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Is pregnancy that hard?

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Ok I've never been pregnant so please help me understand. I have a coworker who pregnant, due in October. She says she can no longer stand for extended periods of time. So that means she can no longer take call or go to the ICU's to do portable exams. Which has meant more work and a LOT more call for me.

Our shifts are exactly the same. Due to my bus schedule I arrive before her and always get assigned an exam before her. Lately she's been eating breakfast after she gets to work and clocks in.
So today I asked my boss about the breakfast issue. I was basically told, "What, should I deny a pregnant woman food?"
A good friend of mine who worked a high end retail job her entire pregnancy said my co-worker is lazy and inconsiderate. My massage therapist who used to do pre-natal massages says she's a wimp.
Help me gain some empathy, because right now I have huge amounts of simmering resentment. Is pregnancy that hard on some woman? Do some need to eat all the time?

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37 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Yes, sometimes pregnancy is easy but sometimes really hard. It really depends on the person and their particular pregnancy. I know during my second and third pregnancies I was much more tired than during my first, maybe because I had the other kids to chase after. But I definitely was more fatigued during my 2nd than my 3rd pregnancy, and I think it was because I was slightly anemic during the 2nd one. I worked right up until the end (like 1 week before my due date) with my pregnancies, full time, and even doing extra call during the 2nd and 3rd pregnancies to make up for the call I would be missing during my maternity leave. So in that sense I was able to do everything for my job and more, but it was really tiring! I used to stand all day doing procedures, but during my 2nd trimester after a long morning of procedures I started getting lightheaded, my head was pounding, my heart was racing and I thought I was going to pass out. I wasn't eating or drinking enough fluids that day, so I was probably dehydrated. But after that I started sitting down for procedures and got used to doing them sitting. Now I still sit even though I'm not pregnant anymore, because it's so much more comfortable! (And yes, I was hungry all the time too. My partners couldn't believe how much I ate and were always joking/commenting on my food intake).

My pregnancies were relatively easy and healthy and it was still an adjustment for me and a lot more effort. I would imagine if people had complicated or difficult pregnancies, they would have to be much more careful and take it easy. Is this coworker someone who normally works hard and pitches in to help you when she's not pregnant, or is she always like this? I would try to give your coworker the benefit of the doubt, as annoying and painful as it must be to have to always do extra work. It doesn't sound like complaining to your boss will get you very far. But I sympathize, it's hard for you to always be the one to pick up the slack. Hopefully it will be a very temporary situation! And hopefully if you ever need accommodations for illness or pregnancy or whatever, she or another coworker will help you out in return. Good karma, right?

ManidipaM

Veteran

I am also one who had an easy pregnancy. That was bloody exhausting---as in struggling to get work done even when doing no household chores or cooking or commuting. Can't imagine it being any easier for those with typical morning sickness or hypoglycaemia or anaemia or diabetes... or weird swellings and soreness. Or with older children at home.

So yeah, as Natalie said, maybe cut her some slack for now---unless she is the one who always shirks. Of course, I would say it is still a situation that could be a 'cry wolf' one where her needs are genuine *now*.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Um, I have an obese pregnant hostess at 19 who has been allowed to sit at a stool for her shift because she has bad morning sickness. Way to greet people at the door . . . point at a table and don't move. Ugh. WAY sore spot for me right now. My last Monday shift she called in and it left me high and dry with no help on my floor.
We've had no less than 6 pregnant servers who carry food, and all that serving entails, for months into their pregnancies over the years. I know each gal is different, but by contrast my other former coworker is due today and been dialated for days but hiking just yesterday! She's almost 40.

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Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Every pregnancy is different. I have friends that breezed through theirs and others who were pretty non-functional throughout. My pregnancy with twins was pretty horrible frankly. I think I would also feel resentment in your shoes, but on the other hand pregnancy is no cake walk for lots of women. Think of how different people with the same medical condition experience their symptoms differently - it is not all in their own control.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think for me the issue is, if you feel like s*@%, whether it be pregnancy or stomach flu or a sprained ankle, and you can't do the normal tasks at hand, still arriving, and accepting your pay, while leaving much more workload for your co workers (who don't get paid any more but have to do more of your job) BLOWS. (I may be a tad sensitive to the issue LOL )

elpgal

Veteran

Had a very easy pregnancy but was very uncomfortable in the end. Sme folk have morning sickness that persists beyond the first trimester and eating early in the day is practically impossible.

I can understand your resentment. When I was a teaching assistant in grad school (and young and single), I use to be taken advantage of by being assigned the classes and labs very early in the day or at 7 pm. So, I would literally be teaching a 10 am class and finishing up at 10 pm. When I requested a specific exemption because I wanted to join a study group preparing for out PhD comprehensive exam, they refused to accommodate me. Hopefully, you will be able to stand your ground if/when you need flexibility.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Ugh, Anna, I feel for you - I feel like I get shafted all the time too. My pregs colleagues are eating all the time too, and it's okay, even though the rest of us have to be ready to see patients/do actual work the moment we get in the door (which makes sense). There is a lot of preferential treatment - or at least it seems like that.

I mean, I had another colleague who would try to run with us even though she was pregnant, and we weren't mean to her. We'd give her the lighter assignments and give her things like Thursday call (which would give her a longer weekend) and we always covered for her when she needed to go to doctor's appointments.

The one who is pregs right now is so demanding! She is so entitled and I think it grinds on us a bit - especially when she says things like: "Well, no, you can't take that long weekend call because I need it because I'm pregnant!" That makes NO sense, and she's using "because I'm pregnant" as an excuse to get out of work!

I especially hate the - "I can't do any call past 10 pm." So one of us (non pregnant non married usually single girls) has to COME INTO WORK at 10 pm and work the rest of the suckiest hours of the night? COME ON. And the ones who call the day OF call and ask for coverage? UGHHHH. I should have gone into surgery where most of them are MEN who cannot get pregnant!!!!

Instead of 1:4 call, as a med student, I often had to do 1:2 or 1:3 because two of our classmates were PREGNANT. And one of them is pregnant AGAIN and she's doing it back to back in her residency (I think ON PURPOSE) so she never has to do call, and can get all the benefits (she is graduating next year; as staff docs there are 0 maternity benefits vs. 50% if you're a resident).

In a specialty with a lot of women, I understand that they will get pregnant and have children, but some of us won't. We just get last pick every time someone is like - "Well, I have a childcare/baby/family issue." Okay. I understand I don't have a screaming toddler at home, or a teen I need to pick up from soccer practice - but that doens't (shouldn't) mean I get the worst shifts and the heaviest assignments either.

Really grinds my gears.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Whilst I do sympathise for the members of staff who have to cover for a pregnant colleague (I have been one many times too) I am always mindful of how hard women have fought for maternity rights and how necessary these rights are.

With regards to your situation Anna, perhaps you received such a curt reply from your boss because he knows of an issue with her pregnancy which he is unable to disclose or he simply feels equally frustrated but is powerless to change things.

As for working when pregnant it is unpredictable at best. I remember being about 30 weeks and dealing with a client when my nose started to bleed, I stood up (to get a tissue) to get the most horrendous cramp in both legs. That same day I had vomited two times in the morning and spent the evening in floods of hormonal tears. This was just a bad day during a very normal text book pregnancy but I feel it does give a little insight.

soobee

Veteran

Yes it is VERY hard. At least it was for me. Non stop vomiting, being in and out of hospital for months on end on a drip, constant nausea - like the worst stomach bug you've ever had - for months and months and months and months, feet so swollen that even the largest size mens scuffs or thongs (flip flops) wouldn't fit so had to go barefoot (ugh, barefoot AND pregnant), depression and anxiety. No "pregnancy glow" for me. So very worth it in the end but once was enough! I have the greatest admiration for women who can work as well as grow a human in their own body, I couldn't.

Traci

Veteran

I'm glad you asked, because my short answer is "Yes, it can be that hard."

Somehow it seems like the loudest voices are often those who worked a 12 hour shift the night before delivering a baby. I don't think those are the norm, those are the super stars. It seems to get lost how hard pregnancy can be. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with my first hearing story after story of women who worked up until the last day, even women who worked while in labor for several hours! Because of all these stories, when I was feeling exhausted and unable to work my full time hours, I pushed myself anyway. Looking back on that time a few years later, I felt like such a dolt for letting some sort of "should be able to" script running through my head impact health decisions I made, instead of listening to my body telling me to slow down. And I had a normal, healthy pregnancy!

She could be needing to stop for breakfast due to gestational diabetes (incredibly common!) or simply to curb nausea. Would you be annoyed if she had to break to take an insulin shot or anti nausea meds?

In situations like yours, I think the problem is more with the system that is so reliant on a very few people that if one is pulling a bit less weight the other has to shoulder it all. Instead of complaining to your boss about the concessions the coworker is getting, how about asking what can be done to help take some of the burden off of you. Are you the only two in the department? Is anyone else cross trained to step in occasionally? Say that you are compassionate to her situation, but you're simply not able to cover in all these ways. Ask who else can help out the prego. I assume there's going to be more back up when she's out on leave. What will they do then? They can't be planning to simply double your hours, right?

In short, I don't think asking the pregnant lady to do more than she feels like she can is reasonable, but I do think asking management to handle the situation better is reasonable.

Eliza

Veteran

These issues in a work place can be so polarizing. Who has to leave early for daycare pick up? Who has a dying relative? Who gets the late night and weekend coverage? I agree that the problem is often best looked at in an organizational context, as it can become quite personal on the ground.

There is considerable concern about privacy in regards to employee health concerns in most work settings now. That makes good sense to me. When my colleagues left slack to be picked up for a health related reason, I felt that the shoe could easily be on the other foot and they would have stepped up to help me.

That said, it would be good if with something as obvious as pregnancy or recovery from an accident or illness, etc., where disruption of schedules is a strong possibility, departments were both realistic and pro-active in anticipating needs. Then the responsibilities could be as shared as possible, important areas could be covered, people could chose where to step up a bit, and perhaps some tasks or procedures could be streamlined to accommodate what is essentially a decrease in staff hours. The problem here seems to be a lack of acknowledgment that there is more for others to do and the way this has become so personal. "I can't do that...so you have to" is the subtext of these exchanges, when it could be "this is how we are operating now, and we want it to work as smoothly as possible for all staff and patients. Let's talk in a week and see how it's going and if we need to tweak anything in service of our mission." I am always aggravated when "chronic" issues in work places are each viewed as an anomaly and addressed without context.

Good luck. All these variables can create a lot of stress and everyone needs breathing room, with breaks from work.

Thistle

Veteran

Yes, it can be. Depends on the woman and the pregnancy.

Mine was hard. I had heat induced high blood pressure. I get hot, my blood pressure spiked, and I got so dizzy I could fall over. I work a desk job, in an air conditioned office, so I was not taken out of work.

I also was carrying 4 times as much fluid as I was supposed to me, making it a very heavy and difficult pregnancy. And my uterus expanded upward not outward, meaning the baby was pushing on my lungs. She would somewhat regularly end up with a foot under my rib age and it hurt a great deal.

I also had a very hard time eating. Because of the way my uterus grew, she was also pushing on my stomach. By the third trimester, I could eat almost nothing without acid reflux so bad I would vomit. I had to eat tiny meals all the time to keep it down.

DH and I struggled a bit to have her, so I was Advanced Maternal Age before she was born. That didn't help, but the biggest issue was the way my uterus expanded to accommodate her. Nothing I could do about it.

So yes, it is really hard for some of us.

Kristin L

Veteran

If she's always been inconsiderate, then I can totally why you feel how you do. I haven't been pregnant, but I do remember one friend how would eat breakfast when she got into work because she usually spent the drive there getting sick in a bucket. I think she had morning sickness her whole pregnancy, so she became very good at getting sick and driving at the same time. But, she still did her best to do her job the whole time. Is it possible for your co-worker to sit down and do her exams? Or to do paperwork or something like that while she eats?

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Bottom line, some people -- male or female -- will take advantage of ay situation that allows them some leeway to skate through their responsibilities, while others pick up the slack. This might describe your colleague. Or she might really be unable to do much right now. Either way, it sucks, and I'm sorry it's making your already-stressful job harder.

Reading this thread has made me kinda glad I've never been (and never will be) through a pregnancy.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Every pregnancy is different and they can't really be compared. I've only been pregnant the one time but I threw up several times a day every single day of the entire pregnancy and then developed sciatica and high blood pressure in my 8th month and had to leave work and get bed rest until my due date. BUT I never called in sick, arrived late, left early or shirked my duties while working. However not everyone is able to do that.

I do think it's unfortunate that your colleague's pregnancy is resulting in more work for you Anna and there are definitely people who take advantage of the situation.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Ugh, lost my first response.

Basically I think society is expected to do far more than is really fair to accommodate people's personal choices these days. I think if a person is unable to fulfill their job duties they should take their leave of absence or maybe switch to a different job (and maybe lower pay if that lesser job doesn't pay as well) and not create additional workload and stress on the rest of the staff.

Edit: I should have added that I realize you don't choose to be sick or unable to do your job in pregnancy but it certainly comes with the territory in a large number of women (most?) so if you don't anticipate it, you're probably in denial. I meant that having children is a choice. I've had at least 5 experiences working with pregnant women myself and none were able to get through it without taking at least some sick time off and also leaving unexpectedly during the day or taking 3 hours at the doc's office because they were behind schedule. I think it would be much more fair to speak to the employer early on and try to figure out a solution that will work for all involved, instead of just expecting everyone to deal with it when it happens.

Elly

Veteran

This is a rough one.

Some pregnancies can be very uncomfortable and/or have serious complications.

Eating after a certain time of day may be the only way to keep it down. Some people's morning sickness can be exacerbated by motion, so she may not be able to eat before work unless she could commute earlier. Some people really do develop complications that keep them from standing for long-- the blood pressure issues mentioned, and or skeletal issues with the back and pelvis.

That said, some people work the system and take advantage of things. The only way you'd be able to tell for sure is if she feels comfortable discussing her pregnancy with you/bitching to you. Is she doing any exams at all? Do they have her on a modified duty plan? I would consider asking my boss if she could do "x" for you because you are doing the call/her exams. Not complaining to him about what she isn't doing, but suggest that you could use help with "x". It plays to a supervisors love of teamwork and team players. If she does have a modified duty plan but it doesn't involve her doing things to help her colleagues, I would suggest you and others mention to your supervisor that since you are doing more exams that you have less time for "X".

Although I don't know exactly what you do, it does sound as though your supervisor is maybe clueless about how to really handle the situation. Either it is a very serious medical issue, she is refusing to try certain things, or your supervisor is afraid of recourse or just not willing to suggest things like doing exams from a stool, ect. Some supervisors that don't regularly deal with injuries or disabilities on the job don't really understand what reasonable accommodation is under the law.

I hope it is a case of a real medical need. As a person with a disability I do my very best to never rest on that designation or inconvenience others, which means the few times I have to avoid pulling my weight with a certain task most people are understanding because they know I am hardworking and can relate to having a day where they are well enough to work but don't feel up to lifting, ect. People that shirk duties make it a lot harder for women and people with legitimate medical problems and disabilities to get hired and maintain good rapport with co-workers.

elpgal

Veteran

Anna, can you or your boss talk to HR to figure out whether this is a case of reasonable accommodations or advantage taking?

MsMary

Veteran

Yes, it can definitely be that hard on some women.

And it's easy to say women shouldn't work through their pregnancies if they are not operating at the top of their game, but in this country we have no social policies in place to permit pregnant women and mothers to stay home when they need to, and I don't think it's good social policy to say "don't get pregnant if you're not wealthy enough to stay home for 9 months," even if such a thing were enforceable.

I think if I were in your place, Anna, it would be easier on my own mental health to assume the co-worker is operating in good faith and just put my head down and count the days until things get back to normal.

Archer

Veteran

It can be difficult for some people to understand why everyone is not embracing their pregnancy with awe of the incredible thing that you feel you are doing, when you are pregnant.

It can be equally difficult for people who crave attention to realise why everything they do doesn't get as much attention as having a baby.

Hard to judge your manager's response properly without knowing how regularly he hears you (or other's hear you) complaining about the unfairness of your workload. He knows pregnancy is not an illness and it doesn't tend to be an ongoing drag for him.

kkards

Veteran

i don't have any experiance with being pregnant. but i do have experiance with being part of (or all of) the team left to pick up the workload.
i'm going to suggest talking to your boss about what happens during your co-workers maternity break. how/who will be covering etc. then start the conversation about if any of these plans could be started or phased in now, so that the dept has time to adapt/adjust them.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

If women were given the opportunity to stay home during their pregnancy, plus had the right to additional maternity leave, would this situation in turn negatively affect the employability of all women of childbearing age whether they have a desire for children or not?

These are really complicated issues with wide reaching ramifications.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I'm seeing a real schism here between women who have been pregnant and women who haven't.

Anna, the short answer is that yes, pregnancy can be hard. It's easy to assume a person is in full control of their body functions at all times but a pregnant woman absolutely is not. This is a strange concept to most Western woman who think the mind controls the body, but trust me, it is true. Many women can soldier through the weirdness, some women can't. Some women feel like they deserve to pamper themselves, others set their jaws. It depends on the person and the pregnancy. But saying a pregnant lady should suck it up and be just like a nonpregnant lady is just not right.

I also say, as a working mother, that the US system is absolutely
set up to screw you when you are pregnant and having kids, so taking
advantage of what you can get is A-OK by me.

I don't agree with your friends who say the woman is a lazy bitch.
That really IS a lack of empathy IMO. Think of this woman as having a
broken leg or migraines and unable to take the full time off she needs and cut her a break.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for all you insight.
I think it boils down to staffing issues. We just don't have coverage sometimes. Right now I'm in the middle of a hell day due to multiple people being out.

amiable

Veteran

Thank you for trying to be empathetic. It really does suck that you have to pick up this girl's slack.

Preganancy can be that hard sometimes. With my last one, I thought I was being a wimp to feel crummy all the time, and pushed through it. In fact, I pushed too hard, and the baby was born preemie and had to be in the NICU for 2.5 weeks and closely monitored for 3 months after that. (That to say, that pushing too hard during pregnancy really can endanger both mom and baby).

Hil

(website)

Veteran

This woman is in her third trimester right? That is a hard and tiring time even for a good pregnancy. Unless you have been through it, I don't think you can really get it - but I appreciate that you are at least trying to be empathetic.

I agree with some of the other posters that it is really not ideal for a woman to be working late into her pregnancy and that working hard and long can lead to some nasty complications like preterm labour.

I hope things ease up for you soon!

Irene

Veteran

Is having your period that hard? I think it's the same idea. Actually, I think any kind of 'abnormal' bodily experience can be different from one person to the other. Friends of mine go through their periods without feeling anything apart from it being a chore. One of my closests friends, however, is known for going to the hospital in various occasions because of how much it hurt. Personally, it doesn't get that bad for me but it does get bad. I get sick. I'm literally ill on my two first days of my period. Even when I take pills to make the pain bearable, I still feel very dizzy, sick and weak. As if I had the flu. And I need to eat all the time. Actually, I always need to eat all the time, otherwise I may faint (quite literally). It's embarrassing to admit to other female colleagues that you can't be a perfect worker on those days because they might or might not understand, depending on how they personally experience it. And it's not like you can take a monthly day-leave just because you are an ovulating woman. If I could choose to have it on the weekends, I would, just to be able to stay in bed all day, but I don't think I can do that. I've been lucky enough that my female bosses have always understood my needs -probably because I tried to be a good worker during the rest of the month- and have even told me to go home and take some rest just by the look of my washed-out face.

I think that if we women can't be condescending with each other when only-women things like this happen to us, I don't know who will.

I can't say whether your colleague is taking advantage of the situation or not. She might be. But then again, she might really need to eat more often and not stand for long periods of times. Who knows.

What are the rights for a pregnant woman/new-mother? Do they get paid even when they are not working? Can they return to their previous jobs when the leave is over? I know the first one is pretty secured in my country. The second one, not so much.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

Interesting and varied responses.

Another factor is that if you are in a female dominated profession and if there happens to be a shortage of individuals trained in that profession, the employer is exposed to risk of not finding enough qualified employees if they disregard the personal needs of their employees. Having said that, it is equally risky to allow the others in the unit to become disenchanted as a result of the accommodations.

In Canada, we have stronger social programs in some areas and maternity and parental leave is one of them. Although mothers are entitled to 15 weeks of maternity leave, there is an additional period up to a year of leave that either parent can take. Most government and many large corporations provide a top-up to the employment insurance benefits during this period so often the father will take the leave if he's the higher earner and has this benefit. It has been a great equalizer for young women seeking employment as employers did have a tendency to be concerned about finding maternity leave replacements.

I had a relatively easy pregnancy but was beyond exhausted for the first month or two and took a few days off work because I couldn't get moving. I worked on Friday, was admitted to the hospital Saturday, and had my child on Sunday. A friend of mine was not so lucky. She was ill the entire time, carried a huge amount of fluid and could barely walk for the last 4 months.

I sympathize with those women who are so large and cumbersome that you can see it is a chore to just get out of a chair.

Sona

Veteran

Anna: I hope this can help you : The number of induced labor, C-sections and preterm deliveries has gone up dramatically and there is a significant link between women working full time and the abovementioned outcomes.

I needed to sleep for 12 hours during my first trimester- so I pretty much worked and slept. In my seventh month the resident doctor on my team at work was extremely incompetent and mouthy. My blood pressure rose and my OB told me he would put me on permanent restrictions unless I took a nap daily. I lied and said sure I will do that. You cannot be a busy hospitalist supervising an incompetent resident and take a nap! As soon as he got off my service my blood pressure normalized. However a week prior I was hospitalized with preterm labor and syncope.

My last month I had unexpected bleeding and was taken off work.

In the end I worked to my maximum capacity for 9 months and ended up with induced labor, an emergency C-section, a baby who needed to be in the neonatal intensive care unit and lost three liters of blood.

So yes, pregnancy can be devastating on the body. Some need to eat all the time, some need more sleep, some need a nap! ( Doctor's orders!!)

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