Awwwww Magda, you have been so very brave posting here. Your post was raw and honest. I apologise that this post is so long. I hope you can bear with me.
I can identify with you and your negative self image as I battle with this same issue myself. I find it MUCH easier to be very hard, critical or negative about my physical appearance than it is to be kind to myself. In fact, when I started posting on YLF, the ladies would sometimes pull me up too and say "Hey! None of that negative talk on here, young lady!" It was a jolt, I tell you and really made me rethink the way I write about myself on this forum.
You see, I grew up as a child and young teenager being told repeatedly by a LOT of people that I was physically ugly. I would hear often negative comments about my physical appearance almost daily. Some of these "you are ugly" comments were even made by some close adult relatives. Not surprisngly, it really damaged my view of myself.
Yes, being honest, I can see that I DID go through a "stage" that lasted a couple of years from about 9 thru 14. However, as I matured and my braces came off my teeth, I sort of "grew" into my face. Suddenly, at about the age of 15 or 16 I think, I was considered "pretty" by others. Even by some of the people who had previously tormented me on a regular basis.
The problem was then that although my physical appearance changed (suddenly I was "pretty"), my emotional state was stuck right back at the "ugly" stage. As such, if a photo was taken of me (ha! as if I'd hardly ever allow that!), I'd look at it and automatically think "ugly". I was always genuinely shocked if a guy showed any interest in me. Why? Because I was ugly of course! I felt this way for many years and it was a natural part of my thought processes. I never questioned whether this little "critical voice" was based on reality or not.
I only realised how distorted my thinking was when one day, in my mid 20's, I looked at a photo album which featured pictures taken of me from when I was about 16 - 17. These photos made me cry.
Why? Because I could remember that when those photos were taken, I believed in all of my heart that I was so ugly, I was repulsive. But now, with the retrospect of time (which brought about a bit more objectivity I believe), I could see that in these photos, I was actually quite beautiful. It broke my heart to realise that I had been so emotionally cruel to myself for so long, way after all other people had stopped. It taught me a very big lesson.
So now, when I post a photo of myself or have a photo taken of myself and my first reaction is "I look ugly", I remind myself that this is quite possibly my mind playing a little "trick" on me and it isn't as bad as what I think in reality.
But goodness, that "little negative voice" is sure determined! Even now, many, many years later, with a much better self-perception of myself, sometimes my own initial reaction of my own WiW posts on here still provokes an initial "Oh goodness, I look butt ugly today!" reaction from that little inner voice.
I then have to mentally stop myself from writing some sort of negative comment about myself. Sometimes it almost feels painful for me to write something nice about myself, because it feels more natural to point out the negative. Afterall, that's what my "little negative voice" has already done for me.
So, why don't I do it (or at least try to minimise it (a lot))? Because I remember that day in my twenties, crying over the realisation that for many years I had lived with a distorted image of myself. I have made a decision that whilst I may still have that initial reaction (I think it unfortunately is pretty hard-wired into my psyche), I can simply "over-ride it" (like hitting control-alt-delete in a way!) and refuse to buy into that silly 'mind trick' any more.
This is what I believe Khris says about "faking it until you make it". Yes, you are right, it is absolutely, very hard! I agree. But it is really very worth it.
I can tell you that because of this action, whilst I still have those "ugly" days, I now actually have far more days where I can look at a photo (even some of my WiW photos) and look at myself and think "You know what, I looked pretty today!"
It is a truly wonderful feeling to have reached a point to be able to look myself in the mirror and my mind's eye and be at peace with my physical self.
I wish you the very best of luck with your own journey, Magda. x
