Is wanting to look good vanity? - YouLookFab Forum

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Dressing

Is wanting to look good vanity?

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

My hubby and I had an interesting conversation last night - in the last two years, I've taken much more care and interest in how I dress and put myself together. I lost 75 pounds 'bout 7 years ago and had to learn to dress a different body. Now I'm in menopause and have gained back about 15 pounds and again, am learning to dress a different body. I've decided I'm ok with who I am and am working to dress stylishly with whatever size I happen to be. This of course takes time and effort - I spend more time shopping, sometimes spend more money on good quality and good fit, and spend more time getting dressed (trying on different incarnations of my various outfits). My hubby will often see me standing in front of the mirror staring at myself - which happened last night while I was seeing how a few items looked together. This led to his comment "vanity thy name is woman". When I asked him why he said that, he indicated that he thinks I'm being vain putting this much effort into myself and always checking myself out in the mirror. I don't see it that way - I see it as almost a means to my self-esteem - if I look good, I feel good. I'm curious to see what others think - is wanting to look good and putting more effort into our looks being vain?

Dressing

20 replies

Latest reply was from mrseccentric

Louise

Veteran

I think it only becomes vanity when your whole life revolves around looking good x

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I was thinking it depends on how far you take it . . . I have a friend who is always looking at her own reflection, even in the middle of having a conversation with you. It's quite unsettling, actually! Makes me want to look over my shoulder at what she's looking at ha ha.
I think a healthy interest in keeping up your appearance is fine. Being obsessed about it - not so much!

Ginny

Veteran

I don't think of it as vain. My hubby and I have had similar conversations, when I decided it would be fun to dress like a woman again after kids finally getting a bit bigger and I was taking the time to look more put together. I am not 20 anymore I tell him natural beauty takes time and effort nowadays!!! no obsessing just keeping up your appearance is fine IMO.

cciele

Veteran

No, I don't think it's vain at all! Like PPs have said, it's about the extent in which it takes over your life--and how it affects one's relationship with other people.

I think it's great that you are taking the effort to dress where you are at now, and if it makes you feel good, why not?

Aziraphale

Veteran

Yes, it is vanity, but it doesn't necessarily follow that it is a problem. 'Vanity' is a word with negative connotations, but (in my opinion at least) like most character traits, it's only a bad thing in excess. A little vanity helps motivate us to look after our bodies, to stay healthy, and to walk with confidence -- all good things. A little pride, a little lust, a little stubbornness -- all of these things can have positive effects on our lives. I've thought about this quite a bit.

Too much vanity, on the other hand, equals narcissism, which is not something any of us aspire to.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It's only vanity if you are breaking the one and only rule of You Look Fab: Have fun with fashion!

If it's not fun—for you or anyone around you—then it's time to re-evaluate.

If it brings you joy and doesn't hurt anyone else, it's a good thing in the universe. We all respond to beauty.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

LOL; there are people who are obsessed with looking their best for every second of the day - like wearing makeup to bed and in the shower; those things would be unhealthy.

I think if all vanity was bad, we'd all wear sack-shirts and imperfect pant lengths and still be happy. :p With a maxi skirt on top.

rachylou

Veteran

Def 1 of vanity: Excessive pride in or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements

Def 2: The quality of being worthless or futile

I don't think wanting to look good meets either of those definitions. It's not *in vain* to be presentable or artistic (and I think a lot of art goes into fashion). And humility (the opposite of pride) is not running yourself down. In many ways, looking good is a gift to others.

Now, if you think being beautiful means you shouldn't have to work for anything or lifting your little finger was hard work - now that's vanity.

Charmian

Veteran

Surprisingly, my husband told me that he considers my attempts to dress better as a gift from me to him! He likes the increased confidence (which is reflected in more than just my appearance) *and* he enjoys looking at me more :).

I agree with the previous posters: don't let it take over your life and relationships. As long as it stays fun -- for you and others -- it's not an unhealthy vanity. You're bringing joy and beauty into their lives!

taylor

Veteran

Self respect...although vanity and self adoration are two different things.

Lynne

Veteran

I love this thread, and the responses. I often think about this, wondering where that fine line is between caring and making an effort and being obsessed with appearance. I can relate to what Suz's comment; if it is good for you and does not detract from those around you (like your friend, Malina!) and makes the world a slightly better place, then go for it!

Shannon, DH has told me he thinks its "OTT" to care so much, but he hasn't used the V word :).

Ginkgo

Veteran

It's a sign of good mental health!

"The Thoughtful Dresser" is an excellent book to read, about an Auschwitz survivor who later owned a high-end boutique in Toronto. She discusses how our desire to look good gives us our dignity and our humanity.

Kristine

Veteran

Hmm, a little threatened perhaps? Some men (and women) don't like it at all when their partner looks better than they used to. Could it be that he's worried you'll get more attention or won't find him up to your standards?

Taking pride in your appearance and style is a sign of respect for yourself and others around you. Besides, for many of us it's a creative hobby, no different from what he might spend free time and money on. You could call perfecting your golf shot a form of vanity also.

We're on this planet a short time, there's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and trying to look your best. It changes the way people treat you and makes you a better advocate for causes you believe in. Of course it can cross the line but what you described doesn't sound anything like that.

Turkey Vulture

Wanting to look better than everybody else is vanity. Wanting to look your personal best and taking care of your appearance is, as you noted, a way to feel good about yourself. If feeling great and confident and happy is vanity, then hell, let's all be vain. The world would be a much better place if everybody felt confident and happy and great!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone - it has been interesting reading your comments. I might even have to print a few of them out for hubby to read! (lol)

Ginkgo

Veteran

As my grandmother used to say, "as we get older, dear, we have to try harder". How true!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

As Greg says, I am vain but not precious.

Of course I am vain! But I can get down and dirty with the doggies and with life - and do. I painted our door in my pearls. I just re-stained all our kitchen cupboards in my outfit for the day with a big apron. I am on Team-Get-on-With-it in my pretty clothes!

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

I love Greg's line, Angie.
I think that's so important. I am vain..heck, I have a blog all about ME, right? But it doesn't control my life, and I am able to enjoy many things as a result.
Which is my point entirely - you can live life and still look your best. O:)

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Angie - YOU ROCK!!! That's the Team I wanna be on! In fact, I shoveled 5 yards of garden soil last night still in my black knit dress from work - just added my rubber boots and gloves...the neighbors did look at me strangely though!

mrseccentric

(website)

Veteran

as so many here have pointed out, it's all about moderation. being overly concerned with looking good all the time is not so great, but never caring at all about your personal appearance has it's drawbacks as well.

at the heart of it, we're very very social animals....so everyone is always concerned with how other people look, how much time & effort they put into looking that way, etc. standards vary so drastically between different communities, different ages and stages of life....it takes a lot of effort just to 'fit in'!!

hooray, i'm on Team Apron too! i even throw aprons on over casual ensembles because i'm such a klutz steph