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Hate to unload on the forum

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

My intense one night and 1/2 the day today conversation is a attempt to patch up a badly soured 20 year friendship. At one point I was told I am cold. This really hurt me and set me back. It made me question all my bad luck in dating.
Facebook feedback from people that know both of us, said it was more about him than me. He is not on Facebook, so I think I'm safe.
I am hugely and personally stung. I know I can be difficult and blunt at times, but cold??? I'm pretty sure I'm not a Klingon.
How do I respond to this in a measured and not attacking way?

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30 replies

Latest reply was from CocoLion

deb

Veteran

I feel your pain. I have been told I was 'cold' most of my life. It used to hurt quite a bit, especially when I was in my 20's. I slowly learned to shrug it off and learned that if people are not able to take me the way that I am, then they really are not a friend. It took me a long time to develop this attitude and it came slowly, but once it set in I felt free from the guilt others tried to dump on me. And really Anna, that is what they are doing. My reply to something like this is basically 'I will not accept your guilt trip" or something like that. Each individual is different so I find I need each responce to be different. Some folks were really put out by this response and tried to turn it back on me. Those that could converse about the situation are still friends. Hang in there, It really will get better. Do you think you could be extra sensitive because of the other night? I know when I am upset, I over react and have learned to wait and re address issues when I am thinking more clearly. Some of us overly sensitive people have built up such thick, strong walls as protection, it is hard to let anything in or out.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I don't think you're Klingon; but I haven't really talked too much with you on the forum either - if anything, I think you're more Vulcan - smart, but the rest of us aren't quite smart enough to catch up to you sometimes - maybe that is why people think you are cold?

I have had no luck dating either; and I don't think that has anything to do with how cold/warm a person is. I think it's just that - bad luck - and bad luck can't last forever, right?

rachylou

Veteran

I say what?! Cold? How bizarre.

I have to tell you, Anna, it doesn't sound like there was much honest conversation going on. Honest conversation never involves telling other people about themselves. Clinical evaluations by disinterested parties might, but never honest conversations.

Why are you trying to patch up this relationship? Just because of the time you've known them? If they're not family... I don't know. Is it worth it?

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I had a similar thing happen with one of my best friends who is very openly emotional. I told her that just because I am not overly comfortable sharing my feelings, doesn't mean I don't have them and feel them deeply.

If this is a friendship of long-standing and a person you care about, I think it is worth the effort. I had decided to end the friendship of almost 25 years with the friend noted above. A few months later we ran into each other and talked. I am very happy that she is back in my life and realized I need to accept her flaws and all knowing that no one is perfect and that her wonderful qualities outweigh those that are less stellar.

((hugs to you Anna)) I know how hard it is to question the value of a friendship wiht someone you have loved and shared with for years.

missvee

Veteran

No wonder you're upset - what a hurtful thing to say! You might want to wait a bit and let the dust settle before you make any attempt to reopen the discussion. But one thing's for sure - people say things in the heat of the moment that they don't really mean, so perhaps your friend's remark was not his/her true feelings. Try not to let it cloud your feelings on other issues (like dating ).

anne

Veteran

Dear Anna, I wish we could sit down and have a talk about this. I have been thinking it over all day and have various questions I could ask you and then different things I would say depending on what you said *sigh*.

But as a RL conversation can't happen, here are a few thoughts
- I feel for you and your feelings of hurt and surprise. Most of us think we know our own shortcomings, so to be accused of something we had never even thought of can really hit hard
- I plump on the side of trying to maintain a relationship. even if it involves having to resolve conflict and misunderstanding - also resolving these can deepen a relationship and give you a chance for personal growth
- I know it is really tempting but try not to let one comment make you question every aspect of your life
- if this was me, I would really like specifics. I don't like hurting my friends, or feeling like my real self is not being understood, so after I have calmed down a little I would say something like " I really don't feel like I am cold, and I want to understand why you might have felt that I was. Can you give me an example".
If she can give you several real life examples I guess you have a choice
1) you can explain the scenario from your perspective - (eg, I was preoccupied with x at the time, I didn't realise I was giving you the impression I ....)
2) You can decide that you will respond a bit differently in the future! It might be something that could be easily changed (and it might just be this friend - people are different)
3) You could decide that you couldn't feasibily have acted any other way, but tell your friend that that is how you are and it doesn't mean x...
well there are probably more options as well....

FWIW, I don't think from what I have seen of you on the forum that you are cold! I do worry that I come across that way though, as I am not as effusive as many of you!
I can't speak to the Klingon ref

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

(((HUGS)))

Anna, I have two questions to provide more context to the situation if you don't mind.

Who are you patching up a 20 year relationship with - were you great friends before the "cold" comment? And was the correspondence this weekend via mail, phone or face to face.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Yes, we used to be great friends. It was my friend who bought me the owl dress and the galaxy dress.
He came up this weekend to talk face to face. We rehashed A LOT of history.
He admitted that he has been going through a very difficult time right now. I'm not sure projecting is the right term.

ETA I meant to say Vulcan, got my Star Trek references all wrong. I'm probably more Klingon, because occasionally I have a nasty temper.

Diana

Veteran

Obviously I have never met you in person, but from the impression I get on the forum, you do not seem cold to me at all. Maybe a little blunt at times, but you definitely show a lot of passion and warmth IMO.

I have been labeled as "cold" too in the past (or, more often, aloof, I guess) probably because I am kind of shy, really, really bad at small talk, and not good at opening up to people I don't know very well. I don't know if any of those descriptors apply to you, but I know that it hurts to be called cold. But it seems that if this person was such a good friend in the past, they should be able to see past those types of external defenses, you know? I wonder if he is just lashing out for some reason, even though deep down he knows what you are really like underneath.

rachylou

Veteran

Hmm. A man who has bought you a dress.

Hmm. You know, Anna, I've got a strong counter cultural streak. As does my neighbor. She's seeing someone now and would like to get married, but is balking at the things that you have to do and be to have such an institutional relationship. I remind her that she has to bite the bullet if she wants that. I hope it's helpful.

Anyways, what's come to mind is, and how this is related -- gay or straight, there is no permissible circumstance where a non-relative male may buy a woman a dress unless you're quite edgy when it comes to society. With you dating and looking to have a relationship which one might surmise is more institutionalized society, your friend may be having a kind of identity crisis and reflexively (if not smartly) seeking to preserve his edgy world. He may be encountering a lot of these situations right now...

But I should think you still have to decide whether or not to preserve the relationship if you don't want an edgy life personally. Sometimes you have to move away from the edge and the nice people there, and that's all there is too it.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Hm, that is an odd comment. Granted, I only know you from the forum, but you seem very open from what I've seen here. Passionate about your style finds, honest with your opinions... you freely share your dating ups and downs. You can be dry and blunt, but that is part of your charm!

I don't know what to say about your friend... I recently ended a 10-year friendship, so all I know is it is difficult and painful when those close to us say and do hurtful things. Is he sharing his tough times with you? Is he looking for support? One side of me thinks it's great to be a friend even if he is lashing out, the other side thinks perhaps it's better to keep a safe distance until he has his issues sorted and can play nice.

Irene

Veteran

I don't know you so I can't say whether you are cold or warm. You do strike me as blunt and sharp sometimes, to be honest. I don't think that's a bad thing though. Just like Louise always signs with an 'x' at the end, or Astrid is extremely nice and caring, or others tend to compliment a lot -I want to think with honesty-, you answer in short sentences and it's hard to get a compliment from you. Which makes it much more rewarding when we do get one. That's who you are, or how you act -whatever. You want to change it? Try to. You don't want to? Great as well.

As for your friend, depends a lot on the context. If he was just trying to help you become friendlier, warmer, nicer, I would take it as an advice and decide whether you want to follow it or not, yet not take it wrong the wrong way.

If you think he was just trying to hurt you, it will depend on whether the relationship is worth keeping or not. Nobody is perfect and we do explode from time to time and say things we didn't really mean or they just come out the wrong way. Maybe you should talk about this thoroughly, if you want to know how he really feels. You will know better than any of us what his intentions were when he said that.

FWIW, I'm not known as the warmest person on Earth either

Janet

(website)

Veteran

As someone who tends to be reserved (although you wouldn't know it here, where I tend to overshare!), yet sensitive, which I believe you are, it's hard to hear something like what your friend said to you. I'm really sorry.

That said, I think that usually when someone comes out with a blunt label like that, it says more about their own state of mind than your personality. What Anne said about specifics resonated with me. If the conversation can be turned from generalized ststements like "you are _____ " to "I felt _____ when you did ____" it opens the door to real dialogue and getting closer to one another. Telling you you are "cold" does just the opposite. It sounds like your friend *might* be (subconsciously) looking for a way to shut you out. Just speculation.

If you fear that there is some tiny bit of truth in what your friend said, then it's up to you to do the soul-searching to explore that feeling more. That can be hard, I know.

In any case, even though we've only interacted online, I don't get "cold" from you, but I know how it is to be totally misunderstood. Hugs to you!

Gaylene

Veteran

As a professor, I guess, over the years, I've developed a bit of a thick skin for these kinds of comments. My colleagues and I call them "drive-by labels" because their purpose is to hurt you, not give you insight into your character.

It's hard not to get upset when someone lashes out at you, but, before you accept the accuracy of the term, you might want to think a bit about the context. People throw out these labels when they are upset or frustrated. If you care about the relationship, your time is usually better spent trying to get to the bottom of WHY the person wants to hurt you than trying to figure out if something is intrinsically wrong with you. On the other hand, if the comment is more along the lines of constructive criticism, than, yes, it probably deserves some self-analysis. I guess what I'm saying, Anna, is label "cold" can only apply to you if you think you ought to take ownership of the term. Otherwise it is just noise.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Ah. Thanks for elaborating, Anna.

Anna, if you value unsolicited feedback from your friend, I would think about what motivated him to say what he did. Without being defensive, try to understand why he draws this "cold" conclusion. Speak to him. Perhaps cold was the wrong word and he meant something else. There is something behind it, and it could be a billion different things, and this is worth investigating.

FWIW, I know that when I get negative feedback from people about my behaviour or character whose opinion I really take to heart, I think about it a lot. I usually find that that to some extent, great or small, they are right. And then I try to improve my behavior.

Receiving negative feedback from people and how you react to it depends entirely on the source. And not all good friends can be accurate sources of feedback I might add. That's my point.

NO ONE reacts well to negative feedback. And the way it is delivered can make us feel worse. It's a psychological theory that is proven over and over again. This should be a life lesson to us all.

I really hope that you and your friend can have a rational conversation about this, which is not easy to do :(. But from what I gather, the relationship is worth salvaging.

We are here if you need us. ((HUGS))).

Aziraphale

Veteran

Is there a chance he is romantically interested in you, and you don't reciprocate the feeling? And he's finally decided that you never will?

I'm guessing here, because I don't know the man, or the situation, or your relationship, and there are many kinds of relationships possible, including ones I've never experienced myself. But as Rachylou says, ordinarily a man doesn't buy a woman -- a platonic friend -- a dress. Clothing tends to be personal. There's an old saying: "A man doesn't buy a woman a dress unless he one day hopes to be the one taking it off of her". Or something like that. Sometimes there's a kernel of truth in old sayings.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Sorry, I do not have any associations with buying a dress. I love clothes, and shouldn't presents be something the receiver loves. What was he supposed to get me, a power drill? He also bought and built my shoecase. I even tried to buy him a leather jacket, but unfortunately it didn't fit.
I was more looking for a way to ask him why after decades of friendship he decided to tell me I'm cold.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Yeah, I agree that's weird. And hurtful. I can't imagine saying "you're cold" to anybody, let alone an old and good friend. And I guess it's true that a good friend would try to buy you something you love -- in your case, clothes! Lol

But seriously -- is there a chance he's carrying a torch for you? That might explain a few things. If I'm way off base, then never mind. I mean no offense. But it's a possibility. Often when there's a long-standing friendship between a man and a woman, there's actually some romantic interest on one side (that may never get voiced).

rachylou

Veteran

Ah. No. A power drill is also something only male relations are supposed to buy. There are a lot of little rules. You aren't really supposed to get what you love... His building you a shoecase, quite honestly means he is YOUR MAN. Romance is not needed for him to have that status. Society is interesting. It's... Cold. There are reasons for the rules. They're not entirely insane. It's divisions of responsibility and obligation. For a long time BFF, you could maybe splurge on a toaster oven one year.

But ya. And thus I'm antisocial.

So did you ask and what did he say? I wonder if he could even know why he said it then. We usually don't get why we do things until years later.

anne

Veteran

Angie has explained in much more depth and in much greater and clearer detail what I was trying to say when I said
"I plump on the side of trying to maintain a relationship. even if it involves having to resolve conflict and misunderstanding - also resolving these can deepen a relationship and give you a chance for personal growth"

Thanks Angie!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

OH! That's great Anne. We are on the same wavelength

rachylou

Veteran

One more thought... my attention has been captured, your friend makes me think of my soldier friend... your friend may admire this *coldness.* May not always find it easy, but still admire it.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

The only thing I can think of is that your friend is feeling needy in one way or another, and thus the "cold" comment. It could be that he wants *more* of your attention in some way...whether romantic or platonic, I don't know.

That was my first thought when I read your post - that your friend wants more of your attention in some way and perhaps expects you to read his mind or notice that he's wanting more of your affection, closeness or what have you.

I wouldn't take the "you're cold" comment too personally - sometimes people say weird things like this when they are feeling frustrated and can't explain why they're feeling the way they feel. There's a possibility that he doesn't even know why he said it - and that he just kind of blurted it out - because on some deeper, and more emotional level - he wants and needs something more from you at this time. Meanwhile, lots of times people don't know how to ask for what they need...and weeks or months later, a person might lash out and make a weird comment like this out of the blue because they want or need something more.

Not your fault at all - it's perhaps a case of your friend wanting and needing more of your love, care, attention and affection in some way - but he hasn't said so...and he then gets 'mad' at you for not being able to read his mind. In my opinion, this isn't a reason to ditch the friendship - just recognize that he's not very good at expressing his needs. Pretty normal, if you ask me.

If this is a possibility, then I'd suggest opening up the lines of communication a wee bit more and asking if there are things he wants to talk about and so on.

This isn't to excuse the comment that hurt your feelings though. I think you should tell him that his comment hurt quite a bit and ask him why he said such a thing. Hopefully, he doesn't get all defensive and put the blame on you, when there's a good chance that the real reason he said it in the first place is because he wants more of your care and attention, but somehow neglected to mention it to you! You're carrying on as per usual, without knowing that he's feeling a bit more needy for some reason, and then ...he gets mad at you for not having ESP.

True story:

****edited to add: this was a few years ago****

I was having a very hard time in my relationship, thinking of leaving my long-term boyfriend. Serious stress, angst and even despair. I get together with my Dad for our usual coffee/brunch deal ...he's yammering on about how his coffee maker is leaking, how mad he is about property tax going way up, whether or not "lichen" is a real colour, should we go downtown and check out some new store. He's talking about my Grandma and what do to about getting her a pair of glasses. Oh, and he found this great new dessert place downtown...yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, here's me - totally stressed, upset, worried about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I might have to leave my boyfriend. What will I do about the condo?

I end up thinking my Dad doesn't care. He's self-absorbed. Selfish. Uncaring.

Meanwhile, he has *no idea* that something's going on with me. We're just doing our usual thing. The same thing we've always done every single weekend. Is it my Dad's fault? No, not really. I haven't said anything.

Meanwhile, I could have easily blurted out something along the lines of , "You're cold!" or something similar. My Dad ends up being the bad guy for carrying on as per usual.

Thing is? He has no clue that something serious is going on with me. Because I haven't spoken up, but yet - at the same time - I'm expecting him to *be there* for me somehow. And if he's not, then he's somehow being mean.

Does this make sense?

I think your friend is going through something - and hasn't said anything, *or* he wants more of your attention somehow. Meanwhile, you're carrying on as per usual, not knowing the 'goings on.'

You are not cold. I think your friend has something going on in his life or just wants something more from you right now, and you're in the dark, so somehow ...you get blamed. Not nice, but ...it happens. It doesn't mean that your friend is a bad guy at all - just that he maybe doesn't know how to explain or ask for what he needs right now.

I would not give up on the friendship at all....and further, I would assume that the reason for the "cold" comment is because your only 'fault' is that you're not a mind reader. Most of us aren't mind readers, so don't worry about this one too much!

Ask him what's going on.

anne

Veteran

VC this situation you describe is SUCH a common one! Words of wisdom there.

(and it is hard, I find to give up that mental mindset that says "they should just know something is wrong without my having to say it". I have had to consciously think this through with my relationship with my husband - to know that I just have to TELL him things and that I want his attention and that he will be all ears and support - but I can't expect him to read my mind)

bj1111

Veteran

snap judgment time...i have the same read as rachy...so sorry rachy if i misunderstood.

if he isn't gay, he has a thing for you. you are likely to disagree and there may be unloading of his dissatisfaction over his current situation on you. but you may want to consider the possibility, however remote and only to be discarded, that he has a thing for you.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

VC, great words of wisdom there. I can use that reminder myself. I tend to think my husband should "just know" whatever it is that's bugging me. I'm such a conflict avoider that I have trouble even just expressing when something is bothering me, and then it comes out in an inappropriate way. Thank you. And good luck to you in the situation with your boyfriend. That can't be easy.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Ack! The story about the breakup with my boyfriend and how I hadn't yet mentioned it to my Dad happened a number of years ago. I'm married now and have been for almost nine years (no, not the bf I broke up with). But thank you Janet - appreciate the sentiment. I'm just fine...very happily married.

I guess I didn't make that too clear...how embarrassing! I just wanted to illustrate how sometimes in a long-standing relationship (friends, family or partner) one person can be carrying on as per usual...not knowing that something's "up" with their loved one, and then get 'accused' of being mean or uncaring or what have you. I didn't accuse my Dad of that when I was having a hard time in my relationship all those years ago, but I remember thinking it in my mind...driving home from his place, thinking he was a bit self-absorbed or something along those lines. This wasn't the case at all, just that I was feeling particularly needy and stressed at the time. And yet, in another twist to the whole episode, I didn't mention it to my Dad right away because I was almost too scared to admit it to myself, let alone tell someone else. I was scared because this was a long-term relationship and I'd bought a condo with him. Admitting to myself that things weren't working out was a bit scary to think about or talk to anyone else about at first...yet it was happening. A nagging, panicky feeling. Meanwhile, at the time, I'm thinking of my Dad as being aloof or uncaring...when really all he was doing was being his normal, fun, chatty self.

Again, most people aren't mind readers

ironkurtin

Veteran

AG, I'm going to second what Angie says.

Also, honestly, when people name-call or label, it's usually about them and not about you.

I also think in a 20-year relationship, it is OK to say, "Hey, I took this comment to heart, and it's bothering me. Can we talk about it some more? I really want to know where you're coming from on this, because I want to work it out."

I hope it works out!

Kari

Veteran

Anna, I'm so sorry that you had something so hurtful said to you by someone that you've trusted for a long time.

Janet's comment basically took the words right out of my mouth. It raises my hackles SO much when people make comments like that as if it could possibly elicit a response other than shame or defensiveness. Telling someone "You are cold", "You are cruel", "You are selfish" is a really broad and judgmental statement to make, and doesn't give the person any indicators of what they did wrong or how they can change.

In contrast, if your friend had said something like "I was really hurt when X happened" or "When I told you about the hard time I've been having, I really needed you respond by doing X instead of Y", you'd have a specific example of something that happened to make your friend withdraw and could apologize for it, or decide if your friend's request or expectations of you are something that you can reasonably do.

For the record, I don't think you're cold at all. I love talking with you.

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