How do you feel about phone calls? - YouLookFab Forum

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How do you feel about phone calls?

Peri

Veteran

I read somewhere a few years ago about generational perceptions of phone calls and that Millennials and Zs now consider social phone calls to be rude.

Well, I'm 64 and I couldn't agree more! There is never a time someone calling out of the blue just to chat is not interrupting something I was already doing or need to start doing. I don't even like talking on the phone to begin with but I can do it if someone asks (preferably by text!) if it's a good time. But for someone to just assume I have time to chit-chat when they want me to? I'm with the younger gens...Rude!

How do you feel about this? I'm curious if the answers will really reflect any generational difference.

(And why am I asking? Yes, I have a friend who does this all the time and can't seem to get the message that I don't like it!)

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45 replies

Latest reply was from Jules

judy

Veteran

I've always had several friends and family members who live far away from me. The time we spend on the phone is quite precious... Facetime's too on occasion, but always speaker phone and hands free. Settle in with a nice cup of tea or a cool drink and let's go. Or talk and walk. It can help to arrange ahead of time, but a spontaneous call can be fun. If I am otherwise preoccupied, I just don't pick up. Nothing rude about it to me. I don't mind telling people I can't talk now. I can spend a good hour on the phone. It's just like having them over or going out together when that isn't possible. We have really interesting conversations. If your friend keeps doing it, just stop picking up and call her back when it's convenient. OR better yet, if you really want to not be disturbed, turn off your ringer or put your phone out of sight...I'm assuming you have a cellphone, that's all I've had for so long. You can set up your phone so some people can get through still...the one's who don't annoy you :).

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I used to loathe the phone. It was a bit of a family joke. I would not allow the stepkids to answer phones during the evening meal.

Then came a move, plus the pandemic. Now I adore the phone!

What am I comparing it to, though? ZOOM. ;/ (I really, really, really dislike Zoom, though I use it often for work.)

To clarify -- my friends don't just call me out of the blue. If they do, I know it is an emergency.

Those who do call for a spontaneous conversation in the middle of my day probably won't get an answer, because I set my ringer to silent, set up do not disturb boundaries at various times of day, and don't get auditory notifications. (That is so I can get work done).

That means most of my calls are by prearrangement at mutually convenient times. We "go for a walk" and talk. One friend's in New Brunswick, a couple in Ontario, several in Vancouver. Family in Vienna, Montreal, Toronto. It's a great way to get exercise and catch up in privacy.

Some of my family and friends like Facetime but I prefer to keep it auditory only. It feels more intimate.

Irina

Veteran

All my friends ask “can you talk?” right after hello when calling me. I do the same. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we arrange for more convenient time.
More than 10 years ago my son moved to another city for school and we decided to talk every evening to check on each other and to keep in touch. He still calls home every evening, mostly just for a few minutes. And he’s been living in the same city as us for the last 3 years

Peri

Veteran

judy, yes, I often just don't pick up. But unless it's prearranged, talking on the phone for an hour is not for me.

Suz...I definitely do better for the prearranged calls. This same friend and I do FaceTime lunch together a few times a month. It's the calls out of the blue that bother me, that feel a little disrespectful. Mostly because I would never assume anyone else should drop what they are doing at any time to suit me.

Peri

Veteran

Irina, that's great about your son!

Seems to be the theme so far is that calls are not rude when either prearranged or the caller respects your time by asking upfront if you have the time. I can be on board with those.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Right. Maybe you can ask your friend to ask if it is a good time or at least to understand if you tell her, this is not a good time?

judy

Veteran

I suppose it’s a case of boundaries, isn’t it?

A friend of mine, when we had land lines, think 20 plus years ago, would call and leave me these very long winded voicemails. It bothered me, I didn’t really want that. So I had to tell him something like “I’d prefer us talking in real time, please no more long messages”.

It’s hard to say theses things sometimes, isn’t it? Have you actually said to your friend, “I enjoy our conversations but I prefer prearranged calls and I find random ones a bit unsettling”… or something like that…?

Just supporting you to say what it is you need. We are all different and that’s not an unreasonable request to ask someone to honor. If I was spontaneously calling someone and they didn’t like it (like my millennial or gen z family members have shared) I would want to know. To your point about age difference on this issue, everyone I occasionally call in the moment is over 65, like me, now that I think about it.

SW Ann

Veteran

I don't answer if I don't have time to talk. Yes, I prefer a text to ask if it's a good time to talk, but I have an older friend who cannot text, and we both ask each other when we call "if it is a good time to talk".

I think speaking up with friends to let them know is the best thing to do.

JAileen

Veteran

We have a landline. That’s probably all you need to know about me. I had a not too close friend who used to call me when she was driving. It was very annoying. It felt like she thought her time was more valuable than mine.

Suntiger

Gen X chiming in. Phone calls are so rude! Especially when people call back straightaway if you don't answer.

My phone is permanently on DND, only immediate family have ringtones/ notifications. I do talk to my dad for a long time on the phone, cause he's unable to text. On my work cell phone, I tell people to text to schedule a phone appointment. Video calls are a hard no from me!

That said, I'm not a hermit* and happy to hang out with friends/family in person
*if it's nice weather*

Ginger

Veteran

I am a Millennial. I think it's rude to deem a phone call inherently rude. It seems to be an assumption about every person who uses a phone in a way that had been culturally acceptable, ordinary, and expected for nearly 100 years.

I'm glad that the "phones" we now have are so advanced that we're able to manage incoming calls as we please. Do Not Disturb hours, ringer on silent, voicemail, the ability to text - so many options, it's wonderful! Plus it's also culturally understandable if calls aren't picked up. And I love all the comments and suggestions about how people manage their own communications. SW Ann's suggestion about speaking up with friends is right on. Other people likely have no clue at all that their phone habits are irritating or are taken as rude. It's kind to let them know and give them the opportunity to be courteous back.

Irina

Veteran

JAileen, we have a landline, too!
I refused to give it up remembering a blackout of 2003 when cell phones went dead.

Peri

Veteran

Judy, SW Ann, Ginger...I have no problems setting boundaries. I have a problem when they are ignored! I've definitely told her many times that I don't like unplanned phone calls. She's not getting it. And she'll ignore texts for days. So we do have different expectations for sure.

JAileen...she does that too. She's bored on a long drive so I'm supposed to help her pass the time. It's not like she has anything to say really, just that I'm supposed to help her be less bored.

Seems like the feelings aren't as generational as the report I read said and that the opinions are like most things, just personal.

avicennia

Veteran

Gen X here. And I’m with SW Ann and Ginger. My friendships are precious to me, and many of my friends are in throes of intense careers and parenting. I’m honored if a friend calls out of the blue. If I can’t take the call, I text back asking to call them later. But when I initiate the call, I usually text first, or right off the bat ask if it’s a good time to chat.

Olive Green

Veteran

Even my best friend texts before calling, unless it is an emergency, as she knows I will always pick up for her.
We never arranged it, just started it to keep from interrupting anything. Neither of us take calls when with others, or does that sad thing of being together with loved ones and ignoring them for a screen.
People who are too busy to really be with you, are politely frozen out.

judy

Veteran

It's very interesting how phone habits have changed, isn't it? So many prearranged calls now, and assuming a spontaneous call is an emergency.

I agree, Suz, that phone calls feel more intimate than Facetime. And avicennia I also feel honored if a friend calls out of the blue.

Ginger's comment might encapsulate the problem I hear some of you have with random calls.:

I think it's rude to deem a phone call inherently rude. It seems to be an assumption about every person who uses a phone in a way that had been culturally acceptable, ordinary, and expected for nearly 100 years.

So is the problem the actual phone calls, or the assumptions being made about the person making the phone calls ? That their time is more valuable or they are just bored, or it's so annoying they call me from the car, etc, etc.

Star

Veteran

I always text first to my friend in SA to ask if she is free to chat. She told me though I can call any time I want to but I still ask if she can talk. There is a woman friend who lives in another town (an ex-school friend) of my DH who phones unannounced and talks for at least one hour, she clearly is bored and has free minutes. Usually we are watching a movie when she calls. So annoying. Now he does not answer her calls, says he does not have the energy to listen to her BS. IMO You must be quite self-absorbed to think someone is available any time when you want them to be. Your friend seem to fall in to this category, considering that you have explained the situation to her and she carries on. Only answer her calls if you want to and have the time, as my DH does.

rachylou

Veteran

That’s a firm NO. I despise phone calls. AND email. AND voicemails. Hilariously my old neighbor was trying to get a hold of me recently. But we’re both so anti talking that neither of us picks up on our cellphones. She doesn’t even make outgoing calls on hers - she only makes calls from a Kaiser health insurance phone, and as I have Kaiser, I especially don’t pick up those lolol

Eventually, I realised the only way we would talk is if she called my landline. I can screen calls on that ancient thing. Guess it’s a good thing I still have one. Hahaha!

cat2

Veteran

I like setting a time to talk.

RobinF

Veteran

I think some people are just phone-talkers and some aren't. I'm not and never have been, so texting is a great invention for me Most people will text me and if we have to talk about something we make sure it is a good time. I don't think of a call as being rude but just don't answer if I don't want to talk

My kids are different though. My oldest son and I talk every couple of weeks and I love those calls. He lives a few hours away so I don't see him in person a lot. My daughter lives even further and she will facetime me every few weeks and text in between. We like to show each other things, new projects or whatever, so that works for us. And my youngest lives in town so I see him in person 3 or 4 times a month. I like that too!

We also have a family text thread that is pretty active and keeps us up on each other.

My sister and I will talk too but always check first that we are available. If she just called me out of the blue I would think it was an emergency.

I'm a Boomer but so far at the tail end that I don't really consider myself one. No land line any more. Much prefer texts.

Kate

Veteran

Boomer here. I'm with Ginger.

Cell phones give me many ways to manage calls according to my schedule, and I use them. That said, when old friends call out of the blue, I love it. I have a couple of friends who live on the west coast who I speak with on the phone regularly and we can talk for an hour or more. We always set a time to do so. I do find find speaking on the phone much more intimate than Facetime, which my husband prefers. Thank goodness I don't have to use Zoom anymore.

JAileen & Irina, we also have a landline! I think about ditching it every so often, but something stays my hand every time.

Sal

Veteran

I feel similarly to Kate - I ignore the odd call or delay calling back, but in the most part I am excited to hear from my family and friends. If it's a bad time I text and get back to them later.

People call up a lot less than they used to - I miss it to be honest!

I use MS Teams for work but I like a phone call for chat as I often talk and tidy up at the same time.

Runcarla

Veteran

Boomer with a land line. I hate the telephone. Period. Associate the ring with ‘emergency’ or more often these days ‘telephone scam’.

Once a week there’s a one hour phone conversation with my mom, who doesn’t have a smart phone/device.

Of course, I was on the phone, I suspect 4+/8 hours a day, when I was in the world of work.

Jules

Veteran

Don't pick up her calls. If this feels difficult for you due to some internalized sense of obligation perhaps text her some hours later: "sorry I wasn't able to take your call. did you have something in particular to discuss?" which seems like it will likely be ignored - perfect.

As Gen X I have only one remaining friend who still has the habit of calling spontaneously for a long chat. But since I long ago lost the habit of answering the phone (landline is unplugged, cell phone ring usually turned down or off), she has learned that it's best to message me to plan a phone call at an agreed day/time which means I am forewarned and ready to talk.

kellygirl

Veteran

Gen X here. This is so interesting. I definitely will not be calling anyone who isn't immediate family any time in the near future! Fortunately, I rarely make or receive social phone calls. Work - that is another story but now I may have a better understanding of why some people never pick up without a text/email prompt - "Call me ASAP."

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Gen X here and I laugh recalling the days of epically long phone calls with my BFFs, pulling the receiver on its long cord down into the basement stairway from the kitchen to get some modicum of privacy.

Now I don’t particularly care to talk for long on the phone. I do like a text first to make sure it’s a good time to call or talk.

I want to give a perspective on people who call while they are driving. I do that! I HATE talking on the phone in front of anyone else, even my husband (I also don’t like it when people talk on the phone for an extended time while they are with me), so I like to get out of the house first. Sometimes I’ll even park up in the cul de sac outside our driveway and chat from there before I head out on the road if I really want to have my attention be undivided. Just a perspective from the driver-phone person! And I’m always in hands free mode, just to be clear.

Echo

Veteran

I agree about setting a time to call or talk.

But I've had friends lose friendships and a woman I know actually had a child lose daycare services because of texts. Both of them assumed a tone that wasn't actually intended in messages they received and flew off the handle about it. Those things could have easily been prevented had they simply picked up the phone.

I text quite a bit; it's a time-saver when we're all busy. But when you have something important to say, I think it is worthwhile doing so in person or at least over the phone. Social cues are so easy to miss in a text and people can easily get the wrong impression.

Sal

Veteran

This thread is thought provoking but it makes me feel sad. At the risk of offending people I want to offer a different perspective.

I do get it - when we are at home relaxing or busy with other tasks (or an actual person in the room) then phone calls can be distracting or inconvenient. And some people don't pick up the cues that it is not a good time or you prefer a different way of communicating.

But the result is fewer connections, and sometimes what are we prioritising instead of people who might either need us - and maybe one day we might need or want them?

It makes me miss the days when my phone rang regularly and I had people calling in for coffee or chat - despite a busy and messy house with preschoolers and a need to get my paid work done as well.

avicennia

Veteran

A number of us are with you @Sal.

I understand @Peri’s conundrum, which is different to what worries you and me.

Like you, I worry about the effect of social isolation on individual and societal well-being. My friends and I are entering the sandwich years, with careers at their peak, school-age kids and parents entering later life. We need each other, and now more than ever. So I’m not giving up on reaching out to people spontaneously. Because I get that people might be in the middle of a task, I often send a text saying “time for a call?” I usually hear back from them within the hour. When I receive a call from a friend during work hours or school day evenings, knowing that they know I have a hectic life and job, I know they really need me, and I’ll step of whatever meeting I’m in or stop whatever task I’m doing. They’ll be there for me when I call without texting ahead. Things happen, and sometimes bad things happen and people need support.

This is entirely different from the friend that doesn’t respect other people’s time (@Peri’s problem). But, I’ve also felt some sadness reading through this thread.

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