How much freedom to "roam" do you give your kids? - YouLookFab Forum

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How much freedom to "roam" do you give your kids?

Raisin

Veteran

Very recently my oldest son has started playing outside all day, with the little girl who lives next door. He is 5, he'll be 6 in a 2 weeks and she is 7.

I try to watch them as much as I can out the window, but I have a baby inside and things to do, so it can be difficult. Her mom seems to be ok with allowing her to roam, but I do give my son specific rules. Those are that he has to stay in our yard or hers, and if they want to play in the church yard (across the street) or go in her house, he has to come tell me first. So far he's been doing fairly well with those rules, though I did catch him doing a few small things, but nothing major.

That said, he is 5, well really close to 6, but still just a "baby" in my mind. Some days I feel like I'm being stupid, being so liberal with him, and maybe it's just a disaster waiting to happen. I guess, considering my job, my mind tends to run to "worst case scenario". But then I think about my own childhood, and we were doing the exact same thing at his age. We were actually running the woods at that age! No one could even see us, we'd come in for lunch and then be gone.

I really think it's important to help kids become independent. I do not want to be a "hover parent". Then again, I don't want to be the stupid parent that let her 6 year old out to roam, and something happens, and I feel guilty forever. He is a clumsy boy too. He's had head injuries in the past couple months, one at a friends house, and one at school. But the first required gluing and the second stitches! So, you know even if he listens to everything I tell him, he's prone to injury, lol.

Well. They are outside making a treasure map right now, to search the church yard with. Exactly what I would be doing as a kid!

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32 replies

Latest reply was from sarah

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

I thik you have your answer already - you know what's right, and you also know that you have to take a risk to give him the opportunity to develop healthy independent habits and self esteem. As the mother of older children I support your urge to give him some freedom within limits. It will benefit the entire family in the long run, as independent and responsible children are such an asset. He has been given rules, and as long as he honors them, you should both be okay. You seem to be a very considerate and caring Mum for your son!

Nicole D

Veteran

Well, I allow them to play outside within view. We are lucky to live at the end of a court so they can ride bikes around the circle. 7 and 9 year old are allowed to bike to the corner and 9 year old can go to the park behind our house. They can play in the backyard (fenced) on their own but they really do need supervision, otherwise they will get into mischief and there will be blood. It's like a rule where they play until someone is injured. And of course no one in the pool unless parent or grandparent present. I think your limits sound perfectly in.

Raisin

Veteran

Thanks...I was hoping I wouldn't hear a chorus or "are you crazy?! He's only 6!" But then again, maybe others will think so!

One thing that I really do like is he hasn't touched his Nintendo in a week. He'd rather be out playing. I think that's much healthier than playing Nintendo all day, which I'm ashamed to say, sometimes happens, especially in the first few months with the baby.

It's sort of hard to let them go, and encourage their independence, but at the same time you want to keep them close, and safe and protect them from everything.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Bear in mind I am only a stepparent, but it sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I think it's good to encourage their independence, we had just come to Canada when we were 5, so I stuck with my dad a lot, even on the playground, and I think it has made me a lot less socially outgoing.

As for the injuries, I think that's part of growing up! We all have scabs and scars stuff that we are proud of, right, as an adult? I have one from falling on a tin can!!!

As long as he's with a buddy (who would know to get help if something really bad happened), I think you have a good approach!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I'm not at that point with my girls (5 & 4) but I also feel you have given a sensible amount of freedom within boundaries.

The girl's do play in the garden at some point most days, I make a point of opening windows (even when I am freezing) so that I may hear them chattering. I don't know about you but I felt the same anxiety the first time I let the girls play in their room alone and it did pass as they earned the trust.

ironkurtin

Veteran

You have to do what makes you comfortable. If your "momdar" says this is OK, it is!

T-Rex

Veteran

I don't have a kid, so take this with a grain of salt.

Perhaps you could specify that playing anywhere outside of the yard is against the rules unless he is playing with other children. And then try to train the kids to look out for each other, and to come get one of you if an adult other than one of the parents approaches them. Maybe teach them to scatter if they feel threatened, and tell all of them to come home if that happens and to let all of you know.

I would be more worried that something bad would happen with no one seeing it, than how far away from the house my child might me when he or she is playing.

rachylou

Veteran

I walked home from school when I was 6. In fact, I think the first time I took a bus alone I was 5. I went way downtown by myself to go to the Y or something. Lots of big streets to cross.

However, I don't think my mother let my brother do stuff like that. Different child, different levels of awareness regarding safety.

When my dd was little, well, the whole region had gone metropolitan. Too many cars, streets too big, etc. etc. Had to stay in the courtyard of our building, no going to 7-11 on the corner until she was 11/12.

Anonymous

To be honest I do think it is too young to play on their own at 5. If it was in a locked garden then fair enough, but I also don't think kids have road sense at all at that age.My son is actually 9 and he hasn't ever really played out much on his own.He has always had pals round and they play in our back garden and never relly out front. But at 5 I wouldn't have let him out of my sight. I guess it depends on the areas you live in etc., and who am I to judge, but I do think it's a tad young.

Raisin

Veteran

Rachylou, it was the same way for us as kids. We walked to and from school everyday, starting at 5. That seems crazy to me today! I don't think any kids walk to school nowadays, at least not before 10 or so. But then again, we survived, right? I was talking the bus all over the city at age 11 and I can't imagine letting an 11 year old do what I did then.

Diane, your concern about the streets is valid. We do not live on a very busy street, but there is local traffic. That is why I don't let him leave the yard, but he does have to cross to go to the church yard. It's something I should maybe re consider, at least if he had to stay in the yard, traffic would not be as much an issue.

T-Rex, good suggestions. Right now he's only,playing with the one little girl, but as the weather gets nicer, the kids come out, and maybe I can get some of the older kids to keep an eye out.

I also thought about getting him a watch, and then having him come check In the house every 1/2 hour. Then the benefits would be 2-fold, I'd know where he is, and he could practice learning to tell time.

Isn't it crazy the things we did as kids, and I wouldn't let him do 10% of that now?! I'm not sure if the world has changed that much, maybe we as parents are going a bit overboard. That's why I do try to encourage some independence. I have to say, when we were in Croatia, DH and I both noticed that parents are about a millions times more relaxed with their kids there. I'm sure some of that has to do with things being safer, but also I think it's just in their culture to be more relaxed, and we North American parents are more stressed.

catgirl

Veteran

Great question! Because of where we live, my fears center on thingsliked moose and bears. When we camp we will let the kids bike around the campground in a group. Hiking I will not let my son too far ahead or out of sight. He is 9. I've let him walk the dog around the block but that makes me nervous again because of moose!

We grew up in a very safe kid-friendly neighborhood. When i go back there, I let my son roam the street because he is with the neighbor kids. I used to bike to town for ice cream and take public transportation in grade school.

I think you are fine. As a parent there is always that balance between teaching independence and self-reliance and absolute terror that something will go wrong.

amiable

Veteran

It sounds like you've set up clear boundaries and expect your child to obey them - I think that's exactly right. I do the same with my kids, and I do check to make sure they're in the boundaries from time to time. (And when they're not, they have to spend the next hour or so inside right beside me, so I know exactly where they are). I think five is plenty old to trust that much to your child (I do with my three-year-old, but his older siblings also keep him in line).

And how wonderful that he's playing outside!

DonnaF

Veteran

I think this is a kid by kid thing as well as a neighborhood by neighborhood thing. When I was a toddler, I am told that I chased after bear cubs thinking they were puppy dogs! And of course where there are cubs, Mama Bear is likely to be near.

I wouldn't let a youngish child play with a ball that might roll in the street, and I think I would teach him/her about stranger kidnappers who pretend to have lost a kitten or puppy. In my car, I've had to dodge teen boys and balls, and this year there have been three kidnapping attempts near DD's old high school and a weird stranger hanging out near her elementary school, so I don't think I'm outrageously paranoid.

I keep in mind the words of a friend: "You don't want college to be the first time your child has ridden public transit or gotten around on her own." You want to be there to coach them in their baby steps toward independence and learning to pay attention to their danger instincts so that they're not super naive and clueless when they are legally adults.

Deborah

Veteran

Raisin, please keep on mind this is the neurotic mother of a single child talking:). At 6 my son played where he was in my view. My hard or a friends, again where the mum could supervise. I do think it's too young to be out of your sight but that is my opinion not a judgement on you :). It has only been the last 18 months that my son plays in the street, at the end of a court with friends, bike riding and scootering etc out of my sight.

Gaylene

Veteran

Trust your instincts as to where to draw the lines for your son. To some people, you'll be too restrictive, while others will find you too relaxed, so you might as well do what you think is right for both you and your son. That was the advice that my mom gave me when I was raising two active little boys.

You want your son to grow into a strong, independent person who is not afraid of life so you have to give him some freedom to explore his world and meet new friends but it's also important to have some boundaries so you aren't constantly worrying. Just make sure that the rules are sensible, and workable, from his perspective as well as your own, otherwise you'll both get frustrated.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It sounds to me as if you've set clear rules that make sense for the place you live. Every neighbourhood is a bit different. If you had a river right outside that would e one thing; if you had a highway, that would be another; and so on.

When my daughter was almost five, we lived on a quiet residential street in our small city. Our rule was that she stay on our side of the road and ask permission if she wanted to go further than our garden area. And only do that with some kind of adult supervision (e.g. a neighbour being around, etc.)

One quiet Sunday morning, when there was no street traffic whatsoever, I was out in my front garden doing weeding. She was helping me out but got a little bored. Our neighbour three houses down (on the same side of the road) came outside with her dog and M asked if she could go play with the dog. I said sure, waved to our neighbour to check if it was okay, and turned to the weeds.

Five minutes later there was a police car in front of my house with my daughter in it!

The young police officer gave me a very strict talking down about allowing my child to wander. (In front of her, too...I wasn't pleased). Apparently she had walked the three or four more houses down to the corner (still within my sight, if I had actually looked at that moment) and was talking to a young woman, a "stranger." Did I know what that could lead to? Etc. etc.

I know he had probably seen the worst and was imagining worst case scenarios, but I was a little freaked out by his zeal...especially under the circumstances.

As my daughter had tried in vain to explain to him, the person she was talking to was NOT a stranger at all, but her regular babysitter's daughter, and they had walked to the corner together with the dog, and were about to walk back when he intercepted them and began asking questions. He was suspicious because my daughter is Asian and the young woman she was talking to is not.

Phew. Long crazy story, I know. I guess I just want to say that each parent knows his or own child and neighbourhood best. You've given this serious thought and that is what is most important!

Echo

Veteran

I agree that every parent has different feelings and boundaries. My main fear would be that a 5 year old, even if told not to, doesn't have the impulse control not to run after a ball or frisbee or whatever he might be throwing into the street. And then, I would role play with him about stranger danger and tell him in no uncertain terms that an adult NEVER asks a child for help (directions, finding a puppy, etc.), and if any adult tries that he needs to RUN.

I think in terms of statistics, a child is no more likely to be abducted today than they were when I was a child. And I, like most kids then, was allowed to roam almost anywhere. My parents had no idea where I was half the time. At dusk we'd hear the parents start to call and we'd run home. So we hear about more child abductions, but I don't think that objectively there are more of them.

I am lucky in that we live out in the middle of nowhere. Our driveway is a half mile long, so there is virtually no danger of vehicles. I generally have the kids' friends over to our house, and they can all play Nerf outside, walk down to the creek, climb trees, see the kittens in the barn, etc. We don't farm, but DH's dad does and he keeps tractors in the outbuildings here, so the kids are allowed to climb and play on the tractors, too. No traffic. No strangers. Aside from accidents and falling, which can happen anywhere, it is a pretty safe place.

qfbrenda

Veteran

This really depends on the kid. I have 5 kids and all of them have played outside on our property out of my eye sight by the time they were 5 yrs old. They have known the boundaries and knew that if they crossed them, they would lose the freedom to go out by themselves. So they were motivated to stay inside of them.

Deborah

Veteran

Raisin I was typing while getting ready this morning and I meant to add that as a mum its really important to trust your instincts. If my gut tells me one thing, I tend to follow it. The hard thing is it is our job to help them to slowly become independent and that means little steps all the time. You know your son, you know your neighbourhood, etc. You know.

Anonymous

My daughter was raised in NYC, there is no roaming here. Withiut reading responses, I personally think that you should err in the side of caution. He is still pretty small. Little Zap did not anywhere alone until she was about 12 years old. I still monitor her in terms of asking for a text when she gets to her destination or when she is leaving to come home, and she 18 but yes. this is NYC.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Well, every child and every parent are different so you just have to trust your gut. There's no right answer.

When my cousin (who was the same age as my younger sisters) was 6, he was hit by a truck while riding his bike down his street. The death of my cousin really affected me. As a result, I am pretty overprotective and always keep the kids under supervision outside. And DD doesn't really know how to ride a bike because she only gets to practice when we drive her to the school and practice on the basketball court. DH doesn't even want her to go on a bike trail because he's worried she'll get hit by the fast adult bikers.

We don't have a front yard and live on a busy street so there is no way my kids (5 and 3) could play on the street, but even if we lived on a cul-de-sac I don't know that I would feel comfortable with DD playing outside unsupervised. Even in our fenced backyard we try to be out there with them. I do let them play on their own inside the house. But then this is what happens--DD decides to play barber. LOL!

I am going to have a hard time letting go as she grows up!

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Raisin

Veteran

Oh my gosh Goldenpig, that is too funny! Well, her brother seems happy about it at least!

Thanks for all the advice, it's really been helpful. I am ruminating over this still, trying to decide what is the best amount of freedom to give him. I do think some is good, but I want to make sure I keep him safe at the same time.

nancylee

Veteran

You sound like a reasonable parent, Raisin, setting reasonable limits for your child. I gave my own son the same guidelines for playing with neighborhood children when he was about the same age (6 years old). We live on a street where the traffic can really zip by....and I worried...but I also wanted him to learn self-confidence and independence. He knew to stay on our side of the street and in the neighbor's yard. I do confess to checking on him now and then, but I think it was important for him to 'believe' he was playing independently and without me watching all the time.

My son is now 21, and experience has taught me that the best guideline to how much freedom to grant your child is your own instinct plus knowledge of your child's personality. Usually, you can make a good decision based on these two. That said, kids can surprise you by their actions, so be prepared for anything.

The fact that you're even worried about being too protective vs. being too lenient proves that you're exactly where you should be: in the middle making the best decision you can at the moment.

Irene

Veteran

Wow, I'm seeing myself in the future as an overprotective parent lol

Bear in mind that I live in a city, have no garden -most people don't have gardens/terraces in my city- and there are cars (and a bus) going down my street. So no, I wouldn't let my kids play outside without my supervision.

Just today, actually, I see this mom with a kid that couldn't be more than 3 or 4. He was walking way ahead of her (meters away) and she was on the phone, I think having an argument with someone. He tried to seek her attention and he screamed at him, which is why he went away in the first place. I'm walking behind him and then he turns around the corner. When I reach the corner (mom is behind me by then), I expect him to be by the end of the street already, since he was kind of running. He wasn't ANYWHERE to be seen. I looked up and down the street and was about to check in between the cars when I find him in the church entrance (there's a small church). Seriously, I was suddenly so scared! I approach him and tell him to go back to his mom and when I look in front of me, the mother is staring at me like I was about to kidnap her child. Come on, woman! What if he crosses the damn street? Cars go down that street like there's no tomorrow, I myself have almost been ran down by one right there!

I was 19 when I was given a group of children to teach for the first time. I had to talk to them in English (obligatory) and they were all Spanish. They were 4-5 years old. I had nine of them. I controlled them at all times. I knew there were some kids I could trust, especially those that were quieter and shyer, they didn't move much, they just stood wherever I told them to be. But there were kids I knew would jump, run, push, whatever. And I never left any of them on their own. Kids need their independence, fine. But a 5 years old child doesn't FEEL danger. He doesn't have that conscience yet. He doesn't think of consequences. He doesn't understand what dying is, or what getting really hurt is. You cannot trust that they won't do something crazy-dangerous. You can't think of all the crazy things a kid might do when inspired, so I think it's best to let them do their own thing but under your supervision (or some other adult's / old enough sibling)

Hil

(website)

Veteran

What an interesting topic - I was thinking about this just the other day... and wondering whether parents in other countries are more relaxed than we are, with our crazy crime rates!

My kids are almost 8 and almost 10 and they play unsupervised, but only ever in our garden. When we lived in a residential complex with very little garden, they often played in the driveways with their neighbour friends - but there were strict rules about how far they were allowed to roam. I quite miss the fact that they had neighbour friends as playmates - we don't have that now.

We live in a relatively quiet suburb, but on one of the busier roads. I have recently been debating whether to allow them to walk to the park on their own. I truly don't think I am brave enough yet. But... at that age, I was doing that and so much more.

A friend recently blogged about whether she was a bad mom for leaving her 10 year old alone for an hour inbetween her leaving for work and her housekeeper coming in.

I say trust your instinct. Mine would be - if they are in your yard, or the neighbour's then no worries, but if they want to cross the road, then they need adult supervision to do so.

rachylou

Veteran

Out of curiosity, have y'all done street-crossing training with your kids? I don't mean reminding them to look both ways when you're crossing together. I mean spelling out the procedure and making them practice on their own on a quiet street, with you watching but not going with. My mother did that with me. I don't know what she did with my brother.

Raisin

Veteran

Yes we've practiced crossing the street with DS, Rachy. I don't let him do it alone, but I still want him to know, in case it happens. As it were, he played at a friends house up the road a couple times, and the mom let them outside alone, and obviously not watching at all because they both came down to our house and had to cross the street to get here. I was pretty mad a him and at the other mom. But I figured it was an honest mistake, and let him go there again, and what do you know, it happened again the next time! That was last summer though, so he wasn't allowed out on his own at all. This year we're watching him in the yard with his friend, and he's being very respectful of the rules so far.

rachylou

Veteran

To be quite honest, I can't remember doing that with dd. But she seems to be able to do it all right... lol (she's 20 now).

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