Janet, just catching up on the YLF news, and there's this. My most heartfelt sympathy and empathy to you. I am glad that the ensuing days have been easier. That initial day is - in Angie's word- gutting, it's the exact word that came to mind in my recent experience with our cats.
I was concerned that I reacted more strongly over the first cat than I have over the loss of medium/distant relatives. The first time through was with the first pet I've ever had, so the first time I had to go through the process of deciding to give a living being a peaceful end. The fact we make that decision about that moment is something I have a super hard time with, even though I agree with everyone that is the final act of love.
Hugs. Here we are in 2019, hope it's better than last year.