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For those of you who are mothers-in-law

cobaltblue

Veteran

My in-laws are in town. My mother-in-law is a loving, caring person who just wants to help. We inadvertently bump heads about 99% of the time. If I'd choose A, she loves B, and that's just the way it is.

The question is this: my mother-in-law loves children and wants them to love her. She's extremely indulgent (fine for a grandma who sees grandkids rarely) and acts like a kid herself when she's with them. While not my temperament at all, this can be a very good thing. Sometimes, though, this tips over into what I consider dangerous behavior. I stepped into the grocery store for a moment with my baby while mother-in-law and my daughter waited in the car. I came back to find my three year old daughter in the driver's seat "driving," with the keys in the ignition. Aaaah! How do I handle this? She never says no, even when she really needs to. But my daughter loves her to death. Mother-in-law always wants to watch the kids alone while I go out. I don't want to hurt her feelings or deprive her of special time with her grandkids, but I just don't feel safe. I can't think of ground rules to set because things like "driving " the car, putting the kids on the counter next to a pot of boiling grease, etc., are things I don't even think of happening. I'm grateful that my children have all their grandparents and want them to have good relationships with them. I don't want to be the over-protective and evil daughter in law. Any advice? Am I over-reacting?

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19 replies

Latest reply was from Isabel

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Such a hard one

I don't think you are over-reacting but I do I think it may be about totally different parenting styles. Was she like this with your husband when he was growing up? Or is this more to do with being a grandma who doesn't see the grandchildren very often?

Would it be possible to talk to your mil about your specific concerns - the boiling fat, the sitting in the drivers seat? If you can approach it with a how can we all get on the same page about what the children can & can't do way you may find she is willing change her general behaviour.

My mother was wonderful with my daughter when she was little. I always knew my mother took the best care of her & I trusted my mother absolutely. My other relatives & in-laws were not in that category but they did/do have wonderful relationships with her

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Ack! If you feel that she is displaying poor judgment, you have to do what you have to do to keep your kids safe! Don't worry about her feelings! It's the same whether it's a nanny, babysitter, husband, grandparent, etc. You have to trust that the caregiver has a basic level of safety awareness in order to feel comfortable leaving your kids with them. She can visit your kids as much as she likes, but that doesn't mean you have to leave them unsupervised with her if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Did you talk with your MIL about the "driving" incident and how dangerous that is? Even if she was right there, it's teaching your DD that it's OK for her to play with the car steering wheel/controls. Freak accidents like where one kid backs over the car over the other are my worst nightmare. Don't get me started on how I obsess over things like this when I read them in the news. Hope you can get this sorted out. What did your DH say about it (it might be better if he's the one to talk with his mom, if you are worried about your relationship)?

cobaltblue

Veteran

Caro, thank you.

My husband exclaimed just yesterday, "How did I survive to adulthood?!" I think she just doesn't see danger. I had to suggest that she take my daughter to color with chalk in the street, not the sidewalk.

Your experience makes me feel better. I just need to make sure they get plenty of time together, even if it's supervised. She just wants to have the children alone SO BADLY.

cobaltblue

Veteran

Natalie, you are right. I just read a horror news story about little kids on a joyride

Gaylene

Veteran

I think Caro has given you some good advice because parenting styles have changed quite dramatically in the past few decades. To be honest, most of us who raised our kids in the 70s, 80s, and 90s managed to keep them alive and in good health even though the supervision and safety standards were quite different in those days.

Maybe talk to her about what kinds of situations alarm you and ask for her cooperation. Both of you might have to accept that you have different views of what constitutes a harmful situation, but, as the mother, your views need to be respected. I doubt that your MIL wants to have her access to her grandchild restricted just because she doesn't share your views on what constitutes a dangerous situation.

Lantana

Veteran

If you could talk with your MIL, telling her clearly but oh so gently that you want and need her to be 100% vigilant, she will protest that she is, which is your opportunity to be clear about instances when she has been less than vigilant, in your view.
And take it from there.
It can be very hard being the mother of the husband.

cobaltblue

Veteran

Gaylene, I appreciate your comment. I certainly don't want to restrict her access to the kids! I know things have changed quite a bit since I was growing up. In my childhood, my parents would have had to search 40+ acres to find us kids when we were out playing, and that's assuming we hadn't gone too far. They trusted us to use our brains and be close enough near dinner time to hear the house alarm when they'd set it off to call us to come home and eat! I hope I'll trust my kids and situation enough to give them that kind of freedom and responsibility. Right now, though, they are 3 years old and 3 months, not old enough to be relied upon to keep themselves safe.

Lantana, I think we'll just have supervised visits for now. I feel like I can't warn her ahead of time because I can't anticipate the kinds of things she might do. I'll see what my husband thinks about having that talk with her.

Holding my sleeping baby boy right now and hoping I won't be causing his wife angst 30 years from now!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Becky, you are a good mother and a good daughter in law! These situations can be so delicate and you are obviously doing your best to think it through rather than simply laying blame.

It's true that standards have changed over the years, but what you are describing sounds like something that would have been unusual in any era. Playing in the street with a three year old or allowing her to "drive" when the keys are in the ignition...this goes even further than different caregiving styles, in my opinion. No wonder you are worried about leaving the kids with her unsupervised.

There is someone in my extended family who is a bit like this. The relationship isn't as close so I haven't had to deal with the problem as often, but there were occasions when I had to decide either not to let my daughter go on an outing, to go along with them, or to talk to this person in advance.

If you do decide to have a talk, maybe you can begin with your shared goals or desires. You know, "We both want X to have fun and stay safe. I was concerned when I noticed you playing in the street...streets around here get real traffic and I just don't feel comfortable with that."

If you start from the assumption that you both want what is best, that should help preserve the relationship.

The issue, though, is that personality style definitely plays into it at least in the sense that she probably just doesn't perceive danger where you do. Or only thinks of it afterwards. And that is very tricky. We have that situation, too, with our family member.

cobaltblue

Veteran

I think you've hit it, Suz. She and I both want what is best for the kids. But when my danger alarm is blaring, she's busy looking for the next fun thing to do and doesn't see the hazard. She's sanguine, carefree, and a whole lot of fun for the kids. I think I'll just need to give her all the free reign to play I can while being right there to make sure everybody is safe.

MsMary

Veteran

You've gotten great advice already. I'd just suggest that your husband --her son -- should take the lead in laying out any ground rules or restrictions. She needs to know it is coming from him just as much as from you.

ironkurtin

Veteran

What MaryK said. And when he talks to her, the message shouldn't be, MY WIFE is worried. It's **I** am worried.

it's his mother. He should be the bad guy.

Adelfa

Veteran

Just seconding your decision. We have a family member who once during a 45-minute time of being left with baby disregarded a direct instruction re: diet and the result was that my three month old baby broke out in eczema from head to toe which lasted for days (we knew there were severe allergies in the family which is why we were specific about allowed food, ie, breast milk only). I decided then and there that my children (now in their late 20s) would never be left alone with this person, and they never were. Access was not restricted.

I agree that a talk will not help your mil to have better judgment in novel situations that you can't anticipate, even if she is careful to observe your stated preferences.

I feel your pain!

cobaltblue

Veteran

Oh, Adelfa, my baby is three months, and I'd lose it if someone fed him something! Sorry you had that experience, even if 20 years ago.

elpgal

Veteran

Supervised access is as far as I would go. I find talking and discussion not really helpful in such cases. A discussion may help her see your POV but is likely to do anything to recalibrate her safety radar.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I probably shouldn't post since I don't have children but I think it's more of a communication question so I will. If I was worried about hurting her feelings, etc. would talk to her in a way that makes "me" the one with an issue. You know like "Mom, I know I am an extreme safety nut but I need to let you know that it makes me SO anxious when I see DS in the driver's seat with the keys in the ignition (or whatever makes you anxious). Could you do me a favor and not let her do this so I don't have an all out panic attack?"

And then I'd probably make an ongoing humorous attempt at it in other situations where I might just speak up suddenly when I see the situation. Like "Oh my gosh, my heart is going to stop, DS is SO close to that hot pot - could we please move her away?" Maybe after doing this a few times she'll take care to think more about your worries. Or at least you will be truly asking for the behavior to stop.

Not sure about her wanting to have alone time - maybe she feels she would be doing you a favor by taking over for an afternoon or evening? You could just be honest and let her know that right now you have some anxiety about it (no need to be specific) and would like to wait until you feel more comfortable.

Anonymous

If there's any situations or activities where you feel safe putting your MIL in charge, maybe you could make a big deal out of how those are "Grandma's activities" and something special for her to do every time she's with your kids. Not that you couldn't still supervise - but maybe being more lax with spoiling in safe ways so that she could still feel like the fun grandma. For example in the grocery store scenario: let grandma buy a fun treat in the grocery store. Gets her out of the car/keeps her supervised while letting her spoil away. Watch from a distance at amusement parks but let grandma be the "fun one" who takes them on rides and plays games. Basically let them have too much fun in any safe way you can. I had a motherly grandma (the kind who can cover for mom) and a "grandmother" grandma (the kind for spoiling and special occasions), and I loved each in different ways!

Marley

Veteran

This is you husband's job - to deal with his mother's "grandmothering style" - He needs to handle this - not you.

ETA: Just read the responses - I see MaryK had already said that it was up to your husband - so, ditto what MK said!

Anonymous

I had a MIL who was a chain smoker and was afraid she would burn a baby because she would smoke while holding them. I'd say to tell her the children are just too young yet ...maybe when they are older. Of course this means she will get her feelings hurt if she finds out that you will leave them with anyone else, but you can come up with something. I find it a bit suspicious that she is so set on having the children alone. It would put me off all the more.

Isabel

Veteran

SO much good advice already, that I agree with :

1. Your husband should say something and include something along of the line of " Daughter is so active now that we really need either toddler proof everything or keep her away from everything potentially dangerous. For example, the car with the keys in it. " blah, blah. Like MAryK said.

2. Gillian hit it. Can you set up things for them to do ? You could say, "MIL, you are so much fun and so good at X, do you think that you could do that with them ?" or " I could really use some relaxation, it would mean so much to me if you did X while I just sat here and read. " While looking over the pages of the book, of course, at her, wink, wink. Or, I am just going to sit here quietly and enjoy the sight of my kids with their grandmother.

3. And then there is always the , " It is so just hard being a parent. How did you do it ? How did you keep your children safe ? There is so much more that we are aware of these days....like never put hot liquids near a child who could grab it and spill on themselves, etc. " But please let her answer the question before you start talking about dangerous. I think that if you open it up as a mom to mom, she might feel part of the process .

In the end, if this is her personality, then you and your husband cannot affect her, but you can manage the situation.

Good luck. I am not a MIL, btw, but I have had my share of "instances", some with my husband who was a lot more "lax" than I was with my kids...like letting them go to our backyard pond alone at 2 and 3. " But it only goes up to their waist ! " UGH !!!!!!!!!