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Have you ever drastically changed your look... and hated it?

FlorenceFearne

Since I was about 12, I was "that goth girl." For years, I had a closet full of black. A few jewel tones dresses snuck in, but that was it. And I was pretty happy with that. Then in my late teens I went through some ups and downs, including a truly awful marriage. I quit caring about my looks. I started wearing jeans and t-shirts like everyone else. And I quit feeling like me.

Now that I'm divorced and happier, I've been trying to find my way again. I dived back into my old gothy stand-bys and loved it, but I wondered if it was too juvenile, too cliched. So I bought more colored clothing. I cut my hair, and stripped out the black. Now I'm just... pretty-ish. And I don't mean that to sound vain - for me conventional prettiness isn't necessarily a desirable state. To counterbalance the pretty, I feel like I have to make a lot more effort in my hair/makeup/styling than I used to. I once again miss my old gothy self.

I even realized that part of the reason I'm so hesitant to post WIWs is because I don't feel as though they properly reflect who I am, and what I like. So I'm wondering, has anyone else been through something similar? Have you ever made big changes to your appearance that you regretted? Have you ever felt pressure (even from yourself) to dress in a style that didn't feel like you? I'm not sure if I'm even looking for advice here; maybe just commiseration.

If you've waded through all that wishy-washy text up there, maybe you'd like to see a few older pictures. These seem more like "me," as I used to be.

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Dressing

26 replies

Latest reply was from Alassë

KeepTheKey

(website)

FF: I haven't experienced what you described to such an extreme, but I have been unhappy with small changes. So I sort of know what you're feeling, if only in a very tiny way.

Instead of just doling out advice (who am I to do so?), let me ask a few questions first. Do you think your old look feels more like "you" because you were very comfortable in your old style? Are you just trying to recapture something from the past, when things were better? If you can safely say that's not the case, I say go back to what made you feel most comfortable with yourself. If you do analyze yourself, and realize that maybe you *are* holding onto something in your past that you've moved beyond, maybe what you're trying right now just needs to be tweaked. Or perhaps altered completely? Take into account the function of your clothes (work, play, etc) and go from there.

I say you should experiment. Thrift stores are a great way to try out different styles for a fraction of the cost. Instead of jet black hair, maybe try something dark, but not so harsh. Go to a make up counter and let them play. Most importantly, have FUN! Instead of fretting about what you "should" do according to some strange societal norms, make yourself happy

Oh, and FWIW, I love your goth look. You have incredible bone structure, beautiful skin, and you really rock the black and jewel tones!

Debra

Veteran

Well I think you have fantastic style, you look gorgeous here.
Your life has changed, re-assess and do what makes you happy

rute

Veteran

you must wear what makes you happy, but think first if you really like it and feel 100% confort or you are just trying to recover a period of your life when you were very happy.
Normally our style goes foward and not back.

Deborah

Veteran

Well firstly I love your style and secondly years ago I went from blonde to a chestnut brown colour. It's amazing how simply changing hair colour can make you feel so different. After about 6 weeks, I started to return to blonde. Then about 13 years ago I coloured my hair black..a complete disaster lol. And yes, there have been times where I have felt I should dress or look a certain way but I have pretty much overcome that and care very little about what others think and now really dress for myself. Your goth look is beautiful. Is there is reason you wouldn't reinvent this?

RoseandJoan

Veteran

You look fab in your photos, I have a soft spot for black hair against porcelain skin. I would like to ask which aspects of gothic style holds appeal? Is it the drama, the toughness or something else? Perhaps it is an element of this style you wish to carry forward rather than the hole.

I have to say that when I have deviated too much from my natural colouring I feel like a fraud, so it's no tanning and no hair dye for myself at this point in time.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

You look terrific in these photos. Your strong bones and high contrast colouring make you a natural for black and jewel tones and a bit of "edge."

It's an interesting balance, isn't it. Sometimes, "more effort" is a transitional thing, and necessary, as we evolve our style into something more comfortable for our current selves. And sometimes it's just more effort, and a pain, and results in nothing good!

Whenever I grow my hair, I have that experience. Every decade or so someone or something or perhaps just boredom persuades (or persuaded) me to grow my hair longer and inevitably many people would compliment me on it and even praise me for growing it out "at last." I think they thought they knew how to place me with longer hair. It looked so much more conventional and that was comforting to some.

But you know what? They're wrong. Short hair is me, it makes my style about 500 times easier to nail, and I'm 100% more myself in a short cut. Plus, objectively speaking, it looks better on me -- whatever some people, blinded by convention, might think.

Astrid

Veteran

I experienced something similar in my teens, when I gave in to the urging of some friends and dyed my hair a very dark red. They all thought I'd look less "mousy" that way. Guess what? I hated it and after three months of letting my roots grow out I got myself a super short pixie and had my natural hair color (ashblonde) again.

You said you miss your old style, but felt it was too juvenile so you changed it to something you thought you SHOULD like. Maybe going back to the old style as it was isn't a good idea, but who says you can't adapt it into a more grown up look? I'm sure you can find those styles you liked in a version that feels more grown up. I like the term Deborah used, reinventing.

Anonymous

I love your style. I think you should find your touchstone to that style as reflected in who you are today.

Beth Ann

Veteran

I echo Ceit. It's always helpful to find a way forward, not back, but use an element or two from that time when you felt "authentic" in your look to guide you forward. "Goth" can be hard to pull off in adulthood, unless you work in a non-traditional field. But an "Artistic Edge" is a little more nuanced and still dramatic and far from conventional prettiness.

Could you put together an outfit or two that might represent a grown-up version of the you before? Do you have an inspiration folder, a Pinterest board, or style icons?

Jude

During my first year at university I dyed my light warm brown hair black. First reddish black, then blue black. I wore a lot of black back then, my specs were black, and I had always wanted to have black hair as a teenager, so I thought why not. I quite liked the reddish black on me, but the blue black... Well, I waited until the color washed out (it was only a semi-permanent hair color) and never did it again. Looking back, I think it looked dreadful. Imagine a warm peachy skin tone with lots of golden brown freckles with blue black hair. Ugh.
I'm wearing my natural hair color now. I realized that I actually like it and want to enjoy it at least until the inevitable first grey streaks show up I also prefer to wear clothes in colors that suit me. There is one simple reason for that: Going against your natural coloring is a lot of work if you really want to nail the look. And I am lazy
This being said, I think you look absolutely stunning in the pictures that you posted. Pic 2 is particularly breathtaking. If this is the look that makes you feel the most comfortable in your own skin, and if you don't shy away from the upkeep, then go for it. I am sure you will find a way to adjust it to the person that you are NOW

ironkurtin

Veteran

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Life is an evolution. Keep playing until you hit your sweet spot, that's what I say.

You are gorgeous.

LACeleste

Veteran

You are a stunner! I think you should look the way that makes you happiest. I imagined how you looked before I saw your old pics---and the dramatic, cool look is EXACTLY the picture I had in my mind for you.

I too was a hair color changer. I think it was an attempt to be prettier. I always thought blonde hair was so beautiful and starting with Sun-In when I was 18 year old, I dyed it/got it colored for years and years. I did not look good--in retrospect.

Now that I appreciate my natural auburn hair, the grays are coming in fast and furious.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I've never done anything too dramatic in terms of style shift, but I've never been much for extremes when it comes to my appearance. However, I've swerved and curved a few times along the way. I think our preferred style when we were young can be a component of our happy grown-up style, but I aim for a more sophisticated version of my young self.

I like your look in those photos but I understand the need to adapt that style to your current needs and wants. It sounds like you tried to go directly counter to your old style and that didn't work out. I suspect you'll be happiest when you figure out how to incorporate elements of that darker, edgier style in a modern, sophisticated, updated way. Keep playing!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I echo what Rute and Ironkurtin said.

KikiG

Veteran

I think there is this thing in divorce where you have to go back to what you were pre-relationship, as part of your life re-boot. I had to revisit my college days, where I was a domestic, preppy bookworm, who studied and baked bread and kept house. Happily, none of this was awkward at work or embarassing to my kids. And then I evolved, including how I dressed myself. You may have to go back to go forward.

FlorenceFearne

Thank you so much everybody. It means a lot to me to have everyone be so kind. A lot of people consider goth synonymous with ugly, and it's SUCH a relief to hear so many people who I respect and admire say nice things about my style choices. Believe it or not, the looks above are what I would consider an acceptably grown up version of goth for most things. Maybe not for a job interview, or to meet a foreign dignitary or something, but for a day-to-day thing, I now look back on these pictures and I think I looked fine.

I got it in my head that maybe black and red button-up shirts and velvet blazers were somehow on the same level as those enormous pants with all the straps on them, and the kind of makeup that makes a person resemble a rogue member of the KISS army. So I made changes accordingly. And now I wonder what on earth I was thinking. I didn't look like a big mess in the first place, so WHY did I change it? I just lost confidence in myself and tried to do all the "right" things, even though they weren't right for me personally. Now when I wear those "right" outfits, I know they look nice, but I feel uncomfortable in them. I know that usually you don't want to move backwards, but I think this is more like when you give up on your regular style as a result of illness or a bad life event, and then you need to get it back.

I'm just glad to have gotten this off my chest, and to have had such amazingly helpful and supportive answers from you all. It's frustrating to know that I basically forced myself to start all over again. If finding and polishing your style is a journey, I feel like the pictures I posted are definitely not an ending point, but they're a middle point which I backtracked from. So I'll try to get back on my path. And if I waver, I will ask you ladies to help.

and @ Beth Ann, I do have a ridiculously huge style file, and several amazing bloggers I follow too. I think that was maybe part of the problem. All I had pinned/bookmarked/saved were the most extreme looks. So I somehow thought that if I couldn't have 6 miles of teased purple hair and eyeliner up to my temples, I'd better just give up. Silly me neglected the middle road again.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Ah, I agree that it sounds like you have been through a lot - who would not feel confused and want to branch out and change after that?

I have not had the exact same things happen, but I do know that I experimented a lot (here on YLF and before), trying to balance the concept of not liking color with the fact that bright colors look pretty darn good on me. Added lots of color and totally felt like, "Where the heck did my edge go??" Gradually weeded out pretty much everything but citron, emerald, and orange as bright colors. Some muted, somber colors act as neutrals now, but I no longer feel the pressure to be the tropical color fairy.

I agree that as Grown Ups we can't all wear Super Goth Strappy Pants or in my case Extreme Apocalyptic Warrior Leathers to the workplace, but that doesn't mean you can't dress in office appropriate goth-inspired cuts and colors. I had a friend at The Bank who did a great job incorporating her retro Psychobilly inspired look at the corporate office. No one gave her guff about it at all.

Isis

Veteran

I don't know your line of work, but the goth pics you've posted strike me as grown up, sophisticated and beautiful. Would work in many environments. You could go back to that exactly that and then see where you go from there.

Would be fun to see your current pics and then where you go from here!

catgirl

Veteran

Well, just read my agonized posts about style shifts. I'm feeling that way right now. I don't dress to go against or with the grain, I dress for myself - and when I can't do that, I feel almost suffocated somehow. And yet I love my work and recognize that I need to conform to a certain standard for the sake of it.

I think you can easily do grown-up goth by incorporating the Allsaints/Rick Owens/Helmut Lang aesthetic, and you don't have to buy at that level. I find lots of things at F21 and elsewhere that fit that style mode.

krysrockzclothez

Member

Do what makes you feel HAPPY:). Fashion is forever changing and repeating at different times and era's so why can't yours?

Amy

(website)

Veteran

Well, there was the year I got a bad perm, acne, glasses and braces...

You're going through a lot lately, so give yourself permission to experiment and have fun. Not every day has to be perfect--or even entirely authentic. You may discover, along the way, something that's even better than your old style.

Jude

It is beyond me how anyone could consider your look in those two pics to be ugly. To me it is as you said: an acceptably grown up version of goth for most things. And I am really excited to see what you're coming up with in the future

MsMary

Veteran

First, I love your look in the photos!

Second, I have twice in my life colored my hair dark brown, and both times I went back to blond within 24 hours. Just... so not me!!

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

My entire life I have gone back and forth between conservative/safe and a hipper, casual California style with a strong trend element. I would have periods of my life when I got really serious about non-style issues and I dressed conservatively. Then my creative side would call to me and I'd go back to a more fashion-conscious look. Nowadays, I do both looks in one week. The conservative look for work, my real self other times. When you have a dramatic hair and make-up routine it is not as easy to be a chameleon so your work look needs to have elements that tie back in, for example to your Goth underpinnings.

I like your Goth look. It is not heavy-duty Goth but it is attractive and makes you stand out more than the usual office -appropriate look. I think you can go back to that hair and make-up routine, it is flattering and you are young so doesn't come off as harsh. You could try this for the Winter (unless you are in the S. Hemisphere). You might want to revisit again come Spring. If we're saying you keep the hair and make-up look you've shown in the pictures, I would then ask myself, do I want my clothing to be dramatic/minimal (Rick Owens) classic/minimal (Jil Sander) or more retro and romantic (Dolce & Gabbana). I think all styles would work with Goth. Take a look at elements you like, and then come up with something completely your own. For example if you like preppy, you could come up with a preppy-Goth-romantic style all your own. Or if you like Sci-Fi, you could go Rick Owens-Sci-Fi-Goth.

For inspiration, Rick Owens: http://www.barneys.com/on/dema.....38;utm_sou
Jil Sander:
http://www.barneys.com/on/dema.....=jil%20san
Dolce & Gabbana - not sure if this is the best expression of this style though
http://www.barneys.com/on/dema.....=dolce%20a
Here is Nina Ricci which has a romantic feel.
http://www.shopbop.com/actions.....&quer
And of course Modcloth -- where the fit and flare dress comes to mind as the pinnacle of this sort of retro-romantic style
http://www.modcloth.com/shop/fit-flare-dresses

Anonymous

Quote from Jude: "Going against your natural coloring is a lot of work if you really want to nail the look. And I am lazy."

Me too!

My style, although never extreme, has shifted over the years. Now that I have a better idea of what works for me, I'm developing my own style. I'm happy with the way I look, and it's a lot less work.

In the end, you have to be true to yourself.

Alassë

Veteran

I agree completely with your view: "an acceptably grown up version of goth for most things." Also, CocoLion has great suggestions for how to pick which grown up goth style to go for now. I can't wait to see what you come up with!