Let me tell you how messed up my thinking can be - YouLookFab Forum

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Let me tell you how messed up my thinking can be

Anonymous

I lost a little bit of weight and the majority of the bottoms in my closet ceased to fit. I continued to wear the over-sized bottoms all through January and February while I searched high and low for new replacement bottoms to wear to work and dressy casual events.

There is no way anyone could believe how much I shopped in February. It was my primary project and I became obsessed with shopping/buying/testing/returning. When I could not find "longs" or "talls" in the store, I bought them online in multiple sizes/styles/colors after having tried them on in the store to assess fit. I finally settled on two pair of WHBM slacks (navy and black in regular) just this past weekend.

I am thrilled with these pants on so many different levels (fit, fabric, color, care). They could not have been more perfect for me (and I know because I literally tried on hundreds of pairs of slacks across every retailer I could think of).

So this morning when I was deciding what to wear, I reached for an older over-sized pair of slacks that I don't feel fabulous wearing, but that haven't achieved a "reasonable cost per wear." I reached past my new beautiful slacks for a tired, poorly-fitting pair of slacks!!

WHY? It made no sense whatsoever. What is wrong with me? Do I feel I don't deserve nicely fitting clothing? Is there some sort of guilt involved here?

I did come to my senses and I am wearing my new slacks in navy. I feel fabulous. Tonight I am going to collect ALL of those tired and over-sized slacks and get them out of the house. There will be no more decision points like what I experienced this morning. There will also be no stress about getting rid of "perfectly good clothing."

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White House Black Market

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Dressing

34 replies

Latest reply was from Angie

Aquamarine

Veteran

I agree with you about just getting rid of items that no longer fit. It declutters the mind as well as the closet. As far as guilt, it helps me to think of someone less fortunate than me wearing an item I am giving away.

unfrumped

Veteran

Hahaha! I love this post!

I have had some lightbulb moments related to this because I finally figured out where the lightbulb was. Some of it is related to your FitFitFit ( I bow to you) and to other experiences.

You know the oft- repeated mantra of “ I will buy less but buy better quality “. Of course I understand that and understand I sometimes buy a cheap top or on-sale top that wasn’t perfect when maybe I passed up a lovely top I deemed out of my range , yadayadayada.
I’ve had what’s a small weight gain but for me enough to change a size or fit completely, so done things fit not quite right and I don’t feel great in them. Some of these were favorites and I’m sad they don’t look right and also feel bad like it’s my fault.
BUT the kicker is I still have enough to wear, I just need to focus on those items.
Shopping for new is okay but if I do too much if it, I just keep putting myself in a lot of things that DON’T fit ( it’s true, I can say it’s not me, it’s the clothes, or I’m picky, but still that affects the experience)and somehow my brain thinks that out of all of X - number of items, something SHOULD fit or somehow I deserve one thing to work, and I’m at risk for settling.
In addition, if I keep wearing my not-faves, I allow “bad-fit-creep “ into my wardrobe plan instead of keeping the bar high so I can compare any new item with my best items. Also to try to do one- in/ out I need that comparison. Circling back to the mantra, that doesn’t quite resonate with me, for unclear reasons, because “ quality “ sometimes means different things and in fact I’ve got goggle- eyes for excellent quality garments that don’t quite fit me! Fabrics and construction that just make me drool but that don’t fit ME. ( I know that’s not what it’s supposed to mean, but see, that’s how messed up MY thinking can be!)
My epiphany is in here somewhere, and part of it is that I may just need a brain transplant, but I need to relax more, I know what silhouettes and fits I love, I have some of them, I have enough to wear, I can get new great- fitting things if and when I find them, I don’t need to wear the things I don’t feel quite right about.

RobinF

Veteran

Maybe you want to keep the new ones for "good"? I could see myself doing that. Definitely get rid of the old ones so you aren't tempted.

UmmLila (Lisa)

Veteran

you're tempting me with those plaid pants, Sterling.

Anonymous

Unfrumped -> EXACTLY.

Thank you, Aquamarine and RobinF. That helps a lot.

UmmLila - The pants are really nice. I have worn them twice now. No bagging in the knees. The fabric feels very rich against my skin (and I am sensitive to fabrics). I haven't washed them yet.

Glory

Veteran

You are not alone! But so happy to read that you are wearing the new, make you feel fab, navy pants!

Anonymous

Thank you, Glory. It took some mental gyrations to allow myself the luxury of wearing them. I do feel fabulous.

Toban

Veteran

Sterling, I see so many positives in what you wrote, in the order I saw them. 1) you are well on your way to your goal of losing weight; 2) you carefully assessed fit and didn't settle for close enough when replacing your pants; 3) although you grabbed a too big pair, you found it unsatisfactory and switched to a perfect pair; and 4) you’ve decided to move them on. Well done! This is fantastic.

Yes, it can be frustrating to pass on an item that didn't achieve a reasonable cost per wear. I appreciate Marie Kondo's philosophy on this. It's similar to the sunk cost fallacy. My paraphrase is this: The money is spent and can't be unspent; focus on whether it brings you joy now. I understand this completely. Today I am passing on an infrequently used REI rain jacket that I had bought a year and a half ago, just a half year before I started my weight loss journey. I've worn it maybe 10 times. One of the worst cost per wears of outdoor gear that I've ever had. When I put it on this weekend I was swimming in it. But I needed a lightweight rain jacket. So, on Saturday I replaced it with an amazing urban Arc'teryx rain jacket in my new size (yay!) and am passing it on to a very good friend who wears my larger size who I know will appreciate its quality and color.

Sisi

Veteran

I do the same with a bunch of old clothes: they fit, they even flatter me, but I have worn them rarely because they made me feel unhappy, for a series of reasons. Well, in no way I can get rid of them. I recently realized that unconsciously I feel that I have not "amortized" the expense. If you will be able to get rid of all your ill-fitting clothes I will be happy for you.

Katerina

Veteran

Oh Sterling, this is such a great post! I recognize the kind of behaviour - I do similar things. I often reach for the "second best" rather than the "best" item. Despite the fact that I have many great items which for me qualify as "the best", if it makes sense. "The best" are more than enough actually. I have been reflecting over why I do it. I think it is because I somehow try to save "the best" to last longer, because I want to have them forever and because I feel they are impossible to replace - i.e. complete nonsense. Thank you for this post, it is very helpful to start to reflect over our "messed up thinking".

Wholeheartedly agree with Toban. High five to you!

karen13

Veteran

Yes to what everyone is saying. Me too! I even haul things out of the donate pile which doesn’t make it out of the house often enough. Guilt is a huge driver for me personally. I have started trying to give the higher cost item that don’t fit (gear especially) to people i know with the statement “if it doesn’t work fo you or your daughter, please donate.” That helps me feel better.

Colette

Veteran

"The best way to enjoy your favorite things is to only own your favorite things." I cannot remember where I read this, but it's been my mantra this month.

I'm so happy you ended up wearing your new pants and are getting rid of the poor fitting pants. For me this is the only way to force myself to wear my 'best' clothes all the time. I will reach past something I love for something so-so, over and over. It is a difficult habit and mindset for me to change but I continue to work (struggle) through it.

Think about how hard you worked to find those perfectly fitting pants, now enjoy the heck out of them!

Christina F.

Veteran

Hah, if it were me, I wouldn't put too much stock into what I reached for on a Monday morning! Once you pass on those pants, problem solved. It sounds like you're ready to give yourself permission to enjoy the new pants.

JAileen

Veteran

Sterling, I do that, too. Good for you for donating the old baggy pants. I need to do the same.

Nomad

Sterling, I think a lot of us have that problem. As you've already determined, the solution is to remove the not-right items so they're not even an option, and they can get a second life with someone else. (My big stylist-driven closet audit at the end of 2017 was my way of doing this, too.) That's a huge revelation!

You put in so much work and effort and thought to find pants that make you feel great; you totally *earned* those pants and you should have and wear things that make you feel fabulous.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

You crack me up. Thanks for being honest.

Sterling, clearly, you are more focused on cost-per-wear than fit. That's the wrong priority, and I know you are trying hard to change the habit. Good job.

Get rid of the items that don't fit, now.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

This is a great post thank you for being so honest.I do this and haven’t really thought why until now.Of course my reasons may not be your reasons but for what it’s worth I think I m worried about spoiling nice clothes so I save all my nice stuff for “best”.I also very strongly associate clothing with how I feeling on that day.So for example if I was starting a bad cold and wore a new item of clothing on that day I would always in the back of my mind associate that piece with feeling unwell so l think to avoid “contaminating “the clothing with a bad first wear I only wear it on days when I’m feeling good.This doesn’t hold true once I ve worn the item it’s only the first wear.Weird or what but there you go!

Barbara Diane

Veteran

Such a useful post. A pat on your back for figuring it out before you left home.

Cardiff girl, I have only the extreme version of your first wear thing-funerals. Now I’ll try getting my first wear in first. Thanks for writing about it as I wouldn’t have thought to change the first wear.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Barbara Diane and Cardiff Girl, I have a skirt that I wore for a funeral on an early wear (maybe the second), and it's SO hard for me to wear it now. I have no problem with the items I wore with it, both well-used essentials, but the skirt had so few memories attached when I wore it that it sort of filled up the whole tank immediately.

Sterling, I have the cost per wear issues, too, but I'm glad you gave yourself a break here. This is different than a cycle of constantly buying new clothes and then wearing them over perfectly good older pieces. That would be a problem. What you've done is careful shopping to fill a need that your old pants weren't filling. You DO deserve clothes that fit, and someone in your old size will appreciate the clothes that no longer fit you.

Elizabeth P

Veteran

This is a great post, Sterling, as always. And some great responses too. I have done this exact same thing, grabbed clothes that are too big in the name of "comfort", but looking sloppy doesn't feel very good either.

So glad you figured yourself out before you left the house, and actually DID something about it! I will take inspiration from you and move some things out of MY closet.

PS... I think you'll really enjoy those blue pants. I got some similar this winter, and love them. Great for pattern mixing.

Banana Republic

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cindysmith

Veteran

Yeah, my brain is broken like that, too. Good for you for overcoming it!

Style Fan

Veteran

This is a great post, Sterling. I have some weird thinking about my clothing. I wear my old clothes and save my nice clothes for ........ Leftover from my childhood. I am 62. I better start wearing my nice clothes soon.

Gigi

Veteran

Sending hugs to you, Sterling! I have this issue too....and it looks like a lot of us do, judging from the comments above.

I think you can pat yourself on the back for noticing immediately what you had done, and why. And then you took immediate action. And you plan to remedy the temptation by removing the clothes that don't fit. Yay! We can't control how we feel about situations (feeling like you have to reach for the old pants), but we can control what we do about the situation.

I think if we keep too much stuff around that we don't want to wear, we create a lot of emotional clutter for ourselves, which makes us less emotionally available for others. So when I am struggling with getting rid of an item that is no longer worn, I just think of how much more "open" emotionally I will feel if I'm not holding on to the item.

Anonymous

That IS messed up.
I think cost per wear is a bad thing for a lot of people. It should not be a goal. Just a yardstick to see whether your current buying habits are working or not.

Gigi

Veteran

Smittie, yes, that is how I use CPW: to find out whether the stuff I'm spending money on is getting worn or whether I need to change what I'm buying. I also find it very helpful for identifying the longevity of an item: how long does it last before it falls apart, and did I get my money's worth out of it before it died? If I keep noticing that certain fabrics or brands fall apart before I've gotten what I feel is an appropriate number of wears from them, then I need to change what I'm doing.

Anonymous

I should have put some smileys around what I said....sorry! It was meant lightheartedly

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Sterling, first of all, we've all been there -- one way or the other. Trying to fit into clothes that really are too small...or trying to pretend that too-big clothes are still "passable" because we spent so much money on them and/or love them.

You are doing the right thing in getting rid of the clothes that don't fit. Banish them! Someone else will be SOOOOO happy to have them.

Anonymous

It seems totally reasonable to get a little crazy with the rules when you've made such a dramatic life change.

As for cost per wear..

I confess I'm more "value per longevity", because sometimes there are things that are just so great to have when you need them, but don't get worn that often before I want to move them on to their next life. If I don't have to spend an hour sitting on the bed feeling sorry for myself because I have to get dressed for something unusual that's worth a lot.

Luckily I wear my day in day out clothes constantly so it all balances out.

Emily K

(website)

Veteran

Sorry--I haven't been able to keep up with my reading lately and so I've not read all the responses. But! I feel the need to mention that I think CPW and target number of wears is really only useful at the time when you are weighing a purchase--not after! You hope to buy something that will be worn enough to justify its purchase in terms of wallet cost and the cost to Earth/society. You carefully consider how the item will be used and how often it might be worn. If you find out, after, that you've made a mistake, punishing yourself by keeping the item in your closet or forcing yourself to wear it makes no sense at all.

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