Getting Back in the Dating Game... - YouLookFab Forum

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Getting Back in the Dating Game...

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

... man, it's been a long time since I've been on a date! It's been years since I've had a real one - maybe almost five? HAHA. I guess medical school does that to you!

Does any one have any tips for me? I have a second date coming up with one of the guys I met at work. He seems very nice, and doesn't swear more than I do (thank goodness!) and smart, and is a professional.

Should I be looking for someone who is like me? Unlike me? Somewhat like me?

I don't really know anymore I just feel kinda weird and awkward and talk a lot.

I feel when I was younger, I had a list of things I wanted and I'd spend my time going down the checklist. I don't think that's really what I want anymore - but I don't really know what I'm looking for anymore. I'm not really sure I want a relationship either - or that I really need one - do I? I have friends and I have family. Is there something that a partner can give me that I can't find elsewhere? I really don't remember.

****

Side note! Here's how I spent my $100 this month (#1 - all cotton and perfect for summer! #2 - Tulle skirt is sooooo Carrie! #4 - Stretchy belt is perfect for my puffy days!)

Two of these are product previews (#3 - so Kate Spade! And #7 - a lovely shade!), so I haven't been able to pay for them yet, which I will out of next month's $100 when they become available (next month).

I also took advantage of a bunch of clothes with tags on them that I wasn't wearing, and took them back for some exchanges and nabbed two pretty blazers with a loyalty coupon (#5 and #6).

Hmm. I just noticed that they all sort of are the same colour family and would work together in a nice capsule. I just need to bring in a top or two! Oooh, exciting!

So far, SYB isn't really that hard for me - I still am working my way nicely through my wardrobe and I have even pruned it once more. I plan to prune it again in the next few weeks because my style has changed a lot since last year! Crazy, huh? Tons of ruffles and yucky stuff that isn't my cup of tea anymore. Neither are lacey hems. What was I thinking?

Also, I found #8 in the back of my closet! It matches the collection! I just need a pink belt! Or a white one!

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20 replies

Latest reply was from

Deborah

Veteran

Lyn dating can be challenging. I think I was single for about 5 years before I met my DH:). For me it was important that the person who was to become my life companion shared my values and my faith. Other than that I had no criteria:). My DH is my closest friend and confident, we are always there for one another and are confident of our commitment to one another. I never had much interest interest in getting married. I was a pretty happy and fulfilled single,but now that I am married, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Anonymous

Just what Deborah said. I've been married for almost 43 years to a wonderful guy I met on a blind date set up by a friend and her boyfriend. I was happy being single and finding the right guy was a gift.
I'd suggest paying attention to how a guy treats his family because that's a good indication of how he will treat you. Make sure he is a grow up, not a little boy who will spend your money on "toys", is willing to work and keep a job (be wary if he's changed jobs too often), and is healthy mentally and emotionally. You don't want to be saddled with man-child no matter how cute. You want someone enough like you to be a friend and who enjoys what you do but has enough differences to be interesting and create stimulating conversation. Go slowly.

adorkable

Veteran

I think the biggest trick is just to be open to the whole range: meet people online, everywhere you go, ask friends to introduce you ...the more people you meet, the more you figure out what does or doesn't work for you!

T-Rex

Veteran

Yes, meet as many new people as you can. Let your friends know that you are in the market (but not desperate) because they may know people in their other circles that you may click with. Go on blind dates if you are comfortable with that. If not, ask your friends to just invite you to the same gatherings so you can get to know each other casually with no pressure.

Similar (and decent) values are most important in my book. Is he a genuinely good person, and not just a "nice guy". Does he treat his family well, his Mom in particular? Is he nice to the wait staff, the checkout clerk, the person sweeping the office floor? Is he polite to the person on the corner asking for change? Does he hold the door open for elderly people? Is he nice to animals? What does he value most, and does it match or at least fit in with what you value?

As for the rest, let it ride and see what happens. The person you end up "clicking" with may be very different from the person you think you should "click" with. You may find out you like some activity that you wouldn't have tried otherwise. That will be the fun part.

Good luck!

Glory

Veteran

My advice is to go and have fun. You don't need to commit to anything and be worried about whether he is the one. Those things can come in time. See if you enjoy yourself, is he fun to be with.

rachylou

Veteran

I really like your black, white, and cherry red/pink capsule.

My thing about dating is try not to look for things. If you're looking for things about a person then you're not having a relationship with the person. If you can form a relationship with someone, I think the things come part and parcel - like common values, a common communication style, shared priorities. And I think the trick to forming relationships is relaxing and being calm, which is easier said than done.

More nitty gritty stuff - I believe in meeting the family early. They are deal breakers often enough. You just can't help it and your feet turn you around running and screaming. Much better to get that over with before you waste any time.

Also, a date or two at Target where you go buy paper towels and see what the person chooses: El cheapo fall apart, slay the rain-forest bleached white, colour-pattern-that-turns-into-toxic-gas in the microwave... I joke not. It's these little things that will make a person go bat crazy and throw their boyfriend's t.v. out the window. They're 99% of the reality of the experience.

Thistle

Veteran

Be open! I met my DH in a creative writing class I took because they had overbooked the sewing class I wanted to take. I am NOT creative. He is. In the class, I also learned he is funny and insightful.

Stil, the first day I met him never in a million years did I think I would even give him my number. As a matter of fact, i told my sister about this weird guy in my class! Here we are 11 years later, and have been happily married for 9 of them and with a baby girl in the last 2.

DonnaF

Veteran

This is only a second date! Have fun, and don't put a lot of pressure on yourself and on him. If this is a reasonably social guy, he should also have friends if a relationship with him doesn't turn out. And shut out the whisperings of your mother/grandmother/aunt.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Thanks so much for your insight, ladies - I realized that people who don't treat their animals very nicely are not very nice people (my weird borderline/antisocial ex would beat his poor cat).

We'll see what happens... and in the mean time, I need to start a dating capsule!

Tanya

Veteran

I wish you lots of good luck Lyn! I am back on the dating market myself after two failed long relationships ( 6&1 years) and very painful breakups, though I have not met anyone new I like yet. The best lessons from those two past experiences were not so much knowing what I want, but knowing what I do NOT want and would not tolerate.

So i would say to have lots of fun, and see how things go. Also pay attention to the red flags, in my experience people rarely change, and if they do, it is even rarer for better. Sorry if I sound a little cynical. Anyway, just be yourwonderful self and let is know if you need any help with that dating capsule

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Yes, have fun! You don't even know if you want a relationship right now. But there is good advice about making sure your values jive. I have been in a 12 1/2 year relationship with my BF, and we palled around as friends for 5 years before that. We are not carbon copies of one another. We are quite different in some ways. I'm sure we'd never vote for the same president, for instance.
But we both share the same ideas on the 'biggies' - religion, having kids, not beating our cat . The non negotiables, if you will.
Anyway, the biggest point is, we enjoy being around each other, still make each other laugh, and knew long before we got romantic that we genuinely liked each other as fellow human beings hee hee.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

It's brutal out here. Sorry. Also some people don't understand health care hours.

Anonymous

Ack, lyn*, please call the animal cruelty authorities and report him! That is terrible! And of course you should never be with anyone who would hurt an animal or a child or an old person. I also crossed guys off my list who were rude to waiters.

The best advice I can give is to go to every darn thing you're invited to and keep an open mind. I met my now-husband at a party neither of us wanted to attend back in 1995.

We are quite different: left brain/right brain; messy/neat; spontaneous/scheduled; etc. etc. But we mesh in all the areas that are important to us. He has the same commitment to health and fitness that I have. We both LOVE animals. (When we met, I had 3 cats and he had 3. Like the Brady Bunch, with hissing.) We have the same politics. He was very, very good to my mom before she passed away.

Your list of "important things" will be different from mine. Be flexible, but know your real deal-breakers.

Have fun, the right one is out there!

T-Rex

Veteran

I thought of something else you may find useful in determining what kind of guy he is. Is he still friends with at least some of his exes? If everyone who as ever dated him can no longer stand him, there is a reason. On the other hand, if he is way too close with one particular ex, take a closer look at that relationship. Of course, men and women can be friends after dating, and that is perfectly OK. And if he is still close friends with one or more exes, that's a good thing. And it is something you will need to be OK with. But if what should be a loving, platonic relationship still has a romantic element to it, be careful.

Laurinda

Veteran

Have fun in any case. I was on a blind date 25 years ago, and although we never 'clicked' we became good friends.

[I knew Mr. Laurinda was the one because my life was much richer (and more fun) with him in it. Beyond Candlelight-Dinners-Sunset-Walks-On-The-Beach but real life situations; good, bad and mundane.]

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

I once thought I would like to marry someone who had certain qualities or characteristics; I had a little mental list of them. The love of my life (DH) had none of them, but he is perfect for me. So I'm not a big believer in lists, at least not lists that I come up with! I will say that when I came up with the mental checklist, if I had met the man I did end up marrying, I might not have paid much attention to him. Thank goodness I met him later!
Glad to hear you're on a second date! Sounds like you've arrived at a point where you can have a little more fun outside of work.

Diana

Veteran

Ok, it's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene, but I agree with the above advice to be open and not too rigid in your list of requirements, but to stick to the important ones. Don't turn down blind dates either - you never know!

Also, a word of advice. If you're anything like me, going into it with the idea that you just want to date casually and don't want anything serious doesn't work. I went through a phase where I thought I wanted this (after a breakup of a serious relationship) and I ended up getting hurt twice by guys who also didn't want a serious/exclusive relationship. For one thing I am monogamous by nature so it's hurtful to know that someone also wants to see other people. Also, I guess I form emotional attachments FAST even if they are not very deep.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I definitely form emotional attachments very fast too, so I've been trying to distance myself this time - spacing out dates, taking longer to respond to texts and stuff.

My list is pretty short right now:

Must floss.
Does not abuse animals.
Does not abuse other people.
Does not abuse himself.

I can't believe the number of guys out there who REFUSE to floss.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

HA! on the floss. My BF brushes his teeth at least 10 times a day. And flossing, oh yes. hee hee hee, who knew teeth were such a gauge?

Anonymous

We need to find you a handsome dentist!