How to explain your sense of style to other people

Hello!!

I'm a 25 years old living my last year in the same house as my mother (I'm moving out in a few months) and I always seem to have problems with her about my style.

Obviously, she still sees my as a baby and she expects me to wear clothes that either of us bought years ago! Even though they still fit me (I'm still as slim and short as I was when I was 12) there is an abiss between the clothes I liked when I was 14 to the clothes I like now. Also, I have a baby face and everyone thinks that I'm 16 years old (no matter what clothes I wear) so I definitely can't wear anything that makes me look younger than I am.

However, she thinks that it's a waste if I donate something that is in good condition. For her, there's only to options: throw it in the garbage because it's ruined or wear it.

At the same time, I like to keep some of my "not so stylish clothes" to wear around the house when noone can see me so I don't ruin my good clothes sweeping or mopping. But, whenever she sees me wearing those clothes, see claims "sweeping with that sweater that costed a fortune??" "you never wear that lovely thing!" "I am never going to spend a dime in clothes for you again!" and I don't know how to explain my new sense of style to her.

14 years ago

Queen Mum

Veteran

you can't explain your new sense of style to her. You just need to keep doing what you're doing and bite your tongue until you move out.

(website)

I'd say the timing is great that you are moving out in a few months!! It sounds like you are still in the roles of parent/child in the house and she isn't ready to shift into you being the adult you with your own choices that come along with that.
Perhaps you could explain that just because an item is still intact, it may no longer be right for you as you are maturing. And as for wasting good money, maybe explaining donation as a form of charity to others would help her to let go without feeling you were needlessly tossing hard paid for things aside? And it's very wise to keep the 'not so good' clothes around for chores and the like! Maybe the idea of a clothing capsules would make sense to her - these clothes are for cleaning, these clothes are for going out, etc.

rae

Hi Isis!

I really empathize with you about the communication divide with your mother - in fact, the lines you quoted sound an awful lot like my own mother... It is a tough situation, especially since you're at an age when you probably do need to start to get people to take you seriously and not view you as a kid. I think your instincts in this regard are spot-on.

Unfortunately, from experience, I don't envision your mom coming around no matter how you explain it. It may be a generational or even a cultural gap, and that is really hard to overcome. Fortunately, you will be living on your own soon and will be able to make your own choices without the unwelcome commentary. :T

I will add this as well....
As the mother of an adult child (19) living at home, it is really hard to keep my mouth shut and let him be an adult.
First, let me clarify that there is NOTHING wrong with living at home, BUT, your parents are not going to see you as an independent adult while you are still living under their roof.

Just by nature of the fact that my son is still at home means that he still needs some support from us. Again, nothing wrong with that... I don't expect him to move out and support himself completely yet, but we are supporting him and therefore there are certain subjects that I think we have the right to nose in on. Obviously, clothing is not one of those, but my point is, your mom still feels that she is in a position of parenting you and in your case, it's coming out in her comments about your wardrobe. Once you move out, she may be less inclined to be so mothering.

Does that make any sense?

mrseccentric

ah, Isis, this is a hard one! i agree with Queen Mum, most likely you won't be able to explain this to your mom. my best advice would be to make sympathetic noises when your mom makes these types of comments, but to continue on the path which is right for you.

you might try saying 'yeah, i know, clothes are so expensive!' or 'styles change so quickly, and people in the workplace really judge others about it' or 'i just can't feel like a professional when i'm wearing the clothes from when i was 14' or whatever, just kind of a general statement said sympathetically so mom feels you aren't ignoring her. it's difficult, you are at a place where you want to be seen as an adult and a big part of that is dressing like an adult.

but speaking from experience (i'm 49), i wouldn't hang my hopes on being able to bring mom around to your way of thinking. hang in there! steph

MsMary

QM is absolutely right. You can't and don't need to explain yourself to her.

AND you almost certainly can't get her to stop doing what she's doing.

The only person you can change is yourself -- by changing the way you respond.

My suggestion is "smile and nod, smile and nod." And if she says she's not going to spend another dime on clothes for you, smile, nod, and say "That's okay -- I'm grown up now so I've got that covered."

Mitzy

Active Member

Being a mom AND a daughter I really understand. Now, my daughters are just the opposite, they are 30 (I have twins) and still wear things from when they were teens. Especially t-shirts. Ah well, kids.....
My mom used to say that thing about not wearing things she bought me when I went out. Try something like - Oh, I wear that sweater all the time, it's so warm and comfy for doing stuff around the house!
You will be moved out soon and then maybe she will slack up a bit. Or not. At least she cares enough to say SOMETHING, I guess. My mom is no longer with us and sometimes I wish she was here - even if only to criticize.
Good luck.

Angie

Fashion Stylist

You've received great suggestions here. I just wanted to say good luck.

Maya

I moved out of my parents' house at roughly the same age you did. Believe me, it never stops. My mother will just pick up right where she left off when I moved. The first things I generally hear from my mother when returning home for a weekend are along the lines of: WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FACE? ::points at pimple:: and you're wearing those short shorts on the subways?!

I just don't respond. A response is an invitation to continue the conversation. I'm 27 years old now, living on my own, earning my own money, and I really don't need to explain or justify myself to my parents anymore.

nicoleb

I agree with what Queen Mum said.

When i was a teen living at home i had tons of clothes i knew my mom wouldn't like so i just hid them in my car and changed somewhere else XD

biscuitsmom

You've gotten some great suggestions already, but I just wanted to add a couple of ideas about others seeing you as a teenager- are you wearing the same hairstyle as you did then? So many teens wear their hair long, straight and parted in the center...what about your shoes, accessories and purses? Are they teen style, or age-appropriate? Do you wear makeup? I know not all adults do, and thats fine, but it does help add to a more mature appearance. Those few things can be *key* to looking your age! Good luck...

Mellllls

I think moving out will certainly help the situation you are in. Your mother will always make comments if that is how she is but once you are on your own, earning your own money, and paying your own rent, her comments are just that, comments and nothing else. Wear the clothes that you want!

Polly (thunalata)

Hang in there!

You've had lots of great advice, and I just wanted to remind you that these hassles are part of you growing away from your mum and that this is a really important thing. Even when it seems quite hard, it is part of an essential journey, and if you can manage to take MaryK's advice and turn away the comments without getting upset that will be even better, because you are giving the message that you are in control now of your own life but, ideally, still value the fact that she cares enough to comment.

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