Kids, parents, discipline, ack! - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Kids, parents, discipline, ack!

Helena

Veteran

Hey, not sure if this is a little TOO off-topic but thought I'd try you wise ladies ... how do you handle the stress of friction between kids, and the ensuing friction with other parents?

In particular we have one family who have a tendency to be a little more attentive to our kids flaws than their own. For example, they correct our kids (which I am fine with, once it's done respectfully); however, if my kids (younger) have anything happen to them, they will correct my kids for tattling!

Anyways, I know everyone's difference; I don't doubt I have my own blind spots. I really don't want to be one of those parents who thinks other people's kids are awful.

The stress makes me feel ill though, and I actually avoid get-togethers with certain people because of it. Thoughts? Advice? How did/do you survive without having a breakdown?!? Thanks wise ones!!!

Off Topic

18 replies

Latest reply was from harmonica

DonnaF

Veteran

So sorry you're going through this. This good news is that kids grow up and their behavior changes, and the even better news is that the people in question aren't your relatives so they may be easier to avoid. I'm sorry I can't offer real advice other than recognizing that some groups and people are more accepting so that in their presence situations de-escalate rather than escalate.

Deborah

Veteran

This can be a ticky one:) I guess it depends on how important these friends are to you and the impact (if any) it is having on your children. If they are not particularly close friends and it really bugs you then perhaps just don't spend much time with them. I am not sure how old your kids are but we have one good friend who does this a little and I just take Master 11 aside and have a chat with him and try to explain that our friend is a little one-eyed when it comes to his kids and that if Master 11 has a problem just to come and quietly tell me. I assure him that I am watching and I know what is going on.

Helena

Veteran

Donna and Deborah, THANK YOU so much ... honestly, your responses have me feeling 100% better already. I am able to limit the time spent, and Donna your reassurance is so appreciated. Deborah, great idea to mention to the kids that I know what's going on - that will help esp. with my older one who is obsessed with fairness at the moment (*sigh* ...)

This too shall pass - in the meantime, so lucky to have you ladies to gain advice from!

greycat6

Veteran

Ugh. This is can be so awkward. Good for you for asking for advice.

I have been in a similar situation and have done as others have advised which was to limit time my family spent with theirs. In my case, I realized it was my girlfriend who was very competitive that was the root of the problem. Still, I really enjoyed the her company so we would meet for coffee from time to time without kids. If she asked about my kids, I gave generic info but not too much. I found giving her a run down of my kid's latest accomplishments, gave her permission to tell me how her kids had bettered each and every one of their accomplishments. Better to limit the conversation to non-kid things.

Now that I think about it, we have not met for coffee in a long time....I guess I know why!

Helena

Veteran

Greycat, thanks so much for sharing your experience - so reassuring to know we all go through this. Also reassuring to know it's ok to set personal limits - I am so bad at this, although have done the same almost without realizing it, as I think about it. Thank you!!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Goodness, that's awkward. I don't think I've ever been in that situation before. Being the non-confrontational, passive-aggressive type, I think I'd just avoid the family.

Sorry I can't be of more help, but I've found that you cannot control other people's behaviour, and if another parent is consistently doing something that actually makes you feel ill, maybe you have better things to do with your time than hang out with them.

Eliza

Veteran

Good input here and you have a good sense of what works for you as well. I wouldn't want to anticipate visits with people who make me ill to be around either.

My kids are grown, but how well I remember figuring out similar dilemmas. I think that "tattling" is a particularly nuanced issue. Most of us don't want to encourage kids to do nothing but call out their peers for every accidental slight or inevitable play mishap. Likewise, most of us want our kids to inform us of things that aren't right and when there may be safety issues or chronic disrespect.

I think at times, with someone you are good friends with, it is possible to address this in the moment. For example, saying "I know it seems like X is a bit prone to reporting stuff to me these days. He's really trying to get what fairness is." Or perhaps, "we are working on learning big from little or Mom should know this from I can handle it myself". Then change the subject. Anyone who has kids who aren't "working on anything" probably knows everything. In that case, I am probably not mourning the loss of regular visits much.

Good luck!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Ugh. You've gotten good advice and I have nothing to add. Everyone with kids knows it's often not the children, it's the parents!

Jules

Veteran

These interactions often go through phases as kids grow and change, so the current dynamic is usually temporary. So if you care about this family overall, in a year or two their kids might have matured enough that they don't pull the same stuff, or your kids are better able to handle it (not that the onus is on them to accept the behaviour, but reactions change).

Helena

Veteran

You ladies rock ... that's all there is to it!!!

So appreciate your thoughts, advice and support - truly.

Isabel

Veteran

Oh boy, this is akward. I went through a similar situation with my daughter last year and it was hell ! I spent a lot of time making excuses for the other mom and the much older sibling ( 18 at that time). The mom and I were very close. It got so bad that my daughter ended up melting down in school ( she was 9 ) and the social worker called me. I realized that I was abandoning my child and expecting of her something that was utterly unreasonable. So, I sat down with my daughter and talked to her and apologized for asking her to always be understanding despite the fact that she was being expected to do things that the other girl was excused from. I spoke to the mom. She stopped speaking to me and has spread some rumors about me. In my heart, I know that I had been trying to avoid this by not saying something sooner. Now , I don't care because my allegiance to my children first. And I don't want to teach my child to have relationships that are held together only by cow towing to the other party all the time. It was a tough lesson for me and for my daughter.

Now, I also had this problem with two of my sisters in law and mother in law. My only niece my kids' age, was treated as if she was a fragile princess where she couldn't and shouldn't bear the "burden" of having to ever NOT do what she wants ( she is a great child btw ) . My kids were always being sacrificed and treated like hand maidens to her. They would also "parent" my kids with me standing right there. For example, I once handed my son a granola bar and one of my SIL grabbed it out of his hand immediately and said, " You CANNOT eat this. The amount of sugar is disgusting." My son was standing between me and her when this happened. I finally said that if they felt there was a parenting issue that needed to be addressed and the parent ( me ) was present, they needed to talk to me and let me handle it. After all, it is my role.
I also started using language that I read about in a parenting book. I will say to one of them, even if they address the kids, " Thank you for your input. I will take it under consideration from one adult to the other. " or " I am so sorry that I gave you the impression that you had to step in. You don't need to. I can take care of things when I am present and when I am not, all you have to do is call or email. I will then figure out how to parent my kids through it."

My favorite is, " I am so sorry that I gave you the impression that I was looking for advice. I am not. This one I am very clear on how to handle. Thank you."

Sorry for the long post. Hang in there.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Helena

Veteran

Oh my Isabel, what a frustrating ordeal you've had! You are a trooper - especially when you add the complication of family and in-laws. They sound very pushy! Sounds like you've got some great techniques for handling it though, and I appreciate you sharing them as well as your experiences. Thank you!

DonnaF

Veteran

I just wanted to add that it was a real revelation to DD and her friends that so much drama can arise from adult interactions (in our church), that some adults lack boundaries, etc., etc. -- all the stuff that they expected from kids and thought ended after middle school, lol. They expected better of adults, and I guess it was a growing up period for them when they realized that grown-up behavior sometimes isn't.

My mom (age 89) is from the generation that told kids that adults, and particularly parents, were always right. Heaven forbid she should admit to me that she's ever made a mistake -- even to this day, even if it is patently obvious. I am still expected to agree with her that black is white even if it isn't. And I drive her nuts when, at age 61, I won't. I, on the other hand, will admit to my mistakes. I expect DD to respect me and others and respect the positions held by others, but not necessarily to agree but maybe gain insight into their perspective. DD's emotional intelligence is off the charts, so this has worked.

ironkurtin

Veteran

Isabel, those are great lines! Knowing me, I'm more likely to snap, "Hang on there. I got this." Yours are more elegant.

Isabel

Veteran

IK, I literally had to practice for hours after I read this in a book. LOL !!! My inclination was to say, " I didn't ask for your opinion. But thanks for playing !" or I would just be so shocked I wouldn't know what to say.

: )

Deborah

Veteran

torontogirl, my son is also obsessessed with what is 'fair'. He is quite happy to take responsibility for something that IS his fault or if he has done the wrong thing but heaven help anyone who accuses him of something he didn't do!! LOL

Helena

Veteran

LOL Deborah ... and then I catch myself saying "Life's not fair mister!" and wonder when I turned into my 70-year-old dad ...

harmonica

Veteran

You've got lovely insights here. I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and that it can be very delicate and difficult matter. <3