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I did something I've never done today

MsMaven

Veteran

After going to the mall where I spent several hundred dollars on new jeans, (bigger size for holidays) a couple of sweaters and Uniqlo thermal underwear, I pulled out into the traffic to wait my turn to make a left turn so I could get onto the freeway.

There was a man in the center divider, not unusual. He had a crude cardboard sign but also had something that looked like a certificate hanging around his neck. Now, usually I ignore the panhandlers at traffic stops, but today I took a closer look at him. His sign said he was a Viet Nam war vet. I couldn't see well enough to read the writing on his certificate. He was very thin and looked old and haggard. Suddenly I was struck by a sense that life has changed irrevocably in the last few weeks. I pulled out my wallet, took out $20, and called to him, "Sir." I gave him the money and said "God Bless," which is not something I usually say. He was so gracious and grateful.

I was struck by the fact that I had just spend several hundred dollars on myself in the mall, but I had a feel-good moment for giving this guy a twenty. I immediately regretted not giving him forty or sixty. I don't care what he spent it on--he looked like he didn't have long for this world. Who am I to judge?

I've always been an idealist. Right now I feel pessimistic about our fate. What can I do to change the direction we humans seem to be heading?

(Also, I'm really upset at the news that giraffes are going extinct. What is wrong with us? Do we really not care about the future?)

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54 replies

Latest reply was from Summer

JAileen

Veteran

We have a homeless man who comes to our church. I gave him money a couple weeks ago. A friend said I should have given him a gift card to a sub shop instead, because drugs, etc. But I like what former SF Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll used to recommend, "The Untied Way". So I like what you did, even if you feel like it's not enough.

http://www.sfgate.com/entertai.....318295.php

Re giraffes, I'm reading the Sixth Extinction (Elizabeth Kolbert). I'm not finished, but apparently we're in the middle of another mass extinction. It's interesting and horrifying at the same time. Like a car wreck.

MsMaven

Veteran

Yes, it was a shock for me to realize how judgmental I've been. Lately I'm looking at life with a different perspective.

Thanks for the link: exactly what I've been thinking and feeling. I will check out the Sixth Extinction.

Mochi

Veteran

What you did was really, truly special and meaningful. Thank you. I agree on everything you're saying. (I had no idea about the giraffes....that's just another thing to be upset over)

I feel like we can't wait any longer for other people to fix things for us. We have to take things on ourselves.

Sal

Veteran

I understand MsMaven, I have done similar things recently.

I also feel a change this year- this could get political so skip it if you like. I always thought we were becoming more accepting, more peaceful, more multicultural. I was wrong - it was a very thin veneer. I see inequality and barriers increasing - fences both invisible and visible are being built, between neighbours, between rich and poor schools, and between different communities. Brexit and the election of Trump are reactions to that - and I can empathise with the sentiment that caused these decisions although they are not the decisions I agree with (I know it is more complex than that too). Every day I read about Trump tweets and decisions and I feel more despondent. And I live in New Zealand - so far away and removed.

But how do we respond in a peaceful but strong manner - do we say "this is the way of the world" and look after our own patch, if we are the privileged middle class. Make sure we earn enough to look after our family and build our own fences.

Or do we protest?

Or do we reach out?

I think we have to reach out. We may have to also look after ourselves and we may have to protest - but we have to keep reaching out.

Jaime

I agree Sally. There is more hate than ever in this country -after 8 years with a president who, on paper, you would think would make it much better. When in fact minorities are much worse off than they were and free speech is basically gone. In places like colleges, where you would think that open discussion and differing viewpoints would be welcome, you are not allowed to disagree with anything the administration and certain groups believe. I honestly don't think we could be in a worse state as a country. While I do not love certain aspects of Trump's personality I really really really really hope that you and everyone else can at least give him a chance. I don't think it can get much worse. I have seen more hate and just basically ridiculous human behavior from those who think he should not have been elected than from any group or person who voted for him.

Style Fan

Veteran

Small acts of kindness can make a huge difference in a person's life. I believe in the power of one. If I see someone on the street asking for money I sometimes give them money. I don't know what they will spend it on. It is not my business. There are problems with drugs everywhere - on the streets and in the wealthiest neighbourhoods.

DH and I were talking about the meaning of life. He said a student asked him that once. He was a high school teacher. He said the meaning of life is helping people. I agree.

MaryA

I had a similar experience yesterday. Early this summer, an older man with only one leg and in a wheelchair appeared in our town center. I saw him all summer long but I didn't realize he was homeless. He never asked anyone for money and I saw him wheeling himself towards one of our residential neighborhoods one afternoon.
I saw on Facebook yesterday that a woman in our town had started a GoFundMe account for Jim. Her goal is to get him a state issued ID, open a bank account and help him get transportation to a warmer climate.
I called my husband and we decided to donate to the cause (we have never given to a GoFundMe account before). Oddly enough, that morning was the first time my husband had noticed Jim. DH tried to back up from a crosswalk so Jim could easily get across a street but the car in back of him wouldn't move. Jim noticed his attempt and waved a "thank you" as he headed to a nearby Starbucks (to warm up, the temperature was in the teens).
I'm afraid I am a total cynic when it comes to the homeless and panhandlers. I live near Chicago and we truly have "professional" panhandlers on every corner! But helping Jim (even in this very small way) just put a little bit more of the Christmas spirit back in my life.

Anonymous

I have been feeling very discouraged and hopeless about the world lately, mostly due to the election and its aftermath. Small, individual acts of kindness and keeping an open heart are like rays of light in the darkness. Your kind act will come back to you a hundred times! What can we do but keep calm, carry on, and be kind to one another.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

The BEST way to feel better about the world truly is to step up (or out of your comfort zone) and help someone less fortunate. At least IMO.

So I think it was a very good deed.

I like to try to make a habit of randomly helping some of the people in the rural area where we live. Many people do not have the same education, resources or even motivation that some of us have. Sure, I've worked for it very hard, but I realize that other hard working strangers stepped up to help me at various times too. I'm always surprised at how people I think are in need will try to give back to me if I reach out to them. They are seldom "takers."

Giving to a "charity" isn't necessarily a perfect way to help. Sure, there are some doing great things, but many are spending a great majority of the money on administration and other activities not directly linked to helping. Personally, I think people should make helping other people (and the environment, etc.) more of a personal, one on one task. In our socially internet connected world we are losing the human touch.

Pick up trash at the park, say Hi to strangers, open doors for people, say thank you and please, don't ignore people while you text on your phone, give someone in need a gift unexpectedly, help someone you see struggling physically - that type of thing.

Every once in a while I read a news story that breaks my heart and on a couple of occasions I took action and found the address and wrote to the people impacted and sent them some money. I figured I could try to offer encouragement by writing a personal letter. And if I can spend $200 on clothes in a month I can certainly send someone in need $200 once in a while. Each time it has been one of the more satisfying things I've done. I can't write it off or even know if it helped them (though once I got a nice thank you letter) but it makes me feel better about the world.

I agree that America - and many other countries, have gotten worse over the past ten years or so. I did a lot of research on the increase of hate crimes and found there were actually more in 2012 after that election in many places than are happening now. But overall crime in many forms has increased this past decade. People don't seem to feel free or safe or even optimistic. And this isn't something that's happened in the past year - it's been a long term issue.

I sincerely hope some of those feelings can be resolved going forward.

But in the meantime, like MsMaven, we can each make a real difference in someone's life.

Mochi

Veteran

Jaime, I agree that there is more hate than ever before, but I the sense you're saying it's directly resulting from Obama's policies, rather than what I believe: a negative and often irrational opposition to everything he stands for as an African-American progressive. (If I misread your words, I apologize.)

And I also feel the need to examine your statement: "When in fact minorities are much worse off than they were." Now, I am white and therefore not in a "minority" demographic. So I'm speaking as an observer. But how do you make that claim that African-Americans, Latinos, etc. ended up "worse off" during Obama's term?

I certainly think that going forward, they're in big trouble. Growing instances of post-election harrassment is already damning. The climate of tolerance for many demographics has shifted alarmingly in a very short span of time. Obviously the undercurrent of negativity was already in existence, but people now feel emboldened to say--and do--outrageous things.

And he hasn't even been inaugurated yet, and I'll just say...a lot has happened. So much for the giving of chances.

Sorry, but I wanted to speak up. Admins can delete my comment if they see the need.

SandyG

Veteran

MsMaven, I really like your good deed and this whole post. JAileen, what a good and thoughtful article on the Untied way (I kept reading it as 'United Way', my preconceptions)!

Here's a delicate but direct experience to add to the others outlined. I have a chronically homeless relative, a petite blond who gets preyed upon in the shelters and thus avoids them. She has mental ups and downs, works sporadic day jobs, doesn't use street drugs, but ALWAYS needs cash, $10 a day for food, small sums for coffee on cold days, to repay gas for catching rides, and to pay her only bill, her cell phone every month, which maintains her credit score. No address, no bank account means relying on cash (which is often stolen BTW). She's on the waiting list for subsidized housing but it's a glacial process.

I've read that the population beneath the 'homeless' umbrella seem to break down into three main categories in research studies. About 1/3 are families, 1/3 are drug addicted and 1/3 are physically or mentally ill, and of course you see many with compound issues. 'Homeless' doesn't begin to describe the situation for most -- I wish we had better language for this societal issue. I wouldn't pull cash out of my wallet in front of a stranger, but $20 tucked in a pocket to give a hand to someone can be a very real, direct help.

Mochi

Veteran

Back to helping people: This is an international crisis (edited to add, more like a catastrophe) as opposed to a domestic one, but if you are moved to help, this is one place to start:

http://www.upworthy.com/7-real.....ppo?c=ufb1

Isabel

Veteran

Jaime, universities and private institutions set their own rules for speech. That has nothing to do with public policy and it is erroneous to tie it to such. For example : Billy Bush got fired from a private company. Trump got promoted to the highest political office in the land. Free speech is guaranteed in public forums. Not private ones. If Angie decides to erase this, it is HER decision because this is HER site. It is not a policy set by Obama. You and everyone else in this country is free to set up their own site and say whatever they want. That IS public policy. One must not confuse the two for political convenience.

Publicly, the rules of civility no longer exist. Trump set the tone. Alex Jones and Stormfront are perfect examples. As are the KKK Trump victory rallies and the Nazi celebration in Washington. I find it ironic that people feel Trump deserves a chance after 40 years of horrific behavior yet the same luxury isn't extended to other candidates in the least. One of the candidates won an award by the Children's Defense Fund and the other got a KKK victory rally and a telegram from Putin. There are certain things in life where rational people have no room for disagreement.

One has to earn one's "chances". He hasn't earned his. And he continues to show that every day.

Anonymous

I feel quite strongly about giving - and withholding judgement. Who are we to decide what is right or wrong for someone else - homeless, destitute, mentally ill, physically compromised? Sometimes my worry and empathy and sympathy can keep me up at night - literally. I find this time of year difficult for a few reasons, and I wrote a long diatribe about it the other day on Facebook (lol). I find that giving money, donating whatever the shelters and food banks need right now, and generally just being as generous as I can with my time, money and energy is what I personally need to stay positive. I admit that I don't focus much of that money and energy on world events, because what is going on right in front of me is easiest to give immediately to. But that doesn't mean I"m not sick with sadness over the state of Syria, the state of the endangered animals of this world, and the state of our own continent. I too agree that behaviour and language and action seems to be getting worse rather than better, and every time I think we are progressing beyond old beliefs and prejudices and violations of basic human rights, I discover otherwise.

Anyways - giving is the best feeling. I also try to keep in mind that sometimes giving trumps getting, and that we cannot assume that everyone is overcome with gratitude for our gifts and donations - but that is ok too. The whole notion of spending money on myself right now is not sitting well with me at all. There are a ton of sales around,and no shortage of things to buy , but is that really where I want to focus my energy and resources? No.

Isabel

Veteran

msMaven, I just want to say, that there is an extreme right wave enveloping many place right now. It looks as if Marine Le Pen will win France. She is the French Trump. Brexit is happening. Hopefully, this is a cycle. We need to tend to our little corners and make them brighter some how, like Candide concluded.

And we need to call out the fallacies whenever we can. Respectfully. We need to stand tall and let people know that when it comes to hate, the KKK, Nazis, white Aryans and so on, there is no room for negotiation. We hold onto our dignity and moral compass and not let anyone guilt us for making a fair and accurate assessment of hate.

Peace.

ClaraT

Veteran

A good deed and a nice discussion.

ClaraT

Veteran

Also: re: giving someone a chance...There is a saying, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." He has told me who he is, and I believe him, and it worries me a lot. Just my opinion. I, too, will (continue to) reach out to those in our society who need help the most.

Sal

Veteran

Sometimes one or two wrong decisions, or pieces of bad luck could lead to the difference between being in a home, or on the street. Some people's positions are that fragile - a work injury, a mental illness, a natural disaster, a violent relationship, a family breakdown. Many people could survive a couple of these things through a secure financial position, or family and friend support...but for others, one at the wrong time can lead to a downwards vortex.

I am prepared to give anyone a chance, including Trump, but his actions prior to and post the election do not reassure me.

MsMaven

Veteran

There is much wisdom on this thread. Thanks, Mochi--yesterday I too had been listening to the latest tragic news about Aleppo.

We make our annual gifts to charitable organizations at this time of year, but it is quite a different experience to do a kind gesture for someone in person. Another time I was waiting to make a left turn and the driver in the car ahead of me motioned a man begging by the red light. She handed him a large pizza box. What a smile he gave her! He jaywalked across the street and called to a buddy waiting on a different corner. She must have seen him earlier and went to get the pizza and then got back in line.

Sandy, I like the idea of having some money available so I don't have to fumble in my bag. I feel quite differently about many things in the last few weeks.

Thank you to all who have shared with me.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Mochi - there are quite a few census reports and other government reports that indicate for whatever reason "Blacks" (their word, not mine) have not fared well over the past 8 years.

These two reports show government obtained information - I just did a quick search because I wanted proof as well.

http://money.cnn.com/2015/11/2.....ty/?iid=EL

http://www.newsmax.com/Newsfro.....id/545866/

Kimberley

Veteran

What a lovely gesture, MsMaven, and what a thought-provoking thread.

Also, what lisap said. High five, sister.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

This is an emotive and thought provoking thread. Thank you, MsMaven.

NOTE: A reminder to stay respectful of each other's differing political views. I know it's very, very hard not to talk about what is going on in the US at the moment, which is why I would like to allow a gentle version of "throwing around the topic" in this section of our forum.

Christmas - for us - is about inclusiveness, giving, old traditions, creating new ones, and filling your hearts with peace and hope. Being as generous as you can with your time, money, energy and positive attitude at this time of year is what makes the difference to others, and creates a full heart. Whatever you can do makes a difference to someone (human or animal), no matter how small.

catherine

Veteran

Clearly people will believe whatever fits into their worldview. I am sad but not surprised. As a progressive, I am obviously distressed about what may happen. I am also white, highly educated, and financially secure. I guess you could say I am worried about others.
Also, by nearly every measure, the country is better off than when the current president took office. This from the liberal Wall Street Journal.
http://blogs.wsj.com/economics.....ack-obama/
Remove if necessary. I will not be offended.

Isabel

Veteran

Texas, overall crime in US is down. This is just the 2015 reports but going back 8 years, there has been an overall decline.
https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-t.....-u.s.-2015

Also , one doesn't prod a response of hate simply by being. The hate is already there . That is why it is hate based on bias ( and has it's own category in the law ). Nothing else.
There HAS been a huge surge in hate groups and automatic weaponry sale because of the distrust of a "secretly foreign born Muslim " being in office. There are others, like Alex Jones and David Icke, who assert that the Clintons and Obama are actually lizard people waiting to instill new world order.

The links you posted are very interesting for a couple of reasons. One is that CNN shows data that, like women in the past, the high paying jobs are filled by white men. Blacks coming out of college are more recent so it takes time to move through the ranks as the wealthier white men leave and open up spaces. We need to look no further than the administration that is currently being put together : mostly white, wealthy men who have been around for decades. Blacks haven't had decades.

Additionally, it is intellectly dishonest to blame Obama when he had to work with a Congress that declared a singular goal : to render him ineffective. Yet somehow, the newsmax article asserts that Obama, singularly, should somehow have lifted an entire demographic as if it existed in a vacuum. This is not reality. And no one was expecting the economic freefall that became a priority.

Finally, when adjusted for inflation , middle class family incomes have not risen at all. in fact, since the 1980s , the growth has been at almost at a standstill ( - 1 % ) for the middle class while the growth in the wealthy class went from 10 % or lower prior to the 80s to well over 50% now. In fact, growth in wealth ( net worth ) has surpassed income growth. But to have growth in wealth,, one needs assets. And most of middle class America lost their biggest net assets : their homes or their values. And that implosion happened 15 years ago. As the traditional white , middle class has wallowed after centuries of privilege , somehow, one man who is biracial should have turned it all around. Besides, people wood have cried bloody murder if Obama HAD done anything.

Anyway, I am a bit of a probability, statistics , finance and economics nerd. I like being informed about things too and thinking them through critically.

Isabel

Veteran

Angie, again, thank you for this space.

Catherine, yes !!! As.someone once said , it is so much easier to be hypnotized than to actively search, question and think in a critical and rational manner. ( I will have to find the author ).

In the end we all had a choice : to choose a civic, enlightened, inclusive, hopeful and forward looking nationalism or an ethnic, racial, dark, exclusive ,cynical, and nostalgic one. We know which was one was chosen.

Peri

Veteran

Wow, I did the same thing yesterday, also for the first time. I have to admit that most of the time I feel a little skeptical about the panhandling. For one reason, a few years back our newspaper interviewed a man about it and he actually bragged about how much he could make in a day...and that number was higher than what I earn. For another reason, someone I know had a bad experience with this I won't go into, so I'm also afraid of them.

So most of the time I drive by and just feel guilty about it for the rest of the day. But yesterday it was a woman. She was holding up a long sign but I didn't read it. I was stopped at the light and she was right there and it just got to me. I had come from the dermatologist about a minor skin issue and was headed to the mall to buy Christmas presents and it just hit me how lucky I am to have good access to healthcare and money to buy presents and there she was begging by the side of the road.

I did have that moment of worry afterwards about what she might be spending it on, but I kicked that worry out. It isn't my business. It felt like the right thing to do at the time and I'm glad I did it.

Gigi

Veteran

When I was growing up, I remember being shocked at my Chicago uncle's attitude toward panhandlers. He said that they were all fakes, and he was quite angry about it. I, being from a small town, was skeptical. They looked pretty convincing to me!

Unfortunately, my experience after living in a large metro area for several years is that he is correct. I have seen one panhandler on a corner be replaced by another one for the next "shift." And I have had panhandlers approach me in parking lots, telling their story, and after they go on at length and I say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you," their entire demeanor changes, the tears immediatley stop, and they move on to their next victim. They are angry that they wasted their time on me.

What I now do is when I see a panhandler, if I am indeed moved to help, I donate to a charity that helps the homeless instead. That way I know that the money is being used in a way that I agree with and not on drugs or alcohol.

Astrid

Veteran

Living in Berlin the last few years I got into the habit of leaving my change in my jacket and giving it away to the first person. It's usually not a lot but it's better than nothing. As for many of them being fake, I think with time you get a feeling for who is truly fake and who isn't. Because not all of them are organized. And giving to Charity might not help those people.

Staysfit

Veteran

I'm going to say something that may sound controversial. It doesn't bother me to give money to someone who may then take it to purchase drugs and alcohol instead of using it for food, shelter, clothing or their family. IMO and experience, this type of giving may prevent a burglary or worse because this person needs a fix and will do whatever it takes to get one. If they don't get their fix , in many cases, they also risk severe withdraw symptoms.

I am not saying that people shouldn't get mental health and rehab. Services. They should. I am a shrink. However, not everyone takes advantage of them, and not everyone is successful with Treatment. Many of these homeless people are both mentally ill and substance using and need our compassion.

I carry fruit and protein bars to give them when I reach the most common intersections in my community where they will be canvassing for funds. They also need good nutrition. These are often the least likely people to reach food pantries and shelters. In my community they often live under the bridges.

I want to clarify that I do not believe that all homeless people or those who are out asking for help are substance users. This is just one cohort of people that I wanted to speak up for because I work with them.

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