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Life updates!

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

Hi all. I hope everyone has had a good new year. I've been trying to stay positive but it's been very hard.

I am struggling with a few things right now: one of our kitties (Nyx) was diagnosed with FIP (deadly viral disease) right before the Xmas. Luckily, she's in treatment right now and doing well but we'll have to see how she does in a few months.

Even though I work remotely, work has been extremely busy and stressful and I'm not as productive as I used to be. My self-confidence is at an all time low and I'm second guessing myself at work, making simple errors. I feel like I need reassurance and affirmation all the time. The "kids" at work are bright, young, and ambitious and while I oversee them, we are at different stages of our lives. I just can't relate to their level of ambition anymore. I shouldn't compare myself them but gosh it's hard.

Which brings me to feeling a bit lost. Working in the same field for 24 years takes its toll. I'm burnt out. Tired. I need a vacation. I need change, but am too scared to do anything about it, especially since I'm the breadwinner in the household. (Hubby lost his job last summer).

So many things come to mind like "who am I?" and "what do I want to do with the rest of my life?" and "what's going to make me happy?" I feel stuck. Is this just me or is anyone feeling like this? Is it menopausal? I just don't know anymore.

(Let's not get into body image right now. That's a whole different story. And fashion, what fashion?? Okay, shoes are still in the picture!

Thanks for listening.

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25 replies

Latest reply was from unfrumped

slim cat

Veteran

Sorry to hear about your kitty - hope she will pull through.
Same feelings on the current situation - lots of young girls at work having busy life ( dating, breaking up, shopping, etc...).
I'm technically not the breadwinner but I'm the only one with steady job. Just in the mode "survival", "make it to the next season", "hope it'll get better"..
Couple times my brain got stuck on idea of winning lottery tickets - I've spend $2 just to show my very logical self that it's not going to work -lol.
I hope by the time summer arrives I will feel better ( and so everyone else ).

Anonymous

Beautiful kitty! Hope she is well soon Sorry about the lost feeling. I started to participate in activism causes last year and that has helped me to find some footing. When volunteering you can pick and choose level of involvement. I know it sounds like added work on top of job. But it is very rewarding. It might help you to answer some of your questions. Keep engaging with Fabbers for support

LACeleste

Veteran

Hi. I am so sorry to hear about Nyx. Sending warm thoughts for healing and recovery. I understand how worried you are.
We are peers and I totally relate. I'm feeling many of the same feelings and while I don't have answers, I want you to feel supported and know you are not alone.
The pandemic has made us all weary and exacerbated any crises of confidence we might be having. This too will pass and better days are coming!
I'm happy your fantastic shoes are still in the picture! Be kind to yourself, please.

Anonymous

Sweet kitty We lost our beloved cat very unexpectedly and tragically just before Christmas . It was a tough time for everyone . I don’t know how old you are , but I too hit the wall with my job last summer , and after working 7 days a week for months trying to recover from the hit Covid took to my income , I finally decided to retire early from my sales job . Burning the candle at both ends was more than I could manage at the age of 59, lol . I’m now working part time and am much happier - but I also am lucky to have a husband who has no interest in retiring right now unless Air Canada ( his employer ) completely implodes . Post menopause is such an individual and unpredictable time that I’m positive no two women experience it the same way . I think I know what you mean regarding a lack of energy / ambition in terms of career . My moods were all over the place too , but now that I’m out the other side of menopause , I’m fine . I also stopped drinking , which has made a huge difference to my mental and physical health . Hang in there - things eventually do get better , or you will make sure they do .

rachylou

Veteran

Tbh, I’m a crabby old lady and I find you very generous, citygirl. I work with many young people and I find few both bright and ambitious. When I come across one who suggests something genuinely new, I kiss the ground they walk on... ahem. But maybe none of that is truly age-related. Mercy!

Jules

Veteran

I know a lot of people struggling right now simply because they are limited in the things they would normally do to cheer themselves up - everything from planning and going on vacations to simple trips out for coffee at a local cafe or to browse a boutique. Could that possibly be a factor?
The midlife stuff is very real though, so I’m not discounting that at all. I’ve experienced a work burn out and had to take some time off. I’m in a much better space now in part due to changing roles within my company to something with more reasonable expectations and a supportive team of peers.
Shoes are always there for me too, lol. Jeans too tough to fit? Shirts not fitting the way they used to around the midsection? There’s always a cute sneaker around the corner!

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so rubbish at the moment.Idont think it’s at all surprising given what’s going on at present.l know lots of people whose confidence is rock bottom at the moment due to pandemic pressures.and having a sick pet can’t help either.
Its great that you can talk about it and get support.
Be kind to yourself,you are doing the best you can at this moment.
Things will change in time so hang in there and don’t make any big decisions whilst you are feeling like this.

Anonymous

Hugs! Sorry about sweet little Nyx, but glad she's doing ok.

I'm with you in the burnt out breadwinner boat, and this miserable weather doesn't help! It's ok to not feel ambitious about work anymore, to give the "kids" a chance to shine. It is important to have something you Are passionate about though- and it absolutely doesn't have to be for profit.

Minaminu

Veteran

Sorry to hear about Nyx, wishing her a speedy recovery. It's never easy when our fur babies are not well!

I understand the stress of being the breadwinner (it has been interesting for me to see the other point of view in 2020) and it can be very draining.
I just started a new job and even though I am super excited about the role and the team, I set myself a deadline of 4 years as I am yearning for a change of lifestyle which financially cannot be done right now. Still, it doesn't mean that it is not possible to start creating as path as it takes time to learn what you want to do next. Can you change your role within your organization, could this bring some sparkle back?

Does your other half also wish for a lifestyle change? As a breadwinner, it is tricky to approach this topic and it takes time to talk and build a common vision, mr Minu and I are still talking what this could entail but at least we agreed the country and the region where we will move.

kellygirl

Veteran

So much sage advice here. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and I can relate to the burn out. I feel like this is a constant theme in my life these days. I can't speak for the "kids" at work but you can ask me about managing cranky, rigid mid-lifers...not much fun either. Agreeing with the above about talking to your partner about how you feel and where you want to be down the road. It's a sensitive subject for sure but if you're struggling... I know this is a huge oversimplification but I apply some of my shopping strategies to life/work decisions--let it sit in the cart before pulling the trigger.

ETA: Hugs to you and kitty!

catherine

Veteran

Ugh, it sounds like you’re struggling right now, and I am sorry to hear it. I hope your kitty gets better. I also hope you’re either able to make a professional change or find new energy at work.
Whenever I see your posts, I think of you as a competent and lovely person.

Runcarla

Veteran

Do you have a retirement plan? Both DH and I were approaching our ‘best before’ date when DH scored a lateral transfer into a dream job that entailed relocation, and I managed a transfer to Head-office. We both worked another 4 years and retired together with just over 30 years with our respective employers.

The change of venue did reinvigorate us both, so we ended our careers on a high, but prior to that there was some tough slogging. During those years we made sure to get our financials in order, and we put some serious thought into what we wanted to do after retirement. Our wise financial advisor suggested we start doing some of what we envisioned doing in our retirement 10 years before we actually got there, in order to confirm that was how we wanted to live! With the pandemic some things are out of the question, but other things aren’t. Even though we are in comfortable circumstances, the inability to plan or do all the fun stuff, is frustrating.

Chances are you are doing fine at work, but having reached a degree of ‘unconscious competence’ you might not feel as vigorous as the young’uns you supervise appear to be. You probably already hold the brass ring they are striving to grab as well as a depth of corporate knowledge they don’t. Consider your team your legacy, and be a mentor to their success as individuals and as a team. Maybe their gratitude for your leadership will replace the need for validation from superiors?

*DH is in contact from time to time with his workmates even though he is retired, and the manager types are reporting that the younger staff - working from home - are requiring much more encouragement and affirmation this past year.

kkards

Veteran

Even though I work remotely, work has been extremely busy and stressful and I'm not as productive as I used to be.
lets be honest, none of us are...and the longer this goes on, the less productive we become...its just what it is, please please please don’t think its just you....WFH is nice, but especially for organizations that were not WFH before, there are many challenges and a lot of patch work stuff to make it work. I bet if you asked your colleagues (at least the ones who are honest, they would say the same thing)

My self-confidence is at an all time low and I'm second guessing myself at work, making simple errors. I feel like I need reassurance and affirmation all the time.
Yes to this as well. For me, so much of what i made work at work, was connecting with others and connecting one project to another. This working from home has, at least for me made so many of our projects feel disconnected. And its hard to pick up the nuances and figure out what the stumbling blocks are. For example, we upgraded/changed over a major system last week, and i would hear the stress in my team, but it was hard to pinpoint what to do and how to minimize it. If we were in person, we would have reviewed it together and reached out to the project manager, instead it took about a day longer to start to get some relief. I will also say that this is were my being old and cranky came in handy, because i was the 1st of 15 manager who raised my hand and said this is not working, its amazing that right after that, 8 other manages chimed in and the project manager finally scheduled additional training.

The "kids" at work are bright, young, and ambitious and while I oversee them, we are at different stages of our lives. I just can't relate to their level of ambition anymore. I shouldn't compare myself them but gosh it's hard.
ok, this one i dealt with about 15 years ago, originally not by choice, and then overtime I’ve found my way. This is something that you will need to work thru, but take your time....I’ve made it clear, to myself, and to those who i work with, that I’m dedicated and aggressive about the business, but not about getting ahead. Instead I’m ambitious to get them trained and support them in what they want to do...this has served me very well, as now both my VP and SVP are “kids” i hired and trained..and so i feel a sense of accomplishment and security

ok, that was a lot of writing to say, hang in there, you are not alone, and remember that your job isn’t you and yes it’s stressful to be the breadwinner (single so I’ve always been the only breadwinner) but its not forever.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Naz, it's absolutely awful when our pets are ill. Relieved to hear that kitty is doing better. Sending love and healing thoughts. Hoping for a fast recovery.

As for how you're feeling - you are not alone. Everyone can relate to this in some way, and especially if they live the US where things have been unprecedented for 11 months in all sorts of ways. It's been extremely stressful, and we are still in the thick of it.

We both turned 50 recently, and it's only human to look back - and forward - and feel overwhelmed by it all. If hubs is looking for another job, maybe you can treat this like a joint project? Look together, and see where it takes you? To a new city or country, perhaps? To a new set of goals and priorities. A new adventure to look forward to together.

HANG IN THERE. It will get better. One day at a time. Onward we go!

bella

(website)

Veteran

I am sorry for your kitty, hope she completely recovers, and soon.
I can relate to your struggles. For different reasons, I am questioning my life choices, and it is hard. Much love and hugs to you.

Joyce B

Veteran

I hear you on your the thoughts that you are sharing. Life, not just lifestyle is a major consideration for me at this point.
Although not easy, at least you can WFH, but it all comes to balancing choices for one’s life and the available income.
I hope your kitty does well and is with you for a very long time .

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I am so sorry! Can commiserate with you on many levels, including that I’m giving some of my son’s outgrown clothing to a new co-worker who has a 1-year-old daughter and is less than half my age.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

I feel you on all of this. I'm lucky I work with all people my age and older. We rarely get anyone in young.

I remember when i 1st felt this way I was 29 and the soldiers were 18/19/20 I felt so over it and where I was at the time. Although I left the army I still worked in the same field. Here I am 29 years later. Hang in there. Things that make me feel useful and happy I no longer do. Because of the pandemic. It is really hard as a solo parent I am the only and the breadwinner. I will most likely work for the rest of my life. Seasons change in our life Hang in there or be willing to make a change. The best advise I have it may sound harsh but we have the power to navigate our life somewhat. I'm just thankful to still be here.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Naz, I'm sorry about your kitty but glad she's doing better -- I hope treatment continues to help!

It's been a hell of a year, and so many of us have struggled. I have no advice for you, and so many others have given some great words of wisdom, but I want to let you know you have my virtual support! I wish we could get together in person -- it's been way too long!

Bijou

Veteran

I hope things get brighter for you and your family. Having a pet with a life threatening condition is so tough and they are so precious, and what with Covid lockdowns and restrictions, it is no wonder you are feeling down.

I hear you on the missing out on holidays. Would it be possible to take or plan a stay at home vacation? I have some house and garden renovation projects that are seriously overdue and am looking at my Easter break to get stuck into them. Planning these with DH is fun and something that we are working on together.

My DH is REALLY missing not travelling. We had a trip to Japan booked in 2020 which was cancelled and have been advised that it may be 2024 before international borders come down... DH is taking this as an opportunity to learn to speak and read Japanese before the next trip there.

MsMary

Veteran

Aw, hugs to you and your sweet kitty! I can relate to that "stuck" feeling -- every day is just like the last, and many of the things I liked about my job (lunch with colleagues, talking to colleagues, running errands at lunch) are now gone and I just sit alone in my office all day long. Ugh. And yet I feel lucky that at least I get to leave the house every day!

Much love to you and your family and here's to better days ahead!

Helena

Veteran

Well, I don't think there much I can add to the great wisdom and suggestions you've gotten already, except to say that I'm so sorry about kitty and about the stresses you are going through. I do suspect you are probably being really hard on yourself too ... I think many a brain is fried from stress, too much Zoom/digital time, lack of normalcy, etc., and the fact that you don't feel at your sharpest makes you a normal human being at this point in the pandemic! Half the time I don't even know what day we're on Hang in there, and know you are not alone x

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I am super late here, and probably have nothing intelligent to add -- just -- I hear you, I feel this, and oh, your sweet kitty!! I'm glad that she seems to be doing better.

So many of us have struggled in this time. It's hellish, truly. You are not broken and you are not alone.

cheryl

Veteran

Your kitty is so beautiful and i pray she will continue to heal and feel better. Life is just hard and different these days for many of us. Sending virtual hugs and good thoughts for brighter days ahead.

unfrumped

Veteran

It's not you, it's the pandemic!
Of course that can also intensify some other hidden hopes and wishes--not a bad thing per se, but during pandemic, I think we all have less bandwidth and other resources to deal with contemplating other changes. No brilliant advice here, but some great thoughts from posters above. You're not alone, you're not weird--lot of self-care needed to compensate for thing's we've lost being able to do. Maybe also doing for others but in a way that feels energizing to you, not a burden, someone (s) or something outside the box? And maybe pick and choose a couple of the suggestions above that resonate with you for keeping up your spirits.
Funny about "the young people". I can related to that in later years of my career, and is why I changed specialties and jobs to find a new passion after "first retirement", though did eventually retire from that also.
Also, interestingly, finding that while young people have energy and ambition, they may also have a lot of "needs" and distractions related to their own issues--babies, childcare, fatigue--and can rely on the "old guys" to double down for that. Yet I remember those times in my own life. Including the sandwich times.
And you'd think I have it made in the shade, being retired--and I am truly grateful and find many moments of joy, inside of the pandemic--wow, I can do this, or that. Almost but not quite feeling guilty--instead, remembering, joy is allowed! But now one year has passed and I have not been able to do SO many things that were on "the plan", very much including actually being with other people to avoid/reduce the relative isolation of retirement after working constantly in the presence of others for decades. And I sometimes beat myself up for not being more efficient, more productive.
You're not alone, but it may seem that way. Sending positive thoughts your way.