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Loneliness

Synne

Veteran

How do you cope with loneliness? I am not necessarily speaking about solitude, but the feeling itself.

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20 replies

Latest reply was from Rebecca Anne

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I suppose that it depends why l am feeling lonely and how long it’s gone on for.l would approach it differently depending on the circumstances.l do think that occasional bouts of loneliness are part of the human condition but if they are occurring frequently l would definitely want to assess why and put in some coping strategies in.Why do you ask Synne?
Are you feeling lonely at the moment?If so ,it’s good to talk and well done for reaching out. L think people equate admitting to being lonely as somewhat shameful but far from it.l think it’s an emotion we all experience and it’s much better to talk about how we are feeling than pretend everything is ok.

Synne

Veteran

Thank you for your answer Cardiff Girl. Maybe this may be relevant for many after the pandemic and lockdowns. But generally, yes, I sometimes struggle with thoughts of "feeling alone in a crowded room".

I have read about CEN (childhood emotional neglect) and how basically your thought patterns are molded (for good) very early in life. Before even having any conscious memories about it.

Would love to hear about how others have dealt with negative thought spirals.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Cognitive Behavior Therapy does well with dealing with those things.
Working on deepening intimacy in the relationships you have also helps.

rachylou

Veteran

It’s kinda interesting. That is *the* existential question, the essential human condition - being alone in your mind. Lot of philosophical, psychology and spiritual thinkers on the subject.

On a personal and super practical level - I once did the sort of therapy where the counsellor repeats everything you say back to you. I was doing it because I thought it was a good idea while going through medical treatment for one of my many ills. This is sort of funny… what happened was I got tired of my same old chants to myself and decided I really ought to try something new. I got bored of it when I really had to listen to it, as opposed to spending all my time saying it. As for the trials of being ill, the guy did only one helpful thing there - gave me a recommendation for a different doctor.

In some ways, many ways, feelings are not something a person can reason their way out of. You have to… have a change of stimuli.

Just my musings in the general vicinity…

rachylou

Veteran

I thought I’d add, there are different sorts of loneliness… there’s no one is like me, there is no one helps me (as in people depend on YOU instead), no one I can Connect with, there’s abandoned and ignored…

Sloper

Veteran

Oh the negative thought spirals, ruminating, and the crazy straw of low self-esteem.

I'm working on the conscious effort to stop the spiral with positive thoughts ("think 3 good things about yourself" type of thing), or sensory distraction ("what do I see, hear, smell, touch, taste right now").

Connection on forums like this helps (I'm physically isolated).

CEN is exceptionally resonant with me - I send you love and empathy Synne.

Anonymous

I used to experience that feeling very often, until I got treated for depression/anxiety. If you're feeling that way more frequently than you think you should, try consulting with a licensed physician or therapist to see if medication or some other treatment might help. Feelings can get magnified when your brain chemistry is out of whack! Of course, there is no shame in feeling lonely, we all do at times, but if it's overwhelming you, there's also no shame getting help!

avicennia

Veteran

Thank you for bringing up this important topic Synne. Many researchers now believe that emotions and associated thought processes that have been with us since childhood are as much, or even more, wired into the body than into the mind. For a detailed explanation see the book “The Body Keeps the Score” about PTSD and childhood trauma. In this regard, Organic Intelligence therapy can be powerful.

Sal

Veteran

I think as a Mum with a young child it can be lonely. Especially in a pandemic. And I have felt lonely in a crowded room - especially when things have been a bit wobbly.

I can only advise what helped me
- looking at what I do have (gratitude notes or journal)
- trying to make positive connections in a quiet, non crowded settings eg coffee or walks with friends
- positive books or films or tv where I can lose myself in the story

If I start catastrophizing I try and do breathing exercises to help.

I hope you are doing okay - you are not alone as it seems many of us can identify with this.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ah, Synne. Loneliness is tough. As others have said, the pandemic has exacerbated it for many, and I do think young mothers can be afflicted very often because they tend to be isolated with the small child, and even if not isolated, in some cultures and situations, parenting is almost a competitive sport, so if you have any insecurities about your role and how you are managing it, and/or if your child is out of the ordinary in any way, it can be difficult to form intimate friendships even with others in your milieu.

I agree with those who say that taking a deep breath and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to a friend or partner can be helpful. Cognitive behavioural therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy can also be helpful, as can exercise. And getting outdoors more. In the light. Especially for those of us who live in northern climes. Seasonal affective disorder is real.

If you're an extravert, finding a group to join can help alleviate some of the loneliness, especially one based on a shared interest. And if you are an introvert, working to solidify one or two adult friendships might be the way to go. You don't need many people -- just one or two who really "get" you and accept you as you are.

Helena

Veteran

You've got so many great thoughts here Synne and I especially resonate with Sal's comments ... and I just want to send love your way and to anyone needing a little extra right now. Xxoo

Bijou

Veteran

Synne, you have received some great advice. A book that I found facinating was

What Happened to You?, Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey | 9781529068474 | Booktopia
which looks at how our childhood experiences get hard wired in the brain - but also that healing is possible from childhood trauma. I never experienced trauma as a child but did experienced loneliness because my father was very career focused and was at work or away for work most of the time. My mother suffered terribly from migraines and other illness, where she would be locked up in a dark room for a week at a time very regularly. I had to amuse myself with books and keep very quiet so as to not disturb my Mum. It was hard because I am an extrovert and like music and playing around. I was lucky to have a good friend that lived close by and was often to be found at her house.

I find having regular catch ups with certain people help keeps me connected and not lonely despite working from home full time. In addition to my immediate family, I have three friends that I am in contact with on at least a weekly basis and I attend exercise classes during the week with the same people - who now after a number of years are friends. My closest friend and I have an 8am Sunday morning date - where we go to a nearby beach and have a walk, quick swim in the ocean and then grab a takeaway coffee and have a chat about what has happened in the week. DH and I have never gotten around to having "date night" since having my son (who is now 13) which I know is naughty because all the books say you should.... but we have Saturday mornings together where we grab a coffee and have a chat whilst DS is doing his martial arts class. Both of these catch ups are an important part of my week and nurture those relationships.

Brooklyn

Veteran

I’m sorry you are feeling that way. I’ll just put in a plug for exercise. Also getting outdoors and connecting with nature. It’s helped me a lot with depression.

Anonymous

I feel much more alone when I'm around a lot of people than when I'm actually alone! I can talk to anyone about anything, but feel like a total faker when I pretend to be an extravert.
Big yes to getting out in nature

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Synne, I have no wisdom to share, other than that you are not alone in feeling alone. Most of us have felt that way at some point and empathize.

As Suz wisely suggested, we don't need a lot of people in our life. Just a few who get and accept us, just the way we are. I'll throw in how therapeutic the love of a pet is too.

I hope you find those people - and animals - and feel supported along the way. Best of luck, and take care.

gryffin

Veteran

Synne - sending much love and hugs to you. I can’t imagine there’s anyone who has not felt alone, lone, isolated, lonely. ESP in a crowd. I have certainly felt that. For me, and I can’t speak for others, I cherish deeply connected authentic relationships. Superficial acquaintances well they don’t cut it for me. I’m lucky my husband is my BFF. But occasionally I’ve had that feeling even home with him. That’s usually when I dive in for a hug. I also have found it helpful to not push the feeling away. To kind of sit with it. To try and figure out what’s driving it. Was I triggered in some way by past experiences? Am I sad? It’s also really important to remember it’s ok to feel every emotion. Emotions come and go and it won’t last forever, although it feels that way often at the time. Also watching a really sad movie - you know that emotional release can help. Of course the few good friends….zoom. Calls. Also doing something nice for someone else. Sending a card, text, little gift to someone who might be more lonely or needing more cheering up - doing good for others often works best of all. Spoiling mom-in-law that almost always works for me. Don’t know if that helps at all. But know your are not alone in feeling alone. Beaming strength and hugs to you.

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

I'm sorry you're going through this @Synne - loneliness isn't necessarily a bad thing though, it's just one of many human emotions. The problem is a society that places emphasis on *always* feeling 'positive' emotions *only* (i.e. happiness) usually does not give us the tools to cope with 'negative' emotions as a result...

I've found the biggest tool in my arsenal has been to become friends with myself. After all, when all is said & done, you alone are all that you have when both entering & leaving this world ...& that's not a bad thing either! Like @rachy said, feeling like there's no one like you.. well, there isn't! Finding like-minded communities helps, but you yourself are unique. If no one helps you... well, help from others is a bonus but the one constant that will always be there is yourself - why not use that to your advantage? No one to connect with... well, I don't know about you but, I find that I can't connect all that well with people when I'm feeling disconnected from myself. You need to put yourself first before you can help others - a little healthy 'selfishness'

As someone with *likely* C-PTSD (as told by a therapist, with whom I am working through it - since the UK unfortunately requires a psychiatrist for official diagnosis, but that's a rant for another day lol), I also recommend 'The Body Keeps Score'. Reading that book was life-changing for me (& I don't use that term lightly!)

Know that it is not you that is the 'problem' - whatever coping strategies you learnt as a child were developed from a limited repertoire. You can't be mad at a child for making do with what they had! But, now that you're an adult, you *can* instead work on expanding that repertoire, to help that inner child with tools not previously available to them It will take time (so don't get mad at your adult self for not being able to build Rome in a day), but that's what the internet is for - we're all in this together

judy

Veteran

I wonder if some of the motivation for what we do in life is to fend off a kind of existential loneliness that we can feel at times, as you say in a crowded room. I think I used to run from this feeling, and do things to avoid the simple acknowledgment of it as you've done here. One of those things being shopping! But change of scene, nature, calling friends, sometimes work to distract. One thing that has helped is just embracing the discomfort of this loneliness, instead of running from or trying to get rid of it. That and dogs! I was raised in a cat household, but gosh, dogs are very good company I have discovered later in life.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

So sorry I missed this!
How are you doing?

Rebecca Anne

Hi Synne,

I hope you are not feeling lonely by now. Either way, to answer your questions, to me it depends the source of the feeling. There are many reasons why I've felt lonely at times and each of them I address them differently even though the consequence feeling is the same, loneliness.

I hope not but if you still feel lonely ask yourself why are you feeling that way, to me it helps A LOT to write it, that way I can see the connections of my thoughts. If you want, you can write to me and I'm more than glad to help you identify the source of your loneliness.

Have an awesome weekend