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gift suggestions

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat, I'm looking for suggestions on how you ask for gifts. I spend a lot of time choosing gifts for individuals, starting with looking at what they've chosen for their lives. From my new niece-in-law loving the pastry board/cutting board (it flips over) I gave her and my nephew last Christmas to my niece having a framed poster I gave her years ago hanging above her bed in college, I get lots of signs that my gifts are used and appreciated. I hope that makes them feel known and loved.

When I leave it up to my relatives to pick presents for me, I get scented candles. The value of these to me is not zero; I actively dislike the scent wafting through my home, or reaching my nose when I just walk past it, so the value is negative. Recently, I've tried asking for specific presents. When I gave my sister a URL for a garlic press that I think is clever in that you can flip it the opposite way to clean the holes, she got me a different one that comes with a tool to clean the holes (not attached/could get lost). This time around I asked for leggings to work out outside. The sister whose kids played soccer and rugby for years skipped that suggestion; the other sister got me thin leggings that seem designed for lounging, not working out. I also requested a very specific type of sleep mask, one with cups for the eyes so you can open them. I gave them a few links to the kind I mean, but said they didn't have to spend that much money. One got me a plain sleep mask very similar to the airline freebie I already had. The other spent $$$ on a silk one that is flat against your face.

I'm not pissed off. I've moved past any hope of feeling loved or "seen" with their presents, but I'm sick of getting crap that will hang around and make me feel guilty until I purge it. What suggestions do you have for either making requests differently or for shifting my attitude?

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21 replies

Latest reply was from Olive Green

LJP

Veteran

I have very strong opinions on this issue - and so all I’ll say is that a shift in attitude might help here . Gifts are just that - and if they don’t suit you , well, c’est La vie - give them away to someone who would like them . I personally don’t subscribe to the notion of requesting gifts as it seems counterintuitive to the whole concept . No expectations = no disappointment .

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Not everyone will be as thoughtful as you are in gift giving. Not everyone will understand or appreciate your asking for specific items, because they may not be as thoughtful or particular about what items they use. I suggest receiving the gift with the warmth that it was gifted with, and viewing the object separately. You can be thankful for the persons act of giving you a gift, even if you don’t like the gift itself. Separate the item from the intention, and don’t feel bad about getting rid of items that don’t work for you.

kkards

Veteran

I think you have 2 options, neither of which are great, and probably neither will make you happy. 1st use the fact that you live overseas as an excuse. Ie it’s hard to find room in my luggage to bring gifts back with me, living spaces here are so much smaller than in the US I really don’t have a lot of room…etc you get the drift and ask for gift cards or say you really want nothing instead (& mean it).
2nd option. is to separate being loved from the physical gift. I think just the fact that they are giving you gifts are a manifestation of their love.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

kkards, I might try your first suggestion--thanks!!

The whole "it's the thought that count" thing really doesn't work for me when it is evident that no thought went into the gift. I would generally prefer no gift over something I have to deal with.

I'm not pleased about the choice he made, but my son just spent $30 on Ubers to return a large, heavy object they sent him for his dorm room. The off-gassing fumes won't bother him any more, but it's a net negative, to his wallet if nothing else. I get that they think it's a great thing, but he said before they sent it that he really didn't know if he wanted it or not...

Really, the point isn't that I want or need stuff--I don't. I have more than enough material things. But in this era of downsizing, Kondo-ing, decluttering, or whatever you want to call it, I just want to turn off the spigot and make it stahhhhhhp. I will try kkards suggestion #1, but am extremely doubtful it would ever happen. Even when we explicitly request non-material gifts, the family thing to do is to also add in "something to open".

Janet

(website)

Veteran

It sounds pretty clear that your loved ones aren’t getting the cues that you want really specific items or are somehow unable to get those things when gift-giving time comes around. I think in that case a request for no more gifts is the way to go. Explain with love and gratitude that you are on a quest to simplify your life with fewer belongings that you need to manage, and would prefer if your loved ones donate the money they would have spent on your gifts to one of your favorite charities.

My best friends and I (since we were in grade school together) agreed on the gift moratorium a few years back. We treat each other to dinner when there is a birthday and we are able to get together, but otherwise have decided not to have expectations around the gift thing anymore. Sometimes we’ll get a little something for each other when the item is just too perfect, but again, no expectations! We wanted to eliminate any kind of transactional pressure. Hope that helps.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I went through this with family members in the past. Their gift giving isn’t about you- it’s about them. You won’t stop them, no matter what you do or say. You can continue to be angry and frustrated, or you can free yourself of the obligation to the gift and treat it as you would any other object. Instead of spending money on an Uber to return something, your son could give it to someone else in the dorm. Say thank you, and toss it out. For these people, the gift isn’t about the thing itself, it’s about the act of giving something.
It’s like anything else- you may not be able to change what they do, but you can change your reaction to it.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I guess it’s the “any other object” part that gets to me. Giving an item that’s made unsustainably to someone else bothers me, because in economic terms, that’s consumption of an unsustainably made item, same as if I used it myself. Tossing it in the landfill is one more thing in the landfill. You see where I’m headed.

This trip it was actually a little easier than in the past. They gave me the stuff when I was staying at my parents’. When I left, I left the stuff on the desk. Not very nice to dump it on our mom when her hands are so full with our dad’s illness, but there it is.

Janet, thanks for the idea of a negotiated gift moratorium. I’ve just realized that one sister might be more open to this than the other, or my mother. Maybe if the two of us start stopping...

Irina

Veteran

Well, I remember having the similar kind of issues with a group of friends. I keep a minimal decor in my house and do not want people to spend money on an item I will inevitably donate (I don’t regift). An easy solution was eventually found - eatable gifts and gift cards. I don’t know if it would work in your case, since you live abroad

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Irina, that’s brilliant! Thank you.

rachylou

Veteran

My grandma just gave everything anyone gave her, back at the end of the evening. ‘You keep it.’

I was incredibly proud of myself when she took two years to give me back the bowl (filled with the right number of tangerines at the time of gifting) I gave her. Lol.

Aquamarine

Veteran

My mother-in-law used to say, “I give what I want you to have.” And from that I learned to be a gracious gift-receiver.

These days I’m all about experiences with loved ones, not gifts. Making memories, not making room for more things we don’t need/want. Or, food gifts…things you can’t get where you are. Would that work, if you say you have no room/need to simplify/clear out your space?

ophelia

Veteran

Totally off topic, but if your parents are in SW Fl, they should leave & soon.
Edit-prob anywhere in the west.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Aquamarine, yeah, that attitude of you should be what I want you to be/want what I want you to want is a total turn-off, as is any manipulation. I am trying to come up with good consumable gift ideas. Straight “experience” is a non-starter; they would feel compelled to give a jersey with the sports tickets or souvenir doodads related to the show, etc.

Thanks Ophelia! I appreciate you thinking of us. My folks are at their “summer” home in the Midwest. My mom doesn’t think they will be going to Florida again as long as my dad is alive—the travel & confusion are hard on him, and dealing with that is hard on her.

NancyW

Veteran

You and your family members do not have shared values around gifts and gift giving. You spend time thinking about the recipient and what they would like or value. This is not how they approach gift giving.

Your choices about how to proceed are limited. Perhaps request only gift certificates and if you get a little something from to open you can pass it to someone else. Yes, that silly item may have crossed the seas in a leaky tanker, but their purchase will not tip the balance of the planet.

Keep your own actions true to yourself and remember that their actions reflect their values and not their love for you. I have been in the same situation and learned that saying “she is acting just like herself” was more useful to my happiness than trying to change others.

Echo

Veteran

My sister and I used to "gift" things, but it was ridiculous. She would buy things for our kids; I would gift a gift card that likely covered the cost of what she got for the kids. As soon as the kids were past the "little" stage, I put an end to it. I told her that we should not exchange gifts at all - we are all adults, and her gifting me something I don't want and me gifting her something she did not want got us nowhere.

By default, we switched to homemade food items. Kind of like, "I know we agreed not to exhange gifts, but I was making fudge and thought you might like some." It is easier on everyone and avoids the waste.

Of course, I haven't seen my sister in ages, but this can easily apply to friends and other family, as well. With Dh's brother and their kids, we now just gift something simple like big candy bars or a sweatshirt we know they will wear. Letting go of any expectations is really the key for us. As much as the waste may bother us, we cannot control the actions of other people, so it is best to let go of the expectations. We can make our desires known, but if they choose not to follow that advice, so be it. As wasteful as it may be, a warm thank you and a stop at Goodwill on the way home is sometimes as good as it gets.

ophelia

Veteran

Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that! It’s so true that people w/ those conditions often find travel disorienting & confusing, & that is very difficult for the caregiver.

Barbara Diane

Veteran

You have lots of good suggestions above.
I have tremendous anxiety around gift giving and receiving gifts. And even cards. It is wonderful that you pick up on things about people and give them such thoughtful gifts.

I think the biggest take-away is that if you are unsuccessful in changing their behavior you are under no obligation to house the gift. Your home is not a storage facility for items that you do not want or need. Appreciate that they care about you, even if you have different ideas and values around gifting and gifts. If you have the energy try to donate items where they will be most appreciated, great, if not, the easiest, simplest way is okay too. This is especially important to remember if, in the future, people want you to have things from someone's estate.

Laurie

Veteran

I am a huge believer in the mandatory gift moratorium, because of your frustrations/ reasons SF, and because no one needs another single thing. I've managed to almost eliminate gift-giving in our family. First, we started with no birthday or holiday gifts between adults with my siblings and their spouses. Huge relief! Then we limited giving gifts to each other's kids on age, under 18 or high school graduation. Most are now over the limit.
Finally I asked my parents to stop giving me gifts, and if they absolutely had to do something, to please make a charitable donation in my honor, or on my behalf. This sometimes works. I can't abide gift cards/money gifts except for weddings.

My sister and I have a nice birthday tradition. We collect small/medium items throughout the year for each other and then send birthday boxes, always on time (our mother was always always late with gifts). We know each other's style/size/taste and it is always fun to give and receive these thoughtful gifts.

My husband and I occasionally give each other small gifts, but we do not expect them from each other. I give my boys things they need all the time, so it's not about the birthday or holiday in most cases, though I do always try to have a few little things for them to celebrate a bday.

Good luck.

Anonymous

Ask for chocolate or flowers.

judy

Veteran

Oh gift giving, it can get awkward! Especially when we don't want what others give us. I say donate those things. I don't ask others for things that I want. I get those myself. And I echo Joy's sentiments, to give or ask for something beautiful or delicious, like flowers or chocolates! I find it can be a great relief to let others and ourselves off the hook of trying to find a great gift.

I know someone who, over the many years I've known her, was often giving me this or that, kind of a chronic gift giver. Turns out she was actually a chronic buyer and gives things away so as not to feel guilty. When I finally started saying: "no, thank you", I was glad that the behavior of giving them to me stopped (though I think, not the buying). My three sisters and I have a drawn the line at no more presents to each other because we do have enough, and why spend needlessly, really? Occasionally we send each other a little something, like a birthday cards or a book we liked and want to share, but no more pressure like in the past.

Olive Green

Veteran

I literally forget my own birthday, LOL, so remembering others is a sometime thing. What I do is inadvertently find something that shrieks “for Tina” or “Husband” or whatever, and buy it and send it immediately. This week it was a pair of beaded earrings in the shape of tuxedo cats. My friend has two such tuxedo boys, so they went straight out in the post.
My favorite gift was to my mother in law. It was a frilly, be-feathered dressing gown with feathered slippers. She was a party girl, and the nursing home was really boring