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Help me help my daughter

Nicole

Veteran

What the heck happens to girls that makes them stop listening to their mothers??

My beautiful daughter (she'll be 12 next month) is growing her hair out. She had it in a very short spiky cut (as short as Angies new cut). It's been a year since her last short cut. (but she has had trims regularly). Right now, the back of her hair is the base of her neck (lower than her nape, but not anywhere near her shoulders). She is also growing out her bangs. Her hair is VERY thick, and the ends are getting wavy. Her goal is unclear--she just says she wants to grow it to her shoulders.

For some reason she is insisting on parting her hair in the middle and she's fighting the thickness and wave--trying to force it down. But that just makes it sit flat on her head then wing out at the ends. I finally got her to start to wearing headbands while she grows it out. Personally, I think it looks best when she pulls all of her hair away from her face, but she's been placing the headband over her head, so the grown out bangs are in front of the headband. It kind of defeats the purpose of the headband.

She would get really upset with me every time I booked her haircut. I know she needs to keep it shaped, but she just wants to let it grow out. I'm starting to think she's right. I think the layers the hairdresser is cutting in, is making the process much more painful. It's too short to pull back into a ponytail. I tried talking her into trying two ponytails, but she is very opposed to anything I may suggest.

So...does anyone have any ideas?? She can't wear hats in school. I'm not just looking for hair ideas, but mother guidance as well. I suggested she let me take some pictures of her hair parted on the side and in the middle so she could see photos and decide which she liked better. I suggested she use some hair product and go with the wave her hair has taken on with the onset of puberty. It's like whatever suggestions come from me are going to be denied just because it's coming from me.

And before we start a debate about just letting kids be kids.... She is very unhappy with her appearance right now. She's having some skin issues from a previous medication, and she's on a 30 day cycle of antibiotic along with a topical cream. She wears glasses, and she has 2 pair of very funky current frames that she likes. Even my husband is asking me to do something about her hair!! I keep telling him that it's part of growing up, and he should be happy she's going thru her awkward stage now, because it's much more difficult to go thru it at 13/14. Also, she is very tall (5'3", and from the neck down she looks more like a 15 year old than an almost 12 year old).

HELP!!!

General

36 replies

Latest reply was from Inge

Ana

(website)

Veteran

Wow, that's tough. I can't really make suggestions from a mom viewpoint (for obvious reasons), but I can still remember the battles with my mom over my hair. In my case though, my mom wanted me to keep my hair very long, when I wanted it to be shorter (shoulder length). And I wanted bangs, which my mom didn't like (she thought my hair looked best pulled back away from my face). One day I got into an argument with her about something unrelated, and went into my room and chopped my hair off myself. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except to say I can commiserate with your situation, and I think it is totally normal, if that gives you any comfort. I was similarly unhappy with the way I looked at that age--I thought I was so ugly. I can't think of a reason why exactly, and I'm not sure there was anything my mom could have done since I was in that phase where I thought my parents couldn't possibly understand me or what I was going through.

Along those lines--is there someone (a female) who is older that you trust (a cousin, friend of the family, etc.) that your daughter likes or looks up to or thinks is cool? Someone maybe in their 20s or so or that she doesn't equate with "Mom?" If so, maybe you could explain the situation and ask this person to talk to your daughter or maybe even take her shopping for clothes or hair accessories. In that way, you could play a role in your daughter's appearance, but maybe a more indirect role, so it doesn't seem to her that you're horning in on or trying to control her style (if that's how she's feeling--it's hard to tell).

shiny

Veteran

(((((Nicole)))))

This is a tough time. You can take my advice for what it's worth .....(free!?!), but my philosophy has always been to 1) focus not on appearance but on who they are inside - even if their hair is all stringy and unkempt; I think this is always important, but even more so when they hit their teen years - and this particularly goes for your DH; teen girls are way more affected by what their fathers say than their mothers.... and 2) rely on other adults - or BEST - their friends - to tell them "hey your hair is stringy and unkempt."

I know you hate the idea that she will get teased and hurt by her peers, but lemme tell you.... it works and is very effective!

Kids get to be a certain age, and as you say, stop listening to their 'rents. But they WILL listen to their peers. So you need say nothing - if you can bite your tongue and just hold on - and surely a peer is going to tease your DD mercilessly, until she begs you for advice on how to improve her hair!!

(This happened with my youngest: she had an, ummm... odor problem ... around that age. But resisted any input and helpful suggestions from her parents. So we just dropped it and let her go around smelling skunky for awhile. It took one single snooty comment from a peer, and suddenly we had to DROP EVERYTHING so we could hit the drugstore to stock up on razors and deodorant. LOL. Problem solved. Permanently!).

Or, take her to a stylist or an adult she looks up to, and have them coach her. She may listen to them - even if she's dead-set on not listening to you right now. It sounds like the stylist you have now isn't helping, if she/he is putting in layers. Find a different one. Talk to the stylist in advance (out of earshot of your daughter). Then when you go to the appt, tell your daughter, "You're old enough now, it's your hair, and your decision about what you want to have done. So I'm going to go have a cup of coffee and leave you and your new stylist alone. See you later." Then get lost.

Meanwhile, know this: she is 100% normal and healthy. This is *exactly* what she's supposed to do right now, at this age (i.e., ignore you completely and resist any of your loving wise attempts to help her out).

One last tip from my mother: buy her a really expensive hairbrush for xmas. Or have your mom (or her aunt? or someone) buy it for her. I forget the brand - let me know if you're interested. During this awkward stage, my mom bought both girls what is supposed to be the "Cadillac" of hairbrushes - comes in its own velvet case and everything - the girls adore their special brushes. It's ridiculously expensive but it does make a big difference (especially because they will use it!).

Anonymous

Oh Nicole. This is tough. She has friends that she listens to and that is where she gets her advice. She is a beautiful girl and will come through this just fine.
Unlike Ana, my mom used to sit me down and chop my hair off. I had no choice. Just let her grow up. This is part of her growing independence.

Munequita

I think it is great that your daughter is trying something new with her hair. I was at that age when I started to get curious about styling my hair and doing my makeup. I am grateful that my mom gave me advice on what looked bad on me (of course I didn't listen either, so don't feel bad!) but she never pushed me or forced me to do anything she felt looked better. She let me find my own way, and trust me she will learn fast what doesn't look good on her. The only thing my mom was really strict on was not allowing me to wear lots of makeup and wearing too revealing clothes (thank goodness for that though!). So, I say just let dear daughter be! Help her by buying her new hair products and tools so that she can learn to take care of her hair, and have her read up on taking care of wavy hair because it sounds to me like she has no clue on how to deal with that. Am I right? If that is the case I recommend naturallycurly.com. It is a great place to learn how to deal with wavy and curly hair and they sell products there too.

Hugs to you and good luck! You sound like a very loving and caring mom! She'll be alright!!!

Kyle

Veteran

I'm not an expert on girls. My initial, gut reaction after reading your post was to think it would be best to drop the subject and see what happens. Easier said than done, I know.

My best suggestion is to tell her you love her and find her beautiful inside and out and will assist with any aspect of her appearance (hair, skin, clothes) if and when she wants you to, but until then you have decided to back off and give her room. Because you are right. Anything that comes from you now will very likely be rejected if it's not advice she has asked for. It's SO hard because we love them so much.

My son and I had battles about clothes at that age. I stopped offering my opinion, and now, four years later, he actually wants me to wait outside the dressing room to tell him what I think.

I certainly hope someone here says something that is of help and comfort.

Nicole

Veteran

Thank you ladies.

I have bought her books on caring for curly and wavy hair--books that specifically explain how to work with the curl instead of working against it. Books are Mia's manna, so I thought it would be the best route. (I've also gotten her books on money management for kids, how to ask your parents and doctors embarrassing questions, and how to be true to yourself and loyal to your friends at the same time--I'm big into self help books for pre teens).

I can't fault the hairdresser about the layers. She chose to have a very short layered cut and now that she's trying to grow them out along with the overall length of her hair, Maria is just trying to let them grow out gracefully. If Mia didn't fight the thickness and wave, and parted it on the side, the layers would work.

Ana, I do have a very close friend who has no daughters but is a total girly girl. Sometimes Mia relates really well to Shannon. When I'm not sure if Mia would like something--I always refer to Shannon and she usually nails it. Sometimes I think she knows Mia better than me because she's slightly removed from the relationship. I have asked her to talk to Mia about the headband thing. The right opportunity just has not presented itself yet.

I also want to explain that my husband and I are not harping on her look. We do tell her she looks great on a daily basis. When she does do something with her hair that looks good, we compliment her hair specifically. She is the one who is unhappy with her hair. She'll spend way too much time in the morning messing with it--then come downstairs all frustrated. I just tell her it looks fine, because I know that is not the time to make suggestions. But when she's a little more calm and not thinking about it--I casually mention how nice her hair looked when she had it pulled back in a headband--or offer to try to style it differently and take some pictures so she can see it more objectively. (She declines).

As far as her friends opinions...as far as I can tell---she does not seek out their advice or opinion. All of her friends have long hair and look exactly the same. She strives to be different in her appearance and would probably react the same to a friend's advice as to my advice.

So, those of you who have had short hair and grew it out--what did you do to keep it looking decent in the process?

Again, thank you everyone who posted for the helpful suggestions. It's reassuring to know that just about everyone goes thru this with their kids.

shiny

Veteran

That's so cool that she wants to be different than her peers!

My DD-nearly-16 bemoans the fact her hair is stick-straight and wishes it was wavy. Why is it we always want something different than what we've got?

She's tried curling it and leaving it in braids and it just doesn't hold a curl for long. She's contemplated a perm but we (incl the hairdresser and Jane, who is our Shannon) steered her away from that. Now she is in a new phase where she has accepted her hair is stick-straight, but wants it "different than everyone else's" - she wants it dyed a bright color (of course, there's no telling her that there are plenty of kids at her school with brightly dyed hair).

Right now she is painfully growing out the bangs she had cut last year for a "chic geek" look - a style everyone was sporting, but to her it seemed unique. The bang-growing does take forever. It's been a year since she had the bangs cut, and they've only grown down to the bottom of her nose. I'm constantly resisting the urge to tuck her fringe behind her ears, because it is hanging in her face.

DD14 meanwhile wanted long, straight hair just like all her friends. So she grew it out around age of 12 - very painfully - but it looks lovely now. But now she wants some angling around her face (still keeping it long) - because her friends all have that.

What about hats? Would Mia sport a funky newsboy cap? Or a bandana? Does the school allow hats and head coverings? (Ours does not).

Otherwise, all I can tell you is that it does take a long time to learn how to work with your own hair. I know I went around with really bad hair for decades. Working with a blow dryer was a skill that took me forever to learn. At 12 I definetly had no clue about how to style my own hair - and no skill at it either. It really is a skill that requires mastering. Heck, one of these days I'll scan some old photos and you'll see that this Bad Hair Day stage lasted well into my 30s!!

Oh - just remembered something that may help!!!

Way back when, I read some beauty article (maybe in Seventeen magazine?) that talked about how our faces are not symmetrical. Usually you have one side of your face that is more attractive than the other side. That is definetly true for me!

The article suggested parting your hair on the side that is less attractive. For some reason this is supposed to play up your best features. I don't remember the reasoning behind it (now that I think back on it, it seems parting on the more attractive side would be better - but I'm sure I am remembering this right). Anyway, that's when I started parting my hair on the right. Perhaps there is something online about this idea, that you could share with her?

Nicole

Veteran

Thanks Shiny. She does wear hats, but not allowed in school. We went thru a faze last year where she would wear a pink Red Sox hat every day. I bit my tongue for months. I can't tell you how many people asked me if that was my son in a pink hat. It was like...either your daughter looks like a boy, or your son wears pink hats?? People can be so ignorant. She also does wear a bandana dorag--but only on occassion. I don't particularly like this look on her and I do not encourage it. I like the idea of a newsboy hat though. Her birthday request is to go on a shopping spree--maybe I'll suggest she try one on while we're shopping.

Oh how I wish she'd part her hair on the side. Even as a little girl, she would insist on a center part. She's very subborn and obstinate. (I have no idea where she gets that from.) I honestly think that if she were to look at photos of herself with it parted on either side and in the center, she'd change her mind. Her BFF just donated 12" of her hair to locks for love. It's still past her shoulders! Anyway, she started wearing her hair parted on the side. I complimented her on it--told her it made her look more mature. I made sure my daughter was in earshot.

I wish I was more handy with hair too. Like you, it's taken me this long to learn how to best style my own hair. Whenever I've tried to help her style her hair--it came out worse than when she did it. I don't have thick hair..so I don't know how to style it. My attempts always leave her with a big pouffy helmet head. Poor kid. I always apologize to her for not being a girly girl mom who knows about hair and makeup.

Speaking of makeup--she's going to her first dance this week. She asked me if she could wear makeup. I told her absolutely not!! She said what about lip gloss? You let me wear lip gloss sometimes. I said, yes you can wear lipgloss, but that's it. She knew I was going to say no, but she figured she had nothing to lose by asking. God help me--this is going to be a roller coaster ride from hell!

shiny

Veteran

Yep, I'd be clueless if my kids had thick wavy or curly hair. (Heck I'm slowly panicking over the thought of my hair eventually going gray, because I know that will change the texture and present all-new challenges). Perhaps the site Muequita recommended would be helpful?

Regarding make-up, here's what we've done in our house. At age 12, if my kid was interested (DDnearly 16 was interested at age 12; DD14 wasn't interested until this past summer), I would buy them one of those make-up kits you can get at the drugstore around xmas time, with numerous eyeshadows, lipsticks, mascara, etc - everything but foundation. And a set of makeup brushes, makeup remover, q-tips, and those disposable make-up remover pads.

The rule was this: play around, experiment, have fun. But you are not allowed to wear make-up out of the house until you can pass the "mom" test. Which is: if I can tell you are wearing make-up, you have not passed.

The lesson was: make-up should be subtle and enhance your natural good looks. And achieving such a face takes LOTS of practice. LOTS and LOTS. It took DDnearly16 about two years of practicing at home, before she could successfully pass the mom test. DD14 is still practicing, but she is mostly content with lipgloss. Except for dances - in which case, one of her friends comes over and helps her apply her make-up.

I have allowed both of them to wear sheer lipglosses and lipglosses with a slight tint since the age of 12. Lips get dry, esp in the winter. It's actually better for your lips to wear gloss than chapstick.

Meanwhile, I have long had a strict "no foundation" rule because I think it exacerbates break-outs and kids that age really don't need it. But I admit I break this rule now and then for DD16, who has terrible acne, made worse by a med she is on. I allow her to wear foundation for dates, parties, and for her school picture ... or other rare and special occasions. I make sure she doesn't look like a pancake face, it is well-blended, etc, and that she takes off every last shred of make-up before going to bed.

I also have strict "no sharing makeup with friends" rule - for hygeine reasons. If their friends come over and want to make each other over, I ask them to bring their own make-up kits. I also check with their parents - if their parents don't allow their kids to wear any make-up (even in the house) then I honor those rules.

Turns out, my DDnearly16 is now more skilled with make-up than I ever was.

Nicole

Veteran

Shiny, I like your idea about letting them experiment with make up before allowing them to wear it outside in public. I had not considered that before. But it makes perfect sense. It also lets them get it out of their system in the safety of their own home. Young girls with too much makeup is a big issue to me. These young girls are giving off the wrong message to the world.

I will buy Mia a makeup kit for Christmas and let her play around with it at home. Thanks for the advice!!

tarzy

Veteran

Big hugs to you. You sound like a great mom! In my opinion, as long as your daughter knows you love her and care about her, she may not "listen" to what you say, but it will get through.

Okay - I'm much older than your daughter (51!) but I have very curly hair that tends to frizz, and it's taken a lifetime to figure out how to deal with it! I currently have it cut quite short and I love it. I've also had a short bob (just below the ears) which I also really like. it's even shorter than that now.

It's important to find a stylist who knows how to cut curly hair. I used to look for a stylist who had curly hair, but my current one doesn't - she's just very gifted with the scissors and very experienced.

With curly hair you really have to experiment with styling products And even then, what works one day may not work the next. I have bought many different products and thrown many away, but it's worth it when you find the right ones.

I have found for me what works is "Be Curly" from Aveda, or "Curl Conscious" from Bumble and Bumble (that's the one I'm using now.) They are both light creams. I put about a quarter size in my palm, rub my hands together, and then run it through my (wet) hair and scrunch my hair into curls.

Then, I spray on a liquid gel, which controls the frizz. Sometimes I can just use the first product, but I find if I add the second one it really controls my hair and defines the curls. There's a very expensive one from Frederick Fakkai that I love but it's expensive. It's called "Fekkai Coiff - Océanique / Tousled Wave Spray" You spray it on then work it through and scrunch, as before. You can even use it on dry hair to "refresh" the curl.

Aveda also has something called "Confixer" - it's a liquid gel, also slightly pricy, but it's also good.

I just found something from the drugstore that's less expensive and it works as well. It doesn't smell as great, but it's fine. It's "Sunsilk waves of envy - tousled, texturized beach waves." (Blue liquid.) I can also use it on dry hair to reactivate the curls on dry hair.

For me, the frizz serums don't really work. But they are worth trying. You never know what will work. John Freida makes a lot of serums for frizz control. (But you may still need to use something else first. They don't work alone for me.)

It's also important to use a good shampoo and conditioner for curly hair. Curly hair needs A LOT of moisture. And try not to wash hair every day - that can dry it out. You can either wear a cap and not get the hair wet, or you can get the hair wet and use a conditioner (no shampoo.) They say it's best not to wet the hair everyday but I find that hard to do, so I usually just use conditioner.

When I style my hair dry I find the liquid gel works nicely.

Once I've put the products in I have to leave my hair alone. If I touch it or play with it it gets all frizzy and poufy and the curls get disrupted. I have to style it and then not touch it.

As I said, it's a great deal of trial and error. There are several websites that give advice on styling curly hair, and that's a good way to find out about possible products. Then you just have to try a bunch and see what works.

Here's a picture of my hair on a bad hair day, but just to give you an idea of my curl/frizz.

http://i387.photobucket.com/al.....raHair.jpg

(if you need a password it's: 2008YLF)

I hope this helps a little bit.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Nicole, that’s a hard and frustrating situation for you AND Mia. I have no words of wisdom. But the ladies have given you fabulous tidbits to work with and I hope you find solutions.

On a side note, hair product for curly hair does wonders. Perhaps Mia can play around with a few of those? This may have been mentioned already and I missed it.

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

I'm a curly girl, and had bad hair, skin, and eyesight from the age of 11. I can definitely relate.
I just found a site recently...www.ouidad.com that not only offers great products for curly hair, but has how-to videos that I found most helpful. Maybe your daughter would like to check those out? I've also heard that it is important to find a stylist who is educated on how to cut curly hair.
You sound like such a great mom, Nicole.

judy

Veteran

I had boys, Nicole, but I can relate to how there is so much that they go through that is just downright awkward and you do what you can, but there are some things you can't fix it or make better! (and even when you can, will they let you?) Oh, the joys of puberty and hormones.

I too was a curly haired girl and in the late sixties we all wanted that straight hair and bangs, cut into a short "mod" hairdo. My sisters and I ironed our hair, but mostly we put stockings (pre-pantyhose) on our heads when our hair was wet!

The only thing I remember my mom saying to us was "someday you'll love the hair you have", and gosh, it was one of those "mom was right" things. Years later, I DID love my hair, mostly because other people (my peers, like Shiny said in her post) complimented it. My hair was finally "in"!

Now as I look back on it, I admire the way my mom stood by smiling and not criticizing (too much, but she did get a kick out of us) and yet allowed us all our attempts at hair and go go boots and mini skirts....all the while taking us to all our orthodontic and dermatologist appointments and the fabric store (we made some of our clothes) and the drug store to buy our dippity do. We probably looked ridiculous, all knock knees and braces and pimples, but we felt pretty "happening" :). She had so many daughters ( I know you have a big family too) that she had no choice but to be hands off and we had to get creative. And just think, we didn't even know we could get tattoos and pierce things other than our ears (like my kids did)!

The greatest mothering advice I got was to watch how other mothers with kids just older than mine did things. I had a sister in law who had four boys and her youngest was four years older then my oldest. She told me "pick your battles"...I watched her older kids go through things like the 80's blue hair, for example, when my little guys were in diapers. It gave me a bigger picture. Sometimes a peer just a bit older, is such a blessing, maybe to you and to Mia, just to put a context on all that's going on.

Antje

Veteran

Shiny, I love your advice about practicing with make-up at home. My daughter is still way little (turning 7 in a couple weeks) but I'll this strategy in mind.

Nicole, I don't have advice to offer since I don't have a teenager yet, but I just wanted to voice my support. It's hard to stand by and watch your kid dress or style in a way that you consider unflattering (gosh, I remember my mom saying things like "you could look so pretty" implying that I ruined it all by insisting on looking ugly. I hated hated hated it, and of course rebelled against it by resisting anything she considered "pretty" according to her standards. Now as a mom myself I have a very different perspective, of course, and at least understand where she was coming from even though I still think her way of handling it wasn't constructive. Anyhoo, I empathize with you as well as your daughter, and the mere fact that you worry about this makes you a great mom and I'm sure with all the good tips you get here on the forum you'll sort it all out. Your daughter is lucky to have you. (Oh, and be glad she asked you about wearing make-up for the event; I myself might have just snuck out and applied the make-up on the street So she trusts you and listens to your guidance, which is wonderful.)

Anonymous

Nicole, I also don't have any advice for you, other than to stick to it! You love your daughter and that will shine through! When I was that age, struggling with my body and self image, I would always know that my mom was looking out for me, regardless of how clueless I *thought* she was. It turns out she was always tactful.

A friend of mine had a pixie cut, and she has grown it out on top, keeping the side a bit shorter. She loves to play with it, and she goes in between spikes and mohawks to side-swept looks with headbands. Maybe your daughter can talk with a good stylist about how she can grow out her hair gracefully. It sounds like you are doing your best... good luck!

Nicole

Veteran

Thank you everyone! You all have given me very helpful, thoughtful and supportive advice. I know I have to be careful about what I say and how I say things to my daughter. Such a precarious time for her. I mentioned Shiny's make up theory to my husband last night. I wanted to prepare him for my buying our daughter make up. I was expecting to have to do some convincing. But he thought it was a fantastic idea too.

I'm going to just bite my tongue when it comes to her hair. If she asks me for advice I'll offer it, and I'll offer to buy her products and whatever...but I'm going to try really hard to just let her be herself and remind her how beautiful she is inside and out.

THanks again everyone!

Maya

Veteran

OK, I know this conversation is pretty much over, but oh the stories I could tell you.

I um, developed quite early on...early enough that I was basically still a kid, and just wanted to be like all the other kids. This was the source of immense misery for me. My mom was constantly trying to get me in a bra, but I couldn't stomach the idea. All the other girls were allowed to go braless, so I didn't think it was fair that due to some force I had no control over, I should somehow be different. It still makes me cringe to this day when I hear people use words like "blossoming." I felt more like I was wilting.

Then there came a time where I wore nothing but baggy, tentlike XXL tshirts with the name of my favorite bands emblazoned on the front. My mom tried her best to get me into something more fitted, but in keeping with the above, I liked how the ridiculously oversized tshirts would make my boobs disappear.

These days my mom insists on having me cut my hair short. I have had short hair most of my life and it never really looked good on me, though I'm starting to wonder if it was just the particular cut I had. I like it better long (as in shoulder length), but it takes a lot of maintenance. I find this ironic because she actually cried the first time I cut it short.

The moral of the story is that this is just one small part out of a series of things you want your daughter to do that she may never give in to :p

Taffy

Nicole,

you may already have these, but as a curly girl I can not say enough about the importance of a diffuser for your hair dryer (for curly days), and a flat iron (for straight days). I love my hair curly and I love my hair straight, but only when it is 100%. It's the in-between that is miserable. So maybe if she's not digging the curls for now, have her practice blowing it out and straightening it with the flat iron?
I've also used an enormous range of products like Tarzy mentioned. In my poor college days I would buy oil based pomades in the ethnic hair section at Walgreens...cheap yet effective. Just go easy, because a little goes a long way. My favorite right now is the curl cream by the hair guy on What not to wear. (which I of course cannot remember his name! Nick something. Google his salon, and they'll ship it to you.) Pretty comparable price to the rusk products that my salon carries, but actually made for CURLY hair. I think that's key. otherwise your using products that aren't meant for curls, but people have found work ok....but not as good as the real thing. I have heard great things about the bumble and bumble products that Tarzy mentioned, but have yet to try them.
I must also seconed Tarzy on the no touching rule. I didn't even own a hair brush for years. Just a pick. Once it's styled, leave it alone!
Good luck!

Nicole

Veteran

oh Thank you Maya and Taffy for your contributions. I missed them yesterday somehow.

Anyway, I came here to post an update. I picked up a cheap flat iron for her to try out. It worked very well, and it gave us a little mom and daughter time together. She was very happy with the results and it only took about 5 minutes to go thru her whole head. I did it for her the first two times, and she and her best friend did it together tonight before her (first) dance. I am so happy that she is loving the way she looks now.

When we were working on her hair the first time w/the iron I told her that I didn't want her to misunderstand my intention of buying her the iron. I told her that I see how beautiful she is, and I just want her to see herself as beautiful as I see her. I told her I realize how frustrated she is trying to grow her hair out and I just wanted to give her some tools to make it less frustrating. I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn't doing this for me.

I was very impressed with how the flat iron worked. It keeps her hair straight ALL day. Does anyone know if this is damaging to her hair? Should she not do it daily??

Maya

Veteran

Nicole,

Here are some tips I can think of that others can add to:

-I'd avoid the cheaper flat irons. Even the ones that profess to be ceramic are just ceramic coated. A more expensive iron will be ceramic all the way through, which is better for your hair. Tourmaline is also good for your hair. I have a Solia flat iron but I know a lot of people swear by Chi. They're pricier but worth it to avoid burning your hair. Folica.com gives reviews and is probably the best site I know of.

-There are also products that you can work through the hair to keep it protected. Redken Heat Glide is good.

-The key to keep it from ruining your hair is to keep it moving. Don't just let the hair sit between the plates for more than a second. Glide it down each section quickly.

-Make sure you use the lowest temperature that will smooth the hair. Don't just use the highest setting without trying the others first

Hope that helps and it sounds like you have things under control. You're an awesome mom.

Ana

(website)

Veteran

Flat irons can be pretty damaging if you use them everyday. You can buy hair products that are made to work with flat irons, that protects the hair from some damage (I'll see if I can find some specifically, but I know they are common, if you went to Ulta or asked at your salon, they could probably make a recommendation). The other key is to not hold it on one place for very long. You have to make fairly quick passes down the length of the hair. This might cause you to have to make a pass over the same piece of hair a couple of times, but it's better than doing it very slowly one time. It's like a curling iron--if you leave it to sizzle in place, your hair will be fried, especially if you do it everyday.

She may want to leave off on the straightener on weekends, or certain days, or else maybe alternate with a blow out, again using heat protection products. Oh, another idea is to straighten it, and use a shower cap and dry shampoo when the roots get kind of oily (Fekkai dry shampoo is great--kind of pricy, but it lasts freaking forever), so you only have to apply a lot of heat to it every few days. I actually did this when my hair was long, and it worked well (ah, the joys of long hair).

I'm glad Mia is feeling a little better now. Good pep talk Mom!

Nicole

Veteran

Thanks ladies. I will talk to her about using it less frequently and keeping the iron moving quickly. I should have supervised her tonight, but I wanted to give her some breathing room. I would definitely invest in a better quality one for her, since she really loves what it does to her hair. I must admit that it does look a lot better now. This may end up being a temporary thing while she's growing out her hair, but she may decide to keep straightening it. I'm sure once the novelty wears off, she'll get tired of doing it. I'll also look into some heat protective products.

Thanks for the advice. I knew absolutely nothing about the irons. I remember using a curling iron on my hair daily. Ugh.

Maya

Veteran

I think most high quality irons today are safe to use on your hair every day. A lot of my friends use them daily and their hair is fine. Does she wash her hair every day? If not, you might just want to get her shower cap and then she won't have to ruin her hair every time she takes a shower (though I know some people do need to wash every day).

Taffy

I second Maya on the shower cap. I only wash my hair every 4 days or so...and often only have to spot straighten on dyas 2-4.
Also, I forgot to mention yesterday....I always have a spray bottle of water in my bathroom to refresh my curls on days 2-4 of curliness, unless I need to start from scratch (at which point, I do not wash, just condition). And when my curls are wet, after applying products: grab 1 inch (or so) sections of hair and twist them. Twist until the entire length is twisted, then let be. They will dry into spiral curls.

Nicole

Veteran

She does wash daily. She could probably train her hair to be washed less frequently, but I doubt she'd want to do that. She'd have to go thru a period of greasy hair to get there. She's having enough issues with her hair.

The flat iron works well for her because her hair isn't really curly--it's just wavy, and mostly at the ends. We are able to get it very straight with short quick passes of the iron. I did tell her this morning that she can't do it constantly. She usually takes her shower at night, and then deals with her hair in the morning. So yesterday, we straightened it in the morning, then she decided to shower before the dance--so she straightened it a second time. That's what made me ask about it being damaging--twice in one day is too much.

Also she does not blow dry her hair. It makes it very pouffy. So she's not doing double damage with a dryer and an iron.

Anonymous

She is gorgeous. It is so hard to go through the preteen years. I feel for her deeply. Just try to be kind to her through these years even though you want to grab her and shake her up. She'll come back to being your sweetie pie!

Nicole

Veteran

Another update:

Here is a photo of her the night of her first dance, after she and her BFF straightened their hair with the new iron I got her.

http://s289.photobucket.com/al.....5751303143

Amanda

She looks good and most of all she looks happy!

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