How can I be more Approachable? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

How can I be more Approachable?

T

Angie recently posted on FB: Approachability has less to do with how you dress in my mind. It’s all about your facial expression, body language and warmth.

And I agree 100%

However I have been told many times that I give off Ice-Queen vibes. I guess have a bitchy resting face (a la Victoria Beckham), a tough body language (abuse as a child by a relative has left some emotional scars), as a result people find me unapproachable and I have a hard time making friends. While I am trying to work on the above by actively smiling more in office (as and when I remember) & dressing more nicely, I am also wondering if any other forum members have dealt with such an issue, and would have any advice for me?

Thank you for your time!

Off Topic

17 replies

Latest reply was from catherine

anne

Veteran

So sorry to hear of the scars in your past. I haven't had to deal with anything like that, but do consciously work on making myself friendly and approachable. (In RL anyway, not sure that I acheive it on YLF)

Smiling more lot is a good start. When you are in conversations, try to be a good listener. Ask the other person questions about themselves. If they mention their weekend plans, remember what they said and ask them about it next time "how did that party go?" "did you make it home in time to get to [ kid's game/ movie/get to the shops etc]. It your colleagues are standing about chatting, join the group, smile and listen

If people you see regularly say anything about your "resting face expresssion" make a lighthearted comment about it, explaining that it just happen to look that way, and not to assume you are grumpy or angry or whatever.

minimalist

Veteran

I think that for some of us, it takes more time for others to see our approachable sides. And I'm not sure that's a bad thing. For me, lasting friendships are those that developed slowly. Do you want to make friends with work colleagues? Or just to get through the workday with a bit more pleasant conversation than you have now?

Anne's suggestion about being a good listener only got me so far; many people happily chattered on about themselves, then said that I was "secretive" or "mysterious" because I hadn't shared much about myself. (How? They'd been talking the whole time!)

I'm in physical pain pretty much constantly, and most of the time the best I'm able to do about my own "b!tchy" resting face is a blank mask. I also find humor in almost everything, so often enough I'm just finishing laughing. These expressions that others see are unfortunately NOT accurately indicative of how open I am to conversing with them. Any verbal interaction costs me much, much more than it does the other person, so I have to be kind of b!tchy to prevent my energy from getting completely sapped. Maybe I should be asking you for tips on being less approachable more of the time.

Are you in any clubs or activities outside work? Personally, I like getting to know people through shared interest/activity. When I'm doing something I'm enthusiastic about, I come across as very open and approachable.

anne

Veteran

Amy I am sorry to hear about your problems when listening wasn't enough. It sounds depressing. I guess I was assuming that if you listen and ask questions of people they will do the same back to you, or there will be a gap in the conversation where you can say something about yourself.

I also really feel for you about the physical pain. I cannot imagine how hard that must be.

Tanveer I didn't realise when I wrote above that you were in India. I am from Australia, and most of the forum members are from the US. I wonder if our Indian members can chime in with some suggestions

Isabel

Veteran

I am also so sorry to hear about your struggles. Of course you come accross as a bit defensive, you have had to defend yourself.

I have to say that I have so much respect for you for recognizing it and wanting to change.

Is there anywhere that you can take an improv or acting class ? That would be fab !!! At a community college, at the library....nothing big. Even reading out loud where you have to take on different characters.

Good luck !!!!

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Tanveer, you are so right that a simple smile can go such a long way to meeting new people and making friends. I think emotional scars from the past can be a real challenge. People often feel isolated and maybe even ashamed of childhood trauma. Maybe inside you feel sort of "on guard" thinking that people will ask questions about the past that are too uncomfortable to answer. Or maybe you are not afraid to answer but the response is one of shock. I think many people who have not dealt with abuse do not know how to respond when someone tells them about their own experience. They often seem to want to distance themselves from that kind of harsh reality.

I wonder if you've read many self-help books on topics of Self Esteem or Surviving Abuse? There are many books that go into the subject and give some great insight. I was surprised to learn way back that so many children are subjected to abuse. It opened my eyes to know that as many as 1 in 6 girls and 1 in 7 boys were victims of childhood abuse in one form or another (those were the numbers many years ago - it could be different now). Sometimes it just helps to know that you are not alone with this challenge, you know?

Maybe you could consider volunteer work that might enable you to meet other like minded people?

The fact that you are making such an effort shows that you are a strong person and this will likely help you find your path to new friends who share interests with you.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I know where you are coming from 100%. One thing that helped me is active listening. Believe it or not, I was really inspired by a book called "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." It's about drawing out the other person and responding to them in a way that mirrors what they feel. It helps people feel accepted and comfortable. It really works - I use it in the office all the time. And it's a quick, fast read. Maybe it will help.

Adelfa

Veteran

I've been working on this for a number of years and I think it's better than it used to be. I'm introverted and in childhood had the need to be extremely guarded and that habit stuck with me. My resting face can look judgmental when I'm not thinking judgmental thoughts at all. Also I'm very much "in my head" and am capable of passing someone in the hall without acknowledging them because I'm thinking of something else very intently. Those are some of the factors.

For me a lot of the fix involves being more present with people. Being consciously alert to the fact that there are people in the hall that I need to smile at and say hi to. Listening in a more engaged way (though I also sense sometimes that people are put off when I don't share at the same level they do). Also, using more social cliches like "How was your weekend?" or in an email, "I hope your week is off to a great start!" And yes, smiling. I don't have trouble once people get to know me, but my first impression is a work in progress.

Of course it's these things and more that mainly make for approachability. However I also think clothes matter. Back when I mostly wore black and dark gray separates, unaccessorized, it didn't help me seem approachable at all. Things I wear to enhance approachability include color, soft textures, relaxed stylings, and slightly whimsical prints or items of jewelry. I find it helps to be stylish but not in an extreme way, because then people will say "I love your shoes!" and that can be a little connection with a smile and a sincere thank you.

This whole thing isn't easy. There are a lot of reasons to work on it. The biggest one for me is that it's just too sad if people think I don't care when I do! So I have to show it! You definitely have my best wishes on this!

Diana

Veteran

I totally get this and do struggle with the same thing. For me, it has to do with the fact that I am naturally extremely introverted, shy, and self conscious, plus I am dreadfully bad at small talk. Although I don't think my resting face is bitchy exactly, I tend to look, I dunno, serious and perhaps a bit unhappy when I don't smile. I do know though that I have the kind of smile that completely transforms my face, so I do try to smile a lot when I say hello or good morning or what have you.

For me, clothes DO matter. I dress more loudly than my personality and it gets me noticed, which is mostly a good thing because I worry about blending into the background otherwise. And it invites other people to compliment your outfit or something, which can be an opening for a conversation or at least a smile and thank you (which at least makes me seem friendly?).

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Tanveer, the suggestions and comments on this thread are food for thought. Lots of wisdom.

I firmly believe that the shortest distance between two people is authentic laughter. I'm very attracted to naturally smiley people - and when they smile, I smile too. Authenticity is important. You can't fake it, and be something you are not. That never goes down well no matter how you slice and dice it. Perhaps there are activities that you can do regularly that will make you smile more often. I'm not sure.

The world is in desperate need of good listeners. Most people are bad listeners and rattle off about themselves without engaging in what YOU are saying, or asking about YOUR life. I agree 100% with Anne that this is an excellent trait to develop. It has it's limits of course, because you can only be engaged for so long, and reciprocal listening will reinforce your own behaviour.

Some people are fabulous once you've got to know them better, and that's a precious trait to have too. Those people are extremely authentic and save their moments for those who truly deserve their emotional responses. That to me is extra special.

Instantly likable people can became less likable pretty fast, whereas people who are less instantly likable end up being your favourite people. I'm not saying you aren't instantly likable at all, Tanveer. I am sure you are - and judging by how you interact here, I find you very likable.

Hope that makes sense.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Diana, we posted at the same time. You may be shy and introverted, but you're very smiley and warm. Having spent time with you in person, and one on one, I can vouch for that.

rachylou

Veteran

Interesting and good question. My first thought: I have a practiced resting face actually. That is, I actively inactively smile. Like when I sit at my computer and work alone, I paste on a dopey little smile. When people stop by, I look up with the dopey smile (which is often good for a laugh).

Why? Well, we smile when we feel good, but also we feel good when we smile. There've been studies. I will say that when you have had bad experiences, the feeling good - the smiling - can feel bad. It's the incongruence (is this a word?) with what you've known. You have to tough that out, quite frankly, until your body resets itself physiologically. This can take a really, really long time.

ETA: What is the importance of actively inactively feeling good? As through smiling. Human emotion is contagious. And humans operate on a very simple principle. We move toward people who are feeling good. We move away from people who are not feeling good. Not feeling bad is not the same as feeling good, btw, and a lot of the time we call not feeling bad, feeling good. But it really isn't the same.

Emily

Veteran

Hi Tanveer, you've gotten some really great suggestions. I would add that it is worth turning these strategies inward, also. Treat yourself with compassion, smile in the mirror, listen to your inner monologue once in a while, and laugh a bit too. I think the suggestions of joining a club/class/activity are great ones, it's easier to smile when you're doing something you like with people who share your interest.

Windchime

Veteran

Oh, Tanveer-- I think you're being too hard on yourself. You do NOT have a " bitchy" resting facial expression. As a matter of fact, whoever told you this was being unkind and unhelpful.

Even though I know there are accepted social niceties we can all develop, it should also really be okay for us to just be who we are, internal wounds and all.

I hope that you can feel comfortable trying out some of the great suggestions you've received here while at the same time being kind to and accepting of yourself.

Anonymous

I do struggle with this but I have concluded that it is okay to be myself. Some people are people magnets, some are not. I much rather be authentic in who I am, even if that person can come off as an ice queen sometimes, that pretending to be who I'm not. Good people will always give you a chance and that is the people you want in your life, right?

Traci

Veteran

I think others have given very well thought out advice. I just have a quick tidbit to add.

Eye contact. A friend once explained to me that eye contact is why guys flock to her and she's absolutely right! It works on everyone.

elpgal

Veteran

100% get where you are coming from. One thing that I have found useful is to hang out with exuberant tweens; it is contagious. Teenagers I find too intimidating.

catherine

Veteran

I have no answers for you but admire you so much for giving it a try. It's not easy being an introvert in a world where most people are quite talkative. Good luck and please share what works!