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I am not complaining.... ETA wristbands up for grabs.

Lyn D.

Veteran

...for 21 days!
I came across this book- 'A Complaint Free World' by Will Bowen at my library the other day, and I am hooked.
A feeling of slight discontent with others (me) lead me to try this program about harnessing the power of positive thinking. http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org
The idea is to wear a purple wristband (I am using a rubber band) and swap it to the other arm every time you catch yourself criticising, gossiping, complaining.
I didn't realise how often I did this- with my kids, whilst driving, to inaminate objects (!) 'till now!

Has anyone else tried this? Would anyone like to join me?

I am keen to buy a copy of this book for myself, and might even buy a few wristbands to keep me more accountable, to give to others.

Hi Ladies, I ordered 10 wristbands and they arrived yesterday.

I have a few spare, so if anyone else is interested, please let me know.

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32 replies

Latest reply was from Lyn D.

rachylou

Veteran

I put a stop to whinging and whining many years ago, but you know, it's started to creep back over the last year. It's contagious you know. I will join you and renew my vows here

suzyq

What a fantastic idea! I will put the book on my list of must reads. Do you feel the book was necessary or at least made the process easier? I would really like to shut up my negative inner monologue.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I love this! It's very easy to get caught up in this behavior in the restaurant business with picky or difficult customers. I talk my BF down from such comments sometimes, with a gentle 'let's not judge so quickly' or similar remark. The trickier part is not thinking this way! Keeping our clap trap shut is a good start lol.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Thank-you Rachylou!
Suzyq- I first heard about this years ago when the author appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show. Tried it then for only a short while but wasn't committed enough to keep going.
The book seems to uplift, inspire and help with sticking to it.
Apparently it takes 21 days to kick a habit and change our thinking- we go through 3 stages:
Not realising that we are complaining- that's where the wristband/rubberband helps.
Realising that we do complain a lot (and getting frustrated) ( Oops- I have just complained and moved my rubber band again )
And eventually just not complaining because we have consciously refrained from doing so for the 3 weeks.

PS. We are allowed to complain to ourselves, and this slowly improves too.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Exactly Mo!

Isis

Veteran

This is a great idea! I'm all for anything that makes a more positive world.

I loved this recent speech with a similar thought: http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes......ates/?_r=0

Two questions come to mind as I think about implementing this in my own life:

1. What is gossip?
2. Your P.S. "We are allowed to complain to ourselves"---does this mean it is OK to think complaints, but to refrain from voicing them out loud?

I'm on board!

Isabel

Veteran

What a fab idea ! I have also over the years tried to be less of a glass half empty person to a glass half full.

Jane Lynch , who plays the coach on Glee, once said that she has learned to avoid " No, but.." and say "Yes, and..." ( Yes, I hated the movie and I will not see that type of move again. ) I really like that train of thought ! It is so much more empowering. While I was going through the toughest part of the cancer stuff, my yellow LiveStrong rubber bracelet was a reminder every day of that. Though I never beat myself with it ! LOL !

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

That's an interesting behavioural adaptation - but make sure that when you don't complain you don't get a buildup of anger inside. That's not healthy either!

Lyn D.

Veteran

Thank-you for the link Isis- I think that being more loving and kind is what we are aiming for here.
In the book Will says that 'gossip' is saying anything that you would not say directly to the person you are talking about. So complimentary stuff is fine. It is about the intent behind the words.
The thinking of complaints becomes less and less because they are not being given power by being voiced.
Isabel- our choice of words is so important! I am trying not to say 'You' too.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Thanks other Lyn- I am finding that things I thought were complain-worthy weren't all that important in the scheme of things anyway!

Deborah

Veteran

I might ask my DH if he would like to join you lol, just kidding, though he is very good at complaining, he and I were having a giggle about that this morning. Complaining and criticising is such an easy habit to get into .
My faith has been a great leveler for me, keeping me mindful of the blessings and goodness in my life and that helps to try to find the positive.

Having said that, I have found myself beign very critical of my work place and I think I might need to come on board myself.

Isis

Veteran

Thanks for the explanation!

I'm in === my 21 days start tomorrow. No gossiping, no complaining, no criticism.

This will be interesting!

ManidipaM

Veteran

I need to start doing this! My inner gripemeister is out in force now that I am crabby from sleep deprivation and fatigue almost daily and the weather is bad here. Must stop the downward spiral. Thanks for sharing this, Lyn.

Isabel

Veteran

I just want to throw in, in reference to Lyn's comments which are very important, that I think part of it is also being kind to yourself when you have a down day or negative thoughts. I like to allow myself a certain amount of time whether 10 mins or 24 hours ( but I can't treat people badly...) . It is human nature.

I also think that people are right in saying that intention plays a big role. I don't like talking about people in order to aggrandize myself or demean someone. Sometimes I WILL talk about someone that I am worried about with someone else that I trust. Not for salacious reasons but out of concern or just to vent. But again, with one really trustworthy person, not a at a party.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Good on you Isis- we can check on each other's progress!
I need to tell you that the book says that it usually takes 4 months or so to achieve the 21 days straight. (!)
I have been going for 5 days and it gets better, but the occasional slip means starting again, so I think this will be harder than it sounds. But worth it!
Deborah- if I get the official wristbands I will send to you.
The writer of the book is a minister from Kansas City. 5 or so years ago he encouraged his entire congregation to join him- and they eagerly watched his wrist each week to see if he had moved the band. (Each time you complain you must do this to bring it to your conscious attention.)
Isabel and Lyn- being kind to ourselves IS very important, and I think those that complain the most about others may be especially hard on themselves too.
Manidipa- I hope this helps you through a stressful time!

MsMary

Veteran

I really need to do this. I have become a gigantic complainer lately.

Isis

Veteran

Well I didn't even last one hour, first day! I was very negative this morning in a conversation over breakfast.

But at least I noticed it!

It's lunch and I'm doing OK but probably because I'm alone and there is no one to complain to.

As per Lyn*'s comment about anger building up being unhealthy. So true.

A review of the book on Amazon sort of addresses this, says the book is not to stuff everything inside. Basically not to be a doormat, but to take positive action rather than just complaining passively.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Great Mary! It is very hard not to complain when life gets turned upside-downand you feel out of control!
You noticed it Isis, and that is BIG!
I am at the stage that I fear saying anything at all, 'cause the complaints have a way of slipping out- especially about trivial things like the weather!
I am reading that part about talking about what you want to see happen, (positives) rather than complaining about what did happen (the negatives.)
I am finding the book to be very helpful. I don't think I would be able to do this without its guidance.

Isis

Veteran

Can't even complain about the weather?!?

What have I signed up for, LOL! I think I'll have to read the book rather than just the amazon reviews....

JulieJohn

Veteran

I love it! I am very into this way of thinking and living. I also don't lie, which requires being very creative at times.

I have a challenge because someone close to me complains a lot, and always tells unhappy stories from the past. This person is not in a happy situation in life, and it's hard to be upbeat in those circs. But I think I am seen as frivolous by them because I always try to turn things to the positive side. Like I'm not looking at reality. Heck - I'm trying to CHANGE reality!

My saving grace is DH because he is such a beautiful optimist and very compassionate. Compassion for others is the key. Have fun, Lyn! You will change the world!

Lyn D.

Veteran

Come on Isis, I need you to hang in there with me
The weather is an example of negativity for me, but also I notice it is a great source of small talk between myself and people I don't know well.
Today is cold and rainy, and I am trying to focus on the positives (it is warm and cosy inside etc.) I am noticing that I feel alot better about it this way.
Thanks JJ- your upbeat personality always shines through on this forum.
Perhaps you need to distance yourself from this person so that their energy doesn't drain you. If they ask why you could just say that you are trying not to complain at the moment?

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think I failed. Does saying,"I'm really busy and I'm over it" at work during the rush count as complaining? Bounced back about a half hour after I got slammed. I did apologize to my coworkers, saying if I was being bitchy, I was sorry.
Overall I did okay. I'd had an emotional day and was in tears in my car pulling up to work before I even started my shift.
Trying for a better tomorrow.

Lyn D.

Veteran

No fail!!
You succeeded in recognising your complaint (sounds like it was a tough day) and the book says that is the start of being more selective about what we complain about. We can decide that things are not so bad really in the scheme of things and can start to seek out the positives of our life.
Your feedback is helping me enormously to stick with this; I know I am not the only one finding myself complaining, even when I am trying not to.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

As I suspected, I found it quite hard on the job. Interestingly, I was sharing this idea with a young (19) coworker of mine at the end of her shift last night. She had mentioned that she hates to work and would be happy to never have to. That's a long haul for the next 40+ years, right? I explained that changing your mindset a little goes a long way. Anyway, a customer overheard and later we discussed the idea of 'flipping a switch' and changing your attitude and therefore, the self fullfilling prophecy of 'I hate work' then changes. He was a college psych professor and we had hours of interesting conversation.
I'm sure I won't make 21 days straight ever, but I'm so happy to be putting the brakes on what can snowball without you even being cognizant you're doing it!

Lyn D.

Veteran

This is great Mo!
Thanks so much for taking the time to post this update- I know you have a lot on your mind at the moment.
I have found taking the book's advice on changing the words I use very useful:

Instead of... Problem Try... Opportunity

Have to .... Get to
Setback .... Challenge
Enemy .... Friend
Tormentor .... Teacher
Pain .... Signal
I demand .... I would appreciate
Complaint .... Request
Struggle .... Journey
You did this .... I created this

Mo

(website)

Veteran

This customer and I shared a funny thing about country music of all things. Neither his nor my thing. But we both avoided saying we hate it, etc. He said a friend had commented to him, "that's too bad, that's something you don't get to like." Great way to put it!

Isis

Veteran

I'm also finding it interesting.

I have not had a single day go by without a complaint yet, but I am trying! I just got the book form the library as I'm not sure what constitutes a complaint.

I am more aware though.....that's a start!

Lyn D.

Veteran

Thanks Isis- you are not alone.
I am yet to complete a full day without complaint too.
Sometimes if I am not sure if I actually complained or not I take it as a complaint and move my band. Other times I wonder if I am being to hard on myself if I move it for just complaining out loud about myself when no one is there to hear it?

It is a start though.
Keep up the good work!!

MsMary

Veteran

I'm still hanging in there. Not even close to having a complaint-free day, but I am working on being more positive and I think it's helping my mood a bit! Lyn, I really appreciate your letting us know about this!

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