How much "free time" do you get each day? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

How much "free time" do you get each day?

Aziraphale

Veteran

...and how much do you consider to be sufficient?

As a card-carrying member of the sandwich generation, I've been struggling with this. It's one thing being busy if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm OK with that. In fact I've been living my life like that lately: just get through this week, this month, this semester, and you will get a break. And there always IS a break, but it's always too short!

So when your life is "normal" -- i.e. you're not in a crunch period -- what amount of free time per day would you consider acceptable? An hour? Two hours? Five hours?

I guess I'm just looking for women -- especially older women -- to say that it gets...not easier, necessarily, but less frantic. I've talked to a few women who felt like their 40s were their busiest years, and that it got calmer after that. These are professional women, not lifelong homemakers, btw.

And I'm speaking from a place of privilege, I know. I'm not getting up at 5 am every day for backbreaking manual labour, and for this I am profoundly grateful. I am a middle-class white woman who had the good fortune to be able to stay home with her kids when they were small, and I continue to have the good fortune to pursue further education now that they're older. I'm not wishing for a different life. I guess I just want to be reassured that there is indeed a light at the end of that tunnel -- where life will settle down into a comfortable "busy-ness", as opposed to the frenetic kind.

Any thoughts from those who have been there?

Off Topic

29 replies

Latest reply was from

deb

Veteran

Once both kids started driving and had their own cars, life was so much easier. Then I just had to worry they did not cause an accident. Now I just need to keep up with the grandkids games and such. And the more kids the kids have, the more games and such I have to go to. Yep, the best were after mine had cars and before mine had kids.

Joy

Veteran

I found, and still find, that I need to carefully guard my time and say "no" to anything additional if I'm feeling stressed. You may need to ask children to cut activities and make choices because that involves you too.
Schedule time for yourself every day. I need silence so no tv or music on during the day. I complain to businesses that bombard you with music. Sometimes it's best not to listen to news. There's lots of noise and stuff that is stressful that can be eliminated.

catgirl

Veteran

I think some of this is in your control and some is not. I have an insanely stressful job and my family is my only priority - nothing comes before them. If means a life of work, basketball and saying no, so be it. It is hard to be everything to everyone and I've given up on expecting to do it. I've also chosen to live in a place where I'm not devalued for not putting my kid in every enriching activity. A boring weekend at our cabin is enriching enough for us. I often tell self employed people that there will never be a good time to take a vacation so you just have to do it - and same goes for us. There will never be a better time to give yourself a break than now.

Adelfa

Veteran

I stayed home with my kids for 11 years, and then went back to school, and after that to work. I definitely have more free time now, but only if I'm careful not to fill up my evenings. My down time is incredibly important to me so when I start to do this I feel bad and quickly cut back.

My free time on free nights depends on when I get home from work (between 6 and 8) and when I go to bed (10 or 11) as well as how many household tasks I choose to do in the evening, including cook (which to me is not free time). I walk the dog a couple of times, but that counts as free time

When I had kids in the home, I put limits on how many activities they did, so that I could be sane and happy (at least somewhat). Frenetic just doesn't work for me, though sometimes I chide myself for not accomplishing more.

I would say cautiously that you might be able to create a little more free time in your schedule, if you prioritize it.

MsMary

Veteran

It definitely gets easier. I remember when my son was little and I was working long hours at a big law firm, my fondest, fondest dream was just to have an hour to myself at home alone. And it never happened!

Once the kids are out of the house - even, as Deb says, once they are driving themselves - it gets a lot less demanding. I'm not married any more, my son is grown, and I'm in a place in my career where I can basically work 9 to 5 and call it a day. I have plenty of free time for the things I enjoy, like the gym, hanging out with friends, even a relationship with a new guy.

So... hang in there! And in the meantime make time for yourself!

DonnaF

Veteran

The dimensions change, but yes, it is less frantic. I very much feel sandwiched and that my life won't be entirely my own for awhile.

DD is off at college but calls or texts frequently for reassurance and virtual hugs or even to get ideas on assignments. These all happen in the three to five minutes it takes to walk between the library and her dorm. She still doesn't drive, but at least DH is now retired so he is the one who mostly schleps her around if a friend can't. I do worry about the driving thing after she graduates. . .

My mother, on the other hand is 90 going on three, lives in a large house that is beyond her ability to manage (because she gave notice at the senior housing I had moved her into months before) and is an enormous source of stress and worry as I wonder when the next trip to ER will be and how much more abuse I'll have to endure. She also doesn't drive because she (thankfully) totaled her car before she injured anyone, and doesn't go much of any place any more.

My mom lives 20 minutes away from me. My only other sibling lives across the country. Care for my grandparents never fell to my parents who had other siblings who cared for them, so of course my mother has no sense of what I am going through or if she does she doesn't care.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Thanks for the replies, everyone! I will answer individually tomorrow. Thank you for the support. I do say no to lots of things, by the way. I have yet to attend a PAC meeting, for example, and my kids are 11 and 7. Lol. (I don't get involved at school, but it also means I can't complain about anything!).

A certain amount of this busy-ness is just unavoidable this year. Or at least, I've made choices, and I'm living with them for now. But I don't want to have this little free time five or ten years down the road. Ideally I want at least three hours a day, which may not come for a decade, but that's where I want to be. So I was just wondering if this is a reasonable expectation, or if people generally accept way less (or enjoy way more!) free time.

Gaylene

Veteran

Does it get better? Yes and no, depending on how you see your obligations to those you love. Setting aside time for yourself doesn't just happen. It is a conscious choice that you make when you limit your availability and many women find it impossible to set those kinds of boundries with family and friends. Being busy and involved becomes almost a badge of honor.

Of course things do eventually slow down, but I sometimes wonder if people find "free time" as enjoyable as they had envisioned when it comes from circumstances instead of choice. A life constantly filled with activity and people doesn't lend itself to learning much about being alone. It seems to me that carving out a bit of solitude right now is probably important if you want to be able to enjoy it in the future.

rachylou

Veteran

I only get free time because I slack off on lots of things. And I have to tell ya the biggest problem is... Traffic. It takes a half hour to go across town, which should be ten-fifteen minutes. Could get out of the car and walk it, but that would take two hours. Could take the bus, but that would take an hour and a half and also it gets old waiting for it in the elements. Plus the bus is subject to the vagaries of traffic also. On Saturdays, the sitch becomes apocalyptic.

anne

Veteran

Depends a bit how you define it - does an hour or so on the bus count as free time - I get to read and catch up on Facebook/YLF? And my hour's lunchbreak? Those odd five minutes one snatches through the day

I think being a student, as you are, is tough in that there is theoretically no limit to how much time you can put into it. Will you get summer holidays?

Anonymous

It sounds like I have a few years on you in age - and my daughter is now almost 19 and is finishing her first year of university. Free time? I probably have a bit more now than I did when she was younger and required being driven everywhere (which I happily did - being the fortunate mom who could take her and her friends to games and practices every day) , but whatever time and energy that was taken up with being consumed by the life of a teenager has now been diverted to the much more stressful and unfulfilling job of managing my 84 year old mother and her day-to-day needs (of which there seem no end ) . Grocery shopping, banking , daily phone calls, doctor visits weekly it seems, horrible memory and failing hearing - it's all a nightmare. My time has just been diverted to another cause - and it is far less rewarding, but necessary all the same. I also found that my energy level is not the same as it was a few years ago - and you talk about getting through this week, this month, this semester....my version is now getting through the day. You've reminded me I need to look into what I can do about my fading energy - I'm too young to slow down yet:)

Anonymous

Yes it definitely does get better. DD is 21 and finishing up college this year. So she can take care of herself.

Both my parents are deceased. My father passed away just before his 87th birthday in 2007 after being bedridden for nearly 7 years after suffering several strokes and having COPD. My mother died in 2012 at age 90. I do miss them greatly, but at the same time I feel relief. They just did not have a plan and relied on me and my brother for everything.

Then DH's parents started relying heavily on him for the past 5 years or so. This is tough on him because he travels a lot for business and I try to help by taking care of most everything here at home when he is not available. Well DH's mom passed away last month and his dad is living with a caregiver. It has been rough but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things are coming together.

I would say that at this point, especially after DD started college, I have free time all day everyday to do what I want. If I decide I want to clean, I clean. If I don't want to clean, I don't. The same goes about cooking, etc. I find that being organized has helped tremendously with freeing up time to do what I want. Since I am a SAHM and have been pretty much for the past 21 years (did work part-time when DD was in public school). I also have a few hobbies that I dabble in and because I do almost all the stuff at home, my DH has time to relax after working and we get to spend lots of our free time together. It has been like dating all over again! (I pay the bills, take care of all the finances, take care of the inside of the house and sometimes the outside, do all the grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. But I actually enjoy doing these things because it clears my mind and I do not think about any negative going on.)

Anonymous

I'm with Deb on kids and cars! I was never one of those mothers who over scheduled their kids in various after-school and weekend activities. I hated every second I spent waiting in a car.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Right now, less than an hour a day. I don't even have kids.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

It does ebb and flow over the years. In answer to how much free time I have vs. how much I want or need, I now have maybe 2 hrs. of free time - time by myself with no chores or obligations, sort of, each evening and about 1 hour each morning - that is more obvious as I sit by myself, drink coffee and read for a solid hour almost every day before work. On the weekends, it can be even less. But remember each person defines "free" differently. To some walking the dog is free time. To me, watching tv or sewing is free, unless I am in a deadline or someone else expects me to watch tv with "him". I would LOVE more free time, and I am going to retire in a year or so and will then have some. (Hopefully when hubby retires in 6 weeks, he can take over a few items and we can both feel like we have more free time.)

When I was SAHM first 16 years I had kids, I had lots of free time, as I sewed, did the chores, volunteer work and errands during the school day. It felt free even if I was taking care of family things much of the time because I set my own timetables, and had plenty of time to get things done.

The time of most "free time" was when my kids were in college and early out-of-nest, before they got married and had their own kids, and I was working only part time, too. They were living their own social life and ours rarely intersected. But now with grandkids one hour away, we spend a lot of time driving to, and visiting with them. We're lucky my in-laws are 90 and 87, living in their own home and doing well.

For six years I have had a full time + stressful career job, with seasons of high pressure and extra hours. If a few busy weekends of time with family (in-laws or kids and grandkids), must-dos like holidays, taxes or church responsibilities, and chore catch-up come in the stressful work seasons, then I have no free time. In the times when work is "normal" and not much else is happening, some days I choose to run or go to the gym, the rest of the evening is taken up by cooking, cleaning up, minor chores such as paying bills or writing a birthday card, figuring out what to wear the next day. I often sew, read or watch tv with hubby. But that sometimes ends up being napping instead, which I don't count as free time but just an annex to night time sleep.

It is hard going through busy seasons, especially with young children as that is both mentally and physically demanding. I don't know how moms who work survive, really. Good luck to you in finding a good balance of family and self-care.

Gail

Veteran

I think it became easier for me also once the kids started driving. When they were younger they were in 3 different schools with no bus available. I needed 3 car pools which meant I had to drive somewhere every day at least twice. It was so bad that I had a schedule taped on the dashboard of my Suburban so I knew where I was going on any particular day. It was a terrible time in my life, then we had the after school activities ... My husband was not around all week as he came home at 8pm. I was stressed to the max.
Now I have two in college and the older one still living at home, graduated college but having terrible trouble finding a decent job.
I have plenty of free time now but wish that I had some kind of career that I could perhaps go back to part time. I do some volunteer work for Habitat. I think that my house was cleaner years ago as now I don't seem to care about it as much lol. I travel back and forth to visit my Mother in the UK quite a bit as she is now alone in a nursing home . my Father died in 2009. She had a massive stroke in 1999 on vacation in Australia and since then I have been over to visit a lot. When my Father was alive he would bring her to see me and they would stay for 6 weeks each year it would give him chance to rest. I was so happy that I had free time and I was able to do that.
Sorry I'm rambling now !

Aziraphale

Veteran

OK, I'm back. Sorry about the post-and-run!

Deb -- Lol. I forgot about the grandkids! I think you're right. My in-laws help us out a LOT with the kids. They seem happy to do it, but being involved with their grandchildren certainly contributes to making them busy!

Joy -- I know what you mean about needing a certain amount of silence. I don't think I'm a classic introvert, but I do need some "quiet" time.

Una -- me too. Family is my top priority. But there really is stuff that is out of my control at the moment. Sure, I could drop my daughter from violin and taekwondo, but what a waste that would be, since she enjoys them and has been doing them for a number of years. So I keep her in it. We all try to do what we think is best for our children, right? It also won't change the fact that my parents need more help these days, or that I have my own ambitions which unfortunately consume a lot of my time! But I would rather have too little time now and have a career once my kids are older. I'm not cut out for the stay-at-home-mom gig. I guess I just wanted reassurance that life will calm down a bit eventually.

Adelfa -- I agree, cooking is not free time! To me, dog walking isn't either, even though I enjoy it (or used to, before our dog passed away). If it MUST be done, it's not free time!

MsMary, you are my role model! I'm aiming for a life like yours.

Donna, I'm sorry about your mom. It's hard, I know. People who have not been caregivers don't understand. My own mother is so far gone now that she cannot even communicate, but I have never been her primary caregiver. My dad is a saint. One day, though, I will probably be caring for him -- but at least he will know how hard it is.

Gaylene: "Being busy and involved becomes almost a badge of honour." You're preaching to the choir, gal. I feel like when people talk about how busy they are, it's almost like they're bragging. I don't think they realize that's what it sounds like. But it's not something I'm proud of. I've never wanted to be busy. Perhaps I'm a bit lazy. I remember a colleague of my husband's (who also has four kids) saying, upon being asked how he was doing, "Not great. I'm busy and bored". What he meant was that he had next to no free time, and everything felt like a chore (he disliked his job at that point). That's how I used to feel as a SAHM. Now I'm just plain busy -- too busy -- but at least I'm not bored!

rachylou -- Ah yes. Traffic. I spend nearly two hours a day in it. What a waste. (And I slack off, too -- like I am right now, because I'm on a two-week break between semesters, and the kids are at school!).

Anne, an hour on the bus wouldn't count as "real" free time for me -- more like quasi-free time. When I say free time, I mean time where I literally don't have anything I MUST do. There are things I must do every day but that I also enjoy, like reading to my children before bed, or going to a class I like. There are things I must do that I don't enjoy, like making dinner and cleaning the bathrooms. But there is very little truly free time. I think I spoiled myself by having my first child at 31 -- I'd spent all of my 20s -- a whole decade! -- with no real responsibilities, other than work. It was wonderful.

LisaP, my heart goes out to you with respect to your mom. It must be so difficult and worrisome. You have a good attitude about it.

Lara, if I was a SAHM, I would have a ton of free time right now! I was a SAHM for ten years, and while my children are delightful, it wasn't enough. Sometimes I look at the SAHMs I know and envy their free time...but I would rather work my butt off now and have a career I enjoy later. One day the nest will be empty.

Betty Crocker -- I try not to overschedule my kids. Up until this year, everything was fine. But this year I felt compelled to put both kids in Kumon, and that's tipping us over the edge as far as activities because it's seven days a week.

Anna, Oh no! I thought it would be easier for you. Goes to show, perhaps we mothers whine too much. I've read that career women without kids often feel like parents don't respect their free time.

cjh, thanks for the well-wishes. I agree that life will always have busy periods. That is totally fine. In fact, it's nice to have short periods where you're really busy, because then you enjoy the down times more. Like this week, where I actually have a bit of extra time for the first time in months! I hope to have a life a bit like yours. It's nice to hear that things calm down in the early university years.

Gail -- "I have plenty of free time now but wish that I had some kind of career that I could perhaps go back to part time." That's exactly why I'm going back to school now! I'm hoping that more craziness now = more life satisfaction later.

Anonymous

When I was a busy (and I do mean busy) SAHM, working women would ask, "What do you do all day?" I can truthfully say I have more free time now that I work 40 hours a week than I did as a SAHM. Many former SAHMs I've met say the same thing. I only half jokingly tell people I came back to work to earn money and get some much-needed rest!

catgirl

Veteran

Sounds like you're doing what you can already then! Yes, children are a priority. And that's why I put basketball in there - we are at basketball 4 nights a week for DS. And I've totally given up caring what other people think of my slacker ways. I feel like I've put in my time career-building, which sounds like what you're focusing on now. At this point, I'm too short-sighted and impatient to wait to live differently, if that makes sense (even though I know it may be the reality). As far as if things will get better, I'm in the same boat as you so I don't have an answer - I just try to find a little bit of that time in every day somehow.

Just drinking a cup of tea is a habit that gives me 10 minutes of peaceful me time. I gave up soda altogether a month ago, and the biggest craving is not for the soda itself but for the few minutes it gave me while I cracked it open and drank it.

I hope you find what you need to feel balanced in the here and now!

abc

Veteran

These words by AG really resonated with me: It is hard to be everything to everyone and I've given up on expecting to do it. I've also chosen to live in a place where I'm not devalued for not putting my kid in every enriching activity.

THANK YOU for making me feel ok about these two really important points.

anne

Veteran

So thought provoking E. Have been thinking of this thread all day. But... am choosing bed over YLF tonight...

Aziraphale

Veteran

Betty Crocker -- I agree that a SAHM of pre-school children (under age 5) is very busy, especially if she has two or more. But once my kids were both in school, I wasn't busy at all. I had lots of free time for that one year! Once I went back to school myself, though, that free time evaporated. If I were working at a job, it would be the same thing (or perhaps worse). It's not like a mother's personal responsibilities diminish if she goes back to work. Although if I were working, I could at least afford to purchase housework from a service.

MsMary

Veteran

Coming back to change my answer! LOL Since I wrote that very sanguine post, the stuff has hit the fan in a very big way with my elderly parents and I have had barely a moment to breathe for the past week, with no end in sight for quite some time!

I think I must have jinxed myself...

Aziraphale

Veteran

OH NO MsMary! I'm so sorry to hear that. That seems to be the theme with so many of us these days. ;-( I hope it gets sorted out soon.

Anonymous

I'd say that one of the first things that changes as you get older is the presumption that you'll be around for the magic time when "things get better".
Know yourself, take responsibility for your own needs, and make it happen.

MsMary

Veteran

Yes, Isabel! I was just telling my son the other day that one of the biggest and best lessons I learned when he was very small is "There is no normal." As in, it's no use to look forward to things getting back to normal, because it will never happen! LOL

Runcarla

Veteran

Life is a buffet, and how much food you put on your plate is up to you.

That said, I'm dropping stuff on the floor!

Ledonna N.

Veteran

My time is my own unless I am on call for work which is 2 weeks out of every 6. 40 turning 41 in 9 days, no kids by choice and upper middle class woman of color. In my late 19-29 in the army no socilal live to speak of. 30-40 IT professional, work, home, church. Now @ 40/41 I enjoy the time off that I do have and fill it with activities. dancing, social clubs, house music, social justice issues travel. Life is what you make of it don't let it happen to you. Make life happen whatever you consider your zen.

Anonymous

My mom used to say, "If you want something done, do it yourself." There's also the adage, "If you want something done, ask a busy person." I think some people thrive on having a lot on their plates. Others, like me, do not. I don't sit around and do nothing all day, but I don't like my day jam-packed with activities and things to do. I have to have some down time. So consider your personality and what works best for you!