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How to Deal with Family

Thistle

Veteran

I love my in-laws, I really do, but in small doses. A day or two and then back to my life. However, every year, they want to do a huge family camp trip for an entire week. They are trying to get people to commit to 2014 now.

Context - My husband is one of 4 children.
SIL #1 - Stay at Home Mom
SIL #2 - Works 2 days per week during the school year only
SIL #3 - Is a teacher so she doesn't work summers
Me - Work full time with 3 weeks of vacation per year. I am the primary income in my house.

A week of vacation is HUGE for me - 1/3 of all the time I get off - for something I dread. After 3 days I am tired of most people, my own family included, much less in-laws. A week is just awful.

I suffer from terrible allergies. Outdoor activities aggrevate them to the point that my eyes weep and will glue shut at night. I am allergic to trees, grass, pollen, etc. I can tolerate it for a day or two, but the effects are cumulative and eventually even the medicine isn't enough.

I have told them I strongly dislike camping and I have allergies, but camping is like a religion to some, and they don't want to or just can't comprehend how I could hate camping.

I have a toddler. Nothing is babyproofed. Nothing. And she is fearless. I spend the entire time chasing her and being stressed that something bad will happen. Fire pits. Water. Brush. Her racing into the street if I turn my eyes away for a second.

I am seen as a "Nap Nazi" as I am vehement on her getting her nap. I even took her home every day this year (they could only find 3 days on everyone's schedule this year) so she could nap. The other kids (there are 7 of them) can't be quiet, nor can the adults. Of course, the issue is the same at night when she needs to go to bed at 7:30.

I know she will be a year older next year, but how do I know she will be better than this year. I hear the twos are terrible!

DH doesn't want to go either, not at all, and he is angry they are pushing it again and not listening to our gentle excuses. (Two of his siblings and his parents love the camp week, not sure about the other one).

We want DD to get to be with family and have all the wonderful memories, and I don't want his family to think of me as the pushy b!tch their son married, but honestly, this isn't wonderful. It was only 3 days this year, and by the end of day three, everyone was short tempered with each other, especially the kids. I was exhausted and then sick from the allergies for two days. DD was cranky and so was DH. And that was 3 days. We only went for 2 days last year as DD was 6 months old, and the year before we skipped the whole week as I was 7 months pregnant and the campsite was more than 1 hour from my hospital.

If you have made it this far, thank you!! I could really use some guidance for you lovely ladies.

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42 replies

Latest reply was from biscuitsmom

kellygirl

Veteran

Ugh. Sounds like a week of torture. I would tell them that you appreciate the invite but it is just too much for you right now. They already know that you have allergies AND you don't like to camp--that should be enough. You've already tried it and were a very good sport. I would think they'd get the hint by now and since they aren't, I'd just flat out say no thanks, end of story.

I've found that a torn achilles can get you out of almost anything. There's always that too. LOL. Just kidding.

rachylou

Veteran

I would say no, that I can't camp. Then I'd practice my meditation, imagining everybody as bleating sheep wanting their feed when the whining started. Nice sheep. Cute sheep. Fluffy sheep. Noisy sheep. A nun taught me that. Works good.

Although I love love camping. Desert camping is easier allergy-wise.

But what sort of camping is this where you can go home every day?

Thistle

Veteran

It was at a state park nearish out house. Close to a 45 minute drive each way, but worth it to get DD to sleep in her bed and not be a holy terror all afternoon.

I like the sheep idea!!

Anonymous

I think it sounds like torture too. But then you would have to drag me kicking and screaming into a tent. I just don't camp, no way I need a flush toilet in the next room and a bed that is off the floor and carpet or floorbaords under foot lol! Not sure I have much advice, but it sounds like purgatory to me and I would have to think up and excuse if it was me.

MNsara

Veteran

Bless your heart for even trying! Is there a motel nearby the park that your little family can stay at - so you have AC at night to help with allergies, a quiet easy room for DD napping, some privacy/escape. But are only 5 minutes from camp? That way you guys can sit around campfires, join them for breakfast, etc. (without 90 min RT drive twice a day).

Otherwise, because your vacation time is limited and sacred, what about just joining them for the opening weekend, or closing weekend -- taking just 1-2 days off work?

celia

Veteran

Oh Thistle, families are hard to please...
I do not like camping at all and the idea of 'let's spend time all together' bothers me so my point of view may be skewed.
For the sake of your daughter I would compromise in going for a weekend camping.
Since the gentle approach didn't work I would just go out and be honest about it, as in, you know I just have 3 week vacation for the whole year and some of these vacation days I use for things like my DD being sick and needing me home, a week is too much time to spend at once, so I will spend a weekend (or two days of the week ) to be with you all and that is it.
Hope you don't get too stressed out about this.

Makrame

Veteran

I would probably try committing to joining them for a few days (3-4) instead of the entire week. It sounds like you were able to make that work last time and that is probably the longest you can stay there without the allergies getting completely out of control. Maybe tell them that is how much time you can take off around the dates they are planning (without going into details about the reasons), and that is that.

I do think that with time, your DD will get used to spending outdoors with her cousins, and these trips will be easier for you (although I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to be dealing with allergies while trying to enjoy outdoor activities).

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This sounds brutal to me. I'd be miserable.

You have already received the best advice ever. Since you and DH are pretty much on the same page, that's a big relief -- you can present a united front. I would talk it over with him again and agree on a plan. EITHER go for the compromise (as in do one weekend plus a day or so, if possible staying in a nearby motel at night and for your daughter's naps) OR just say no. In your position, I'd probably do the former. (Because you want your daughter to have a connection with her cousins, etc.)

It will be really tough the first time you do it. But it will get easier over time as they adjust to the new reality.

Glory

Veteran

That is a conundrum! I think I would try to go for 2 days - yep only 2. Minimizes packing, DD gets to see cousins, you show that family time and cousins are important and despite allergies you are still doing it.
I love the idea of a nearby hotel but if that doesn't work - 2 days...1 night
And take cupcakes, or whatever the fave dessert is....that will appease the masses.

MsMary

Veteran

I agree -- two days, one night, period, end of story.

"I'm sorry, that's all we're able to do but we're really looking forward to it!" Repeat as necessary.

Note that you do not have to do any of the following:

Explain WHY you are only doing two days.
Get any of the in-laws to agree with your position.
Make everybody happy.
Answer any personal questions about why you are doing what you're doing.
Justify your choices.

Good luck! Stick to your guns and you will be fine!!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Thistle, you are not a bitch just because you don't want to do something you hate to do. If they see you that way, then that's their issue. Camping, let alone camping with a toddler, is something people enjoy or not. If you don't, then don't let them bully you into a week of misery. (As far as naps go, I was a serious nap monster myself; as soon as folks saw my kid without one, they become one too!)

Options:
1) Tell them your allergies and work schedule make a camping trip impossible this year. Keep repeating this every year until it sinks in.
2) Send DH and kiddo without you.
3) Tell them that you're sorry, you love to be invited, but you hate camping and would be terrible company, and when DD is big enough you'll be happy to send her along but for now it's just not fated. Keep repeating this until it sinks in.
4) Go. Be miserable and a bitch. When called on it, sob openly about how unhappy you are and demand they spend time to make you feel better. Stagger around with eyes closed and sneeze in people's faces. I guarantee you will never be invited again.

I personally loathe camping and have friends who love it. I have pointblank told them I love them, but I hate camping, and I just don't want to go. When one said, "You have to go!" I just looked at her and after a pause, I said kindly and firmly, "No, I don't." End of that conversation. Hurrah.

Gaylene

Veteran

OK, a couple of observations:

First, your daughter is still too young to have "great memories" of family get-togethers. If she was old enough to play with her cousins without your having to constantly monitor her, it would be different.

Second, you are worried that his family will think of you as the "pushy bitch that he married". It's unfortunate, but I'd venture to guess, despite your attempts to appease them with a half-way measure, you're likely to be stuck with this label unless you totally go along with the whole deal. It's been my experience that trying to go half-way in a situation like this rarely makes anyone happy--you still have to do something you dislike and they will still be upset that you threw a wrench into their happy plans.

Nope, from my experience, don't go if you and your husband are in agreement that you don't want to make this trip. Say "Gosh, we just can't make it this year, but we really are looking forward to seeing everyone at Thanksgiving/Christmas". End. of. story. They will be unhappy, but they will move on after expressing their unhappiness if you don't waver. If you go and are miserable, that will be far more damaging to your future relations with your in-laws. I speak from experience.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

What MaryK said. And don't budge on that. Or try to explain. Or feel guilty. It's your life and your precious vacation time.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Ooh, I have high-maintenance in-laws. Lovely people, but unaware that anyone would live differently from themselves, so I get this!

You've received great advice! Since it seems that your trip seems to be relatively close, you would have the option of visiting the campsite for dinner one night, and that's it.

It is so true that being polite and firm is all that's required. You don't have to give reasons why or justify your choices. I'm guessing, from the fact that you seemed to have camped nearby, that your DH's family is not flung across the country, and I imagine you see them regularly. If that's the case, it's easier to stay connected in smaller doses --- without mosquitoes and ticks and campires and...........

Now, remind me of all this when my in-laws arrive at the end of August!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Stay strong, honey child, and don't do a DAMN thing you and DH aren't comfortable with... they truly WILL get over it, in time, and your comfort, along with DH'S/kiddo's, should be front/center. Better to tick them off now, than to live with regrets later.... believe me, I *know* what I'm talking about....

abc

Veteran

I really like MaryK's suggestion for various reasons.

Stay strong and if you're like me, even if you feel like offering justifications / reasons, DON'T. It's your decision and you have the right to stick to it withOUT offering any reasons to them. They obviously don't take your feelings into consideration when planning a week-long camping trip (!!!) so I don't think you owe them any explanations on why you won't be joining for the full time.

Good luck with this, please let us know how it turns out.

Mochi

Veteran

I am probably little help here if you're looking for a way to do this indirectly and softly, because I would just say lay it down that you are not going to do this and let them be huffy about it. Because the only way you will stand up to their unreasonable pushiness is by growing a backbone and saying, "NO." Okay, say, "Sorry, no thank you." But the decision should be yours.

Ginkgo

Veteran

Everyone has already covered how to handle the camping trip, so I'll move along to planning your next vacation. You need a warm, sunny vacation every winter to soak up vitamin D and build strong bones, so don't waste any time camping with the in-laws!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Psssst. I love what Mary K said. Do it! And what Gingko said, times three. SUCH good advice. You should all go someplace sunny for ten days every winter, full stop. For your health!!

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Sympathies. Great advice here (as always).

Not suggesting you say this but I don't do camping any more & when people ask, I say if god had meant me to go camping she wouldn't have invented 5 star hotels.

Traci

Veteran

I feel pretty strongly that it's the family member's, ie, your husband's, job to deal with these matters. You really won't get anywhere at all by worrying about what they'll think of you. Let him tell them no, firmly, not hintingly, and then just let it go.

Eliza

Veteran

You have great camping trip advice here, so no need to repeat it. All I would add is that you are not just agreeing to one week of camping if you completely cave to their assumptions and expectations. You are establishing rituals and ways of doing things that are likely to be around for decades. It will become the precedent and the pattern. Thistle's family is not considered and will not be unless people simply know that you will not do what doesn't work for you or goes against your better judgement as a parent. I'd let your husband state what works for the family in a short, straight forward way. No big info for anyone to counter, point by point.

I might not only decline, but at some later point role model by appropriately trying to propose a reasonable gathering, perhaps for a day or a weekend. Ask about preferences, kid issues, allergies, availability, etc. Find out what will work best for everyone and be clear that that is your goal. If nothing can work comfortably for all, there's your answer. See people in smaller groups.

The key here is a matter of fact, united front and no angst. Good luck!

Anonymous

This is tough but I would be inclined to say no way until your daughter is older. I can't imagine camping with a toddler. This year my husband took our 4yo daughter camping for a week and I wouldn't have even considered it before then.

Honestly, your daughter isn't going to be aware of family memories until she is older, and your allergies and limited vacation time in my opinion means you need to spend it wisely for you and your health. So ditch it for a couple years, go someplace warm and allergy free!

Betti

I've learned that with family, presentation means a lot. Say "Camping? Are you kidding me? We don't camp." Leave it at that. When they resist, hold your ground, but say it with a smile.

As a fall-back you could always tell them you'll try very hard to get off work, but then find it impossible to do so.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do....

Echo

Veteran

I have to agree that your DH needs to step up and take care of this. You should not need to deal with his parents in this case; he knows them better and since he shares your feelings, he needs to handle things with them.

I'd encourage you and DH to find a day when you can go up and visit them all at the camp ground. Play volleyball or do whatever they do all day, visit, catch up and then be done and go home. No overnights, no staying several days, no excuses. It simply doesn't work for your family, and there is no need to explain things further.

Good luck, though. These things are much more easily said than done. As an aside, I am very allergic to cats and dogs, and we have a holiday gathering at MIL and FIL's home. They do not even have the common sense to put the cat in another room for the evening, although the dander would certainly do me in even if they did. I stayed the evening the first year and ended up at the ER the next day, still unable to breathe well. For the last several years, I stay for the meal (after taking massive doses of allergy meds), say my goodbyes and leave. I don't think they understand and/or believe that allergies can be as severe as they are, but that isn't my issue. I can't worry about what they think when the alternative lands me in the ER.

Nadya

Veteran

I believe in following Miss Manners advice - which is another way of phrasing what others have said above:

"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, we just can't." If asked why not, you reply, "Because I'm afraid it's just impossible."

Or, just let your DH and daughter go <evil grin>.

Sara L.

Veteran

You've received some great advice here. I just wanted to commiserate since I don't like being around my husband's family for more than 3-4 hours. They're all nice people, they're just so unlike me and my family that I find them exhausting to be around. I'm also a nap nazi (my 7 year old will still nap a couple times a week) and bedtime nazi and neither my family nor DH's ever understood that. My kids love their grandparents and cousins though so I make an effort to see them as much as possible (they all live short drives from us).

I would try to do the weekend or day trip so you can see everyone and make the family connection.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

I LOVE camping but I would not do it with my in-laws for a week either -even without a toddler in tow.
You got a ton of great advice already, all I can say - life is too short to spend it on something you really loathe. Be strong!

Adelfa

Veteran

I will echo that you've gotten a lot of good advice. So I just want to repeat one thing that Gaylene said. Believe me, Thistle, we are older than you and we *know*.

She said:

"If you go and are miserable, that will be far more damaging to your future relations with your in-laws. I speak from experience."

It's so true. If you go along with things you hate, over and over, resentment will build and you will have a much worse relationship with your inlaws than if you politely set boundaries now. It's hard to see that now, but it's true.

I also want to say, not knowing your DH from Adam, that though it's completely true that he should handle his own family, some DHs are not able to do that. If he is one, then you do it. It will still be better than going along.

And, if you pray, say a prayer of thanks that you and he are on the same page!

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