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How long do you give a new hairstylist to "get" you and your hair?

SarahD8

Veteran

Sometime in the fall of 2013 I had a haircut that did not turn out the way I'd hoped. I went back to the stylist to fix it, he said, "Oh I see just what went wrong, leave it to me," and then did the opposite of what I wanted. So I thought screw it, I don't need to drive 40 minutes and pay a bridge toll for this, and never went back.

Fast forward more than six years (yes, truly) and I still hate my haircut. I have been all over town. I have gotten recommendations from friends. I have gone to random salons. You name it. Some stylists I have only gone to once. Some I have gone to two or three times. I've made my next appointment promptly after three months. I've gone a year and a half between cuts. But whatever I do, I can't seem to get a cut I am happy with.

(I know my HAIR can do what I want it to, because the cut I'm asking for is literally how I wore it for over 15 years.)

(I know it probably seems ridiculous to wear your hair the same way for so long, but you know, the cut suited my hair, it suited my style, and it suited my lifestyle, so let's call it a "signature" look, shall we?)

Most recently, I had my hair cut by a new stylist in May and it was medium-decent. I went back to her in December and it's a disaster.

So...what do I do next? Go back to her for my next cut and keep trying to get closer to what I want? Go elsewhere? (How do I figure out where?) It seems silly to keep paying salon prices and then have to put my hair in a ponytail every day. Do I throw in the towel and stop trying to have a "hairstyle" and just go somewhere cheap and ask them to cut it all the same length straight across the back? Feeling demoralized and looking for help strategizing here...

General

28 replies

Latest reply was from StyleDetective

Molly Mac

Veteran

Finding a good stylist is difficult. I just had my hair cut today by a stylist I have been seeing for six months. I asked her to just shape it up (you can see in my picture it is pretty short to begin with) and I came out with an almost short enough to be a pixie cut. Ugh! I don't hate the style BUT it is not what I asked for. I even had a picture to remind her. She has mentioned several times that she thinks grey hair only looks good short so I think she is giving me what she thinks looks good, not what I am asking for. I think you should keep looking if you are not getting what you want. Does someone you know have a style similar to the one you want? Also, has your hair changed in texture or thickness making the style more difficult to achieve? I would also ask for a precut consult to make sure you and the stylist are on the same page before they begin cutting. Good luck, I know how frustrating this can be.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Hair is such a signature feature of our style and it is soooo frustrating when you feel you can't get it the way you want. No wonder you are upset.

A few questions to follow up on Molly's excellent query re textural changes:

What *is* this style you wish to achieve? Do you have photos of the way it looked when you were happy with it? Do you have photos of similar styles?

Some stylists love to work with visual images. Some feel restricted by them and constrained. So even if you do have pictures, you might not get what you want. Still, on the whole it can be helpful.

Meanwhile, you're a wordsmith. I wonder if you can try to articulate not so much what you want (or think you want) as far as the style is concerned, but perhaps what you loved about that former style. What worked so well for you? What are you aiming for in a hairstyle? It may be that you can get that quality without replicating (exactly) the hairstyle you had before...or it may be that once the stylist understands your needs, he or she will understand the way you want it to look as well.

Am I understanding correctly that you go to the stylist about twice a year? As a person with short hair I obviously go a lot more often than that! I wouldn't expect someone with longer hair to go as often as I do. But I am wondering if -- while you are breaking a stylist in -- it might make sense to go a bit more often? That way they get to know you better and remember you.

I've been lucky overall with stylists. I found my Vancouver stylist just by googling "best stylists for short hair" and bingo. I love her. That doesn't mean I'm always 100% thrilled with what she does. It's a process -- some cuts work out better than others, but that's to be expected. Some of it has to do with humidity and hormone levels, whether you're wearing hats, what mood you are in the day you go! Mostly I'm 125% happy and occasionally I'm about 80% happy when I leave (and the weeks thereafter).

My former stylist (in a small city) was harder to find -- it took me about 3 years of shopping around. Once I found her, I kept her until I grew my hair out for a while. She couldn't really visualize me with longer hair and so kept struggling with the cuts. I went to another person for a year or two and then switched back to her when I cut it short again.

rachylou

Veteran

I wonder if it would be possible to find local stylists on Instagram, to check out their repertoire first.

Also: I decided awhile back to take pics of past haircuts to new stylists instead of pics of what I like... so they can see what it can do and see what they think.

SarahD8

Veteran

Thanks for the commisseration, Molly Mac, Suz, and rachylou.

Ugh, Molly Mac, that is so annoying about your hair stylist and her attitude about gray hair. (Personally, I plan to have looooooong gray hair at some point in my life and anyone who doesn't like it can be quiet.) Re: texture, it has always been very thick, very fine, and somewhat irregularly wavy but easily blow-dries straight. It seems unlikely that there would be some kind of texture change that I haven't otherwise noticed that occurred at *exactly* the same time as I got that first bad haircut.

Suz, yes, I do have a couple of good pictures of my former hairstyle. I've taken them to past stylists but I don't think I've showed them to the current stylist. I'm a little leery of that because I think the best one might lead her astray in exactly the direction the latest cut has gone (basically, it shows my hair swinging forward and swinging/pulling the hair forward during the cut is absolutely the worst thing for achieving what I'm after). I've also drawn diagrams, and taken pictures and then drawn lines over them to show the difference between an existing cut and what I wanted. But again, I don't think I've showed any of those to my current stylist.

Re: timing, my hair is long, and ideally I'd get it cut every 12 weeks. Realistically, in the best case scenario, it's every 16 or so (I'm just bad at prioritizing getting to the salon even when I'm happy with my stylist). And at this point the dread is such A Thing (six years! My unhappy haircut is reading Owl at Home independently at this point!) that I tend to procrastinate further... Plus, I tend to want to grow out The Badness so it can all be cut off, I don't like the idea of going into a cut knowing that I'll still have to keep putting it up. Hope springs eternal! But you're right, maybe going more often for a while would help a stylist remember what I'm after.

rachylou that's a good idea about looking at Instagram. I do have some fear that my cut is so simple and so non-trendy that no one would ever highlight it on Instagram. Really it is a child's cut. But on hair that is much thicker than a typical child's. Who specializes in that, lol?

DonnaF

Veteran

I had the same guy cut my hair for over 30 years. Okay, so I am old. But then he called me last June and said he was canceling all his appointments for the indefinite future because his wife’s cancer had metastasized and she had only months to live. Who can argue with those priorities? Also, he was expensive, had started to take me for granted, and my cuts hadn’t been great for a year or two.

Called an Asian friend for her stylist’s name and number. First cut was pretty good, at least initially. Second and third not as good, but I am pretty happy with the fourth cut. My hair grows fast so I need to cut it every five weeks or six at most. This new gal costs about 40% of old guy so I can get a trim every four weeks if I want. The (lack of) expense and convenient location and ample parking has definitely kept me more patient than if I were paying into three figure$.

Also, my hair has changed over the last few years. I haven’t experienced the change in the texture a lot of women do. No, it’s the cowlicks!!! They have become more pronounced and interfere with my hairstyle. What worked in the past no longer does.

Classically Casual

Veteran

I’ve personally experienced a fair amount of churn in stylists lately. You’ve already received excellent advice. I would add that in the beginning you need to visit them fairly often so they better remember you and your preferences. I’ll soon have the third haircut from a new to me stylist. The first cut was great. She really listened. During the second cut I mentioned something she’d said about a conditioner during the first visit, and she clearly didn’t remember. I have short hair and I’m intentionally going every 6 weeks for awhile.

The interpersonal part matters to me too. One visit was enough to a prior stylist who worked alone and whose observations made me uncomfortable.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

This is a very good question. Before I stopped dyeing my hair, I had long, unstyled hair and went to the same sort of humdrum stylist for years. When I wanted to go short she dissuaded me. So, like a weird stalker I would peak in to stylists shops (there are several on every shopping block) looking at the clientele and the stylists themselves until I spotted someone I thought would get me. I made an appointment and nervously asked what she would suggest. She asked if I would consider going short. Hallelujah! I have been with her for about 8 years, and even though she was a bit surprised when I decided to go grey she is now a big fan of that too.
Umm, not sure if that actually helps. Short answer - I expect immediate magic but am willing to stalk for it.

nemosmom

Veteran

Twice. Twice is my limit. My cut is the ONE thing I am crazy-picky about, and when it’s bad, it’s all kinds of bad.

I have been through 7 different stylists since we moved here two years ago. I FINALLY found one last summer who can cut it well. Keep looking - yours is out there.

slim cat

Veteran

Pixie cut - took a while to find a hairdresser in SoCa who does it right ( everyone got long/wavy/gorgeous hair ). Two months is often too long for me - I'm usually trimming a tiny bit front part myself. I like to add color to my hair - did semi-permanent in blue, purple and doing lowlights now. It seems that the short haircut needs every 6-8 weeks some kind of maintenance.

Gigi

Veteran

It is so frustrating when we know a particular hairstyle is achievable because we've worn it, but we can't find a stylist to replicate it! Argh!

I agree that going more frequently will be helpful, at least in the beginning. Once a haircut has grown out a ways, it's hard for the stylist to know what was there before it grew out, so even if you are explaining what you want that is different from what you had at the last cut, it might not be super helpful without much left from that cut (confusing but I hope it makes sense).

Most of the stylists I have been to like pictures, because it gives them a visual. One person's "heavy" bangs are another person's "average" bangs. What I often do is pull a handful of pictures off the internet that are similar to what I want, and then I tell the stylist exactly what I like about each pic: I like the piecey texture of this cut; I like the shape of this cut, with the back higher than the front; etc. I have also printed out pictures of similar styles that I DON'T want and have explained why I dislike them. (I did this recently because I was getting bangs cut, and I wanted to be sure that my bangs did not end up looking a particular way!)

Preppy Pear

Veteran

I’m so sorry you’ve been disappointed so many times! I do think that a disaster or a stylist not listening at all is a definite never go back again, even if it means finding yet another stylist. A stylist who is listening even if things don’t turn out perfect might be worth a repeat visit, though. Especially if they remember you and your hair.

I know for myself, I haven’t always used the right words that hairstylists use to describe what I want and it might be helpful to learn more of their vocabulary, if you haven’t already (I’m thinking you probably have, though). I’ve definitely misused words like “wispy” or “choppy” or “piecey.”

taylor

Veteran

So sorry you are struggling here. You have gotten some great advice thus far.

I noticed you stated you had your hair cut in MAY and then had it recently cut again in DECEMBER.. that is a full 7 months and likely 4 inches of growth. Considering hair completely loses it shape/style in 3-6 weeks depending on a few factors..your stylist is starting from scratch each time.

Bringing pictures helps tremendously and may I suggest not being shy when your stylist is working to go ahead and say “. I like my fringe long” or not too short in the back”. Etc. It will take time for your stylist to get your vibe, as others have suggested more frequent trips will help your stylist maintain your style, and build a relationship. You don’t need to spend at the high end for a cut, someone close and moderately priced is going to serve you well.

You aren’t high maintenance, just looking for a decent haircut, that’s not too much to ask :).

Gretchen

Veteran

I agree w the recommendation to go in more frequently while establishing a relationship.

I also think you might have a conversation not just about what you want / like with the pictures, but also share what level of effort you want to put in on daily maintenance or frequency of salon visits. (Eg I had a suggestion one time, and my stylist pointed out that it would require daily blowouts and curling, which wouldn’t work w 2 young kids).

And, if you aren’t happy, I’d suggest going back in within 2 weeks to share what is/isn’t working and ask for guidance. Again, is it a length/shape issue, or a styling problem?

Anonymous

Lots of good advice here! You said you were happy with your hair before 2013. Did your hair texture change back then maybe? Color, hormonal changes that may have affected it? A move and different water quality? I ask that cause my water is hard and my hair is much more difficult now

Anne

Comment deleted!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

All of this is making me even more appreciative of my stylist, who I have been going to for 16 years! He won't allow me to be stagnant but he never pushes me into something I don't want.

I agree with the suggestions to go a bit more often to cultivate more of a relationship with the stylist. For me, two "unhappy" cuts in a row would be cause for reevaluation and three would be a deal-breaker. But a stylist sees a lot of clients, and it's hard to develop much of a rapport when you only see someone 1-2 times a year.

I also think photos are really helpful. Most stylists are visual people, and as mentioned above, words can mean different things to different people. But don't be afraid to take some time talking, even if it means you schedule a consult before committing to haircut time. Sit down with photos and ideas, and be willing to listen to the stylist's recommendations and their reasons for them.

I got lucky by simply trying a new salon and stumbling upon a talented, ambitious young stylist who is good at reading his clients' personal style and helping them figure out what works for them. But I know a lot of people have had success in finding a great stylist by asking friends (and strangers!) who have great hair to share their stylist's name. I know I've given out my stylist's info to quite a few people over the years.

One more thought: My sister owned a hair salon for many years, and she had a lot of clients who were super stubborn about what they wanted, which was the same thing they wanted 20 years earlier, which may or may not have been truly advisable for their hair and their look at a different point in time. A good stylist will listen to what you want, and will give you alternate ideas if they believe you may best be served by something different. But they want YOU to be happy. So no stylist will willingly give you something you hate. Communication is key.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Another point -- once you've established a good relationship with a stylist, she or he will almost *always* encourage you to come back for a free correction a week or so after the appointment if the style doesn't seem to be working as you had hoped. Many will do free bang trims or back trims for short hair -- mine does (assuming space in the salon). I almost never use this service but it's nice to know it is available.

Stylists want you to be happy. They don't want you to be miserable. Their relationships with their clients is one reason they choose the profession! But they only way you can get happy with each other is to get to know each other better. Meaning more visits per year.

Do you have a friend who truly gets you and whose personality is similar who absolutely loves her stylist and feels the stylist listens? Maybe that's the friend to follow to a salon. Maybe it's even possible to ask to watch a few stylists at work -- a sort of more formal version of Shevia's stalking.

Anonymous

I've seen the same stylist for 20 years now, but I still have to occasionally say " I need to talk about my hair for a minute before we get going " - which is her cue to put down the scissors and actually focus on a hair discussion ...while making eye contact, lol. We are best friends too, so it makes it hard not to just fall into a pattern of chatting away while she cuts my hair. There are times when she is absolutely meticulous with cutting each single hair , and there are times when it seems not as precise as it could have been. The average is better than average, if you know what I mean, and I'm ok with that. I have seen other stylists maybe a few times over the years (grass is always greener etc) but it's always a reminder that unless you really get to know your stylist and see him/her often enough to establish the relationship you need, flitting around from stylist to stylist isn't a great solution . I have really short hair though, so I realize my words aren't relevant to your experience as I cut my hair every 4 weeks.....which begs the question of why I'm taking up space here

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

SarahD8, that's sooo annoying

I can refer you to my own stylist who has been doing my hair for 16 years. PM if you would like details. She REALLY listens, and will absolutely correct for free if necessary. I am VERY fussy, so there you go.

I echo the others that going more frequently is key.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

How frustrating! Simple can be so hard. Have you told them that what you want is a child’s cut, done impeccably?

MM, I can sympathize re the grey hair. “My” hair dresser, who had cut my hair since 8th grade (but I’m not in town very often) was great when the grey started coming in—she really uses it like natural highlights. I told that to a young stylist in Tampa, and she actually laughed out loud. I should’ve gotten out of the chair then because, sure enough, she gave me a horrible cut, one that made me look like the stereotype of “old & tired”.

Lesley

Veteran

Another chime-in about frequency. In my 20s I had a stylist who gave me such a good cut that it looked good for months--I probably had a cut only 2 to 3 times a year.

There was a while that I loved my current stylist (this is 20 years later, now) but I still wondered what was wrong with my hair, that it didn't look good after 2 months? Until I was hit by the lightning bolt that at this stage of my life, for whatever reason (hair texture changes, style changes, current length, lifestyle) I now need a cut about every 8 weeks. Once I came to terms with it and scheduled accordingly I pretty much always love my cut.

notsaf

Veteran

I have found some very good stylists over the year via Yelp. In the UK, I'm a fan of Toni & Guy. (Wish there were a similar chain in the US.) I give up after one bad cut, but after a good cut am extremely loyal!

notsaf

Veteran

Also someone whose texture has changed in the last 5 years with greying and ageing. C'est la vie! More frequent cuts do help.

Adela

I hear you. I moved several times during my life and every time I had to find a new stylist. You probaby already tried all my methods but I will still write what worked for me. When moving to a new place, I asked for recommendations, lots of them. Once I even asked a complete stranger who her stylist is, of course I complimented on her hair first. Then I would make an appointment but not for cutting, only for blow drying, which was really helpful as I could already eliminate some options. Also for me, it is really important that I like my hair stylist as a person too! When I made an appointment for cutting and dying, I always prepared in advance: I took photographes or magazines with me, I described exacly what I wanted, and always asked for their opinion. Almost always was one visit enough to decide if I want to continue going to that stylist or not. If I had to find a new stylist today I would do the same, plus trying to find recommendations via FB or some other medium. Good luck!

SarahD8

Veteran

Thank you all for you wise and compassionate comments here. I'm so sorry to have posted and run, my workday got away from me and I started a response earlier but then lost it due to my own clumisness, grr.

You have all given me a lot to think about. To address a couple of the themes that have emerged:

Re. texture -- I am racking my brain but I truly don't think a change in texture is the problem. Same house and water system, same shampoo and conditioner throughout, hair has never been colored or permed, and there is no obvious change in my hair so it's a bit hard for me to imagine how some change that was otherwise imperceptible to me would so drastically affect how it could be cut. In fact my hair is behaving exactly as I would expect it to given my understanding of its texture/nature and the way it has been cut.

Re. timing -- yes, I hear what a lot of you are saying about the importance of going to the salon more often. I don't think the long time I've gone between cuts accounts for why I don't like the cuts (actually I am most happy with my hair after it has grown out for 4-5 months -- which of course also feeds my tendency to delay). But I can see the logic of frequent visits while building a relationship with a new stylist. I am resolving to go promptly for my next cut.

It's interesting that the field seems to be evenly split between "one chance and one chance only" and "build a relationship". The person I've gone to for my last couple of cuts is the hairstylist of a good friend of mine (as Suz recommends), and I do think she listens pretty well -- actually I think she even knows what I want even if we are having trouble achieving it. So I'm inclined to give her at least another chance. So next time I'll go in there with my pictures (I also took some pictures a couple days after the cut that show pretty clearly the effect I was trying to avoid) and sit down and look her in the eye as lisap suggests and ask to talk about it. But, Angie, I'm so touched by your kind offer to share your stylist's name! Let me mull that over, and I might pm you if I do decide to move on.

I'm feeling much better after the discussion here so I thank you all very much! I'm sorry to hear that so many have had similar struggles but comforted that I'm not the only one.

I've also had a minor breakthrough in styling my hair in an updo today so even though I would like to be able to wear it down at least now I'm happier with the effect I can achieve when it's up!

Joy

Veteran

You may want to keep wearing it up through the summer, at least. Growing it out may give you a fresh start.
After moving, I found a stylist I like in this town on Yelp. He is Asian and does mostly what I ask (like not using any shampoo). I find that most hair stylists follow the lines of your last cut, so be sure to tell them that you did not like that cut. Could you find different pictures of what you want on celebrities or in hair magazines?

cindysmith

Veteran

If a new stylist doesn't GET me on my first visit, I ain't going back. Jade? Got me on my first visit and she has been a blessing in my life, and I don't just mean for hair.

StyleDetective

Firstly, if you are paying salon prices, you deserve a quality cut. If you had two cuts from a stylist and you weren't really happy with either of them, I think that's an appropriate time to move on.

I second rachylou's suggestion to stalk instagram for good hairdressers. You can also use it to look for good pictures of what you are after to take into your stylist. For example, I use the hashtags #curlybob and #curlybangs to look for inspiration pics to show my hairdresser.

Also, I think some hairdressers will do a consultation only, no cut. You might have to pay, but it could be a good way to work out whether someone is really listening to what you want without the possibility of a horrible haircut looming over you. I feel like you've had so many bad haircuts it might be nice for you to chat to someone without the pressure of committing to a cut.