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Help: Balancing 'Casual' Formalwear ?

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

(Building on my comment on Angie's post):

I struggle with formalwear out here, because the sorts of events I used to dress up for back home are inherently more casual out here - e.g. no one would bat an eyelid if I turned up to a wedding back home wearing statement earrings AND a statement necklace, along with a floor length skirt & sparkly clutch. But here? I had people show up in sports t-shirts to my own wedding - yes, complete with Adidas logo on the chest, lol!

So my current frustration is that, whilst my formal pieces still fit & feel like 'me', they may not be appropriate out here - even though weddings are the most common formal social event I have to get dressed for in the UK & HK (& PK!), I don't want to upstage the bridal party. At the same time though, I don't feel comfortable dressing down *that* much for special occasions. So I'm not sure what the solution is, but my current coping strategy is to mix my formalwear with workwear or simple tops from the rest of my closet - think maxi skirt with a stretchy long sleeved top. Not sure it works, though...

Any advice, general thoughts or commiserations on this would be greatly appreciated - since I'm sure many of you also struggle with this (whether it be dressing for your fantasy VS real life, or simply dealing with the post-pandemic casualisation of everything you thought you once knew! Or is that just me lol...?)

Dressing

28 replies

Latest reply was from Zaeobi

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Well weddings there sound pretty similar to weddings here in terms of casualness. But here I would say it runs the gamut from jeans to sparkly dresses. You have mentioned you might be moving back to the UK right . No advice - I wear what I want but most of my choices veer toward funky rather than formal.

DonnaF

Veteran

If there’s arctic air, wear a jeans jacket as your topper, even a white one?

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Do people object to you being extra dressed up? They might be more comfortable if what you’re wearing has a funky/creative/cool vibe. Jessikams does this really well, I think, even if these days she only gets to visit her dressy things in her closet. Take a look at some of her pre-pandemic posts. Or show us items & let us suggest outfits

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

@Jaime Yes I plan to move back eventually, but my Desi/ South Asian formalwear is mostly there already But I'm considering bringing some of my formal clothing left here back with me when I go visit the UK in June, since I need more casual wardrobe here in HK for now.

@Donna That's a good idea! Sadly I don't own a denim jacket because I find the stiff fabric & collar style doesn't work for me, but maybe if I found a collarless one or a bomber jacket instead? I can throw on a leather jacket in winter, but summer is hard...

@Stag People here don't tend to say such opinions outright due to the culture, so I can't know for sure - DH gets weird if I'm too dressed up, but I also don't know whether that's just because he wears cargo shorts & hiking pants everywhere (so I'm not matching his *personal* preferences) or whether it's actually a wider issue. But I do notice it when the only people other than myself wearing a long dress are the bride & bridesmaids (in typically blush pink chiffon numbers - you know the ones, lol). Just worried that I should be respectful not to upstage others, especially if I'm not particularly close to the bridal party...
Yes, @Jessikam's style is super cool! Not sure if I can pull off such 'off-duty glam' with my own body shape, but might need to do some sleuthing on where I can find similar silhouettes in my size out here...

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I noticed in the wedding in Vietnam that the formality differed hugely. Some outfits worn by the locals were more formal than mine as mother of the bride (where in my culture/upbringing you should be very formal in that role) down to sports stuff, track pants etc that looked totally wrong to me like they put no effort in at all.
And I had an odd experience with an ex-business partner who is of Cantonese background (though born in this country of immigrant parents): he dressed quite formally as a family doctor but when we had a leaving lunch for another business partner at a fancy restaurant he dressed right down in track pants! I was like huh? I thought maybe he doesn’t actually enjoy dressing smart but felt his role deserved it? And now it was the weekend so he could relax, despite the fancy restaurant?
In the end I think it’s mostly about my preference, that I enjoy dressing up and prefer to be overdressed than underdressed? Can you feel confident in what you prefer to do even in Hong Kong?

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Thx for the shout outs! A lot of my non-“vintage” dressy stuff comes from COS, if you have one near you. Many of their items are modifiable — panels that can zip or button open, lengths that tuck up or down— and that makes the clothing more fun and useful.

You’re in Hong Kong right? When we lived there 10 years ago I was often befuddled by professional events….as you say, everything from tracksuits to business suits.

Currently I’m aiming to FEEL more comfy in dressy wear, and that seems to make it less noticeable to others. Does that make sense? For example, when living in HK I attended a wedding banquet. I wore a silk dress and a pashmina shawl and although I liked both items, I felt like an idiot. The shawl kept slipping, I tripped over the dress hem on my way up for photos, it was a disaster. Now I know this about myself: shawls are too fussy! Beware of skirt length! If I am uncomfortable in my clothes then others notice them. If I am comfortable, my hope is that I just project “looking good” and that’s it.

Anonymous

To me, seperates feel less dressy than dresses, if that makes sense. So yes to mixing work pieces with the dressier ones. It makes me sad that occasions to dress up are so rare in general! Here the only things are charity balls that cost $100+ a person to attend, or the occasional wedding.
Yikes re: t shirt

RobinF

Veteran

I know what you mean, I don't like to feel "over-dressed" at a function. I agree with suntiger that separates seem less dressy than a dress. And I like your solution of adding in some office wear. Bling can dress things up also.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Zaoeobi, people in HK are generally dressy! You can wear a ball gown to the wet market, and no one would bat an eyelid. Lots of jewellery too

Anyway, to answer your question, I'm thinking colourful and sleeved maxi dresses with short dressy jackets for your formal wear capsule. Patterned or solid. Hair up. Fun jewellery, small bag, and comfy dressy low heels.

unfrumped

Veteran

I can’t say what’s the right environmental norm, but it does seem
Like your idea if mixing is on track. Intentional juxtaposition can also give that “ festive but funky vibe. Separates seem especially good ( but then I have poor luck with the fit of dresses) precisely because you can tweak the combination & have many options.
Dressy or “ nice” maxi skirt with a T, but not a sport or logo T. More casual pants- breezy in summer- with various tops. Also, use of color- happy colors in more casual fabrics or styles, good color combinations, can feel more special than neutrals but not too blingy. Interesting jewelry— stones, shells, artisanal metal work. Then can always have a few classic more blingy items and jewelry in your capsule — a simple sparkly top or jacket for instance-for times when you feel you can go all out.

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

@Jessikams
Ah yes, agree on the fussiness factor - double sided magnets have been a game changer for keeping silky scarves firmly attached to my body though, lol!
HK indeed has COS but unfortunately I find their clothes don't fit me well - maybe because we're shaped differently? I'm a short waisted petite pear - but maybe I'll take a look at them for some 'interesting' jewellery as @unfrumped put it (thanks for the suggestion - & for casual tops too!)

@suntiger @RobinF
Thanks for the confirmation re: separates! The only tricky thing is making sure that I pick tops that read as 'elevated casual' rather than 'I decided to swing by this party right after work', lol...

@Angie
Maybe it depends on the circles in which you usually socialise? I noticed that the expats were more dressed up at my own wedding, but the local Chinese folk were the ones in windbreakers/ jeans etc. Of course this might just be the inherently more casual fields in which I & DH work (& therefore the types of folk we attract) - I remember at my last office Xmas party, I saw everything from jeans to a fur bolero complete with feather boa lol! I imagine the financial/ banking sector etc dress differently for such events, & younger people different still? Plus 'dressy' is subjectively affected by our environmental norms - HK doesn't seem so dressy to me (outside of Central/ Hong Kong Island's business districts) compared to the UK, but it probably is compared to your PNW USA?

I have two cropped collarless jackets, in rusty red & orange. They're good when attending winter weddings, but I struggle in summer!

cat2

Veteran

I think separates are a great idea. My events range from East Coast formal to West Coast puffers. The same sequin tank works with a long skirt and with jeans.

rachylou

Veteran

I’m thinking materials and construction could make the difference—like a slouchy dress would make a long dress less gown like…

Jules

Veteran

I am curious if the various wedding/party track suits being referred to would be relatively pricey/trendy/name brand type stuff? Adidas? Or just generic sloppy don’t-care dressing? Not saying fancy track suits are more appropriate, just very curious!

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

@Cat2 I think sequinned anything would be OTT for the types of weddings here lol, but I could do a satin material perhaps?

@rachylou True - maybe I need a maxi dress made of sweatshirt or French Terry material? In other words, a dressing gown

@Jules From what I could see, these weren't 'streetwear' styles of clothing but looked pretty much like functional/ technical gear for hiking/ sports. I'm not too well-versed on designer streetwear brands though, so I could be wrong, but there wasn't really an effort to 'coordinate' it (e.g. not worn with branded basketball shoes for 'cohesion').

To be honest though, those were the type of people who turned up for the buffet then bounced, so I don't know whether it's just indicative of a different type of wedding guest or whether it's the norm? Though I have seen some such people at others' wedding ceremonies. *Shrug* diff cultures!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I’m curious about the track suit weddings guests too. Adidas has hundreds of items in the fashion part of Zolando; most of them look functional to me, but I guess they’re designed to be fashion, or else they’d be under “athletic”, right? But your observation of them showing up to eat & run reminds me of my son’s father telling me that back home in Ghana, he usually spent Saturday afternoons at a funeral, wearing kente.

rachylou

Veteran

Re weddings … I don’t know about modern HK, but in SF, you’d always get these folks in moth eaten sweaters with gold, jade, diamond jewellery thrown on over … like people wanted to be ready to do a quick change if the tax man came knocking. I’m not sure what it was about really, except jewellery > clothes.

Brooklyn

Veteran

I can’t remember whether you watch Trinny’s videos on YouTube? You might find them helpful. She wears lots of long skirts (and sequins, and metallics) but she dresses them down. Mostly by wearing trainers. I think footwear is really key to casualising a look. The minute you put on heels, you look like you dressed up.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Zaeobi, soooo interesting! You probably see it ALL these days - especially with new pandemic normals. I dress up - always see dressed up people, and LOVE the street fashion in HK (and Japan). It's my best!

YES, the West Coast in the US is VERY casual - except for me

Lets help you find some super gorgeous Summer maxi dresses for formal events!

Anonymous

I have a very difficult time dressing casually for any event, particularly a wedding. My husband & I will be moving to an area that’s a lot more casual than where we live now. My basic strategy has been to find casual clothing that have feminine details (like beads sewn in the neckline, etc.) so as to look dressier. And like Angie has suggested, I have several maxi dresses with dressy shoes, and 2 sheath dresses with coordinating toppers. I hope what I have chosen will be dressy enough for most occasions. I don’t mind looking a little dressier than everyone else as long as my clothing is not OTT. My advice to you is to try to strike a balance so you can confidently wear what you love and still fit in. Hope this helps.

SarahD8

Veteran

I LOVE jessikams's "feel more comfy in formal wear" formulation (formal-ulation?). Such good advice and it really helped a penny drop for me -- I think that's the bit that's eluded me in the past.

I like what others are suggesting re: separates and juxtaposition. A pair of high-waisted, wide-leg silk pants and a cashmere t-shirt?

For a summer topper -- maybe some kind of silky/satin-y bomber?

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

@Stag
I have no idea about athletic vs streetwear tracksuits - tbh it's not a bad idea for a buffet (being prepped with a stretchy waistband lol!) but perhaps not a wedding buffet lol...
Do you mean that he would show up to the Saturday funerals just for the food?

@rachylou
Huh, interesting! I've not seen people wear much jewellery at weddings here other than jade - & that tends to be the older folk. My wedding jewelry just sits in a drawer because it's 'too much' to wear anywhere other than my own wedding lol!

@Brooklyn
That's a good point - I can use my gold or cream slip-ons, but will need to figure out casual yet wedding-appropriate sandals.
I know Trinny & have followed her (she's come a long way since What Not to Wear was on TV!) but haven't looked at her YT channel lately. Thanks for the reminder!

@Angie
You're right, the pandemic has probably taken its toll too - everything should be officially opening up again on the 21st, so fingers crossed that will put a spring in everyone's step again!
The street fashion here is great inspo, I just struggle with how to translate that into something that works on my body... @Brooklyn might be onto something with the 'casual shoes' though - I could potentially see that formula work well with breezy maxi dresses for summer weddings!

@quinta22
Feminine details sounds like a good strategy. I usually don't mind being overdressed but my husband gets self-conscious if I do it at an event like a wedding, since it's understandably not about me then (don't want to detract from the bride!) It's just tricky to navigate dressing down without looking sloppy, since my style errs towards dressy...

@SarahD8
Nice portmanteau lol Yes, comfort is key - I actually have a pair of high-rise, wide legged silky trousers, so mixing textures like you suggest is doable!
A silky bomber is actually a HEWI of mine - if I could find a cropped teal one, it would solve many of my outerwear issues in this climate!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

They have funeral societies where your dues are sort of like funeral insurance, do you’ll get a good burial, which is important there. More mourners=better funeral (& maybe better afterlife? Not sure). So yeah, when someone dies, they all just show up for the funeral.

ETA. Want to follow me down the rabbit hole? My son’s father is Asante, from Kumasi. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-44303067.amp
https://www.jstor.org/stable/3.....#038;seq=1

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

Oh, interesting! This is a totally foreign concept to me, since we usually rush to bury the body ASAP (elaborate burial sites are frowned upon) because this world is supposed to be a 'prison' which a soul has finally managed to 'escape' once they've passed onto the afterlife - only to await judgement...

Oh, & the idea of who constitutes as 'family' isn't even up for debate for me, as women are banned from graveyards altogether in my culture - for fear that they'll become so 'hysterical' with their mourning that they'll resort to black magic or witchcraft to try to revive the dead body...

For such a universal experience, every culture has such varying ways to deal with (either to honour or avoid) death!

Bijou

Veteran

For me, footwear and denim are how I dress down some of my favourite dressy pieces. I have worn this dress with the denim jacket and cream boots for a girls lunch at a relaxed beachside restaurant and did not feel overdressed even though other friends were wearing their jeans. Carrying a tote bag also takes away the more dressy vibe.

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Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

@Bijou I have yet to find a flattering denim jacket on myself, but perhaps I should consider a pair of 'wedding jeans'...?

I have sloped shoulders so tote bags never stay put (DH ends up carrying them when we go grocery shopping) but I do have a straw bag that I could use for a similar effect, thank you for the idea!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Crossbody, baby, crossbody! I know they’re awkward for some women, but I’m thinking you might be able to wear one comfortably. Fwiw, I sometimes put the strap above both breasts, instead of between. Maybe that would work for you.

On the death topic, note that women can’t take certain roles in Asante culture either. Iirc, it was mostly men at the funerals my ex said he had gone to (in the years before we knew each other). He mostly talked about beers, not extravagant buffets, but our son is nearly 20, so what I’m reporting is probably from a quarter century ago.

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

Ah, a crossbody foldable tote bag would be the dream. Have yet to find one though - seems like a missed retail opportunity!

Ah, the article mentioned women not being chief mourners but not about them not being mourners at all! hmm I wonder if it's for the same 'hysterical' reason as in our culture...