-doubt here. Some of you know I have my own research business, and it's project-based, so work-flow is very up and down and unpredictable -- no steady stream of work. So far, that has not been a problem. I've been in business for myself for 6 years now and with the exception of one very dry period (of about 3 months) I've been quite successful.

I had a strong start to this year and was very busy. Right now, I am completely dead. Nothing. One project is very likely but I'm waiting for it to land, and there are a couple of possibilities that I am working on. That's not too bad, really -- and I have a meeting next week that could be interesting. (Yesterday's meeting resulted in an opportunity for later this year.)

But I'm struggling with low self-confidence right now. Yesterday I had a client meeting with people I know very well, and I feel like I did not represent myself well professionally. I was fine, but I was not a leader in the conversation. If I had been them, I don't know if I would hire me. And then, I came back to my hotel room and looked at their annual meeting agenda (a meeting I have attended in the past) and saw that a past colleague of mine is presenting THREE times at that conference.

This may seem like an odd thing to say, but part of me wonders if I am developing too much a blue-jean mentality. Am I becoming too casual? Am I becoming so relaxed that I can't be as powerful as I need to be in my business, so that I can push to the next level?

Do you have any thoughts on this?

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17 replies

Latest reply was from Sveta

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I'd chalk it up to just being a bit out of practice. My BF and I both go through this. I am off work for extended time while here, he is away from his profession for a year or more at a time when we are back in Tahoe. Whenever we 'jump back in' it's a bit unnerving at first. Even if it's going back to the same exact bar I've been for 20 years! So, just think practice makes perfect, and when you are out of practice, you hesitate just a bit in your head. We all play our own head games on ourselves.

abc

Veteran

We are always our own worst enemies. You are self aware, as your post shows clearly, so please try not to dwell on it or over-analyze (two of my own faults) -- pick yourself back up and get out there and make it happen. You know you have it in you. I'll bet in a few months you are back posting how busy you are with new projects.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hmm. This is a tricky one.

My first question is a really simple one.

My impression is that you've been really busy with work since the start of this year. The fall seemed busy, too. And you confirm that.

Now, a bit of a gap or a slump and that feels unusual.

But first, before we go any further -- is it? Has this pattern occurred in the past? I know for myself, when something like this happens I sometimes imagine it is the first time ever. But when I look over my records it turns out that it's part of the ordinary organic flow of things.

Your feeling of being set aside or overlooked is another matter. It never feels good to be passed over in favour of somebody else.

Sometimes when I'm getting caught up in negative and self blaming thoughts in these situations, I play a game called "parallel universe. " Of course, in moments like this you (think you) know that you were passed over because of incompetence or, at minimum, for a failure to show your competence. But making a list of all the other possible reasons can be quite illuminating. Often you will find that the real cause has nothing to do with you at all.

If that doesn't help, then, scary thought...but can you speak to them about it? Was there a specific reason they decided not to go with you? It could be difficult to hear -- but possibly helpful.

(For the record, I suspect it was something as simple as their wanting a slight change -- people feel that way sometimes, and it's not necessarily about you at all.)

Having spoken with you, I know that you are extremely thoughtful, perceptive, smart, and knowledgeable about your field. I am certain it's not "you."

Now, if it is the clothes, then there is an easy solution!

Helena

Veteran

Hi Viva, I just wanted to tell you that I do virtual executive support for a marketing consultant whose business cycle sounds very much like yours. She too has had 'slump' periods such as what you describe, which I know have nothing to do with her competence or talent, and I'm sure the same applies to you.

Perhaps it's the luck of the draw, a quiet time in the industry, perhaps even your heart is not 100% in it at the moment. Very few people can be fully 'on', driven, passionate and flawless all the time (probably no one, but I won't count Oprah out ). Can I suggest that you are possibly being very hard on yourself and perhaps a little over-analytical, which might be feeding the self-doubt you want to overcome? (I am being blunt a little - I hope that's okay - and please do ignore me if I'm way off-base!).

You clearly have a good recipe for success if you have kept a business going successfully for six years. There's always room for improvement, but keep doing what you've been doing, perhaps implementing some feedback to tweak your processes - and allow yourself the confidence in your methods that you have earned for yourself with six years of success! You are good at what you do and I bet a little time will bring the proof.

Positive thoughts and prayers your way for just the right project to land at just the right time

BethL

(website)

Veteran

What Suz said.

I've been out of the professional world for some time, so I'm not sure that anything else I add will be terribly helpful, but I'm going to take a stab anyway. Feel free to ignore me - I won't be offended!

Viva, when I met you in Boston, and, let's remember, it was as far from a professional occasion as possible, I was immediately struck by your calm assurance. You speak quietly but with confidence. You allow other people time and space to talk, and you listen. I wanted to pay attention to everything you said. I'm a curmudgeon and fairly persnickety; I don't have time for a lot of BS. Needless to say, not a lot of people have that effect on me. If that's not power, I don't know what is.

Perhaps you *were* having an off day. Perhaps the potential client didn't notice. As introverts, we're pretty good at keeping those things hidden; we're very good at being "on" even when we're not up to it, or don't feel like it. I'm sure Suz would agree. I think she's on to something when she talks about patterns. Because maybe it isn't a pattern; maybe it was a one-time occurrence. Maybe you're exhausted. And maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But I am sure it's not you. xoxo

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I understand this feeling! Suz did a great job of saying a lot of what I was thinking. Self-employment is hard (I've been at it for nearly 14 years now, with some part-time gigs here and there), and it's very cyclical. And there are times I really wonder what I'm doing, especially if I start measuring my self-worth by my income (a bad idea for any artist) or comparing myself to other artists I know who are winning awards and grants, which I don't even apply for because my works is just not suited for that kind of thing.

I wonder if the downtime is sometimes something we need to do a bit of self-analysis, regroup, and develop some strategies. It's easy to keep going along with the flow of projects when things are busier, so when the flow slows down, there's a tendency to feel adrift. Maybe this is a time to revisit your busines plan, rework your website or marketing strategy, get feedback from clients, etc.

I guess the bottom line of what I'm saying is to take advantage of this time and be proactive with it. It's easier said that done, when your confidence is shaken. I have no doubt that it's not any lack of talent or ability on your part -- just a natural ebb and flow of work. I've never known a business owner who did not have a time like this.

Good luck! I know you will be fine.

Lavinia

As a freelancer I completely get what you're saying, viva. There are periods when nothing is on the schedule and then the doubts come creeping in. Just a few hours ago, another freelance colleague asked me if I had any experience with a particular client that had been referred to her by another mutual colleague of ours. Of course, I started wondering, why she was the one who got the client and not me ... I can't help but wonder if it's beacuse I'm not good enough, even though there could be other reasons, i.e. I told the colleague who referred this particular client that I couldn't work below a certain rate and perhaps the client didn't agree with this rate.

In the past four years of freelancing, I have come to the conclusion that I need to enjoy the off times when I have them, because the next project will surely come with a tight deadline and stress.

I have no real advice, but I totally see what you mean and wish you all the best!

Isabel

Veteran

I couldn't agree with Suz more !!!!! I do want to say additionally, that one of the great fallacies of business is that everything is under our control. It is not. Sometimes things.just.happen that we cannot affect but that maybe we can learn from. I especially love Suz's recommendation of just going to these clients and asking. Consider it your own personal development. I think that it will impress the heck out of them. It should.

Hang in there.

carter

Veteran

I don't have any great wisdom for you, but I can definitely commiserate! I've had my own business since 2002. As everyone knows, the real estate market has a seasonal cycle. However, it also seems to have an annual cycle for me. Some years have been fantastic, and some have been lousy. However, it wasn't until 2010 that I sat down and did what Suz suggested...looked for a pattern. As crazy as this sounds, even numbered years can go from lousy to reasonable. Odd numbered years can go from great to spectacular. No clue why this is. If I had reached this conclusion earlier in my career, I might blame it on a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I was 8 years in when I figured out the pattern. It still holds today. It's 2014. I'm crazy busy, but there are so few homes on the market that it's nearly impossible to get anything under contract from the buy side. The market is so hot that sellers are actually finding quick success in selling their own homes. This will be a reasonable year, but way short of spectacular. Drives me nuts, but I've learned to accept things beyond my control.

Anyway, some things I've learned along the way...hopefully something will help you:

It will get better...it always does.
Growing up as a saver rather than a spendthrift has been my greatest tool in surviving and thriving in a cyclical industry.
Take advantage of the downtime to get personal things done and recharge. Hindsight regret for not using downtime for my benefit plagued me for years. Now I plan downtime projects in advance so I don't miss an opportunity to do something for me.
Taking courses (for me it's Real Estate Continuing Education) jumpstarts my attitude.
Big paydays are literally an out-of-the-blue phone call away. I sell in very good price ranges, but the biggest ones have all come seemingly out-of-the-blue. I didn't compete for any of them. Every one of the biggest ones came as a referral or a repeat client. I've spent years building my reputation, and it's amazing to me how that pays off.
Fewer big deals is far preferable for me than many small deals. There are folks in my business who focus on the lower price points because they produce steadier paychecks. I made a conscious decision years ago that my niche would be bigger deals, even if they were fewer and farther between. I work hard, but they'd have to work at least 10 times as hard to match me. Just this goes a long way to making downtime ok for me.

Relax and regroup now, because the next crazy busy period is right around the corner.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Viva: As a musician, I so understand this! I have the developed the following strategies, some of them have already been mentioned:

1. Make deposits! I'm not referring to the spread sheet here, but to human capital. Sometimes, when I feel lackluster, I need to make some deposits in my continuing development. In my case, it might be a few voice lessons to explore making some changes in repertoire or technique, a conference or workshop, new music or books.

2. Beware the spectre of the Imposter Syndrome! I'd link to a recent Slate article on this subject, but I get all sorts of weird formatting code when I do! Sorry!

3. Aim for "sustainable excellence." In music, we are always pushing for perfection, and never achieving it. "Sustainable excellence" means moving toward higher achievements in a way that we maintain for a lifetime. Sometimes I push too hard, they, in exhaustion or ennui, lay back and don't do what I know I should to improve.

4. Call in the troops! There are musicians in my life who help me remember that I do this because I'm good at it, but also because it brings me joy. They'll offer gentle, but insightful critiques and suggestions, but know that an artist's confidence is a delicate and fundamentally important thing.

Hang in there, Viva! The fact that you're asking these questions displays your professionalism and interest in being at your best.

As for fashion. Well, what happens on the outside can effect our inner state. Why not trying being on team "dressy" for a couple weeks and report back what you find?

Greyscale

Veteran

I can relate to this. I'm not a freelancer, but the way I do science feels similar. There are months when results are rolling in and months when I feel like I'm treading water.

And I'm my own worst critic, with an unhealthy dose of imposter syndrome. I'm seeing some of that in your words, too. It sounds like yesterday's meeting maybe wasn't you at your absolute best, but it also sounds like "Viva on a bad day" was still plenty good enough to impress them.

If you do enter a real dry period (happens to all self-employed consultants), is there some professional development you've been wanting to do but haven't had time? (I don't know what you do so these are all shots in the dark.) Learn a new piece of software? Read up on a new topic? Or side projects like, I don't know, learning to make a kickass website for your business.

rachylou

Veteran

Well, I too can naught but commiserate as a freelancer. I've lost a lot of my magic with the economic downturn IMO, and frankly I believe the loss is real. One thing I think that's happened is that "hotcakes" are now "waffles." High tech has matured with all attendant implications. We've gone from rolling out machines to little application ditties as the next *big* thing. You were going to talk to PBS today, right? Media is the new Pompeii. You can go around industry by industry like this.

Frankly, I think the next *big thing* is a giant down-shift in my world. I "flubbed" an interview a couple years back. I was interviewing for a project where making presentations would be part of the deal. I really don't think much of this. You get up. You talk. But the guy on the project, getting up in front of people was a big deal for him... I belatedly realised. Not that I could have helped him, because I'd never be able to anticipate his needs. However, in my field, I think this is who has a little money to spend now. Or who is left on the field. People want people who'll be OK with little, with slow, and with laying low. I've reigned it in, but it's very hard to drudge.

In short, I guess what I'm saying is - what's the state of your market right now?

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

Others who've walked this path have better advice than I could ever offer, but i just wanted to say don't be too hard on yourself. My father may have been with me for just 13 short years, but his legacy remains strong with his advice to treat myself with the gentleness and kindness I would a friend!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

You're received ample words of wisdom, so I'm chiming in to give you a virtual hug, and to tell you that you are very capable. xo

tarzy

Veteran

Viva, I've been away from YLF for some time due to a difficult family issue, but I finally had some time to pop in today (ahhh... YLF... how I've missed you...) and your post immediately caught my attention. You've gotten many fine responses, and Suz, as always, has offered a clear and concise analysis. I'm another long-term freelancer/independent business owner (copywriting and content creation for the web) and I'm also struggling with similar issues.

I don't want to confuse you so please ignore if any of this doesn't strike a chord. Along with the things you mention, I'm also questioning my big picture career path. I'm starting to feel I don't want to be on this particular path anymore. I don't even know if I want a "career" at all. (I know, I know. "I don't want this horrible career I don't actually have." I realize how that sounds!) Unless I win the lottery I will have to keep doing something to pay the bills, but I'm so tired of the new business paradigm (particularly related to any digital-related careers) - clients who expect me to be "on call" basically 24/7 but will only pay for the time I'm actually writing, impossible turnaround schedules, extreme disorganization (even in large companies), and 22-year-old VPs who yesterday were interns and today are giving me assignments. (Yikes. That sounded a little more bitter than I intended!)

I'm tired of this particular path, but I have no idea where or how to shift. It's hard to know if all of this due to the normal ups and downs of being a freelancer, the current economic climate, my current stressful personal situation, admitting my own failure to achieve whatever I thought I was going to achieve at this age (late-50s, which is another whole other topic), a difficult Mercury transit, or what.

I'm sure none of that helps you, but if nothing else, perhaps you can take solace in the fact that there is someone out there who's even more confused than you are. (Glad to help!)

viva

Veteran

Update: I'm still here.

Thanks, everyone, for your great words of uplift, guidance, and community. I have been absent for a couple of days because -- to be honest -- I felt like I had really bared my soul and I was not quite ready to come back knowing I had made myself so vulnerable. I'm feeling a bit better today.

Several of you (Mo, Greyscale) talked about being "our own worst critics" and I can really relate to that. As sole practitioner, I am my only source of regular feedback (aside from the occasional praise from a really happy client) ... and when things are not stellar it can be very hard to turn off that voice in my head.

A few of you also used the word "cycle" or "pattern" (Suz, Torontogirl) to describe what's happening right now, and that's what it is. My workload moves in unpredictable cycles -- sometimes I'm overloaded, sometimes my desk is clear, and there isn't much I can do to modulate that. I have to yes when the work is flowing, and try to deal with the dry spells as well as I can. Sometimes it's hard -- like now.

I really appreciated the words of wisdom and commiseration from independent workers and others (Janet, Lavinia, Carter, BethAnn, Tarzy, Rachylou) who helped me feel that I am not alone in grappling with professional challenges and with this specific challenge of a dry spell. When your work is not only your livelihood but also to some degree your identity, it can be difficult for it to slacken.

And thank you for those who simply offered encouragement (BethL, Isabel, Angie) -- I can't tell you how it helps just to know I have some people rooting for me.

I've got a few things starting to percolate ... a possible project later this month, a very likely one in June, a proposal to work on for PBS, and some other things still in development. Before too long I should have actual work to do, and until then I am going to keep going as well as I can, using all the advice you gave.

Thanks again.
Vivian

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Vivian, I have missed this post so I wanted to give you a big hug now! I have no experience in freelancing to offer but you already received such good advice you should be fine now!