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Items with strong memories attached

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

I’m taking advantage of a slow week to dig through my closet(s) and WOW do I have too much stuff.

So I want to clear some stuff out. Obvious “got-to-gos” include: damaged items, things that don’t fit, things that are no longer useful or aligned with my style interests.

But here’s a weird category: items that have a strong memory linked to them. Sometimes it’s a good one— we all like to keep those, I guess (especially if the item remains useful). A really horrible memory means we’ll probably burn the thing ASAP.

But what about a piece that is just strongly associated with a particular day or event? Not necessarily good or bad just….there. Sometimes this association happens because a million photos were taken and you see them so often that a mental link is forged. Or you just really noticed what you were wearing for whatever reason. This tends to bug me and I eventually let the item go, feeling that apparently it fulfilled its purpose in my life, which was to be The Thing I Was Wearing on That Day.

Currently in question: 2 items with both positive and negative associations.

One, a gold pleather circle skirt, bought cheap in a Chinese market. I loved the idea of a formal item that is warm and water repellent! And gold, not the more predominant silver. But: I wore it to a lovely party where I had a great time until my husband and I got in a huge fight.

Two, a lace turtleneck, bought cheap at Zara or H&M, worn to have dinner with my best friend on the night before my mothers funeral. The food was lovely, and it was good to see my friend. But I was so broken-hearted.

Come to think of it, both these events were around the same time…. Hmm.

What do you think? Keep the items, which I still like aesthetically and still fit? Or let them go because they remind me of emotionally complicated events?

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Dressing

31 replies

Latest reply was from phoebe

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Hmmm… difficult one. I remember my husband getting rid of a graphic tee of his after a big fight we had years ago where I had questioned the message on the tee ( which could be related to a deeper relationship issue we had had).
For the gold skirt, is it also worth asking how he feels about the skirt? Of course it’s your decision but that could help tip you one way or another?
Aesthetically the skirt is stunning.
The lace turtleneck is pretty but to my mind not as special as the other. I personally had no problem re-wearing what I had worn to either of my parent’s funerals- which were 23 years ago and 12 years ago respectively- I eventually edited out the items for other reasons. But I know some Fabbers don’t wish to re-wear those clothes.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

These events aren't "Not necessarily good or bad just….there". They have strong valence in both directions. I suppose the questions are whether your friend's support and the happy party are predominant in your mind, or the negatives, and how that affects your feeling when pulling these pieces out. No sense keeping a thing you won't wear, but maybe it doesn't affect you much.

My mind went to the funeral clothes too. I've purchased a black skirt with the intention to wear it to my dad's funeral when the time comes. I hope to imbue it with loving thoughts of him, so that it will be a happy, if bittersweet, item for me to wear even afterwards.

Indigoprint

Veteran

I am mostly ruled my emotions. I would fer sure keep the sweater. My parents have only recently been gone(past 3 years) But I find myself taking comfort mulling over as many details of my last weeks with them as I can so the sweater would still have a happy home with me. I do not know how time will change my thinking....
The gold skirt is really FAB. I would base my decision on what the outcome of the disagreement: if it is still a sore spot I might pass it on.
This might be a good Maria Kondo moment....

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I totally get this. Years ago, I gave away a fuschia silk blouse that I was wearing on a really bad night. That top would forever make me think of that night, so…bye bye. It was also a night that was supposed to be part of a celebration and started out that way, but ended up with a sleepless night and a fight, so yeahhhh, I feel you.

I have learned to choose to wear items that are not my favorites for days I know will be dark. I wore a top that was nice but I was ready to let go of, for the final visit in hospice for one my best friends. There is a nice picture of me with my other two besties at dinner that night raising a toast to her. I’m glad to have the picture, and feel fine that I let go of that shirt.

On the other hand, I did wear my bright floral Fuzzi skirt and a red sweater to the celebration of life party for that same friend. I think because of the tone of the gathering (not a funereal event), I have still very much enjoyed wearing those items again.

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rachylou

Veteran

I feel… for better or worse, there’s ‘too much memory’ with these items and they should go, if that makes sense…

celia

Veteran

I feel that you should let them go.
I also have those kinds of feelings towards certain items of clothing and there are some of them that are really tricky because they have both good and bad memories. But the real thing is that I won't wear them again because they have too much history and kinda pass the mark of being a clothing item to being a story unto themselves.
I also use Janet's strategy of wearing things I can let go if I know it is going to be a sad occasion.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

If you can wear them without ruminating on the event and feeling the feels, then keep. If you’re avoiding wearing, or wearing and feeling bad then free up the space.

Runcarla

Veteran

Been there. Donated the clothes. If you can’t look at those items with equanimity, move them out. It’s better to wrap yourself in ‘good feels.’

Bijou

Veteran

The gold skirt is beautiful. Is it possible for it to be redeemed, by wearing it to another occasion that would provide happy memories. I have passed on the dress I wore to my Mum’s funeral. I still have the black blazer I wore to my Dad’s funeral, but also took it on a holiday, and so it has memories attached to it, both joyful and sad.

I do find it hard to let go of some things, the cream bag and velvet jacket, both received as gifts from my Mum. They are not my current style, but too hard to part with.

Star

Veteran

I think the decisions really lie with how you feel about these items. If they always remind you of the sadness/bad fight let them go.

Irina

Veteran

I’m with Bijou on this - try to make happy memories with these garments. See if it works and decide after that.

SarahD8

Veteran

They are both lovely pieces! But you have a large closet. Are they functionally necessary? And, can you imagine choosing to wear them instead of other options you have for similar occasions? My hunch is that you will tend to consider them when putting together an outfit, feel the conflicting feelings, and then choose a different garment. If you let them go, you can skip the "feel the conflicting feelings" step moving forward. Honestly, sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Roberta

Veteran

Sometimes these things are charged with both happiness and grief. I have a necklace that was left to me by a long gone friend. I don't wear it any more, but I hope to own it forever. Just seeing it reminds me of him and all the fun we had together. But if it only made me feel sad, I would hide it away and look instead at the goofball photo I have of him.

Memories of anger or shame are different. Those I would purge.

Take your time with this decision.

cat2

Veteran

Interesting, but I don’t really link clothing to events like this.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

It's a tough one, Jessikams. Especially when the pieces are absolutely GORGEOUS on you! WOW

I relate to this in different ways:

I've gotten rid of items because of very bad memories associated with them. Like the suit I wore to my late Mum's funeral 22 years ago, and the outfit I wore two weeks prior to that when they told me that all hope was gone. That they needed the hospital bed, and best we get Mum out in the next hour. These were the worst moments in my life.

I have worn my favourite dress to THREE extremely important and very sad funerals that took place within 2 years of each other. My MIL, my Dad, my FIL. (Basically, these were three parents I was extremely close to). I am keeping the navy shirtdress. But it has become my funeral dress. I don't wear it for joyful occasions anymore. At least, not yet. It's too soon.

My suggestion is to follow your strong emotions when they rear their head. If you wake up one day, and you really want to pass the items on - do that. If one day you really want to wear the items - do that!

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nuancedream

Veteran

I'm with Runcarla on this issue. There were two dresses I wore in the days preceding my mother's funeral service and I had to donate them as soon as possible. They were both lovely but there would always be feelings of grief associated with them no matter how much time passed.

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Fabbers, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. It’s wonderful but also sad to hear your similar stories and, oh Angie those moments at the hospital…and Janet’s hospice visit to her friend…. Hugs all around. We’ve all been through hard times but we’ve made it through.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about these items at the moment…. There have been so few opportunities to wear them in recent years. I do kinda “stop” when I see them in my closet— they have more meaning than just clothes, as Celia describes so precisely.

Somehow just talking about it seems to be changing the emotional resonance, interestingly. I think I might try bleaching the lace shirt just to see what happens….. the item itself is not special, so if it gets ruined, no biggie. And I have another thin formal black turtleneck anyway.

The gold skirt…. Indigo print makes a good point! The thing we argued about is not significant anymore, so maybe I can let go of the memory of the fight, rather than letting go of the skirt?? We shall see. I’ll give it time to evolve. I do love a shiny gold and it’s really warm!

Now Cat2, how do you escape these emotional tangles with clothes?? Do share!

Runcarla

Veteran

@ Jessikams - a long time ago (when I was in my 20’s) I had an artist friend who did collages and worked with textiles. She got my wedding dress and some other interesting bits and bobs. I believe you do some mixed media work, right? It could be an interesting way to exorcise any demons.

Style Fan

Veteran

The skirt and top are beautiful, Jessikams. Unfortunately, they remind you of bad memories. I hope you find a resolution.

I am like Cat. I don't remember what I wore to my mother and father's funeral, and I probably wore the clothes again. I am not sure what I wore to my first husband's funeral. I probably wore those clothes again.
I am sentimental about other things. Jewellery, for example.

Kate

Veteran

You've come up with a nice plan for the lace shirt. I think the gold skirt is stunning, and since the thing you argued about is no longer significant, then wear the skirt with pleasure.

As far as funeral clothes go, I wore an outfit my mother had seen and loved. I am still happy to wear it.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Wow, complicated issue. The pieces, especially the gold skirt, are certainly worth keeping, but that is not the issue obviously. I do have associations with items but nothing as powerful as what is described here. With the fight skirt, perhaps focus on the fact that you and your husband overcame the fight? But really, they are your emotions and you need to decide how you feel about wearing the pieces.

Anonymous

I still have, and wear, the dress I wore the first time I found out I wasn't pregnant- but it was one of the worst days of my life :,( I do still like the dress, so keeping it for now.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Thinking about the skirt, and the fight: what about wearing it for a date night? You could go out to a lovely spot, and then over appetizers ask your husband with a sweetly provocative smile what he remembers about that skirt. The goal is to maneuver into a conversation where you both have enough distance from the fight to be able to laugh about it and/or your fighting behaviors, and to form new, good memories of connecting over it, through the skirt.

Suntiger, so painful! I am so sorry.

judy

Veteran

This is fascinating to read about clothes and memories. While I have been through really painful days and nights, I haven't really associated my clothing I was wearing at the time with them.

That skirt is beautiful on you. I had a gorgeous wrap around taffeta skirt once, found it thrifting, it was this dark, dark red, nearly black, with lots of lovely tones, full length. I wore it a few times like for parties...then one year I turned it into my Christmas tree skirt! Yeah, it was under the tree for many years...when I had one.

I say, one day you'll know. And if you don't know today, there's no rush to give things away or Marie Kondo everything. To me, her house looks like no one lives there! (sorry Marie, you seem like a lovely person. And sometimes clutter gets to be too much and we need you! )

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Suntiger, that does sound like a bad day, but I’m glad you can still enjoy the dress despite the association.

SF, good idea for a date!

And Judy this would actually be a great Xmas tree base

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

At the end of the day, the best closet items are the ones we either wear or get joy from. So if you feel you can do that with the items, I'd be inclined to keep them.

But if that doesn't feel possible, then maybe some of the other alternatives mentioned here (e.g. upcycling into a Christmas tree skirt or patchwork quilt) would work better?

PS - Edit: This picture in particular comes to mind when it comes to this.

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Lesley

Veteran

This is a great thread, lots of meaningful memories and good advice.

I am definitely no stranger to this phenomenon. In fact, when a loved one was scheduled for a serious surgery last year I had trouble picking out my clothing, thinking, if something terrible should happen, I would be saying goodbye to that clothing. I even fretted over how to paint my nails that week. (The surgery was postponed and is coming up soonish now, and I hope I can be a little more laid-back about it this time around...)

I find that the phenomenon is stronger with something worn infrequently, for "occasions"--the stuff we wear all the time is witness to all sorts of things, good and bad, and even with the bad it can kind of keep rolling with it. I suppose, unless it's *really* bad...

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Jessikams I am glad that just starting this thread and talking about it might be helping you. I know it may take some months to decide partly due to lack of wearing opportunities but if you felt comfortable I would like to eventually hear what you decide, even if months away. It’s a fascinating and very human topic xx

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

A relationship where that would be a cool date would be very cool indeed. Have fun!

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