How to reconcile wanting more and wanting less? - YouLookFab Forum

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How to reconcile wanting more and wanting less?

Emily

Veteran

The post that inspired my question:
http://recoveringshopaholic.co.....same-time/

I like the idea of a small, capsule wardrobe. I'd like my choices to be well considered, stylish and beautiful. I want my closet to be tidy and well organized, which becomes more difficult the more things you have. I also freaking love that I am in a place now where I can have shiny new things when I want them.

I started my "Shop my Plan" plan two weeks ago (that's it?) after realizing exactly how many items (14!) I had added to my wardrobe in December and early January. (http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....robe-bloat) In short, until March I am only shopping for one of my three identified highly elusive items.

It is third of the way to my self-imposed finish line and I am on plan. When my eye strays to something not on my approved purchase list (cutout cognac booties, gray jeans, citron pullover, etc) I add it to my wishlist - which has doubled in only two weeks to 28 items. Of course I do not need everything on that list. Some things I've already decided not to pursue. Curating my wishlist and spring/summer style pinboards has been one way to scratch my shopping itch without acquiring new things.

I was sorely tempted this morning by a $6 Joe Fresh citron pullover, but decided that practising self control was more important to me than a great deal on a trendy item. I went back through my wishlist instead and tried to match up the items on my list with things in my wardrobe that they could replace.

I know I'll never be the proverbial frenchwoman with a 10 item wardrobe that covers every occasion, but I feel like I could easily get along with much less than I have now. Except that I like most of what I have now. And I'd really like to try the citron/grey/white formula Angie posted last week.

*Pouts*

How do you keep a balance between wanting less, and wanting more?

General

33 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

April

Veteran

It's a constant struggle, to be sure.

I tend to purge too quickly, rather than hanging on too long, so I get rid of things and then go -- jeez, why didn't I see the potential in that?

And I've gone from financial struggles as a single working parent to relative financial comfort, so that complicates things as well. When you have more choices, it becomes very important to know exactly what you want. Otherwise you just choose everything -- and paradoxically, this makes it harder to get dressed, not easier.

In other words, I have no solutions here, Emily. Just saying I understand. I love your idea of a list, though. As time goes by, you'll find some of the items on the list and you'll cross off others as you lose interest, and that seems like a really useful tool.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I keep most of my budget for items that are on my needs list. Sometimes it's fairly specific as in - ink pants suit that is not corporate. Other times it's more general - replacement for my black jacket.

Aside from this, I keep a certain amount for serendipitous items - like your citron knit This gives me a chance to indulge my impulses while still staying on track with my plan. It also makes me think about whether I really want that impulse buy or whether I want to save my money for something better.

ETA: Some of my impulse buys have turned out to be turning points in my style journey - like my harem pants that were never on my list

unfrumped

Veteran

I don't have any sort of minimal wardrobe and don't think that's my goal, but did realize that I had too many wrong things, too many the same things, and some not enough right things.

One thing that has helped me has been continued purging of items that don't seem to fit into the plan. First there were some big ole' purges of lots of things outdated or fit issues, but then there's been more of what I call refinement. No, that color is not working-out, No, that cardigan style isn't what I want to look like-out. Bah, those shoes are too clunky and I'm somewhere else now-out. Hm, 6 long-sleeved T's for casual when I maybe need 3--or 2! Snipping away without being afraid I'll need them for backup or something.

What that does is develop more wardrobe clarity about what I like to wear, how much I can wear, and where I might overlap items and roles. So, more satisfaction helps to want less. More clarity helps knowing which "more" really makes some difference and which is just more clutter. Looking at my expenditures helps show, hmm, arithmetic really exists--not buying 2 of those would have paid for one of these.

Meli

(website)

I put a cap both on # of items and budget this year. It makes me think much more carefully about things, so far so good, and gives me the chance to buy higher end items because I'm not focusing on quantity.

Vicki

(website)

Veteran

I really agree with what unfrumped said here. I've really made an effort to clear out what is not working and I've only begun. But, this has also given me the courage to not bring in anything, so quickly, that truly doesn't fit with my style goals. Her statement, "more satisfaction helps to want less" is so true.

For example, I really value and use some of my sweaters more. I'm also still wearing a pair of J. Brand jeans that will need to be replaced with a nice dark wash pair, but I'm being patient with this purchase.

Claire seems to be a master at this and maybe she'll chime in with some good tips.

Deborah

Veteran

I need to start by saying that before YLF, I had two wardrobes full of clothes and 3 large plastic containers full of clothes:)

Having re-educated myself and managed a change in my mindset, I now have a much better focus on my own style, which in turn limits the items I wish to buy or wear.

I now have a walk in robe that contains all my clothes and shoes and my coats hang in the guest bedroom.

I have a wishlist each season, and what I have noticed is that wish list seems to be getting smaller and very specific. For example, at the moment on that list are a particular pair of black slim leg pants and a pair of harem pants.

I am enjoying my smaller sized wardrobe so much, wearing everything and feeling so much more satisfied that I am not feeling the need to buy new things all the time (like I used to). I work to a strict budget but allow some room for impulse buys. As Caro says they can sometimes be quite influential in our wardrobes.

The other thing I find is that not having a huge amount of money to spend on clothing makes me more discerning about what I do buy. And not always being in a position to buy what I want straight away allows me time to sit with the idea of the item and sometimes I realise I don't really want it. It then gets removed from the wishlist. The other side of that is that I might discover I really reallly want something like, case in point, Eileen Fisher harem pants which are an expensive item (include shipping to Aus) but I am focussed and prepared to sacrifice for a while (say no impulse or unplanned buys) while I save for the harem pants.

Woops long response to a simple question:)

In answer to your actual question "How do you keep a balance between wanting less, and wanting more?" , for me it has been a total change in my thinking.

carter

Veteran

Great question! I don't have the answer, but I'll be keeping an eye on this thread. I too want a much smaller, though not minimalist, fantastic wardrobe. I have purged a ton of stuff that didn't look good on me. That was fairly easy. Much harder for me is purging duplicates of things I wear or things I still like that may not be terribly fashionable at the moment. The only thing that seems to be helping me purge further is to BUY things I like better. This will be fine once I get my wardrobe to a manageable size, but right now I still have too much stuff, and some of that is sub-par but still needed.

Lisa

Veteran

This is a great question. I've been doing a 'DH closet challenge' for over 3 months now with the goal to have less and stall the shopping beast. But I always want to try new things. For me the challenge was the find the right balance of how many clothes I need for daily dressing (do I like to wear the same jeans everyday, every other day or just once every two weeks?) and now to work on how often to edit that amount so that it always feels fresh and inspiring when I put together an outfit.

Knowing how much I both a) need to stay dressed in a week and b) how often I like to (or not to) repeat for variety has helped me have a benchmark to adjust new purchases against. Now it's about 'one in-one out' for items and as the amount of clothes in my working closet shifts to all items I love and not wanting to purge, I'm naturally going to want less because I do love everything I own. When I had a large wardrobe, it was too easy to want more, because I owned and looked everyday at items I only felt 'meh' about when I opened my closet.

shedev

Veteran

I suffer from the same contradiction. In October I did a massive purge and I didn't want to get back up as far as the numbers go, so I began to do a two item a month plan with 1 in 1 out. I still have some downsizing to do, but I'm doing it in smaller bits. I'm also requiring that anything new be a 10 and consistant with my color palette and style persona.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I think it goes to the roots of why you want more - are you bored with what you have? That's usually my biggest culprit - or that I'm unsatisfied with some other area of my life.

Now that I am emotionally happier, I feel the need to shop less.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I don't know. I'm going to look at that site.

I don't consider myself a shopaholic but I do think I could spend more energy on other things.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I have trouble reconciling these urges, too, Emily. Part of it springs from the same situation as yours and April's; for years I was broke, broke, broke (really, for most of my post-teen adult life) and could not afford lovely things. Suddenly I can afford nicer things -- relatively speaking -- I don't mean I am rich. But I have a bit of disposable income. So it is very hard to say no to myself.

I do think that Deborah offers some good direction. The more carefully we refine our personal style, the less attracted we'll be to every passing fancy. I love your idea of using a wish list as a holding zone and a way of weeding out what you merely "fancy" from what you truly want and need. I do this, too -- put things in a shopping cart and then let them be. If I continue to be pulled to them weeks later, perhaps it's a real reason to go for them.

I've also reconciled myself to the idea that I just won't be the 10 item wardrobe person. It's not to be. It doesn't work for my lifestyle or my personality. And that's okay. Neither will I have a full-to-bursting closet. I'll be someplace in between, and that's fine.

Greyscale

Veteran

I've been struggling with this too. As I've gotten more selective, I think I've become far TOO attuned to the details that make some item "perfect."

So, for instance: I bought a gorgeous Theyskens Theory leather biker jacket off Ebay after a long quest. I wear it, and it looks good, but it's a bit too tight in the back to be what I throw on every day, and the cut is dressier than my old jacket. The other day I saw a $1600(!!!!) Acne jacket at a boutique and I am IN LOVE... and because I spend so much time thinking about creating my perfect wardrobe, I'm almost thinking I should sell my jacket and buy the Acne as a replacement. But that would be ridiculous. It's well over my maximum for that item and there are other things I want to buy this season as well.

I do the same with shoes: I bought some lovely d'orsay flats this summer after stalking them for ages, then encountered others I liked even better. In that case I'm making myself wear the ones I own, and I've come around to really liking them again.

So for me the problem isn't wanting more - it's that I got so into upgrading what I owned (when none of it was very great) that I'm far too good at finding an even better option, and not good enough at being content with what I have.

That said, I'm still hoping a genie will surprise me with the Acne jacket. And the R13 jeans I want, and etc etc etc.

catgirl

Veteran

My solution (and I'm not sure it's the right one) has been to spend more on fewer items. I've stopped thrifting for the most part, and started buying pieces I really love even if they hit my upper limit, because I find them more satisfying. Sort of like the difference between a real dinner or peanut butter and crackers. Not saying I can't find many inexpensive items I love, but too often I'm willing to compromise which ends up with feeling I've wasted my money anyway.

Greyscale

Veteran

Una, I think that's exactly the problem I've had this week, why I posted so many thrift store K/Rs.

Though I do love pb & crackers for dinner...

catgirl

Veteran

Me too! Also Cap'n Crunch!

Gigi

Veteran

Congratulations on being able to stick to your guns and forget the citron pullover! I wonder if continuing to say no when something isn't on your list will give you greater clarity over time as to what your wardrobe really needs.

I agree that I want a pretty small wardrobe, but not a minimal one. I like variety. But I want every piece to be something that I really, really enjoy!

I think that being very selective--and slow to purchase--is a great way to get the wardrobe you want. Oftentimes I find that I am strongly drawn to something, but within a few days, I have lost interest. I too have been keeping a list of things to buy, and I have found that many items on the list are not nearly as important as I thought they once were!

I think that the enemy of a good, coherent closet is too-frequent purchasing. I do think that impulse buys can be good--some of my highest-happiness-quotient items were impulse purchases--but buying a lot of things without sufficient downtime in between to really "live" with your wardrobe leads to extraneous pieces, IMO.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I sometimes miss the younger me that wore one or two pairs of shoes to death and then replaced, two jeans that I alternated and so on. Then I get over it. I now have more things I love but still too much that I just can't decide to get rid of. So I guess I want less (but not just 10) and better like others have said above.

trix

A really fascinating question. I don't know if I can answer this in any general way, but one thing that really jumped out at me in Debbie Roes's piece was how she could identify what it was about "more" that appealed to her -- usually, something about novelty, entertainment, the rush of acquisition, and getting good deals; it wasn't just about "more." When we think about it at that deeper level, it's not such a sharp contradiction between wanting more and wanting less at the same time; it's the push-pull of wanting newness, the feeling of saving money, etc., yet also saving the environment, avoiding clutter, etc. Once we've identified the underlying desires, can we find alternate ways of fulfilling them that are less in contradiction of our other values and wants? Or if we identify truly contradictory core values/wants, can we then start thinking how/whether we can reconcile the two?

Here's an example: Debbie Roes talks about the ambivalence she feels about getting lots of magazines. If she just wants entertainment and not the clutter, she could read them in a library. If she needs the newness right away and can't wait, she could avoid the clutter (but not the expense) by subscribing to the electronic versions. If it's about acquisition, can she find something to "acquire" that costs less in terms of money, space, environmental impact, etc.? Or, if that's not a value she wants to have, could she understand what acquisition means to her and consider how to change that value? (These are all hypothetical examples, of course, since I don't know her and can't speak to her true core values.)

I'm struggling with these questions as much as anyone else, so I can't pretend to have "the answer," but in the meantime, there are a few concrete tricks I'm playing on my mind. For instance, I'm trying to address the sense of "I don't have enough" by a) taking inventory of my entire wardrobe (thank you again for the Stylitics rec!) and b) trying to learn how to remix my clothing in new ways so that what I currently own feels like "more." I'm working on the "but it's a good deal!" feeling by reminding myself what else I could buy with that money (that Patagonia coat on sale for $350? I could put that money toward a closet makeover session with a personal stylist and probably get a lot more lasting satisfaction). There are plenty of other tricks above that I'll be trying...

Thanks for a thought-provoking conversation!

Kt

Member

Love the thought provoking questioning of Trix. Looking at what are the underlying reasons for above board purchases can usually (if we are honest with ourselves) help rein in purchases.

Adelfa

Veteran

For me, having a new, not too big, nicely designed closet is really helping. (And no other closets except a tiny coat closet.) I am determined that my closet will be pretty and orderly and not stuffed, and will hold only clothes that make sense for my life. So I have toppers on the upper left rack, work tops and skirts on the upper right rack, jeans on the lower left, casual tops on the lower right, and work pants and dresses hanging from the small full-length rod.

This has given me so much clarity. It becomes obvious pretty quickly which clothes I wear and work nicely with others. It's also obvious that buying at my former rate (even though that wasn't too crazy) will overwhelm my closet, so I'm being very careful. I do keep a list--I want gray pants (from Angie's lilac and citron posts), a lilac top, and a cream moto.

Another thing that helps me is making a spreadsheet of all the clothes I wear for a season. Right now I have 39 items including both work and casual.

LoveSarahDub

(website)

Before I had a little one or a husband (and still lived with my parents! oh, those were the days..) I was the only person I had to spend money on, and at the time, I was making plenty of it as cocktail waitress. It was fun and gave me many opportunities in which I had to have great attire for, so I was constantly spending on my wardrobe. Now before I sound like a spoiled brat, most of these purchases were inexpensive (Forever21 definitely knew my face for awhile) and I wore them multiple times, for sure! But even without reason, I've always enjoyed shopping just a little too much. (I get it from my mother, and she knows it!) But I'm definitely different these days, and usually don't get knew things for myself or my wardrobe unless gifted from my FABULOUS mother, or browsing online and convincing my poor husband that I NEED THIS haha!

I do notice that having a little less makes its easy to pick the pieces I REALLY like and what REALLY looks great on me. But alas, I think I will always want more. I look at it like Carrie Bradshaw did: "I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet." If you're passionate about fashion and your wardrobe than I see no reason not to indulge from time to time..if it makes you happy, it must be good!

MsMary

Veteran

This is a timely topic for me, too! I just did a big closet purge over the last couple of days and have five big trash bags of clothing and accessories to take to Goodwill. It feels really good to have some breathing room in my closet.

And you know something interesting? Almost everything that went out was thrifted, or from the consignment store, or from a swap. In other words, it was an impulse acquisition that I snapped up not because it was really something that would work in my wardrobe, but because it was free or cheap and I couldn't resist. But when I added up all those "bargain" purchases, it added up to a significant amount.

I hope this will be the year I will buy less, maybe spend more per piece, and have a higher average happiness factor!

ramya

Veteran

I so get you
Well I recently purchased a significant amout of money on wardrobe . Got
3 bags
3 bottoms
2 blazers all on sale
Oh replaced my wallet too.

I had to get bags because I was extremely unsatisfied with my bags which were predominantly gifted.I needed new bottoms because most of my pants were too big on me. I had no blazers

Well but this has given me a feel for shopping in things now and I feel I want more. Plus a big wardrobe space doesn't really help

rute

Veteran

For me it was a matter of realizing that I can have a big wardrobe and reach always for the same items:
- a good camel / black coat
- a trench
- a good pair of pants navy and black
- white shirts
- basic t-shirts
- dark / black denin jeans
- flat black boots
- black pumps
- a leather tote
- a couple of silk scarfs
I get bored of all the "trendy" items quickly. So why not invest more on my basics?

viva

Veteran

There is so much here that I can relate to ... but right now, I especially relate to Gigi's comment about the need to take a breather from shopping now and then so as not to end up with too many extraneous pieces/

I've tried the "shopping hiatus" before for this reason and it's never worked, but I am now part of a monthly resolution group for 2014, and one of my February resolutions is no spending on clothing, so I am accountable to this group of friends. I am pretty sure I will stick to it for this month if only to save face.

This will give me the time to look over my wardrobe and weed out those extraneous pieces, which I know that I have. I have always been a relatively small wardrobe person (the want less part) although over the past year I have purchased a lot (the want more part). I can be motivated to purchase because of a sale price, and as a result I know I have a lot of extra pieces. This month I am weeding out and not buying. This will help get me back to balance so that I can update my list for spring/summer -- which is only a guideline, by the way.

It's not exactly a constant struggle, but it's like sailing -- tack one way, then the other, in order to move forward.

Elizabeth P

Veteran

I'm absolutely the wrong person to ask...

I am slightly horrified by the amount of money I've spent in the last couple of years on clothes. I have got to a place where the things I think were "holes" have been filled (or will be, once that Joie sweater arrives ), at least for the winter season... (eek). Yet I can't stop buying more. Esp good "deals"... I so admire you for passing that citron sweater, I know I couldn't have done it. Costco is my real downfall - great basics, decent quality, cheap...

And the stupid thing is, I'm finding myslef getting frustrated because there aren't enough hours in the day, I guess that's more like days in the season, for me to wear the things I have that I actually really like, and want to play with and style in different ways.

I am going to keep my eye on this thread. Many things have resonated with me, in particular unfrumped's attitude to purging... not so much "I don't like this anymore (because I've got rid of the stuff I don't like) but "I only need x of these".

I think I really need to take stock of the spring/summer, SOON. Part of my problem is that when the clothes show up in stores for a season, my clothes are in bins, so I forget what I have.

Sigh.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I hear you loud and clear, and I also struggle with this inner debate. Really enjoying all the comments on this thread.

I do enjoy the pursuit of the new. I readily admit that I love to shop, and like many of you have said, I'm in a place in my life in which I can actually afford to indulge many of my wants, which was not the case until I hit about age 40. I know I can't keep going the way I have been in the last two years though. I did a lot of purging and a lot of buying, and then some more purging and buying as I found YLF and then have been refining my style.

And yet, every time I look at my newly-redone closet, I feel like I could stand to get rid of some more things. I am eyeing some unworn items that I could probably let go, and the dangerous thing is: I can envision other items to take their place. But a big part of why they are unworn is because I have too much stuff to wear anything more than several times in a season, unless we're talking about true workhorses like jeans and boots.

At some point, I may have to reduce my time spent on YLF because even though this place has been great for my style, is not necessarily good for my pocketbook. I have a hard time resisting the tempting things I see through my involvement here.

Helena

Veteran

Don't have any wisdom, just support as I am all about the minimal, well-edited wardrobe and yet always somehow have BAGS to give away ... *sigh* ...

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