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From shopping therapy to shopping ban

harmonica

Veteran

I need a shopping ban. I realized that I've used shopping as therapy when things get stressful. I do like shopping and dressing, but it has developed in an unhealty direction. I would really like to make a change.

SYC would be a good start, as well as staying away from my triggers. I feel so stupid and shameful.

I need one exception, though, and that is a chunky wool cardi (has been on my wish list for 2-3 years) and basics like underwear and socks. But I will not hunt it down!

And I'll make one post in the coming days about a capsule that started with mini-culettes, a striped tee and a boyfriend blazer -- and and ended in regained love for my default colour for many years - black. This capsule is the first I've ever created and it spurred the shopping ban. I need to create more capsules and challange myself to put the outfits into action every time I feel a need for shopping.

ETA: I created a separate post for SYC and shopping strategies.

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29 replies

Latest reply was from harmonica

Lyn D.

Veteran

Great first step!
A "Ban' might be too extreme, so I like it that you still have a short list of true needs to keep in mind.
I myself have decided to work in the garden on my next free day instead of shopping, as my listed want is still out of season, and I can always find something else if I put myself in a position of temptation.
Having your capsule of tried and true pieces sounds like a good way to reinforce that you have 'enough' already!

deb

Veteran

I agree with Lyn D. Cold turkey may add more stress so what about considering more concious purchases and work on being extreemly picky. This could work as a long term fix.

Style Fan

Veteran

I agree with Deb and Lyn that a ban might just be more stress. I shopped for emotional reasons and it was very difficult to break out of that pattern. It still is but I live in a place without any retail so I can't. Online doesn't do it for me.
The capsule plan sounds interesting.

shedev

Veteran

Having just engaged in a little retail therapy myself, I totally relate to what you are saying. How long are you planning to SYC?

Gigi

Veteran

I know the stupid and shameful feeling (I get it myself), but I hope you know that that's not being fair to yourself. You have an emotional need to deal with your stress, and shopping is how you have been dealing with it. So you've been trying to take care of yourself, and that is a good thing overall!

I agree with some of the other commenters that a shopping ban might cause more emotional stress. What has helped me during times when I need to stop shopping is to shop only for HEWIs and to buy only things that are absolutely spot-on for fit and quality and style. I also have a very specific plan before I start shopping, and I stick to it. For instance, I may see that I lack light-colored summer tops in my wardrobe. So I will allow myself to shop ONLY for those types of tops. I won't allow myself to wander into skirts, pants, etc.

You may also want to spend some time looking at ancillary style things: ways to do your hair, different makeup looks, etc. How you do your hair especially can affect your overall style. I have found that looking at hair tutorials online eats up a lot of my time and helps meet that need to work off the stress. But it doesn't cost anything.

SandyG

Veteran

You're being very hard on yourself, and there's nothing shameful in loving clothes and accessories. You may be instinctively drawn to variety and line and design. Not a vice! Just artistic It's okay to change gears, do something different, and by the way, congratulations on your new capsule. That sounds like a complete victory.

rabbit

Veteran

I wouldn't feel stupid and shameful at all, just chalk it up to learning, and indulge in a new hobby/stress reliever. It can be clothing related, such as cataloging clothes, tracking wears, making capsules -- all fun ways to SYC. Or it can be something completely different. I've found from personal experience though that the best way to ease off an obsession is with a new one :). It doesn't have to be something that costs much at all. When I've hit my shopping budget for the year, or near it, I do go cold turkey for a few months at least, because it helps me form new patterns, and look for fun in new locations and rituals.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I agree with the others that a ban is rather extreme, but also agree with you that one solution to over shopping is to find other ways to be creative with your clothing.

If you have genuine needs then it is perfectly reasonable to look to meet them. And a chunky cardigan sounds reasonable for your climate!

Meanwhile, one strategy that helps me is simply to shop in bursts. I tend to have one or possibly two shops per big season (F/W and S/S) and ignore shopping in between those times -- instead I focus on my other interests and on wearing the heck out of my clothes. I will buy replacements for worn out underwear or snow boots if the need arises, but I don't shop for "fashion" as such. It seems to work for me pretty well, but would not work for all.

Tammyb

I agree with others that you are being hard on yourself. What would you say to one of us if we had written this post? Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

I love rabbit's idea of trying to find stress release throug a different avenue, but still clothing.

harmonica

Veteran

Thank you all for the support and understanding! I'll come back to answer properly later. Just wanted to show my appreciation.

Eliza

Veteran

Sometimes stepping off the merry go round can help clear one's head and leave space for other interests to come to the fore. A re-shuffling of priorities may have a different sensibility than a ban, yet yield the desired results. I need to step off sometimes myself; it helps to direct my fashion focus to tending the pieces I have. It also reminds that more stuff equals more space and organization, which can be a deterrent to additions. We'll cheer you on!

Astrid

Veteran

I can definitely relate! Sometimes in the past it has been a stress relief for me too. From October on I'm going to have a lot less disposable money and because my fall and winter wardrobe is in a decent place I've decided to do SYC too, after my holiday. With some exceptions - I'm also allowed to shop for neccessary things like tights. And I'm allowed to buy clothes with the money I earn when I sell some things I don't need anymore. I'm trying to pare down for a move and I decided that everything I earn from that can be used for fashion (if I want to). I should probably invest it in an interview outfit.

Maneera

(website)

Veteran

In the same boat as you. I find myself browsing online stores everyday! :/ I've over-shopped this season. And yet, I *feel* like shopping even though I've got nothing left to buy!!!

Chris987

Veteran

Great comments here, lots of sage advice. Would suggest to step away from feeling stupid and shameful....there is nothing stupid or shameful in any of this although I totally get how you feel, have been there. We need to be nicer to ourselves sometimes

You also might consider not thinking of it as a "permanent ban" but more a "hiatus for now". It's less harsh to think of it as open-ended than as a permanent thing, although the hiatus can last as long as you want or need. This also works when you're trying to give up chocolate cookies or potato chips ...:-)

Anonymous

I need to put the brakes on my spending, too. It does cause feelings of shame. Thankfully, there are resources online to help with creating different looks with clothing already on hand.

Sal

Veteran

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I had two and a half months off shopping last year and found it helpful to reset the radar and come back to it with more focus. I also see underwear/ socks/ tights etc as a different category.

But sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get by- and since you have started a capsule maybe that is a fun way to play with fashion for a couple of months.

Nishaa

I have done this in past for 3-5 months. It does take the pressure off to acquire the perfect items in my case. I do shop my closet, make inventories, fill up my wish list.
Exception is replacements of things that I wear regularly.
Shopping as a therapy isn't bad, as long as it's not getting out of your budget. But I've found other wardrobe related activities also help much the same way, at no financial cost.

anne

Veteran

I agree that a few months off shopping (chunky cardigan aside) would not hurt you and might help you reset.

I don't shop for fun, far from it, but I do know that I can easily go that long if I have covered my bases, which is sounds like you have.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

It's not stupid or shameful, and you could even go so far as to say it's a normal biological reaction to a stressful situation, i.e. acting in a way to alter dopamine and serotonin levels to feel good and relieve stress. Besides the suggestions above, I would consider looking into nutritional options, and non-habit forming supplements that help address the need for a dopamine surge. Avoid shopping late at night, and make sure there are barriers to the instant gratification component. You'll get through this.

unfrumped

Veteran

I agree with thinking of some substitute activities. One could be the SYC - outfit creation which IS fashion-related, but another should be something else. For me, I need more nature/ outdoor/exercise. I know that helps both my stress/energy and positive outlook, which feeds back to more healthy choices of all types. And I tell myself that any clothing will always LOOK better if I'm in better shape both physically and mentally. Another thing is doing more things for someone else and getting together with friends, often GF's, who make me laugh and remind me to learn about someone else's life, family, concerns.
So basically, activities which " feed" your body and spirit in other ways.

Anonymous

I love the SYC idea! I have a very strong interest in fashion (always have) but need to channel it in a different way now that my wardrobe is complete and there's no need for more clothes.

Barbara Diane

Veteran

Chris987 "hiatus for now".....This also works when you're trying to give up chocolate cookies or potato chips ...:-)".

Sometimes I think I should spend less time on YLF. Then I read something that will have a profound and lasting impact on my life. Like the above. Having those exact words is wonderful. Thanks Chris987.

Harmonica, I think focusing on SYC sounds like a wonderful and smart idea. I am always amazed at the looks I can create when I'm willing to think "outside the box".

harmonica

Veteran

So sorry I havn't answered properly. I will, but have a problem with my computer. Using the mobile is not so good for longer comments.

In short: I'm very grateful for your support and kind ways of dealing with it.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I understand! I don't do well with all-or-nothing type of restrictions (not with dieting, not with shopping, etc.), but I have been dialing back the shopping and spending in recent months. Hubs and I are looking at budget and lifestyle adjustments, and I definitely indulged in recent years when we were in a financially flush time. I got some new things shopping in Seattle and after I got home (NAS and a Rack purchase), and ordered some inexpensive Topshop booties, so I feel like I've gotten some fun fall things...and now I want to be done shopping for a while.

This might mean dialing back my participation on YLF, because I do find it sometimes sparks the "I-wants." For me, shopping can be a distraction that *feels* productive and like a mood-lifter when I'm procrastinating, or I'm stressed out or feeling a bit depressed, but I don't want to rely on it or continue to have large amounts of closet churn.

I do find that keeping busy with other projects that I find FUN and productive, and keeping active with forms of exercise that I enjoy are helpful ways to keep out of the stores.

I wish you luck and send you lots of moral support. No need to feel ashamed or berate yourself. Many of us have similar feelings. All you can do is be aware of behavior you don't want to repeat and take steps to try to make better choices in the future.

harmonica

Veteran

I can't thank you enough. I feel so much better now with your responses in my mind. I'm not going to beat myself up about this, but rather engage in a change that can break the negative pattern and at the same time have fun with fashion in all other ways than the actual buying of clothes.

Lyn D. - engaging in other activities, especially outdoors, is positive in so many ways. Our garden needs care and I'll start with planting some flower bulbs with the kids. They love it!

deb, Style Fran, SandyD, Suz, Eliza, Chris987, grandfashionista, Janet - I see what you mean that a strict ban may also cause stress. Very insightful and adds an argument to why a well-thought shopping strategy is important. I like the "hiatus for now" strategy!

shedev - it's hard to set a definite time limit, but a 2-6 months would be good for me. To get through I need a plan I can stick to day by day.

Gigi, Tammyb - I feel so much better (and quite normal) when I take your perspectives. I'd love to get more into hair and maybe make-up nail polish to change things up a bit.

rabbit, Nishaa - I like your way of dealing with it: stress off with a new obsession

Astrid - we could do some SYC time together

Maneera, BC - I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but it's so much better to not be alone

Kiwigal/Sally, anne - I like to stick to: "sometimes we have to do what we have to do". It makes it easier to stick to the plan. A reset would be a good thing.

unfrumped - I'll stick this to my forehead: "feed" your body and spirit in other ways, like nature, outdoor activities and laughter, humour

Barbara Diana - SYC it is!

Summer

Veteran

You're dealing with this in creative ways: SYC and capsule-building. I think you'll find both will give you fresh insights into your wardrobe needs, and the capsule-building, especially, will give you a creative outlet.
If you can allow yourself the odd, inexpensive treat along the way, that would be good, too, unless that would lead to a shopping binge.
Good luck, and keep us posted with your progress.

harmonica

Veteran

Thanks, Summer! I need your moral support in the way.

Staysfit

Veteran

Harmonica, in my experience, people have different ways of handling stress, and they also have different ways of breaking habits once they have started them. Some people are able to moderate, and reduce whatever behavior they are concerned with, and it is not a problem for them. Others find this stressful. They do better with a complete halt of a behavior, "cold turkey" or a ban. It is surprisingly easy for this type of person to stop. It isn't necessarily stressful for an all or nothing type person to stop something completely. It might be harder/stressful for that person to do something in moderation. The complete ban person can follow simple rules they set for themselves. (I'm not talking about addictions, they are more complicated).

I like to think about the kids I work with when we have a party and put out snacks. Some kids can have a few chips and leave the snack table. Others are standing at that table until the chips are all gone. I'm not talking about kids with eating disorders or weight problems.

It's a good idea to have some understanding of where you might fall before you do a shopping ban. I think being moderate person is highly valued in our society, or perhaps it is more common. People assume it will be stressful for someone to suddenly stop something they have been doing, but that's not always the case.

I hope you have found some good ways to understand and cope with the stress that led you to shop in ways you were unhappy with. Good luck with your endeavor, and perhaps thinking through whether you are an all or none type or a person who can do things in moderation will help you refine your plans.

harmonica

Veteran

Thank you so much Staysfit! Your comment is really insightful. I can easily visualize myself leaving the snack table at a party. I'll have to think more about this because in some areas it might be easy to be moderate, but in others not. What I'm trying to say is that one person doesn't have to be either / or. (sorry for awkward phrasing, can't explain myself properly right now)

Thanks again! Very much appreciated.