Interesting conversation with partner re: style goals - YouLookFab Forum

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Interesting conversation with partner re: style goals

Sylvie

Veteran

A few days ago, the logo popped off the side of my current (and perfect) glasses (#1), leaving an ugly empty spot on the arm. I had been eyeing a fun, dramatic pair of glasses (#2,3) at a local discount place and now had the perfect justification to buy them instead of waiting till next year, by which time they'd be sold out and I'd have to settle. So I did.

I came home and warned the husband that I had just gotten "really crazy fun glasses", because he is often a little concerned that my clothes are too bold. He then asked how often I'd wear the glasses or if I'd feel comfortable wearing them to work, with family, etc. Didn't it make sense to buy a more low key pair if I was wearing them every day? He mentioned that I bought a lot of dramatic items and he was always trying to pull me back to the less dramatic side of the continuum.

(I should interject here that we are at a reasonable equilibrium when it comes to giving each other style advice. He was right that the corset wasn't appropriate at my birthday party and I was right that my laceup Melissas are appropriate for work. He doesn't like my diagonal striped red/orange top or wide black belt with two buckles but I wear them anyway. When it comes to his own outfits, he's always willing to accept my input)

I pointed out that although even though I'm low key on the surface, inside of me there is a dramatic person trying to get out. So long as he wasn't embarassed to be seen with me and my outfits weren't *really* inappropriate, I wanted to wear them. Also, I'm currently experimenting with different looks, which means that every outfit isn't always going to be perfect *and* I'm dressing to please myself and not others (friends, family, random strangers)

And then, it all clicked for him.

So long as I was experimenting and having fun, he was 100% on board. He had been concerned that I didn't think I was pretty and was buying bold clothing to try and compensate for that lack of self esteem and to make myself look good to other people/society. Since he obviously has a high opinion of my beauty, he didn't think I needed to try so hard or call attention to myself. Once he believed I was happy with my looks and wearing my clothes with confidence, he was completely comfortable.

I know a lot of ladies on his forums have had to manage their partner's reactions as/when they changed their style. Even though we weren't in conflict over my evolving style, it was still eye opening to discover the root of my husband's aversion to "bold/drama".

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17 replies

Latest reply was from Ingunn

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I really know what you're talking about...my DH is the same way. I would say if you love 'em, wear 'em! Life is too short to just do what we 'should' do, as opposed to what we, deep down inside, really want to do and wear!

Jules

Veteran

Very interesting!
For years my DH was the clotheshorse. For years, he encouraged me to spend money on myself when I really didn't want to. A few times he had to tell me that some old thing wasn't working for me anymore.
Now that I'm into it he's generally supportive but there are some bolder choices he doesn't get. And a few times he has wondered what I have going on at work that day that I need to be dressed up for. He's not a jealous guy generally but I can see his mind wandering that way a bit.
Now I am the one telling him he (DESPERATELY) needs new jeans...

Caro in Oz

Veteran

What a great conversation to have Sylvie. My husband wears more classic clothing & we have a short-hand: "Do you like it for me or for you?" otherwise he'd have me wearing the female version of his clothing.

catgirl

Veteran

So wonderful to even have this conversation!

As for strong glasses, wearing them every day is the reason they should be a statement! IMHO, of course.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

It is so nice your husband could put into words his thoughts and emotions, he sounds like a smart cookie AND of course the glasses look fab!

Raisin

Veteran

Aw what a great DH you have! I'm glad he saw what it is you are doing wi experimenting on style, and that he's all on board now. That's going to make the experimenting so much more fun!

rachylou

Veteran

That IS an interesting conversation.

I can't imagine having so psychologically complex a conversation with my bf. Lol. Besides being the strong silent type, he's from the school of don't push yourself forward. Period. On the other hand, I know he's a good man because, despite *the rules*, if he picks something for me it will have lots of color and be bold because I like that.

***
Oh wait, I have to take something back: I can't imagine having a bf who'd have a psychologically complex conversation... Lol.

Aida

Veteran

How sweet of him! Mine was like that too, until I got to the "I'm confident" phase and now he'll (rather begrudgingly) voice his opinions when I ask; tough skin is needed It's always interesting to see what is behind those opinions though, it's almost never what I think it is.

And those new specs are going to look awesome on you, I can already tell.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Those glasses are so. totally. cool! And if DH thinks those are out there, just send him on down to LA, ok? They are fun, yes, but I think they are totally you and still low key enough to wear every day.

I have a similar dynamic with my Hubs. He pulls me back every so often, even though I will happily go off the deep end despite what he says sometimes.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I think that is sweet. Big props for the boy!

RunningSue

Cannot even begin to have this conversation with my DH. He is conservative and only buys what he needs, no more. He does not understand my need to dress well even though it is for myself and no one else. I did buy a pair of purple glasses which he has not seen yet but I am sure he will not like. I pick them up next week. I buy to please me and have learned not to ask his opinion. Otherwise I would be wearing all body con clothes!
You are fortunate to have a supportive DH.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Sylvie, I adore your new glasses! They will look so fun on you.

And what a lovely conversation to have. I am so pleased that your husband understands your motivations better now. And his love for you is evident. It's a helpful reminder to all of us to check our assumptions when our partners criticize a fashion choice.

Sylvie

Veteran

Thank you everyone for your comments and love of the specs! I've been wanting a pair of frames from this brand for a while but this is the first time I'd found a pair within my price range.

Just to be clear, the husband has never restricted my clothing purchases or told me what I can or cannot wear. I always do what I want anyway, but since I do ask for his opinion on various outfits or K/R's, we're now closer to being on the same page. I could write an essay about all the reasons I appreciate him, but I don't want to be obnoxious. Just trust that I appreciate my good fortune.

BM: So true. It's hard to shake off social conditioning and be willing to take risks, whether it's in what we wear or other aspects of life.

Jules: I really find it interesting to see how the give and take between partners works out in the smaller issues (as opposed to religion, family, money, etc). I enjoyed your story of how your stylist roles have changed in your relationship.

Caro: Hehe, that's a very apt short-hand. And you just gave me an idea for a wardrobe challenge - wear an outfit inspired by your partner's style.

AG: Agree with you 100%. If we have to wear glasses anyway, we may as well own it.

RoseandJoan: Thanks! He *is* a good communicator and admittedly has better social skills than me.

RR: Thank you! I don't expect his style preferences to change, but I should get less of the "are you sure about that?"

Rachylou: It sounds like your BF gets you without words. That's an impressive skill.

Aida: Agree that partners are really valuable stylists but yes, you won't always hear what you want. The husband is pretty good at articulating his likes and dislikes (stripes are widening) but this particular revelation did surprise me.

Rae: Thank you for your specs love! He hasn't seen them on me but was concerned by the description of them as sparkly. I didn't know anyone could restrain an UWP - they are forces to be reckoned with.

IK: He deserves those props for his patience with the clothing thing.

Sue: I know how lucky I am. Our partners can be good sources of feedback but in the end, it's up to us to decide how we want to dress and what we want to project to the world. Your purple glasses sound fab! Will you be posting them?

Suz: Thank you. You are very articulate. I spent more of my young adult years than I'd care to admit taking words at face value and not being able to read the subtext behind them.

soobee

Veteran

Late to the party but I'm with Suz, "It's a helpful reminder to all of us to check our assumptions when our partners criticize a fashion choice." Men can *sometimes* be more complex than we think. What a lovely man yours is I love those glasses, can't wait to seem them on you.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Sylvie, you should try glasses with interchangeable temples so that you can have it both ways!
I got myself a pair, they are from the brand Dilem http://www.dilem.fr/en/, I don't know if other companies do it too.
Below I'm wearing it with my blue temples, but I also have white. They also have wider ones. The branches are very easy to switch and you store them in a little pouch.

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Sylvie

Veteran

Thanks Soobee!

Krishni, those glasses are fabulous on you. I did take a look at their website earlier this year when I was shopping around but they didn't have any frames without nose pads, which is a deal breaker for me.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

I adore this story! What a caring and concerned man - he's a keeper for sure. Your new specs look very exciting, to, and I'm sure they will work very well for you.