If Your Partner Dislikes Something.... - YouLookFab Forum

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If Your Partner Dislikes Something....

Nicole

Veteran

How many of you will return something that you like because your sig. other claims not to like something? Or change your outfit if they comment they don't like the look?

For the most part, I won't return anything that I am confident that I like. If I'm on the fence about something, and my husband admits he does not like it, then I may return it--but if I KNOW I like it, then I'll keep it.

But the other night we were getting dressed to go out for Sushi. I was wearing my skinny jeans and brown boots and decided to just change my top. I put on my long cowl neck BR sleeveless shirt with a cropped purple cardigan over it. It was very 80's, because of the layering and the color combos. My husband said he didn't like it--it reminded him of the 80's. (I pointed out that that was the intended style, but he said he didn't like it then and he doesn't like it now).
I was surprised at how insecure I felt about that outfit--I did end up changing my top. I went with a plum cami, a knit button down patterned shirt, and the purple cardi. It was still a layered look, but the colors were more muted and the layering effect less obvious.

My best friend has bought and returned several pair of really cute boots because her husband didn't like them. We went out to dinner with them that same night I changed my outfit, and the subject of her boot returns came up. He said he preferred smooth leather to suede and he didn't like wedge heels. Well my friend isn't evenn 5' tall, she likes to wear heels, but in the winter, wedge heels are much more practical. On the other hand, she has a pair of boots that he bought her as a gift, and she wears them, even though she does not like them very much.

I'm just curious to what extent do you consider your partners opinion on what you wear.

General

23 replies

Latest reply was from Munequita

Patience

Veteran

Nicole, I was thinking about asking this exact question. When I tried my two pairs of Doc Martens and my husband had an extreme allergic reaction, I admit that it really killed my excitement. Granted, he was working at the time and was *really* stressed so I'm guessing the negativity wasn't completely the fault of the new boots. But I know what you mean. I'd like to think I have the confidence to wear what I like irrespective of what my husband thinks but the reality is that I want to be complemented on my outfits in particular by him. Like you if I really like an outfit or item, I will keep it and wear it but I can't help but not feel completely fantastic about it. If I'm not sure then I'll probably return the item.

I think my husband prefers not to give opinions in general. Because he doesn't believe he's an expert and he's afraid of making me unhappy.

Sometimes, something is so different that people can be shocked into a negative reaction but then change their opinion in time. This should be taken into account. And if a partner is not an expert, maybe we should get second and third opinions. I.e. post your outfit here Nicole and we can boost your confidence or give credit to your husband. As for your friend and the boots, I feel like that's going a little too far. Part of dressing well is wanting to know that people like the way you look. I think it's okay to have someone supporting you in this respect and it doesn't always have to be your partner. But it's normal to want their approval. Maybe the context in your case also plays a big role. You're going on a date with your husband so naturally you want to be appealing to him. Maybe this means that the outfit will serve you for other occasions when he's not around.

Violet

I was thinking about this and I can only remember a couple of times that my husband has said he did not like something I was wearing. I recall that both those times he said that b/c what I was wearing wasn't exactly flattering for my body.

If he said that he didn't like something I was wearing, I would definitely take it into consideration and figure out why he was saying it. I actually think most times, I am more picky than he is. I think if he had a real dislike for what I was wearing, I would probably feel a bit self conscious and change into something different.

When I got my latest haircut, I wasn't sure about it at first, but when my husband confirmed he liked it that made me feel better. As for clothes, I pretty much buy whatever I want and rely on the feedback from YLF more than anything if I need help deciding what looks good.

I know that when I feel stylish and pulled together I feel more confident and I know that is a quality my husband likes, regardless of what I am wearing.

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

VERY interesting topic.
Like Patience's husband, mine prefers not to comment because he considers ME the expert. I think asking him what he thinks may put him in a difficult position at times. Sometimes though, I need the affirmation - especially when trying a new look. I try to distinguish personal taste (in which case I would wear it, just not on days I want to look especially appealing to him) and things that genuinely do not look flattering. My dear husband has watched several What Not To Wear/Tim Gunn's Guide to Style Shows with me (and for me, I might add) and listens to me prattle on and on about things I learn from YLF, etc. So sometimes he does say "that is not the most flattering because of X, Y, or Z" and in those instances I realize that he's right.
Because I naturally like to please my husband, I will tend to wear things around him that he has complimented since he rarely dislikes things I wear.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

My husband has great taste, so I do trust and welcome his opinions on my clothes. There are times we disagree on something I'm wearing, and it usually does kill my enthusiasm for whatever it is, and conversely, his enthusiasm for an outfit cements my enjoyment of it too.

That said, I have learned over time there are styles and fabrics he just doesn't like as much as I do, so I now ignore his lukewarm reaction to it. For instance, he doesn't like patent or crinkled patent bags (!!). Guess who wins that one? He also thinks I have too many suede shoes, but I love the look so I don't care. Heh.

judy

Veteran

That's a tough call. I don't recall my husband ever really saying he hated anything I wore...he rarely comments except to say he likes how I dress...and when I have asked his opinion, say on shoes that I've bought online and am undecided about, I was surprised how many opinions he had! But they were very positive really. And I ended up keeping them, and later he said "aren't you glad you kept them!" and he felt very proud of his contribution :).

I've also asked his opinion when I'm deciding between a couple of outfits, and he seems to enjoy that level of involvement. It's easy for him to say which he likes and why. Contribution is helpful, but dictating I would personally find oppressive. While I would take his feelings on anything wardrobe-wise into account were he to express them, I also know that he admires that I go my own way with it in confidence.

But I probably would have done like you, Nicole, if hypothetically we were on our way out the door and he were to say, oh, maybe that's not such a good look, then in that moment, I might decide to change so I won't feel self-conscious about it all night, and then later, sort it out for myself...but I think he kind of knows not to say that in a way because it's such a personal choice, and I think he wants me to feel confident in my choices. But in the case of your friend, that would really annoy me if my husband wanted to decide on the texture and heel height of my boots! He knows that wouldn't fly with me at all!

Nicole

Veteran

judy, that is cute the way you described your husband's involvement and his being proud of helping you.

When my husband commented on the 80's thing--he saw me standing in front of the mirror assessing my outfit. I know he thought he was trying to help me decide--I don't think he realized that I had mentally committed to the outfit as "working". I was not offended or anything like that--I was just surprised at how much his opinion mattered to me. Maybe I wasn't as confident about it as I thought. :/ He always did have an aversion for fashion of the 80's--I think it embarasses him.

I'm finding everyone's responses very interesting and entertaining!

Ana

(website)

Veteran

Brendan is very much an "It looks fine," kind of guy. 98% of the time, if I ask him if he likes something, he'll say, "Yeah...it looks fine." The other 1.5% of the time, he'll say, "Yeah, that's interesting. I really like that," and the remaining 0.5% is "I'm sorry, but I don't like that at all," with the VERY rare, "I'm sorry, but I hate that." That's what I got when I wanted to cut my hair to shoulder or chin length--"I'm sorry, but I hate that haircut on you." With a little more coaxing, I got him to admit that he would rather it be very very short, or long, but not in between. And he said he liked my hair long only because I could pull it back and he could see my neck and ears, which he had never told me before (if he had, I would have cut it short a long time ago, lol). If something falls into that tiny portion of the time that Brendan says he really dislikes something, I will usually take his feelings into account and return/not buy the item.

But, having said that, my "chef" Chloe blouse falls into that "I hate it" category, and I love that blouse, so it's mine and I wear it all the time because it makes me feel good to wear it, regardless of what he says. He's very nice about it, he doesn't say anything when I wear it. I know he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I wear (grungy paint clothes up to a cocktail dress), and he does think I look nice most of the time. That gives me confidence to wear things he doesn't like. I just make an effort not to wear them when we go on dates and things.

shiny

Veteran

It's very rare that my DH would ever say anything - positive or negative - about what I wear - as long as I have on flat, comfy shoes, he's happy!

So when he compliments me it really means something, because usually he just doesn't notice these sorts of things (and yes, since YLF he compliments me more and more often, which is rather nice). His compliments tend to be specific too, which I love - because it feels more genuine. He's not just flattering me; he really has noticed some little detail or other, and admires it.

When he says something negative.... which is quite rare... I do take notice.

He would never tell me something made me look fat (he's been well-trained on that point), but he has said he didn't care for something because of the material or the color or the style - such as your DH's comment, Nicole. My DH likes 80s styles a lot, but there are certain decades and fashion trends he doesn't care for, so he would say something about those. But he always words it in a "to each his own" way that makes it perfectly okay if I still want to wear it anyway. Which I often do!

And I do the same in return to him as well.

From personal experience, I would never have married DH if he was too particular about how I dress, or if he expected me to choose all his clothing and do his shopping for him. I've BTDT and that sort of relationship just did not serve me well.

But, I'm talking about the kind of partner who makes control-freakish comments, making cutting remarks to play with your self-esteem, and gets jealous if you wear something too low cut or figure-flattering. The kind of partner with whom no matter what you do, you can't seem to do anything right.

Nicole - your DH is in no way that type!!! I'm just going back into memory lane... and counting my blessings that my DH is such a peach!

I actually wouldn't mind dressing DH up... and I've tried... but he firmly resists. So I don't push it. He does wear a handful of items I've purchased through the years, but all of them (except his leather jacket) are duplicates of items he already wears and loves, or vintage finds.

I would love to find him a vintage silk smoking jacket for xmas!!

shiny

Veteran

Nicole, *of course* his opinion matters to you!!!

It better... he's your life-mate! His opinion should matter to you more than anyone else in the world (except your own self).

So, that doesn't mean you can't still wear that 80s outfit, when he wears white sneaks in winter.

"To each his own" - that's what makes a happy marriage!

Anonymous

Unfortunately my husband doesn't care about style at all. He doesn't have an opinion about how we decorate our house either. He just says for me to pick out what I want. I wish he would give some help with these matters sometimes. If I tell him I need his help he will stop and think about it and give some opinions for me, but in reality he doesn't care at all about style or decorating. He'd prefer I just wore jeans and T shirts and no makeup and saved the money. The only thing he has ever commented on is when my hair was cut to short for my face several times in a row. He commented that it was too short, and I had to agree with him on that.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

I read and digested this topic earlier today and now that I check in again, Shiny echoes my thoughts exactly. If once in a while your DH offers up an opinion, positive or negative, I'd honor it because his opinion matters. But there's a big difference between a healthy "I really like that" or "I really don't prefer that" and someone who tries to control you by controlling what you wear, and messing with your self-esteem. I know exactly what you mean, Shiny! Amen.

celia

Veteran

This really got me thinking!!

Usually my husband is the kind of husband that says 'you look beautiful to me no matter what' but makes remarks if he really thinks I look wonderful or if he feels that I'm to dress down for a specific ocasion.

But, in the days he's up to it shopping with him is very good. Although his taste in colors is a it 'safe ' for me he gives excelent advise and I always leave the store with very good things and with a feeling of a good experience.

I think that up to a point I dress to please him but I wouldn't return something just because he didn't like it.And sometimes wear things that are not really his favourites but he also, like shiny says, has his moments

He really likes when we go shopping and he ocasionaly wakes me up to ask wich tie goes with wich shirt but apart from that he doesn't feel that I have to dress him.

Anonymous

That is really sweet Celia that your husband goes shopping with you. Team work!
Concerning my previous comment on my husband having no opinion on what I wear, I want to add that I much prefer his ways to a controlling husband who, in Shiney's words, makes control freakish comments and cutting remarks. I have been there too and that is a deal breaker.

Tanya

Veteran

I have been also thinking about this, and found something to relate to in a lot of your answers.

In general, my BF rarely says anything unless it's either really good or really bad. And if I ask him, he will usually say " You look great" unless it's one of the two extremes.

He has a really good eye for color and basic fit so I seek his advice on that if we are in the stores together ( which it's extremely rare). It took me a while though to convince him that all I wanted was his really honest opinion, that the questions weren't a test and that there was no right or wrong (expected) answer.

On the other hand, though he never exactly voiced it, I think that he thinks that I dress up too much and am a bit too high maintenance. I think he really wishes I dressed down more in casual clothes and payed less attention in general to my wardrobe. Quite a few times when we lived together we would be lounging around the house ( sweats and everything) and he'd want to go for a quick walk or errand, and would be slightly annoyed waiting for me to change, since I refuse to go out in sweatpants. He always insisted that it was perfectly fine.

The biggest thing for him is footwear, since he likes to walk a lot and fast he would easily get annoyed at my wedges ( 8-hour shoes , but not perfectly suited for walking fast uphill) and other shoes. He tried numerous times to convince me to buy and wear on daily basis white workout sneakers ( it never happened). Last time I visited him I was wearing my new grey Converse and he was showering me with compliments about how great I looked in them. Recently when I expressed interest in Docs after Angie's blog post he was thrilled and insisted that he gets them for me as an early Christmas present.

I think he would be happiest if I constantly wore tight jeans, tight t-shirts and sneakers, he likes casual clothes and also formfitting ones. So I try to indulge him on our visits, well at least I'll wear comfy flats shoes; and for date nights I try to wear something ( color or shape) that he likes. But most of the time I wear what I want.

anne

Veteran

A very timely topic Nicole, which I was thinking about today. I asked my DH about having a fringe cut, which the hairdresser suggested last visit, and he reiterated that I don't look as good with a fringe. (He'd also prefer it long, which is why I have been growing it)
He is pretty easy going usually, and much more likely to say that I looked nice than make a negative comment. He has been quite good to go shopping with, because he helps me make up my mind, but isn't very patient and doesn't really enjoy it, so I try not to inflict it on him.
I can only remember buying one thing which he didn't like - my cropped pleather jacket. I was absolutely certain I liked it. He came around later. I think he just had to adjust his eye.
One of his objections in fashion at the moment is belts not being worn at the natural waist. I tried on a shirtdress the other day that was great except that it gaped slightly under the bust. I thought wearing a belt over it (similiar to how Violet did with her sleeveless tunic) would solve that problem, but knew he wouldn't like it, so didn't buy it
He isn't rapt in the smock like look either, and prefers form fitting (though modest) styles. (but I have been wearing smocks anyway, with 3 pregnancies and their aftermath to get through)

I do try to take his preferences on board and wouldn't wear something he absolutly hated. When we were going out, he said he wouldn't interfere with my clothing as he thought it should be my personal expression. He mostly only says things when I ask!

Ana

(website)

Veteran

Tanya, how funny that Peter likes you dress more casually. Brendan is the complete opposite. He always complains that I don't dress up very smartly when we are together at home, or go run errands (I dress up more if we are going out someplace as a date). I usually wear my red converse or ballet flats, a plain cami and a cardigan, and my trouser leg medium wash Express jeans. And I usually take off all my jewelry, too. Not smart casual, but not really "jeans, trainers, and a t-shirt casual" either. At home I change into my lounge pants and a t-shirt or sweater almost right away. I think he wishes I would wear more form fitting and shorter stuff though, hee.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Wow! What a fab thread. Very, very interesting. I hear similarities and differences.

Greg and I like the same things (for me and for himself). I really respect his aesthetic opinion. So I have no entertaining stories to share at this point. But I know that if blouses and dresses get too ruffle-y and romantic – it’s problematic. That’s okay, I have plenty of sleek and streamlined clothing too. But it’s no secret that I like ruffles, and I wear them anyway.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

Clearly a thought provoking topic! Andrew hates shopping, so its rare I get to drag him along with me. Even then he tries to hang outside each shop and wait. But when he's forced inside, he gives me great advice. Like sarbear's partner, I think watching WNTW, PR and Tim Gunn have helped with that!!

He does compliment me when he likes what I'm wearing too, whether it be when I'm rushing around in the morning, or when we're on our way out to dinner. I have to admit I like those compliments - makes me feel good for the rest of the day!

As for when he doesn't like something - he lets me know. Strangely enough he has an aversion to cardigans, big buttons and stripes. All of which I love!!! Doesn't stop me from wearing them at all cos I love them, in fact sometimes I wear them deliberately to torture him!

Now what about things your partner wears that you hate? Andew has this SS shirt his sister gave him last Christmas I hate! It has the loudest, palest, most obnoxious print on it and its a couple of sizes too big. I won't let him wear it out when he's with me, but I know he does when I'm not around. Ugh!!!

Nicole

Veteran

yublocka, I have made some really atrocious items disappear from his side of the closet.

shiny

Veteran

Yublocka, what usually works for me is dropping a comment "oh, my ex always wears shirts like that." hee hee.

I've never made anything of his mysteriously disappear, but we once did have the "laundry wars" - he did my laundry and mangled a few cherished items and I did his laundry and mangled a few of his cherished items. Ever since, we do our own laundry. We're both uber-particular about laundering, and have different methods and preferences.

More often, I use the "replacement" strategy. Most of DH's clothing choices are perfectly fine with me (I love preppy look), what bugs me is that he prefers to wear a size (or two or three) too large (thinking it makes him look broader chested), or that he will wear something well beyond the time when any normal person will have thrown it away (grease stains, tears, threadbare, holes in shoes or sweater, etc). That's his frugal nature (which will come in handy in these rough economic times).

But I will duplicate an item he wears often but is getting too worn out... and buy it in the right size. This works rather well with him, and he is not likely to return or re-gift such gifts - especially if I pay keen attention to why he likes the item so much (color, fabric, etc - he is a stickler when it comes to fabrics in particular; cannot have any acrylic or polyester).

Tanya, DH also loves it if I dress down. I don't think he thinks I'm "high-maintenance" - he gets it that fashion is my hobby and passion, just as gardening is his. So he never objects when I come home loaded with bags or announce I need to get some "exercise" shopping in the mall. But, he loves it when I lounge around in old ugly sweats three sizes too big - particularly if my hair is a mess.

And he tells me over and over again to wear practical, comfortable shoes. That's the one area he DOES harp on. "I told you to wear flat shoes!" However, he did gallantly carry me to the car the night we went to that fashion show and my feet were bleeding and blistered by the end... he understood for that occasion I was going to wear killer (literally) heels, come heck or high water!!!

BLB

(website)

What a great thread!

My husband, Mike, has a strong dislike of collared shirts (on me--he loves to wear them). No idea why. He just doesn't like them. And I don't like ironing them! I generally avoid buying these, since it's really the only item of clothing he strongly dislikes on me. I will buy button-downs with necklines that are a bit different (mandarin collar, ruffles, tie-neck, etc.) on occasion. He also prefers it when I wear clear, strong colours or black. He thinks they look better on me with my light colouring and finds that pastels wash me out. That's my preference too, so it works. I do have a couple of paler pink sweaters, though. He also hates blousy tops, sack dresses, and other non-fitted items. These aren't good for my body type anyway! He prefers fitted things because they're more flattering on me, and he's right about that!

One random thing he likes are jeans and pants with pockets on the rear... so he can stick his hand in them when we're walking, ha ha! He's always disappointed if I wear pants without butt pockets!

He hates to shop, but he has a great eye for fit and colour, so I'll drag him along sometimes, especially if I'm considering a big-ticket item (IE something over $50, or something I'll wear a lot, like a coat--that's big-ticket for me right now). Otherwise I'll get his opinion on anything I'm unsure about when I bring it home. I'm doing a wardrobe purge right now, so I've been asking him about every item I'm unsure of.

I do have one jacket that he dislikes and I like. I wear it anyway. He would never, ever tell me not to wear something or try to dictate my wardrobe to me. I only know his preferences because I ask him for specifics. He does the same with me, asking what I like on him and if things fit or look good.

I do know he loves it when I wear skirts/dresses. I love them too, especially comfortable day dresses, so I'm trying to work more of those into my wardrobe. He also likes my hair longer, so I'm growing it out. If I decide I don't like it, though, I'll chop it! He keeps his hair very short because I prefer it that way, and he keeps his facial hair how I like it, too, although he experiments when he feels like it. We do those things because we like to be attractive to each other and we value the other's opinion, though, not out of a sense of obligation. It's fun.

judy

Veteran

What an interesting thread this is! It's made me reflect a bit more on wanting/needing my mates approval...and I am more aware that it actually does feel really good to get a "wow, you look great" from him in response to what I am wearing or a "very nice" when I might model a new purchase.

It was funny because last night I was looking at some down type jackets online (the one I got last year, or maybe it was the year before...?...it kind of feels like I'm drowning it now) and he happened to look over my shoulder at one on the computer screen that I was considering...and I asked him what he thought...and he had an opinion on it...not on whether he liked it or not, but on whether it would flatter my body type and suit my needs. (he's sat through many a style tv show...not really watching, but working on his laptop while I watch). He really does have good taste and I received his input with an open mind (and heart).

About getting men to dress better...my husband went through a change of style...for the better... when he lost weight about six or so years ago. About that time the old British Trinny and Susannah What Not to Wear show did a show on a man that had virtually the same body type as my husband and I showed him and he saw how easy it was for this very masculine guy to look one hundred percent better with very little effort, it was just a few simple things. I was pleasantly surprised at how open he was to it and that he said hey, I could do that! We went out and got some new stuff (he doesn't really like to shop clothes...gadgets are more his thing) and he really took to it, and like many of us here, people began to respond to him in a much more positive way, so he's kept it up.

Munequita

I loved reading through all of the replies!

Well, my husband is very understanding especially when it comes to style. If I bring home an item that is very different from what I normally wear, and he is not used to, he never says he hates it. He just says he's not used to the look on me and he'll have to give it time to get used to it. He would tell me if he really hated something on me though. He is very good about aesthetics and colors of clothes. Because of that, he is a very cute shopping partner to bring along (I try not to over use him though). He is VERY good if I am looking for a specific item, because he really hunts for it and loves helping me out. He gets especially happy if he finds something for me that I wasn't looking for (I've scored that way many times!). We have very similar tastes in clothes and home decor, thank goodness.

Having said all of that, there are items that I own that he think are 'funny' instead of 'great'. Like for example, I have this pair of riding boots that he just think are 'funny' because his sister was really into horses as a teen. So he just chuckles when I wear them, because he says it reminds him of that. I do not feel insecure when I wear them because I love the look and I understand where he is coming from. He is very easy going and supportive as you can tell.

When we go out on dates, I always ask him if he likes what I'm wearing. So, Nicole, I understand your situation because I think in that case it is not wrong if you wear what he loves. I am lucky because my husband and I have the same taste, so he rarely says he doesn't like something on me. If he would, I would change it for that date though! The thing he does always make sure I have on is comfy shoes when we are going to do a lot of walking! I have lots of cute flats that still meet my smart casual look, so it is easy to slip out of my heels and into those before we head on out (and yes, change pants to meet the PPL rule ;-)).