I guess I'm with rachy. Friending requires so much maintenance, and I've never been one for sharing what I feel (as rachy said, why does it really matter? Things need to get done regardless of how I feel, so why wade into it at all?). I very much enjoy proximity friendships and I quite enjoy parties where I can socialize superficially with many different people. But close friends tend to get clingy and overshare (or perhaps I've never found the right kind of person in all my years on the planet?), and I find that uncomfortable.

I'm sorry that your social life shifting is causing you pain, though. I do very much agree with Greyscale that our social lives can change and become something entirely different in fairly short order, depending on our hobbies or circles of acquaintances. I do hope this period of turmoil resolves itself into something comfortable and fulfilling for you.

Echo, I heard that! Not the socializing part—buzzing around with dozens of people to chat with gives me a headache; I’ll be in the corner having a real conversation, or on the dance floor, tyvm.

But I’m with you on the idea of making friends now so we have them when we are older. That has never made sense to me. I mean, I tend to hang onto people I love, so I don’t expect to send friends away as I age. But they aren’t acorns to store away in my cupboard for when I need them later. Most old people go through repeated loss as friends and relations die and would be happy to make a new friend in old age. I can make friends now for now, but if I need friends in the future, I’ll make friends in the future.

As for clique politics, I hate that everywhere I encounter it, here, in 5th grade, grad school, parent groups, where ever. I have heard that it can be huge in nursing homes/assisted living facilities. I don’t know how one evaluates that before moving in, but it is something I will really want to avoid. For me, that’s a totally different category than friendship.

Something on my mind regarding friendship at the moment: My mom was very introverted and didn’t make new friends easily. Her two dearest friends both sadly died young, when they were all in their 50s, and my dad when mom was 63. You can probably guess who was her closest friend and confidant after that. I wouldn’t trade a day of the time I spent with her for anything, but because of the issues she had with depression and anxiety, it was a lot of pressure on an adult child to be a mother’s BFF.

I am also introverted, and I share some of my mom’s issues, but I have worked hard to make sure I don’t retreat into my comfort zone cocoon too much. I travel, and socialize, and keep trying new things.

As I get older, I believe that making friends is kind of like exercising— if I don’t sort of stay in a practice of connecting with people and cultivating possible friendships, it will get harder. Inertia is a thing. Besides, I don’t have children of my own, and I’m sure not going to call on my stepsons to be my BFFs in my old age if I outlive my husband!

Vulnerability is a thing too, and opening ourselves to levels of friendship means making ourselves more vulnerable. I think that gets harder as we get older.

Just musings for the morning, as I was thinking about this thread.

“opening ourselves to levels of friendship means making ourselves more vulnerable”
So true! When my friend didn’t reply as fast or warmly as usual, I assumed he just wasn’t that into me (even though at the start of the pandemic, when another friend expressed sympathy that this guy couldn’t visit, I said “what, he won’t be attracted to me any more? How would that ever happen? He’ll just come after the pandemic”) Obviously, I wish now that I had risked a “no” and just asked if I could visit. We’ve only seen each other when I lived in his town 20 years ago, no traveling to visit each other, so it felt scary to ask—even though we had talked about him coming here.

We moved away from dear friends to be nearer to grandchildren and have a new place to explore. It has been hard to make new friends and the neighborhood keeps changing. As one gets older there is a lower level of energy and tolerance. Several old friends have died or become widows in the last year. Health problems can make people more isolated and needy. I have found having a church and PEO group very helpful, but need to be more active in both. Covid has stopped most meetings in person as well as going out, even shopping. Be gentle with yourself and your friends.

Here is a link to an interesting story on NPR about making friends as an adult:

https://www.wbur.org/hereandno.....nds-adults

I never had just 1 close circle of friends. Since I do so many things, I know A Lot of people, from many different phases of my life. Unfortunately there's not people that do all the things I want to do- so I'm part of many different circles, but just float in and out as I see fit.

Now I'm seeing how many of the friends I've known a long time haven't changed that much as far as their interests. DH has found the same thing in reconnecting with old friends. Some evolved quite a bit, but many haven't.

I’m a little bit on the opposite end of this as so much casual socializing went out the window with COVID. My circles really narrowed down to the few close friends I actually wanted to have zoom parties with. No more neighbourhood & school parent parties, etc. And this year my youngest finished elementary school so we are basically done with that phase of life where you are involved in your kids’ social life, volunteering at their school, etc. I’m looking around and realizing that while I have strong lifelong friendships, I’m missing local friends who can spontaneously go for a walk or get a coffee and maybe share interests completely unrelated to our kids (is it possible? Lol).
It sounds like you are in a good place though. So am I generally, very grateful for my friends, just wondering how this next phase will be.

Hi all, just wanted to let you know that I've read and appreciated all your lovely replies and thank you so much for sharing your perspectives!

And to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that I was thinking to stockpile friends like TP at the beginning of the pandemic Just that it's nerve-wracking to wonder if friends will drift away when it's not always easy to make new ones ... and the potential for loneliness, which we know is such a problem esp. among older adults.

I am so grateful for the friends I have, and also appreciate communities like this one, that are so generous with encouragement and kindness xoxo

No worries Helena I think you were thoughtful and clear on that

I didn’t mean you necessarily with the stockpiling, just that we hear that sentiment often—make friends now for then, instead of to enjoy friendships now (& through the future)

Stockpiling friends - lol.