It is the same dress but is it the same person? - YouLookFab Forum

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It is the same dress but is it the same person?

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I’m trying to get a couple more outfits together for various Christmas functions & realised why I’ve been having trouble getting to my goal of a pared down wardrobe. I’ve kept some of my clothes from when I worked & have another set of clothes that are more “relaxed” for want of a better word. Some pieces work in with either & therein lies the rub.
For example this is a heavy cotton lace black dress that I've had for some time. It's the only LBD I have left as I'm moving away from black near my face. The first 2 photos show how I wear it & the second two show how the people I meet would wear it. I don't feel like me in the last 2 pictures they aren't how I want to present myself. Yet some part of me tells me that for my husband's sake I should look more like the second two photos (I did for MY work why not for his?). It is mainly to do with his work colleagues but the town we have moved to is also VERY conservative. There are students or Goths or bikers but everyone else wears fairly conservative clothes. I don’t want to be the mad arty lady but neither do I want to feel like I’m hiding in my clothes. This tension between my looks is making me feel disoriented. What would you do?
Another grr. We went to my nephew’s wedding last week & I think we’ve lost all our photos – including all the WIW photos of my holiday capsule. Oh well, small potatoes I know.

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Dressing

18 replies

Latest reply was from Caro in Oz

Asingh

(website)

Veteran

Caro, I like the last two photos! Sometimes one has to experiment or go beyond their comfort zone/usual style in terms of dressing. But the main factor is the "feel good" factor.

DonnaF

Veteran

What if you were to wear the pendant necklace with 3/4? I don't think it is OTT arty (but I confess, I love *arty* jewelry like that), and moves away from black next to your face. Of course, you would ditch the flower pin in #3.

What other footwear options do you own? Plain nude pumps are nice, but don't strike me as particularly *Caro*! I must admit I have a poison eye for leggings, but I do recognize that they are part of your preferred style. I can see how #3 can feel a bit corporate/conservative as you have styled it. Is #4 just the dress with nude pumps? Somehow, the cut of the sleeves looks different in #1 and #4.

Would your cool necklace plus edgier footwear that ties in a bit of the red from the necklace make #3/4 feel more like *you*?

Amy

(website)

Veteran

I like Donna's suggestion of wearing the outfit in the last photo, but adding a few arty touches like jewelry and/or footwear. Carry an interesting bag!

Even if you wear clothes that are more conservative that you usually pick, you can inject a little of your personality into it. I work in a conservative office and walk this tightrope daily

Gaylene

Veteran

I have a similar situation in my wardrobe--the clothes I wear for my professional life and the clothes that I wear when I'm not in academia have quite different vibes.

I use my professional clothes to create, and maintain, a very specific image so that is the main requirement when I'm buying for that part of my life. But, along with that goal, I also want the garment to say something who I am as a person. For example, I like jackets because I find them useful to create a look of authority when giving public presentations, but I try to look for something that give my jackets a bit of edginess through texture, cut or fabric. The color might be conservative, but the cut will be asymmetrical, or the fabric might be a traditional pinstripe, but the finishing details will have leather piping. The jacket gives me authority, but the asymmetrical closing or the leather trim make it more "me".

Maybe instead of seeing the two dimensions--arty and conservative--as disorienting, you could think about creating different capsules for the different roles in your life? And maybe you could look for subtle ways to merge the arty into the conservative capsule? For example, think conservative but with a bit more drama in the cut of the dress or the texture of the jacket. Or maybe think of doing conservative in shades of grey and cream if you find all black too stultifying. Or looking for interesting necklaces that are arty, but not too over the top to keep you within the bounds of that conservative image. Figure out where the boundaries of conservative lie for your situation and then move up to the edges instead of staying in the middle.

And remember, this is only ONE capsule for one part of your life. Your other capsules can be totally different to express other sides of your personality for other parts of your life.

ManidipaM

Veteran

I've dealt with this feeling before. And back then, I came away defeated. This was before I discovered YLF. So I tried very hard to 'dress the part' --- and not only was it out of my comfort zone, I gave people the wrong idea about me and then had to use my words to make them understand that I don't really share the same aesthetic (was important in my job) or some of the same sociopolitical attitudes. So I'm declaring a bias before I answer...

However, what I have realized, watching the other ladies here on YLF, is that it IS possible to avoid toeing the line without stepping too far out of line either. (Amy's a super example! So are Rae as she dressed for her earlier job and Shannon in a workplace where her aesthetic stands out, Claire in a social space where many people are less dressy than she is...)

I like Donna's suggestion to switch a few elements around between pictures and see how that goes. Footwear in particular, in the the last two, adds to the conservative styling up top. Now, I get that nudes are leg-lengthening, but the sort of bronze you are wearing in #1 would have much the same effect while feeling a lot less 'conventional classic', I think? Remove flower pin, add different jewellery in #3 --- and make sure your bag and shoes are doing some talking for you. What happens if you add both blazer and leggings, and maybe boots with it? What if add a dramatic scarf to #4, and again, switch out the shoes? Or, wear just the dress and the flower pin, plus carrying a bright bag and wearing bright shoes? Or wear the dress, leggings and the nude pumps --- but add flower pin instead of necklace, no blazer, or just a coloured cardi...? Or take #1, switch to nude pumps and add a bright or patterned belt...?

Deborah

Veteran

Caro, I am quite fond of the crazy arty lady! Caro, first off, with the black garments you still have, adding some color the neckline by way of scarf or jewellery is a nice way to soften the black. Or a statement necklace with white or cream (i just bought one) or even pearls does the same thing. Secondly, I think you look great in all these outfits. When I younger, I was little more rebellious and wouldn't compromise for anyone. Now I tend to be more sensitive to situtations and events and am happy to modify my 'look'. But I do hear you. There are certain looks I just cannot do because I feel weird! I wonder if it is possible to "edge" or "art" up the conservative look using with footwear and/or accessories. My best friend who is a barrister does this He work attire is stunning but on the corporate/conservative side but her accessories and shoes are always totally not what you would expect. It allows her to "fit in" but still exude her own personality.

Niefern

I think you look good in all 4 pictures, only they are different moments in your life. I think the suggestions and ideas mentioned are really good - wearing conservative with some special and favourite accessories could be just the perfect finishing touch!

TraceyLiz65

(website)

Veteran

I am really hoping the suggestions here regarding adding artsy accessories is appealing for you to create a happy-medium. You might not act like yourself if there is not some of that artsy part of you displayed....

unfrumped

Veteran

I think you look great and you are doing a good analysis. The first looks are more casual. The second ones look both more tailord and more dressy and are fine, but I can see how it is easy to go more toward Queen Mum than is " you" if you let them , yet you have some very good workable basics. You just haven't quite found your own updated version for your LBD , such as a spunkier jacket color or cut, jewelry , and/ or shoes and ways to keep things lighter near your face & hair -- not only scarves--you could even Google LBD looks -- someone is always doing photos of how to wear it from the gala to the beach- and see if you find some examples that speak to your style the most.

Traci

Veteran

I had to log in to say that dress is gorgeous on you in all incarnations.

I'd say that the reigns are a little looser when you're in the role of supporting act to your dh, rather than in your own career. I completely understand not wanting to look like the mad art woman, but you definitely have an artsy flair that is admirable. I wouldn't hide that....I'm not even sure that you could if you tried.

Anonymous

I love Crazy Arty Lady! Aren't we all supposed to take the LBD and "make it our own"? I feel like you've done that in the first two pictures. I think one arty element, like a long patterned jacket or huge necklace would still work in conservative circles, but only you know what the vibe is. Manidipa and Gaylene have had some good thoughts here.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

There are a lot of good thoughts here from people who have experienced similar conflicts. I do think #4 is more you than #3 (without having met you of course), and maybe you could do a cross between #1 and #4 that will satisfy both of your goals?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Agreeing with the others that it is okay to bring some arty elements into the conservative world (esp. when you are a supporting act) and echoing the idea to try to do this with footwear and accessories in particular. The dress itself definitely works both ways (proving once again the versatility of a LBD) but while it is conventionally "flattering" in the second two pics, it doesn't feel like "you." Also, I think it is a bit aging worn that way, quite honestly. (NOT worn as you are wearing it in #1.) Of course my perception could be swayed a bit by my knowledge that you are less comfortable in pics 3 and 4.

I think a really funky pair of somewhat dressy sandals could be your ticket here, along with one of your arty necklaces. Something like the Anyi Lu sandals that Shevia just bought. Those are hugely expensive, of course, but I am wondering if they have something similar In Australia. I did a quick search just now but wasn't too successful, but maybe some of our Australian sisters can weigh in on shopping possibilities.

I am thinking...this dress, plus perhaps a jacket similar to one of the ones that Deborah recently posted http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....cket-heist plus some funky footwear, plus one of your fab pieces of jewelry... and maybe you would still feel and look like Caro?

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I like #1 and #3 best. A little arty flair will cheer everyone up!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

IMHO, outfit #1 looks the most like "you".

Gaylene

Veteran

I like the way Judi Dench puts her touch on some pretty conservative outfits using color, scarves, and jewelry. I heard her once talking about being how unnerving it was to always have to stand next some tall skinny actress as an older "short, round" woman. But I don't think she has much to worry about IMHO!

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bj1111

Veteran

caro...have you tried that dress with the oversized necklace in 1 or with the jacket in 2 or with both? i think the dress is a perfect canvas. the conservative topper and the nude shoe are very conservative pieces worn together so it feels a bit constricting to you, no?

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Thanks Asingh, I agree the feel good factor becomes more & more important as I get older.
DonnaF, Amy, Niefern & TraceyLiz65 thank you all - yes I agree I've been aware of the need to find less conservative shoes & bags. I think that is why winter is far easier - boots suit the vibe I'm after so much better than sandals!
Gaylene your suggestions are spot on (as usual). I guess that is where I've been having trouble merging these pieces. I've been trying not to buy anything new but maybe one or two new pieces would bridge the gap & make everything more useful.
I love Judi Dench but I'm not so keen on some of her clothing choices - although she looks great in the photos here.
ManidipaM - more fab suggestions thank you! The consensus seems to be to find the sweet spot between these styles & maybe that means modernising it in some way.
Deborah, I'm fond of the mad arty lady too - she shares my brain:) I think I've done things base over apex as usual. I didn't rebel much when I was younger (people thought my skirts were too long in the '60s). Now I feel a real push to express my essence through my clothes - not sure why. Maybe I just need more shoes:)
unfrumped - great ideas - I found YLF through the power of Google.
Thanks Traci - you are lovely. Loose reins speak to me - gotta love them.
Claire, Shevia & Suz thanks for your input - this is all very helpful & I love those Anyi Lu sandals!
Angie & Shannon - thanks I like #1 best too but it feels a little too casual for the event.
bj1111 - yes constricting is a good word both in the physical sense of not being able to walk fast in the shoes to the formality of the look. Ease & comfort are important but I also want to be appropriate for my husband's sake.
Will go & play with the accessories & shoes.
Thanks again to you all - you are so generous!