Lisa, thank you so much for the detailed reply. I had to ask because impulse control is definitely an issue for me. I'm aware of it and I know I have to watch myself with potentially risky behaviours. So in my personal context, the term reward seeking makes far more sense. 

And you should never apologise for hijacking a thread with your name on it. If anyone should apologise, it's me - I can't contain my curiosity when I'm learning so much, and that's some reward-seeking behaviour right there Thanks to Sterling for another dive into this thought-provoking topic.

Approprio, I really liked your comment:

"I also applied a simple rule of thumb to any potential purchase: it had to be at least as good as the very best stuff in my wardrobe. I wore my best clothes to go shopping and made sure anything I brought home was at least as good as anything I was wearing."

This is excellent advice. I also find that my best and rewarding shopping trips occur when I'm wearing the clothes that I feel best in; my best colors, my best fit, my best confidence building clothes. Then everything gets compared to that. It makes it easier to say no to items that aren't your best color but fit.

I'm not shopping-driven, but this thread applies to me too. I am wasting too much time on the Internet as a distraction from a family member's frightful illness. I am resolving instead to go through my ITunes and make a monster playlist for relaxing and triggering happy memories. Maybe multiple playlists, but getting organized and psyching myself up to make a photo book of happy memories. I used to have one during a time when I was deeply unhappy, it needs updating. I have more than enough, it's just where I focus my attention that needs to change.

Rambling Ann -- Making a photo book of happy memories is one of the best ideas ever. I hope you decide to do it and doing so brings you comfort. A monster playlist is also a great idea.

Let us know how you are doing. We care.
Sterling

I care, Rambling Ann, and will pray for you. Music always lifts me up. I guess that’s why I’m a pianist and vocalist. I hope you find all the tunes you need to help you get through this.

I love Approprio's pleasure-principle approach to purchasing decisions. It's exactly what I use to limit junk-food consumption. I'm always tempted by sweets, and I find a blanket prohibition is counter-productive. So I ask myself when tempted, "Is this the absolute best way I could satisfy my sweet tooth right now? Is it exactly what I'm craving?" Most of the time, it isn't--it's just a random sweet thing that happens to be in front of me. So although I have my own permission to eat it if I want to, most often I end up "holding out for something better." And if I do eat it, the pleasure principle keeps me from having a second one, since the second one is never as pleasurable as the first.

Clothes shopping, on the other hand. With the best of intentions I've come home lately with things I find I have no particular urge to wear. I'm in a wardrobe building stage, after long years of no shopping, plus throwing out most of my wardrobe--twice--due to weight fluctuations. And after so many years of not shopping, I'm far from having a defined style. I'm trying a lot of new things. I guess it's too much to expect that everything will work.

But still. I now have 50(!) tops entered in ClosetSpace. Just tops. How did that happen?
  • Thrifting. I went back to thrifting specifically so I could experiment with new (for me) looks without paying Nordstrom prices. But the very fact that it's So Cheap short-circuits my normal deliberation. If it's at all interesting and looks like it has a chance of fitting, it goes into the cart.
  • Illness. I don't have seven days in a week to wear my clothes, or even just to try on outfits. I have only as many days as I'm able to get dressed. So although I have a lot of nice clothes now, it doesn't feel that way because I don't get to wear them much. And so the idea persists in the back of my mind that I need to buy some new clothes. Kind of like when I couldn't read for several years and my library grew like Topsy because I still wanted to read.
  • Illness again, indirectly. When I'm well enough to run errands in town, I feel like celebrating. So what do I do? I drop into Goodwill. On bad days, I'm limited to what I can do sitting down. I can shop online sitting down.
  • I overestimated how much I actually needed. Even getting dressed every day, I don't need nearly as much as I bought. Some simple math could have told me this up front. And I likerepeating outfits, which shrinks the numbers even more.
Well, this is turning into one of those posts that's more useful to the poster than to anyone else. I appreciate the opportunity the forum offers me to sort these things out, even if nobody reads to the bottom. And I have actually come to a couple conclusions.
  • One, I actually have lots of new clothes and really don't need any more "wardrobe building" at this time. There are no doubt some wardrobe holes but you have to actually wear your clothes to figure out what those are.
  • Two, a long illness can get you down and if shopping helps with mood management, then I'm ok with using it that way--a lot of the "healthier" options aren't available to me. But knowing I'm shopping for emotional rather than practical needs (on second thought, mood management is a practical need), I'll buy one item instead of a cartload. The first piece of chocolate gives you the dopamine hit, the rest just wrecks your blood sugar.
  • Three, bullet points are fun!

Laura G, parts of your post made me smile in agreement. I hope you have a GREAT lounge wear capsule because you deserve it for all those days you don't feel up to par.

I've pretty much given up Ross, Goodwill and other thrift/consignment stores for my resulting bad decisions. The jury is still out on Uniqlo.

And sweets? You are so on the money. Or should I say so on the dopamine? I'm starting to think the same way about restaurants. Eating at a Michelin starred place sets a bad ($$$) precedent. Same with drinking $$$ o-sake. I guess it is still fortunate that I am still able to drink cheap wine from Trader Joe's.

LauraG -- I didn't mean to laugh at you, but your last bullet was kinda funny.

Your post was so enlightening to us all. We all benefit from the wisdom of others.

I personally find when I have to write things down, one sentence leads to another which in turn leads to still one more. As I write the analysis lays itself out before me on the page. I am so glad you benefited from this post. YAY for you.

I had the same problem with thrifting as you did. I found amazing treasures that I had to bring home or I found things that were interesting and worth experimenting with.

A long illness can get you down! If shopping helps with mood management and recognizing that it is meeting emotional rather than practical needs is a huge step forward. I am all for using everything we have in life as a tool. Your solution of buying one item instead of a cartload is brilliant. I hope it works for you and I will watch for future posts from you.

And DonnaF, you too were amusing. I have to agree. LauraG should be working on developing the absolute best lounge capsule she can. I would recommend fabrics that engulf and soothe the body and soul.

My sordid confession is that I can't resist sweets. There is no amount of self talk that get me to put down a sweet in favor of something even better later. I will consume both and then still go looking for more. I have to do the "absolute nothing thing" (like an alcoholic) in order to refrain. I have tricks that help me. Most importantly, I try to avoid those people that are always pushing sweets on me (good intentionally?).

I have appreciated this thread so much. Thank you all for your really thoughtful words - I haven't been posting much in a while, but I found a lot of value in this thread.

Over the past few years, as I've had a desk job with lots of down time and lots of blocked sites (and a lot of emotional upheaval as well), I've found that I have been engaging in a lot of mindless browsing/ shopping to fill the time and divert myself. I keep trying to mitigate, but as Sterling has observed in herself, when I decide to not shop for clothes... I will find myself shopping in other ways to fill that gap (make up, household goods, kitchen gear, exotic foods, books, exercise equipment... You name it, I can rationalise it).

Next stop: impulse control.

Thank you again. This has been so helpful.

Lisa, would it be possible for you to send a link to your book? I'm not having good luck with my Googling today.

Interesting thread. I know I tend toward some compulsive behavior with shopping. I started this year with very little shopping, but this fall has seen a sharp increase. Part of it is changing seasons and itching for new pretties to celebrate my favorite season of the year, and cleaning some old things out of the closet. But part of it is a bit of coping mechanism as there are some stressful things going on in our lives right now (deeply worried about the health and safety of a family member). I'm trying to mindfully distract myself in other ways -- long walks and short runs in the woods, and some playing with my wardrobe to remix old stuff -- but I can't deny I get a kick out of shopping. It's never impacted budget or relationships, but I am aware that I'd like to step back again now that I've refreshed the fall/winter wardrobe.

Thank you for speaking up, AnnieMouse. I bought the digital version of Lisa's book on amazon. I'm sure they have other options, if you prefer paper copies. The title is Shopping Brake: Proven tips to stop shopping wrong, and start shopping right for a wardrobe you love by Lisa Deerwood.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/prod.....#038;psc=1

Janet -- What surprises me is how many of us use shopping as a distraction from really important (and scary) issues in life. I know I do. It really is the perfect distraction if you don't have other issues compounding the problem.

I have been lucky in life. I can shop with little adverse effect (other than an overflowing closet). Still this thread has been very enlightening to me. It is nice knowing I am not alone. I suspect if I had to deal with a tenth of what other Forum members deal with every day, my shopping/buying would get out of hand.

Sterling, thank you! I appreciate the link!


AnnieMouse
, you probably couldn't find the book because the title is spelled wrong here--it's Shopping Brake.

I don't think impulse control is your next step. I think your next step is meeting your needs for pleasure, comfort, diversion--those needs that are currently being met by shopping. If it's specifically feeling bored and frustrated at your desk, can you make your work environment more pleasurable? Art? Flowers? A beautiful lamp or pen cup? Can you listen to music with earbuds? Can you get out in the sun for five minutes now and then? If you have a lot of down time to fill, is there something you've been wishing you had the time to learn? You can't learn to ski at your desk, but what about a language, or...? Ok, so I don't know your situation and all these suggestions could all be way off the mark. But I'll bet if you step back, you can think of more ways to please and occupy yourself than just shopping.

Sterling and DonnaF -- You've identified a wardrobe hole for me! Not loungewear, because I'd have to get up and change into it, but better pajamas! And more of them, since they get so much wear. (My husband thanks you.)

Sterling, I totally sympathize with the sugar addiction. I have sat at a party and eaten every single piece of candy in the bowl on the coffee table, acutely aware of everyone watching me do it, but unable to stop myself. If abstention is working for you, more power to you.

My shopping is often very similar to what Greyscale described--I buy things in order to have more time to decide on them. I don't see this as an unhealthy thing at all. But there are other times when I cruise shopping sites for reasons that are clearly related to other emptinesses in my life that should be resolved differently. Sometimes I buy then, sometimes I don't; either way, it probably isn't healthy. I've been reading about neurotransmitters for the last couple of years, so that chapter sounds interesting.

I have not gotten to the chapter in Lisa's book that speaks to neurotransmitters, Fashiontern. I paused my reading to conduct this exercise. Now that I have established (and admitted to myself that I am a compulsive shopper), I will resume reading this weekend. If I find discover anything I think the Forum would appreciate, I'll post about it. That way we can all be part of the conversation.